p a r t n i n e
By the time Seven and I reach the briefing room, hope is beginning to burgeon within me. I glance at Seven, and wonder if she shares my feelings, but it's hard to tell.
We're greeted by the Doctor and- to my surprise, and Seven's- Icheb. They are both extremely excited, and talk so quickly that it takes some time before I understand precisely what they're proposing. Needless to add, Seven's rate of comprehension is faster than mine, and my heart sinks as my protégée's jaw sets and takes an angle I know well.
In a nutshell, Icheb and the Doctor have been able to determine a way of getting Seven what she needs to survive: namely, a functioning cortical node from a live drone. Their solution is beautifully simple- use Icheb's. Apparently, the idea came from our young Brunali, who believes that his body can be forced to adapt to the node's absence with the aid of the genetic resequencing technique Icheb learnt during his short stay on the Brunali homeworld.
The idea leaves me breathless. "It would be a complicated procedure," I point out unnecessarily.
"No doubt," the Doctor agrees, but his enthusiasm remains undimmed.
I'm encouraged. "But you believe it'll work?"
The Doctor's eyes flick to Seven, and then back to me. Icheb, too, is eyeing Seven in a manner that's best described as wary, and I feel my stomach twist with tension.
The Doctor sighs. "There are significant risks involved to Seven and Icheb," he begins reluctantly. "But if you're asking me if it's possible- I'd have to say yes." He ends on a very firm note.
I bite my lip and glance at Seven and Icheb. Seven's eyes are glittering dangerously, but Icheb's are also bright- with determination. I rub the bridge of my nose. I'm a starship captain, not a mother. I don't think I'm naturally equipped to deal with these situations. I take a deep breath.
"What sort of precautions-"
Seven interrupts me ruthlessly. "No matter how many precautions you take, it's not worth the risk to Icheb!"
I glance at her sympathetically. I understand where she's coming from. Icheb, however, does not.
"Seven, this could work," Icheb implores. His eyes are fixed on her face, begging, pleading.
As he pointed out, he's considerably younger than Seven, and was assimilated much more recently. In addition, like the rest of our younger Borg refugees, his assimilation was interrupted by the failure of the maturation chambers in their cube, and, as a result, his physiognomy is significantly less reliant on his implants than is the case with Seven. If the situation were reversed, it would be hopeless, but as things are…
"I'm not willing to extend my life at the cost of yours!" Seven snaps.
Icheb glowers back at her. "You haven't reviewed all the data!" He sounds aggrieved, frustrated, and hurt.
Seven seems to divine his emotions, and she softens. "As long as there's any chance you won't survive, the data is irrelevant." She pauses for a moment, and I see her swallow.
She turns to the Doctor, and speaks quietly. "I'd like to return to sickbay now."
The Doctor looks startled, as well he might. Seven has been a most unwilling patient, but he accepts her decision follows her from the room.
I'm left alone with Icheb. Now those pleading eyes are fixed on me.
"You're the Captain. You could order her to do it."
I bite my lip again, so hard I'm surprised I haven't broken the skin. I understand Seven's perspective perfectly, but I also empathise with Icheb's. It's not so very long since the young man was betrayed by his own parents in the most terrible way. He's had to accept their loss, and now he's being confronted with the possible loss of Seven, who has been consistently protective and supportive of him from the time he came on board.
And then there's my own feelings. The experience of helping Seven reclaim her humanity has resembled that of a parent watching her child grow and mature. Despite my response to Seven's 'presumption' earlier, her loss- to me, personally, as well as the ship- would be incalculable.
Furthermore, there's the fact that, initially, I was the one to force that humanity on Seven by severing her connection to the Collective. I know that she doesn't regret it- now- but it was a long, hard road for her. It's only since my own assimilation and recovery that I've been able to truly appreciate what she's gone through. I forced her to live once before on my terms. I won't do it a second time, thereby implying that she's correct in believing that I'm disappointed in her and what she's achieved…
Even so, saying what I must is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I'm amazed that I manage to remain so calm, so captain-like.
"I have to respect her wishes," I tell Icheb, knowing he's too young to read the emotion behind my flat tones.
"Even if it kills her?" he fires back with the brutal honesty of the young.
I close my eyes, and then shoot him my best Captain's glare. "I want to help her just as much as you do!"
His young face looks drawn with disappointment. "If that were true you wouldn't let her die!"
I've commented before that in some ways, Icheb's emotional maturity is greater than Seven's, but right now, he's simply a child who believes he has been betrayed by an authority/parental figure- yet again. His eyes are dark and bleak as he rushes from the room and leaves me standing alone.
I sink into a chair and cover my face with my hands.
"Captain?"
Wearily, I look up. Chakotay stands before me, hands behind his back. His look is penetrating.
"What did the Doctor say?" he prompts.
I shrug, feeling suddenly helpless and powerless. Those emotions sit uneasily on me. "There's a chance for Seven, but it involves using Icheb's cortical node to replace hers."
Chakotay's brows shoot up. "Won't that cause problems for him?"
I shake my head and explain what the Doctor and Icheb told Seven and I. "But there's no point in discussing it. Seven refuses to countenance the idea." I rub the bridge of my nose, feeling a headache threaten.
Chakotay leans against the briefing table and looks down on me. "You could order her to have the treatment," he suggests evenly.
It catches me on the raw. "Like I did with B'Elanna, you mean! It's not the same, Chakotay!"
"No?"
"No! She was attacked by an alien life-form. Besides, she's a member of the crew. Strictly speaking, Seven's a civilian. I haven't got that power over her."
"Strictly speaking, B'Elanna's a civilian too," Chakotay points out with maddening accuracy.
I throw my hands into the air and rise, standing nose to nose with him. "I'm not going to argue about this with you now, Chakotay!" I turn away, looking out at the eternal blackness beyond.
"I'm not trying to argue," Chakotay says very softly. "You were right to choose as you did for B'Elanna." He hesitates, then: "I thought it was very brave of you. You must have known how she would feel, and did feel, and – well, for what it's worth, you did the right thing. It was one way of ensuring that those people did not die in vain."
His words are comforting, and I feel some of the tension drain. "It was a long time before B'Elanna forgave me, though," I remind him softly. "She resented my forcing that decision on her, and it nearly destroyed our relationship.
"I've already forced one momentous decision on Seven. I don't want to force a second. And-and if it goes wrong, we could lose Seven and Icheb. I can't have that on my conscience along with everything else." I know my voice is bitter as I finish.
"Kathryn-"
"What?"
"You can't carry this burden forever. Let it go."
"No choice. I'm the captain. Out here, the buck stops with me. I'm it. The final authority." I laugh shortly. "Some authority. First, I get you all landed out here. Then I contravene people's basic human rights and self-determination- just ask B'Elanna and Seven! I try to murder crewmen who are only following orders, however wrong those orders might be. And on top of all that, I'm a bitch who's impossible to please!"
I wrap my arms tightly around my waist and lean, a little, against the bulkhead. There's a silence behind me, and I'm tempted to turn and find out whether Chakotay's still there, or whether he's left me ranting to myself. Part of me wants to laugh at the picture that creates. The other part wants to scream- or shatter.
"Kathryn." This time his voice is very near- so near, in fact, that his breath brushes the tip of my left ear. His arms snake around my waist, his hands covering mine. I stiffen. We're on duty.
"Tell me."
His voice, so soft, so caressing, relaxes something inside me, something wound so tight that it's close to breaking irreparably. I relax, a little.
"She thinks I'm disappointed in her," I whisper, harshly. "She thinks that she's failed in meeting my expectations- and she says it's her fault. How could she think that? And- even it were true, it would be my fault, and not hers." I blink. "I swore I'd never be like my father, or Tom's…"
"What do you mean?"
"If I ever had children, I swore I'd take them on their own terms, that I wouldn't judge them by unrealistically high standards. That doesn't work, I know. And I guess Seven's the nearest I'll ever have to a child of my own, one I've watched grow and develop." I take a breath, steadying myself.
"I thought it was the one redeeming thing I've achieved- rescuing Seven from the Borg, and now she's probably going to die, believing that she's failed me…"
Despite my best intentions my voice breaks, and Chakotay's arms tighten, holding me even closer. I close my eyes.
"She's not dead yet, Kathryn," he murmurs into my ear. "Even if it comes to the worst, you still have time to tell her- but I don't believe it will. We've overcome the impossible before." I feel him nuzzle my neck a little, and sink back into his embrace, lulled by the gentle warmth of his voice.
"As for the rest of it: you drive your crew hard, Kathryn, but you drive yourself the hardest of all. We know that, and it inspires the rest of us- from me right down to little Naomi Wildman- to give our all. And you never, ever, fail to commend a job well done, even if it's only with a touch. This crew loves you, Kathryn. It respects you. Perhaps it time you accepted that, and forgave yourself. If you can't do that, you can't expect anyone else to do it for you."
He turns me to face him, and smiles down at me, the dimples deepening. "As for kids, don't rule it out yet. We've still got time." He winks at me and I stare at him in disbelief. "Just think of it as an incentive to get home sooner rather than later."
He drops a quick kiss on my forehead and then steps away from me, visibly becoming the First Officer again, and implicitly restoring me to my own rank. "Speaking of which, I'd better get back to the bridge. Harry's minding the store."
Dumbly I nod.
My badge chirps, and I tap it. "Janeway."
"Captain, come to cargo bay two." It's Icheb's voice. It sounds- different, somehow.
I look up at my First Officer and frown. His eyes twinkle.
"You'd better get down there, hadn't you?"
For the first time in what seems like an age, I feel a smile cross my face. "Without a doubt, Commander. It never does to keep a drone waiting."
I sweep past him, the smile lingering on my lips. His laughter follows me onto the bridge and into the turbolift. I'm still grinning slightly when I step out of the lift. It's amazing how Chakotay can transform my mood with so little…
Phoebe looked at her sister with appalled eyes. "I'm glad I decided not to join Starfleet," she whispered. "Kathryn- is that what it's been like all these years?"
"What do you mean?" Kathryn asked cautiously.
"The guilt, the responsibility- have you always felt like that because of Daddy, or is it something that developed during the years in the Delta Quadrant?"
"I've always felt under pressure to be a good officer because of Dad," Kathryn returned honestly. "It was easier, though, when I was in science- I'm under no illusions, I know I'm an exceptional scientist, and the chances of me failing to do my job well in that capacity were remote. Command- that's something else altogether."
She paused for a moment, deep in thought. "There's more pressure in Command. More responsibility. In science it's very rare that the fate of the entire crew will hang on a decision you make- in Command, that's routine. Even more so in the Delta Quadrant, and, at the end of the day, it was my fault we were there in the first place."
"Did the crew blame you?" her sister shot back, going straight to the heart of the matter.
"I'll answer this," Chakotay interjected firmly. "The truth, Phoebe? Yes, at first they did. Particularly amongst the Maquis, but that changed as the years went on and we became a family. Here's an example. When Kathryn decided to destroy the Caretaker's array, B'Elanna was on the bridge with us. She turned on Kathryn. I remember her saying, in that intense way she has, 'Who is she to make decisions for all of us?'-"
"You stopped her as I recall," Kathryn murmured. "You said, 'She's the captain.' It was at that moment that I realised I could trust you."
Chakotay nodded at her in acknowledgment before continuing. "Six years later, and Kathryn was depressed after discovering that your ancestor, Shannon O'Donnell, wasn't the great innovator you were brought up to believe-"
"She wasn't?" Phoebe questioned, surprised. The inherited version of Shannon O'Donnell's life story was part of Janeway family legendry.
"No, but we'll tell you about that another time, too."
"I suppose," Phoebe sighed. "Go on."
"Anyway, we'd discovered this, and it was quite shocking for Kathryn. O'Donnell had always been such an inspiration, and to find out the truth behind the legend- she was really quite devastated. Neelix, being Neelix, realised this, and planned a party. He invited all the senior staff- in fact, he insisted we come- and then informed us that when the Captain arrived, we were going to cheer her up by celebrating 'Ancestor's Eve.'"
"Is that a Talaxian celebration?"
"No. Neelix made it up," Kathryn answered. "He got me down to the mess hall by implying that there was an emergency requiring my personal attention. When I got there, he shoved a glass of –something- in my hand, and made it impossible for me to turn around and leave."
"Why would you want to leave a party?" Phoebe murmured.
"Kathryn has a firmly held belief that her presence at parties dampens the proceedings," Chakotay said drily. "That might have been true at first, but it was total nonsense by the end. So, we're all there for this fictitious event that Neelix has dreamed up, and we talked about the importance of Shannon O'Donnell for all of us. Regardless of whether her story was true or not, the results- in terms of Kathryn- were real enough, and we wouldn't give up our Captain for anything. Kathryn, being Kathryn-"
"That sounds vaguely insulting," Kathryn noted from across the room where she was brewing up another jorum of coffee. "What he means, Phoebe, is that I pointed out- quite accurately- that without me, chances are they wouldn't have ended up in the Delta Quadrant in the first place-"
"Without you we might not have survived the first two weeks!" Chakotay fired back.
Kathryn rolled her eyes. Phoebe had the feeling that this was an old argument. She decided to bring them back on track.
"Ancestor's Eve?" she reminded Chakotay.
He looked sheepish. Kathryn smirked.
"Ah. Well, Kathryn did her usual blame routine, and B'Elanna brushed her off, saying that if it hadn't been for getting stranded we wouldn't have gotten to know each other or become a family. I felt like cheering and clapping her on the back," he mused. "I'd tried telling Kathryn the same thing myself, but it didn't have the same impact."
"Perhaps familiarity bred contempt," Kathryn suggested sweetly.
"Hey!"
"Truth hurts."
"Do you mind? I'm trying to tell a story here."
"Just don't make it up as you go along!"
Chakotay widened his eyes. "Would I do that?"
"Two words, Commander. Angry- Warrior."
"Ouch."
"I wish I knew what you two are talking about," Phoebe complained. "Chak? Get on with it, or Kathryn can take up where she left off!"
"Not until I've had another cup of coffee," Kathryn told her firmly.
"OK. OK. I can take a hint. Not that there's much more to tell. Everyone agreed, surprising Kathryn, I think- and then the Doctor took a photograph of us, all gathered around the Captain. In fact," he added, jabbing his spoon in the direction of a faded photograph on the wall that had gone unnoticed for many years, "the composition was identical to that one you have of O'Donnell and her family."
"How do you know who it is? I don't even know, and that picture's been there all my life!"
"Kathryn has the same photo," Chakotay explained simply. "We- or rather, Seven- found it in the database."
"Oh. What happened to your version? I'd like to see it." Phoebe flashed a wicked grin at Kathryn and Chakotay. "Mama Kate and Papa Chakotay and all the kids-"
"I have it upstairs," Kathryn told her quickly. "In the meantime, I think I'd better get back to my story."
"Finally!"