The next chapter shall be delayed, seeing as there is a delay in the release of chapter 6 of the MANGA.
Chapter 5: Green Gets Too Much Attention, Dammit
Green lunged at the armor clad monster, but his attack went right through.
"Well, shit, I don't think that's a good thing," he noted. The monster suddenly tried to bring its sword down on the hero's head, who luckily made it out of the way. However, it managed to break the floor.
Knowing that it was an even worse thing for the enemy to be able to attack while he couldn't, Green said, "Ok, I'm going to run away now and try to find a way out of here. I'll see ya around."
Replied the monster, "Ok, I'll give you a head start."
Green set off away from the monster at lightning speed.
"Dude, I gotta get out of here! That things gonna, like, kill me!"
Up ahead, the emerald-clad hero spotted a large window, the light of the moon shining into it. He ran to it, and tried to jump so he could climb out through it, but found that he was too damn short.
"Shit, dude, this just isn't my day! Why must the goddesses hate me so?"
Came Din's voice, "'Cause you're a stupid, fucking asshole."
"Yeah!" agreed Nayru.
"And you're short," added Farore.
"Well, screw you, bitches!" Green shot.
At that moment, the transparent monster floated through the wall.
"Ready or not, here I come!" it said.
"HEY! I WAS NOT READY!" Green whined. "Just give me 5 more seconds."
"Ok," replied the monster.
5 seconds later, it said, "Alright, time for you to die, you short little shithead."
"I'm not THAT short, am I?" Green whimpered. But he did not recieve a reply, for the evil monster attacked him.
"STOP THAT!" Green yelled.
"OH, SHUT UP, I GAVE YOU A HEAD START AND 5 ADDITIONAL SECONDS!"
Green knew he needed a plan, and fast. Then, out of the blue, he noticed the ray of moonlight coming from the window. That lead him to remember the Moon Pearl the Red Maiden had given him. Said to open the portal to the Dark World upon being shown to the moonlight, the Moon Pearl was quite the treasure. The emerald hero removed it from his pocket and held it high above his head in the moonlight.
Now that he was, like, sucked into the Dark World or whatever, the foe was no longer transparent. Flipping on his cool sunglasses, Green attacked, saying, "Austa la vista, baby!"
When his Four Sword made impact, the monster moaned. Its helmet cracked and broke off, revealing one of Hyrule's knights, Valenzuela! Green gasped dramatically.
"VALENZUELA!" he shrieked.
"Woah, dude, was I turned into a monster?" Valenzuela asked.
"Yep."
Valenzuela approached Green, who became uneasy. His father had had a restraining order placed on the fellow knight, for on Tuesdays, Valenzuela would sneak into their house, rape their dog, and start touching Link.
Green backed up a little more, but Valenzuela was quick. He wrapped an arm around the boy's waist and started playing with his hair.
"And...thank you...what a fine little boy you are. A courageous little boy... A handsome boy... What pretty blue eyes you have. And...such soft, clean hair...with much volume in it..."
"Umm, my restraining order!" Green uttered.
Valenzuela quickly backed off, looking pretty damn disappointed. Green let out a sigh of relief.
"Isn't there anything you want to give me? You know, like the Jewel Key you're supposed to give me? And then tell me that there are 3 other Jewel Keys I need to get in order to unlock Vaati's Palace and rescue Princess Zelda? And that Shadow Link and Gufuu are only puppets of Ganon, who is really behind all this?"
"Ummm...what?"
"Screw you then, bitch," Green snorted, walking up to Valenzuela, shoving him to the ground, taking the Jewel Key, and using the Moon Pearl to leave the Dark World.
Red fell out of the sky and landed before the pyramid. A fairy fluttered around next to his head.
"Woah, I'm like...in a desert!" Red gasped incredulously.
"No duh," the fairy replied.
Red started crying.
"But I still don't have my Four Sword and shield, and I'm still separated from the others!"
"Suck it up, bitch," said the fairy, slapping him.
"Jeez! Why does everyone in this chapter have to say 'bitch'?" Red asked.
"...I...don't know... I just...don't know..."
"Oh, look! Foot prints! I bet they're Green's!" Red said excitedly, spotting footprints in the sand.
"How do you figure that?" the fairy asked, puzzled. "I mean, they could be Blue's or Vio's."
"Well, 'cause I just do, you see."
"Ok, I won't question as to why..."
"Well, anyway, could you transport me to Green or something, Miss Fairy?"
"Mmm...well...ok, whatever. I GUESS I'll try..."
Before he knew it, Red and his fairy companion founds themselves in an ice cave.
"Green's here?" Red asked suspiciously.
"I dunno," the fairy replied.
"RAWR!" The monster/old man thing that had mollested and frozen Blue jumped out at Red and tried to freeze him, but Red screamed, and out of reflex, destroyed the enemy with the Fire Rod he still had with him.
"Whew...that was a scare," Red panted, leaning against something.
"Huh?"
He turned to see what he had fallen back on, and saw with surprise that it was the frozen Blue!
"HOLY SIHT, OH MY GODDESSES, MONKEY BALLS, IT'S BLUE!" Red yelled.
"Stop acting like such a dumbfuck!" the fairy snapped. "Now just use that damn rod of your's to unfreeze him!"
"What? Well, ok..." Red said, pulling down his tights.
"NOT THAT ROD! THE FIRE ROD!"
"Oooohhh! Well, why didn't you say so?" Red replied, pulling up his tights and setting Blue on fire. The ice melted, but Blue caught fire. He screamed.
"STOP, DROP, ROLL! STOP, DROP ROLL!" Blue ran into the wall, fell down, and put himself out. Unfortunately for him, it had burned all his clothes off, leaving him completely naked. Getting up, he spotted Red.
"Red?"
"Blue! You're here! And you're naked! I MISSED YOU!" Red cried, hugging Blue.
"DON'T HUG ME WHILE I'M NAKED! THIS IS REALLY AWKWARD!" Blue howled.
"Sorry..." Red said, breaking off.
"So, what are you doing here, Blue? And why were you all frozen and stuff?"
"Well, when we all got separated, I landed in this blizzardy place, right? And then I saved this old man, who told me he'd tell me where Gufuu was if I let him touch me here..." Blue pointed to his rear. "And here." He pointed to his cock. "So after I let him, he told me that Gufuu was in here. Then he froze me, or whatever..."
"Woah, Blue, you got mollested?"
"I did?"
"Ummm...yeah."
The fairy snorted. There was a moment of silence following.
Suddenly, Blue whipped out his mallet and hit Red on the head.
"DAMMIT, I GOT MOLLESTED, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, RED!"
"OW! But it's not like I mollested you! Well, there was that one time in Cancun when we -- I MEAN, NOTHING EVER HAPPENED!"
"15 POINTS FROM HUFFLEPUFF!" Blue snarled.
"Blue, we all made an agreement not to play Harry Potter anymore, remember? We're too mature for it now!" said Red.
"We played it 3 days ago, Red."
"Yeah, but it's not cool anymore."
"You only started saying that after Vio shoved a tree branch up your ass and told you to stop playing Harry Potter 'cause it wasn't cool. Then he shoved you off a cliff and started masturbating to porn again."
"Well, yeah, but --"
"Oh, come on Red, our Harry Potter playing days were good, remember?"
"Well, yeah, I guess..." Red agreed.
"AHEM!" the fairy fake-coughed. Red and Blue looked at her.
"Who's the fairy?" Blue asked.
"She saved me from a mob of angry townspeople," Red told him with a nod.
"Well, you both fucking suck, so let's go find Green and Vio," said the fairy, transporting them to the Dark World even though in the manga she doesen't do that but they get there anyway but in this story I made her do it anyway 'cause I felt like it, the end. Not really. It's not the end.
Suddenly, Red and Blue heard a voice (No, not the schizophrenic type).
"Red, Blue..." it said.
"THAT SOUNDS LIKE GREEN!" Red cried.
"Why's it always Green? Green's footprints, Green's voice... Do you like, have a crush on him or something?" the fairy asked.
"Ummm...ye -- no. NO..." Red replied.
"It could be Vio," Blue said.
"No, it's Green!" Red stuck by his theory.
"THAT'S IT, I'M SICK OF YOUR CRAP! LET'S KICK EACHOTHER IN THE NUTS 'TILL ONE OF US FALLS!"
"Why do you always have to do tha -- OW, SHIT!" Blue kicked Red in the groin. Then he did it again. And again.
"Both of you, stop it and look!" the fairy snapped. Looking up, Blue and Red found themselves before a large dark, creepy temple.
"What is this place?" Red asked.
"I think it was the Light Temple or something gay like that. Now it's all creepy and junk," replied the fairy.
The voice said, "Blue, Red!"
Footsteps were heard coming from the temple.
"H-hello?" Blue called.
Suddenly, Vio appeared at the doorway of the temple. BUTT NAKED.
"I've been waiting..." he said.