Chapter 6: Spookeh

"Ok, so it is decided. We shall have condom dispensers in the bathrooms of the palace. Now we must discuss bigger problems, like how the four heroes aren't DEAD YET! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL O' YOUS? Kill them! They're separated, so it shouldn't be THAT much of an effort..." snorted Gufuu, hovering in the sky above all his minions.

"You!" he barked, eyeing the hungover Shadow. "Haven't you done anything, oh, I don't know...USEFUL?"

Shadow huffed more of his Lysol, stumbled forward, then fell. Everyone else shook their heads.

"Do not Gufuu Sorcerer worry..." he slurred, "lured Blue to I and Red have the Temple Darkness of...hic."

Gufuu and the other creatures exchanged glances.

Shadow continued, "Sided has with Vio us... Red's have Sword Four also us with I here...hic." He chucked Red's Four Sword at Gufuu, and it barely missed him.

With a brief glance at the blade, Gufuu then said to Shadow, "Well, those may have been actions worthy of praise, had I been able to understand one single fucking word you just said... Have you considered, rehab, son? I know of a really good one. My sister went to it, it's simply fabulous."

Shadow hiccupped, stood up, huffed more Lysol, and grumbled, "No have problem I...go beer a I'm get gonna now..." With that, the shadow of Link shuffled away.

"Well, that was rather...disturbing. Anyway, I now need a volunteer to go kill Blue and Red. Kill them DEAD, ok?" Gufuu said.

"I'LL DO IT!" cried all the creatures of darkness in unison.

Gufuu randomly killed at least half of them.

"THAT is what you get for talking in unison! I HATE UNISON!"

The rest of the monsters were stone silent, but suddenly, a new voice said, "I'll kill the heroes, sweetie. I would do, like, a totally fabulous job on it!"

Everyone turned to see a giant ghost creature dressed in a purple sweater: the Big Poe.

"Ah, yes, Big Poe. You are up to the job?" asked Gufuu.

"Like, yah, sweetie!" replied the Big Poe, flicking his hand in a feminine way.

More glances were exchanged in between the monsters.

Said Gufuu, "Very well. Get to it then."

Zelda stood at the very top of the Wind Palace, attempting to commit suicide by jumping off of it. But just as she was about to, a fierce wind swirled upward past her, preventing the end of her life.

"Dammit!" swore Zelda.

Said a voice from behind, "The wind's not gonna let you go, princess. What the hell were you trying to do just now, anyway?"

Turning to face Shadow Link, Zelda replied, "Trying to commit suicide."

"Why?"

"'Cause everything sucks! This whole story sucks ASS! I'm gonna end it, 'cause if I die, the story can't go on!" Zelda sniffed.

Shadow huffed more of his Lysol and strode towards Zelda, a smirk plastered on his face.

"Wait a minute...earlier, you couldn't even speak a straight sentence. How come you're all normal -- well, sort of-- all of a sudden?" Zelda asked.

"'Cause I'm all smart and stuff, and I used every hangover cure in the book."

"Oh," replied Zelda, attempting to jump off the building again. The same thing happened.

"AHEM..." fake-coughed Shadow. Zelda turned to glare at him.

Said he, "I already TOLD you, that won't work!"

"I'LL KEEP DOING IT 'TILL IT DOES THEN! WITH DOGS AS MY WITNESS, I WILL COMMIT SUICIDE!"

"Um, Zelda, it's 'God', not 'dogs'..."

"Oh."

"Anyway, even if you WERE to kill yourself, the story would still go on."

"What are you saying?"

Shadow strode closer, fists on hips, grinning evilly.

"Because they're just gonna replace you with some cross-dresser or something if you do!" he said, jabbing her in the breast with his finger.

"HEY! Don't touch me!" snapped Zelda.

Shadow waved his finger in a circular motion a few centimeters from Zelda's face.

"But I'm not touching you!" he taunted.

"Stop that!"

He moved it a bit closer.

"Noooootttt touchin' you!" sang Shadow.

"I'M WARNING YOU..."

"IIIIIII'mmmmm...nnnnooooootttt...tttttoooouuuuccchhhiiinnnggg...yyyyooouuuu!"

"SHADOW..."

Shadow poked her.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH ME!" Zelda snapped.

"But I'm not!" insisted Shadow, waving the finger near her face again.

"Well, stop annoying me!"

Shadow poked her again.

"DON'T! I TOLD YOU TO STOP TOUCHING ME!"

"Noooooo...you said to stop ANNOYING you, not to stop TOUCHING you," Shadow said, poking her once more.

"THAT'S IT!" Zelda growled, grabbing him and pulling him into a full-nelson.

"OW, THAT HURTS!" whined Shadow, dropping the can of Lysol.

"Now...SAY 'UNCLE'!"

"W-WHAT?"

Zelda gripped him harder.

"SAY...'UNCLE'!"

"OWWWW...UNCLE!"

"Now, say it again!" The grip became harder. "Scream it!"

"UNCLE! UNCLE, UNCLE, UNCLE, UNCLE!" Zelda released him.

Rubbing the back of his neck tenderly, Shadow gaped at Zelda. Then he scrambled away.

"Dumbass. Now...let's try this again," muttered Zelda, attempting to fling herself off the top of the castle yet again.

Red bounced up and down happily.

"VIO, YOU'RE ALIVE, AS IN NOT DEAD, NOT BURIED, YOU'RE REALLY ALIVE, LIKE--" Blue slapped Red to prevent any further spazzing.

"Vio, why are you naked?" Blue asked.

"Uuuummmm..." Vio quickly changed the subject by saying, "Well, uh, Green's here too...so let's go in."

Red and Blue exchanged glances before following Vio inside the temple.

"Wow, this was like, way easier than I thought it would...be?" Blue started, but stopped when Vio lead them to a coffin decorated with a Four Sword.

"Vio, what..." Red uttered.

Vio took a deep breath and hung his head.

"The thing is...Green's dead. I lied. He's really, truly dead..."

"WHAT!" cried Blue, flipping off the lid of the coffin. It was empty.

"Vio, this coffin's empty!" he said.

"Green spontaneously combusted... There is no trace of him left..." replied Vio solemnly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Red screamed, and he started to cry hysterically.

"It's really too bad..." said Vio quietly. "We might as well quit now. There needs to be four of us, you know..."

"We went all this way for nothing? DAMMIT!" yelled Blue.

Out of anger, he picked up Green's supposed Four Sword, and slammed it down. It broke.

"Wait a minute...THIS FOUR SWORD IS FAKE! IT'S MADE OF COTTAGE CHEESE!" he exclaimed. "Vio, what shit are you trying to pull? Vio...?"

Looking around, Red and Blue saw Vio had mysteriously disappeared.

"Vio...?" Red called timidly with his tear-choked voice.

A voice called out, "Like, you sooo totally fell into the trap, sweeties!"

Many worm-like monsters sprang from the ground.

"r0r we r monsters!111!" they announced, attacking Blue and Red, who ran for it.

Red suddenly fell to the ground. Blue kicked him, saying, "Get up, you fucking dumbass!"

Tears were streaming down Red's face.

"Blue...Green's...gone...I...I loved him..."

"Ew, Red, you're gay?"

"Well, yeah."

"But you had a crush on Elne!"

"Yeah, but I was thinking with the little part of me that wasn't gay... But...I loved Green...he was my everything...my world..."

Blue rolled his eyes.

"Stop talking like a queer, Red."

"But I am a queer!"

Blue slapped Red.

"OW! Why'd you do that?" Red whimpered.

"'CAUSE YOU'RE TALKIN' LIKE A GAWD DAMN QUEER!"

"DON'T BE A FUCKING HOMOPHOBE, YOU FUCKING...HOMOPHOBE...NOT-GAY-PERSON...I think..."

Suddenly, the Big Poe appeared before them.

Glaring at Blue, he said, "Like, sweetie, that is soooo not fabulous to be dissin' da queers!"

Red and Blue stared wide-eyed at Big Poe. Then they yelled, "QUEER GHOST!" and ran away.

"Like, those sweeties are sooo not smart!" said Big Poe to himself.

Blue and Red kept running until they hit a wall.

"Yo, ya mother-fuckas..." said a voice from behind them. Recovering, Red turned to see the fairy!

"Miss Fairy! Where have you been?" he said excitedly.

The fairy, smoking joint, said, "I've been partying and stuff. You, you want some o' this here joint? As long as the cops don't find out I gave the stuff to a kid, it's cool, man. I mean, you knoooooow ya want some!"

"No thank you, Miss Fairy," Red replied. "We have big problems right now. There's like, a big ghost that's stalking us..."

"Whaddya want me ta do about it?" asked the fairy, smoking some more of the joint.

"Umm...kill it?" Red asked meekly.

The fairy snorted.

"I'm weak against darkness, ya mother-fucker."

"Oh..." said Red sadly.

Big Poe appeared before them once more.

"Like, super sorry, sweeties, but I'm gonna have to sooo totally kill you 'cause the fabulous Gufuu said so! I'm gonna soooo eat your souls!"

"NO, PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!" screamed Blue.

The fairy looked at Blue.

"Like, chill OUT little man! Here...have some joint," she said, offering the blue hero some of the drug.

"Ooooohhh, is that joint?" asked Big Poe eagerly.

"Why, yes...yes, it is," replied the fairy.

"Can I have some, sweetie? Joint is simply FAB!"

"Whatever." The fairy tossed the apparition some of the drug. But when Big Poe smoked it, he suddenly exploded.

"Woah! You defeated the ghost with the powers of joint!" Blue noted, blinking in surprise.

Red sighed and shook his head.

"I guess it's true what they say...you do drugs, you lose."

Suddenly, Blue's Four Sword (Bear in mind, Red's is in the possesion of the evil people) started to glow.

"Woah, dude!" Blue gasped.

Somewhere near the base of Death Mountain, Green's Four Sword began resonating.

"The Four Sword is...glowing?" The emerald hero blinked in surprise.

"Perhaps it's a sign that...everyone else is ok?"

Green continued up Death Mountain.

"Well, I have to find them! Maybe they're here...after all, this was our original destination..."

Vio peeked his head out from under the covers of the bed he was in. Looking at the bedside table, he saw that his Four Sword was resonating, and picked it up.

Shadow came out from under the covers next to Vio. Boths boys were naked.

"HEY! YO! Vio, put down that gawd damn sword! You are evil now! Leave it be!"

Grumbling Vio dropped it. Shadow grabbed the purple Link by the hair and forced him beneath the covers once more.

"Now...I'm not finished fucking you yet! Get back to sucking!"