I must thank Mariam Dirbashi. Without her, I could not have written this chapter. Thanks, Mariam, for the scans and summary! I dedicate this chapter to you as thanks!

Chapter 7: Pornography Princes

Green struggled through his climb of Death Mountain. Pulling himself up higher, he muttered, "Mother...fucker!"

He found himself on a ledge, and heard a voice cry out, "Help me! Help meeee!"

"What the...?" Green muttered, and turned to see a huge boulder next to him, an almost unhumanly small arm sticking out from under it.

"Oh, goddesses!" he squealed. "A squashed midget! Should I save it?"

"Help me!" cried the squashed midget.

Link took a moment to think.

"Hmm...I don't particularly fancy midgets...in fact, they frighten me so...but my concious says that saving the midget is the right thing to do..."

"Heeeeelp meeee!" cried the boulder's victim.

Muttered Link, "Though on the other hand, I don't really listen to my concious anyway..."

"HELP ME, GOD DAMMIT!"

"Well, ok. Maybe this midget can show me the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow."

With a deep breath, Green began to push the enormous boulder off of the midget. It was excruciatingly difficult and painful, but he managed the task. Exhausted and out of breath, Green kneeled on the ground, sweating and gasping for air when he was done.

There, where the boulder had stood, sat a plump little midget in a green body suit.

Green looked up.

"Who...are you...?" he panted.

"Why, I am Tingle! Have you not heard of me?" chirped the midget.

"Ummm...NO..."

"Anyway, thank you for saving me, young child! I am most greatful, and shall make it up to you!" exclaimed Tingle.

"How?" Green asked. "Will you show me the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?"

"No, but I can make sweet love to you!"

Green tried to imagine what being fucked by a midget would be like. Deciding that it wouldn't be too pleasant, and that he didn't quite care for midgets, he said, "No thanks, I'll, uh...PASS, thank you very much..."

"Are you sure? It would be fuuuuUUUn..."

"Umm...no. No, it wouldn't, actually. But do you know what WOULD be fun, um...Tingle?"

"What?" Tingle asked excitedly.

"Showing me the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!" Green said in an overly-enthusiastic tone.

"But...I know not of any pots of gold..."

Green stood up and continued hiking to the top of the mountain.

"Well, I don't want to have you make sweet love to me, and I want a pot of gold, so in other words, I think it best that we not see eachother again," he said.

Tingle trotted along at his heels.

"Guess what?" he asked.

"What..." Green grumbled, growing immediately irritated.

"I want to be a fairy!"

"And I want to be the owner of Playboy, but we can't all get what we want, now can we?"

"Sir, are you trying to crush my hopes and dreams?" Tingle asked, offended.

Green considered this for a moment.

"...Yep," he finally answered.

"Oh...well, want me to make sweet love to you now?"

"What? I already told you, I DON'T want you to make sweet love to me, ok?"

"Are you sure?"

"YES."

"I think you would like a fucking in the ass from Tingle, sir."

"NO, I WOULDN'T, NOW DON'T YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO BESIDES...WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW?"

"No, I have nothing better to do than make sweet love to you, sir! Now let's get naked!" Tingle said happily.

"NO, NOW BUZZ OFF!" Green yelled, trying to kick Tingle.

"No, sir, make sweet love to me!"

"NO, STOP IT!"

"Come on, let's make sweet love down by the fire!"

"NO, DAMMIT -- Tingle?"

Tingle's eyes had grown wide. He gaped at something behind Green fearfully.

"What is it?" Green demanded.

Tingle let out a scream as a giant cyclops suddenly grabbed Green and lifted him into the air.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Green screamed. "TINGLE, SAVE ME!"

"Not a chance, 'Mr. I-Won't-Make-Sweet-Love-to-Tingle!" cried Tingle, inflating a balloon and flying away.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU -- WOOOOOOOAAAAH, AAAAAAAHHHH!" The cyclops started spinning Green around in the air. After a few moments of this, it flung him. Green landed hard on the ground not too far away.

Drawing his sword, he said, "I will vanquish you, monster...!" But when he stood up, Green found himself too dizzy and toppled over.

"Oh no, I am going to die!" he cried, and shut his eyes to await the approaching cyclops' deadly blow.

But...it never came...

A black hole-ish thing had appeared in the sky, and out from it jumped Red, Blue, and the fairy.

Red attacked the giant cyclops with his Fire Rod, and Blue assaulted it with his Four Sword. It was defeated within moments.

Green gaped.

"Red! Blue!"

"Oh, Green, I missed you!" cried Red, flinging his arms around Green and hugging him tightly.

Moments went by...more moments...and more moments still...

"Ok, Red, you can let go of Green now..." Blue said.

Blushing madly, Red released Green and mumbled, "Oh...right...yes, yes, of course..."

Suddenly, everyone heard a noise and turned around. The sight before them rooted the heroes to the spot with fear: a horde of the giant cyclops were climbing up the mountain side toward them, and proceeded to chase them. The boys ran screaming, Green in the lead.

Suddenly, Red and Blue crashed into their emerald companion, for he had stopped suddenly, as a river of lava had just appeared before them.

"What the fuck, where did that lava come from?" Blue yelped.

"Why does it matter? As long as the sky is purple, everything is cool, right?" said the fairy casually, smoking some weed and staring up at the sky serenely.

"We're trapped!" screamed Red, clinging to Green as he stared fearfully at the advancing cyclops.

"Ah, I see you have met my loyal subjects..." said a voice slyly from across the large river of lava. Green, Red, and Blue looked up and gasped.

Vio sat at the other end of the river on a throne. He was naked, except for a black leather spiked dog collar. He smirked at them evilly.

"What do you think of them?" he asked mockingly.

"Vio, what the...?" Green uttered.

"I am bad now. Piss...ass...BAD. I have decided to join the Dark Ones, and there is nothing you can do about it! MWUAHAHAHAHA!"

"Do all of the Dark Ones dress in only leather spiked dog collars?" asked Red.

Vio ignored the question, and said, "All of you SUCK, you fucking queers... I have come to my senses and realized that this stupid little mission to save Princess Zelda and Hyrule is completely and utterly foolish."

"WHY, YOU...!" Blue growled, picking up a rock and throwing it at Vio. The purple Link held up a hand, and the rock bounced off of it. The place in Vio's palm where it had made impact began to bleed.

A long silence ensued.

Finally, Vio said with a blank face, "...Ow."

Ending his speech with a sly smirk, he said, "And I have one person to thank for showing me the truth..."

"And that would be me," Shadow said, smirking. He had appeared out of nowhere, and was also dressed in nothing but a collar that matched Vio's (and of course, he had the can of Lysol with him).

"Oh, great, not YOU again..." grumbled Green, rolling his eyes.

Shadow huffed some of the Lysol.

"HA! Yes, me!" he said.

Striding over to Vio, Shadow slung an arm around the other boy's shoulders.

He said, "You see, it is true... I have convinced good old Vio here to join my side, the side of darkness, and fight against the likes of you." He grinned evilly.

"Vio is my bitch now..." he said, taking Vio's face in his hands. He pulled Vio into a french kiss, moving his tongue around in the purple Link's mouth.

"OH, MY GODDESSES!" cried Blue, covering his eyes.

Shadow and Vio broke apart and gazed deeply into eachother's eyes.

"Make love to me, Shadow!" cried Vio dramatically.

"Oh, take me now, Vio!" exclaimed Shadow, tossing the can of Lysol aside.

Shadow yanked Vio off the throne. Vio fell back onto the ground, and Shadow leapt on top of him, wildly tongue banging him and rubbing his crotch against Vio's.

"OH, MY GAWD!" screamed Red, becoming erect at the very sight. Green and Blue watched, stunned, as the sexy activity went on for many minutes.

Red let out a sudden little squeak for some reason, and Shadow and Vio slowly pulled apart from eachother.

Green glared at Vio and said, "Vio, you are convicted of asshole-ism! I challenge you to a fight NOW!"

Vio's lids looked heavy with seduction, and smiling, he turned to Shadow, and cooed, "What do you say, love, shall I fight him?"

Shadow returned Vio's look, brushed a strand of hair from his bitch's face, and replied, "Well, ok, dearest...here you go. Have fun now!" Shadow handed Vio his sword and snapped his fingers. A circular arena began to rise from the depths of the lava river before them.

"Oh, Green, why can't we be like that...?" Red asked dreamily.

"Umm...what?" Green asked.

"Umm, nothing! I, uh...just asked if you had found that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow yet! Yeah! That's it!" Red said hurriedly.

Green frowned.

"Wait a minute...no...I...I haven't found that pot of gold yet..." he said sadly, blinking and looking confused as if he had just realized that he lacked a pot of gold.

"Well, good luck to you anyway!" Red replied, shoving Green forward.

With a shrug, Green leapt onto the arena. Vio arrived there a moment later, pointing his Four Sword at Green and grinning.

"Ready to lose?" Green sneered.

"Oh, I don't think I'll be doing the losing... I'm gonna make a mess outta you..." Vio growled.

"Oh, may I wipe it up with your face then?" Green asked in a tone of false sweetness.

"Don't go crying to mommy when you lose..." hissed Vio.

"Don't go crying to daddy when I kick your ass... Now let's get it on!"

"What?"

"Er...I didn't mean it that way...so let's just fight. Now, take three steps back."

Vio and Green turned on their heels and began to take three steps away from eachother, but before this could be done, Green said, "Oh...and Vio?"

"What?" Vio asked, turning a little to look at Green.

"You look awful fat in those pants."

"...I'm not wearing pants."

"Well, it was worth a shot... I mean, that line was really cool in Dodgeball..."

At last, Green and Vio turned to face eachother once more.

Shadow called, "ON MY MARK... GET READY...GET SET...GO!"

With battle cries, Green and Vio brutally attacked eachother. The battle commensed!

"COME ON, GREEN, FIGHT HIM, KILL HIM!" Blue bellowed.

Red stood next to Blue, sobbing.

Turning to face Red, Blue asked, "Red, what's your problem? Suck it up! And -- ew...what's that icky white stain around your crotch?"

"It's nothing!" Red sobbed, placing his hands over his crotch.

The battle went on for quite some time; so long, in fact, that Shadow had reached highness to the point where he was was rolling around on the ground, laughing hysterically and watching something in the sky that his druggie-imagination had invented. He huffed the last bit of Lysol in the can.

"Look at the bears dance!" he slurred.

Vio took a flying leap at Green, and attempted to bring his sword down on his head, but Green blocked and slashed at Vio, who dodged. The two ran at eachother at the same time, clashed, and suddenly, time seemed to slow down. Green's eyes widened, and the emerald hero fell. He lay on the ground, motionless. Vio towered above him, looking triumphant.

"He's dead..." Vio said softly, an evil grin upon his face.

"WHAT?" Blue and Red shouted in unison, leaping onto the arena and running to green.

Shadow staggered forward, waving the empty Lysol around.

"Da's good work...love..." he slurred, throwing an arm over Vio's shoulder and leaning heavily on him in a drunken fashion.

"Le's go celebrate...'is...death..."

"Very well, darling..." cooed Vio, nuzzling Shadow. The two started off, but not before Vio turned his head and gave Red and Blue a look that said, All is not what it seems, so hang on... Blue and Red had seen it, but hadn't given it much thought. They were too busy crying out Green's name and checking him over.

A teary Red sobbed, "M-Miss Fary...c-can you revive him?"

With an annoyed groan and another breath of marijuana, the fairy flew over to Green.

"Dumbasses! He's unconcious, not dead!"

"Really?" asked Blue.

"DUUUH, what did I just SAY?" snapped Miss Fairy.

Green moaned and sat up, a hand to his stomach.

"OH, GREEN, YOU REALLY ARE ALIVE!" cried Red happily, hugging Green.

"Grr...Vio...that asshole..." grumbled Blue.

"Wait a moment, Blue... I don't think Vio's gone bad at all. I think he's acting, and he's really up to something... See, on his last move, he pushed the hilt of his sword into my stomach, not the blade... He wasn't really trying to kill me... But I think he's in danger," said Green.

"Why should we care? He's wearing a DOG COLLAR! He's Shadow's bitch, and seems to be really enjoying it!" huffed Blue.

"Don't jump to conclusions..." Green said darkly, staring in the direction Vio and Shadow had went in.