...Quasi-Love...
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue
Pairings: Naru/Iru, Naru/Sasu, Sasu?
Rating: May have sexual references/scenes in future chappies, some swearing (if you know how i write), taboo scenarios... so... not for young kids!
A/N: I realised, as i was writing this, that I've messed up Naruto's mindframe. It is shamefully, extremely OOC, and to think that he was supposed to be the consistent one. Just to let you know, EVERYONE here will be OOC. It cannot be helped. I'll try to keep some aspects IC if i can, but the story will be.. um...
My defence? IT'S MY STORY! But yours to enjoy. So... please review:p
Chapter One: The tide is high
God! I'm so in love!Have you ever felt that racing of your heartbeat? That flushing of your cheeks? That silly, goofy smile that you so unconsciously display?
I'm in love.
You'd think that those things were only ever mentioned in books; that they can never be real because how can someone possibly draw an effect like that from you. But.
Oh, God.
That smile. The delicious tan. Those chocolate eyes. It's simply too hard to resist! I tell myself not to let myself wander, not to be so obvious (keep it all in, boy), but even if I feel that I hadn't let loose on it to anyone, a person of his intellect should surely know.
Oh, God, his looking at me now. His eyes are folded in a crescent; his mouth drawn to a friendly smile and all I want to do is just scream out how CUTE HE IS.
"Naruto, can you tell me the answer to this equation?"
That got me out of my reverie. I fumble for an answer as I feel all eyes on me. "I… er… I." Looking at the board for the very first time, I see complicated, nonsensical lines and loops. "I… um… I dunno." There is laughter behind me. I look towards him, cheeks more flustered than before. But his voice is soothing amongst the tumultuous howling.
"That's okay. Would someone like to help Naruto out?"
"The answer's 2, sir," a female replies.
"Excellent, Sakura. Can you tell the class how you derived the answer?"
"You allow x to equal zero followed by…."
I drown out the tedious explanation, the remains of soft snickering, and focus back on him. His understanding face, his never-ending patience as he listens to the class nerd's long-winded answer. And then his looking back at me, smiling that same, compassionate smile. And I cannot resist smiling brightly back.
God, I love him.
Which was why even though I suck miserably in mathematics, I continuously choose the advanced ones just so I could be in his class. And he'd look at me, face concern on every last day of the school year, asking me if it is what I truly want.
Of course I don't want this, Iruka-sensei! I wanted to say but never dared. But if this is what it takes to be in the same room as you, I'll rack my brains out, read through the text a million times to manage a meager pass, no problem. Hell, I'd even stay back a few years in the same grade!
The school bell rings. Noises of hurried packing, chairs scraping floorboards as students begin to rise. Iruka-sensei tries to calm the commotion but fails and resolves to yell his statement instead. "Don't forget the test on Friday!"
Oh, Iruka-sensei. Even your voice is sweet and heavenly!
I take my time packing, knowing that Iruka-sensei wouldn't be leaving as he has a class in the same room for next period. Most of the students by now had left, and the remaining few were just making their way out. I slowly zipped my pencil-case, slowly stacked my books and stood up. But as I lift my face up, I see that Iruka-sensei was standing right before me.
Oh? What a lovely surprise!
"Naruto, can I have a word with you?"
Have as many as you want! I'm all yours.
He sighs. And I recognize this as one of those talks he conducts in trying to get me to quit his classes. I frown. I've endured many of these recently.
"How should I say this?" A pause. "I've noticed that your marks have been decreasing. And really, Naruto, there isn't much to be decreased of. I know that I've spoken to you about the matter many times before, but do seriously consider. Why don't you try focusing on things that you're more better in, instead of trying so hard in…"
Something you're obviously not better in? He doesn't continue though, he doesn't have the heart to hurt me so bluntly.
But don't you understand, Iruka-sensei? If I'm not in your class, I don't know how I can ever see you. I can't wait for fortuitous meetings at school or on the streets. I can't stalk you and make you afraid of me. It's not fair!
"Try doing a simpler level and then working your way up. Who knows, maybe you're just lacking a basic learning, a fundamental theorem or such. Maybe your problem isn't that you don't understand it, but you missed a vital component in understanding it, you know?
"Iruka-sensei, I love your classes!" I quickly blurted without properly thinking. He looked a bit taken aback, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I mean," I tried, "I love the things that's being taught in here. Although I'm not as smart as, say, Sakura, I do try. I study every night, Iruka-sensei. Please don't kick me out."
He smiled wearily back. "I'm not kicking you out, Naruto. I just want you to think about it. What's good in liking something when it's obviously causing you trouble. You'd have to work three times as hard as any student in this class to scrape up barely enough to pass. Imagine having the extra time you spend studying for this class doing other more worthwhile things."
"If you like something, you don't think of the trouble as trouble. You just enjoy it and that's that."
"Yes, but there comes consequences. Don't you ever think that, maybe, you're better without this?"
"If you care only of the consequences, Iruka-sensei, you won't be able to do anything. Don't you think, Iruka-sensei, maybe I'm worse without this?"
"But your classmates are constantly laughing at you when you get things wrong. Which, I'm afraid to say, is all the time."
"Well, I like to face my fears," I say stubbornly.
"Naruto..."
I see that I'm beginning to tire him. And I know that if I don't leave the room now we'd still be stuck in this limbo state. So, being ever so courteous, I said, "I'm late for class. See you tomorrow," and hurriedly left. I heard him calling for me but I knew it was done by habit and not him trying to retain me.
Oh, Iruka-sensei. If only you knew…The classes after were the same as always. I barely paid attention to anything or anyone and dreamed only of Iruka-sensei: his passionate self, his handsome face, that cute little scar across his nose giving him that hint of maybe something different. Like a dark side or something dangerous…
Oh, God.
When after-school bell rang, I walked home still thinking of him and anticipating tomorrow. It's funny how limited your world becomes when you're in love. You forget everything else, lose yourself, and think only on the object of your affection. Especially when the love hasn't blossomed yet, you tend to conjure up scenarios and situations, perfect romantic conversations. But at the same time, your fears become stronger and you become ever more aware of your flaws. You think: what if he doesn't like me? What if he does like me but I'm really not good enough for him. Is it the stumpy legs? Is it 'cause I'm too short? And when you hit a wall, when he doesn't respond to something little you do, you go to bed and think: No. I'm not good enough. I'm gonna give up. But then tomorrow comes and when you see him it starts all over again.
A vicious cycle. A damned routine. It's like being caught in a tide: when there's no way out, you're just forced to ride it.
The first time I met Iruka-sensei was when I was twelve. I was walking myself in the neighborhood during some twilight hour when a gang of kids only slightly older followed me. Like prince-charming or the shining knight – what have you – Iruka-sensei came to my rescue, shooed off the group before they could harm me further. It was a brilliant scene, with the setting sun casting fantastic colors on him, bathing him in an orange glow as he kneeled down to face my small frame. I fell in love with him then: that beautiful picture, those caring eyes, the incessant requests of whether I was alright. I thought I'd never see him again when he dropped me home and went his own way back. But when I enrolled in this school, I realized it must've been fate. I saw him again, was accidentally put in the advanced classes, and before any of the teachers could correct their mistake, I tried my absolute hardest to prove that I belonged.
But alas, my brain is not of that material.
What I did prove, though, which mattered much more than anything else, was that I was hardworking and willing to do the work. Something that impressed Iruka-sensei immensely and thus did not reject my enrollment. But now, I guess, he's finally seen his mistake.
What will I do if I do get kicked out eventually? What will happen if he rejects my next year's enrollment in his classes? It cannot happen!
When I arrived home, I quickly got my texts out and started revising again. Like many other nights when the evil predicament plagued me and I found no other solution. I must study hard and pass and prove to Iruka-sensei that I can still survive another year of rules and theorems, of circles and imaginary numbers. This I must do.
It has become a lifestyle for me. It has become something I'm used to now even though the progress is scanty. I'm not even sure if it's healthy for my brain, trying to stuff it with meaningless explanations on things I cannot store, of shapes I cannot distinguish. But like the tide, I can only simply ride it.