...Quasi-Love...
Chapter two: The First Onslaught of Confusion
"What do you mean you forgot the test was on Calculus!" Iruka slams his hand on the desk; his whole body almost shakes from the impact. I dip my head in shame. How did I forget? How the hell am I supposed to keep track!
He doesn't say anymore and the silence hangs annoyingly amongst us. So I studied the wrong chapter. So I forgot that the test was supposed to be on those stupid integration thingies. Does he have to look so irritated with me like I'm… I'm… the worst thing that ever happened to him?
"Iruka-sensei, I'm sorry. I just thou–"
"Sorry?" he laughs a bitter laugh that scares me, more so than the fact that he just cut me off. "Oh, no, don't be sorry Naruto. You're the one failing the topic here. You just make my job easier 'cause that's one less paper I'll need to mark."
Oh, the sarcasm.
"If you can forget such a simple thing as having a test on a chapter we last studied, I don't think you're taking this subject very seriously. I cannot believe you even made me think that you liked the subject. I've had it, Naruto. No more. Don't ever come back to this class again."
What?
"Get out now."
Huh?
Iruka-sensei points his finger towards the door.
Okay, I'm confused. What is going on?
When he sees that I'm rooted to the spot, too dumbstruck to even think, let alone move, he opens his mouth exaggeratedly and says very slowly: "now".
I'm speechless. Utterly. Entirely. Positively speechless. I walk out, eyes probably blinking a million times trying to understand what ever happened before and not succeeding very much. So I studied for the wrong test and left my paper blank because I didn't know what to write. What's so wrong about that? That's not really kicking out material!
I walk down the empty corridor, my head in a haze. There was still the last period running but I could hardly be in the mood. Iruka-sensei just kicked me out, my mind continuously shouted. Iruka-sensei just kicked me out! Iruka-sensei just kicked me out of his only class! Then–
Wait a minute. Iruka-sensei just yelled at me?
Iruka-sensei never yells at me. I cannot believe this. Here I am, spending the past two nights studying for this damn test. My only mistake was that I studied the wrong thing. It doesn't mean I'm not 'taking this subject very seriously'! It only means that I'm taking this subject TOO SERIOUSLY THAT I FORGET.
I exit the doors feeling defeated. Then, a minute or two later, when everything sinks in, I feel that my eyes are slowly burning. My heart feels heavy.
Iruka-sensei.
He… he… doesn't like me.
I seat myself on the closest thing to me, no doubt the concrete floor. The sun shines around me but not on me and I realize that I'm in a shady area. I don't even wonder where I am, and honestly, I don't even care. I hate always saying this but, I really don't know what's going on.
Perhaps it's this confusion; this inability to evaluate my current predicament that scares me. And as a result, I find that my tears can no longer hold back. Instead, I feel it falling like giant waves. Like a rushing dam that cannot be contained with a single wooden plank. And again I feel so defeated.
I realize now, like many things that can only be realized retrospectively, that it isn't so much the fact that Iruka-sensei kicked me out that's making me feel this way. Nor is it even the fact that Iruka-sensei yelled at me. It's… it's Iruka-sensei being so… angry. And at me.
It's the way things are for this sort of love. One moment you're ecstatically happy that the person you like would smile your way. But when he doesn't, you just feel so depressed it's almost silly. Because, really, it shouldn't be that important that he didn't smile at you since he isn't obliged to. With my case, it shouldn't matter why he's angry with me. It's obvious why he's so angry. But it still hurts because it's like, why does he have to be angry at me? I actually like him. I like him a lot. Hell, I think I even love him. And because of this, he shouldn't have any reason to be angry at me. He cannot be angry at me. He must not. BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR.
"My, aren't we a little sad today."
My head shoots up to the foreign voice and there are faint footsteps before it pauses. Standing before me, arms crossed and leaning against the wall is the student Goth. He's clothed in black: black shirt, black shorts, black knee-high docs. He also wears black eyeliner, smudged heavily around the eyes. His hair, spiky at the back, is also black. For a moment, I don't recognize who he is with the onslaught of darkness. But his pale white skin, (most likely powdered) and those rosy lips (undoubtedly reddened) slowly brings a name to thought.
There is only one student in this school that can dress like this and still not look like a dag. Uchiha Sasuke.
He unfolds his arm and walks towards me, stopping only when his feet touches my leg. Then he bends down to look me straight in the eye. This guy surely doesn't know what personal space means.
"Wanna tell Sasuke-kun what's wrong, Naruto?" He drawls out the 'Naruto', testing it on his tongue, flipping it in his mind, no doubt unsure if it is the correct name. His voice is deep and he speaks very slowly. I shuffle in my seat. I've never really spoken to Sasuke before. I've never dared. We've never crossed paths, never paid much attention to each other, never needed to know each other existed. But he is a popular one, having friends of all sorts; which is why there's no surprise that I'd know him but one that he knows me.
He tilts his head to the side and raises a brow for an inquisitive stare. "So?"
I sniff, turn away from looking at him and begin wiping my eyes. "Go away."
"Don't be such a sook, Naruto. Are you scared, is that it?"
Scared? What?
"I'm not scared," I say, angry, turning back to him. "Why would I be scared? Who am I scared of? And I am no sook!"
He looks at me, blinks a few times, and I notice that his eyes are black too. Then, suddenly, he draws back his head and laughs.
I don't get it.
What is with me today and not understanding things!
"Oh, you're funny," he says when he's stopped laughing. I wait for him to say something else, but he doesn't so I turn my head away again.
"Am not," I mutter.
There is silence again and I feel that his eyes are still on me. I wipe at my eyes unconsciously, thinking back to Iruka-sensei, feeling that twinge of pain again and unknowingly sigh.
"Let me guess. Boy problems?"
"Yeah, what a psychic," I say feeling the average, run-of-the-mill, typical guess. If it's not boy problems, then it's money; always one or the other – 50/50 chance of hitting the jackpot, buddy.
A moment later then it hits.
"Wait, what? No-no-no. I'm not…"
"Really?"
I look at him, finally notice how close we are, and move back a little, then a little more, trying to lengthen the space. But he plops himself on the ground and in the end, we remain an inch apart. I stop moving, trying to think of a way to convince him that I'm not gay while wondering how in the world he knew. In the end, I realize that it could only be a mere guess and nothing else.
"I don't need to convince you of anything," I finally say, satisfied of my conclusion.
"Really?" he says again but this time looking more smug.
Shit. Did I let myself out? Am I that transparent? Can he see right through me? Crap.
And why the hell is he here?
"I'd like to see you say that to… Iruka-sensei."
My heart almost stops. He does it again – that name thingy. Like he's unsure of the name but says it anyway. What's worse is, like the first time, he got the second one right as well and, HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW?
I must've looked as shocked as I felt because he begins to laugh again.
I really hate his laugh.
"What's with the big reaction?"
What's with the big reaction?
"So what happened this time, Naruto? Did he yell at you? Is that why you came out here and cried?"
Wha-? Wait. Hold on. Rewind. Exactly, what is going on?
"Oh wait, did he reject you? Did you confess? Is that it?"
"H-how the HELL do you know?" I can't control myself. I can feel myself shaking; not because I'm scared that Sasuke knows, but because it's now obvious that he's known for a LONG TIME. Does that mean that others' know? Does Iruka-sensei know? Does the whole world know but pretend that they don't know? WHO KNOWS?
"You poor thing. Don't worry, there's plenty of fishes in the sea."
"No-no-no, you know what I'm talking about. How did you know?"
Sasuke blinks again. He looks slightly amused and he gives me the most irritating smirk I've ever witnessed in my whole life on a human's face.
"I can tell," he says smugly.
God, I feel like crying again. This is so frustrating! First I get yelled at by Iruka-sensei and now I'm facing some stranger I barely know who's telling me that he knows my all-time highly concealed secret? What is this?
"Don't cry, sook."
I look at him, my eyes trying to bore holes in his beautifully smug face. "Go to hell."
His smile drops. His eyes look intense, almost dangerous. For a fleeting second I suspect that he'll bash me. But that doesn't last long. All I can think of is the fact that UCHIHA SASUKE knows. UCHIHA SASUKE has known for a long time. And I feel the tears resurfacing again. This frustration. This annoyance. This exclusion. It's like realizing that the joke is on you when the secret that you thought was a secret turns out to be some sort of public knowledge. You feel so cheated. What's the point of holding it in, slapping yourself when you accidentally let it loose when, EVERYBODY ALREADY KNOWS?
"W-who else knows?" I say in between sobs. I realize that I'm crying pretty hard now that I feel the hiccups coming. I can barely speak. "D-does t-the whol-whole world know now? D-does I-iruka-sen-sensei kn-know? Is-is tha-that w-why? Is-is th-that w-why he-he's ki-kicking m-me o-out o-of his c-class? His only class?"
Is that why he yelled at me? Is that why he's so angry? Is that why he kicked me out? Because he doesn't want to see me? Because he's not gay? Because he doesn't want to have some guy falling in love with him? Because he doesn't like me?
I hate having all these insecurities. I hate feeling this twisted pain in my chest. This difficulty in breathing. I hate having my brain bombarded with these thoughts even though subconsciously I know they're always there. Some day, I'd have to rationalize where these thoughts come from and I fear what the answer will be. You always hate living in the fantasy land that's always perfect because you think it's just deluding yourself. But sometimes, reality is that difficult to bear that living in the fantasy world seems the only way out.
"Have you kissed before?"
Wha-?
"W-what!"
Sasuke remains in his position before but something in his face tells me that it won't be for long. I try to regulate my breathing so that the hiccups will stop and wonder what he's trying to say. So I've never kissed before? What? Can he tell that too?
Then his face is looming towards mine and I feel my cheeks burning from the foreign closeness. He looks at my face, searchingly, before he orders me to close my eyes.
"Think of him: Iruka. Think of him being this close to you right now."
His voice is very quiet and although it sounds like an order, it doesn't really feel like one at the same time. I squeeze my eyes shut, not knowing what's going on, too tired to think ahead, yet feeing a dim sense of excitement. I can feel his breath on my face, warm and somehow comfortable.
"Haven't you ever fantasized about him?"
My eyes snap open and all I can see now is the extreme close-up of his nose. "What? I-I…"
"Close your eyes."
"What're you doing?" I say, barely in a whisper.
What's going on? I barely know you. I've never even spoken to you until today. Here I am sulking about my non-existent love life and you come along. And now you're pulling this shit on me?
When I feel his lips slightly grazing mine my heartbeat immediately quickens. I've never done this before. What am I supposed to do if he does do what I think he's doing? I've only ever imagined it with Iruka-sensei, I've never imagined it with him.
Holy shit! He'd probably be the last person I'd want to imagine it with.
"Think that these lips are the ones you've been dreaming to touch…"
He murmurs that against my lips. My stomach flutters. I cannot believe that my body is betraying me at this time. Perhaps it's sixteen years of being single that I'm beginning to grow a little desperate, here. Gosh, I hate being a teenage boy.
"…the softness and texture is what you've always imagined…"
I can feel him slowly shifting his angle to match mine. My heart stops.
"…and let yourself go."
Slowly, very slowly, his tongue probes my lips and I don't know what to do but let it in. It is a mixture of sensations: electric, softness, sweetness. I stay there, idle, not knowing how to react. His tongue begins to graze my teeth, carefully exploring my virgin mouth, and I begin to feel a sudden… giddiness. My insides begin to melt like the last few minutes of a chocolate fondue. Then, slowly, I see that it is no longer darkness that surrounds me. The hair that tickles my face turns to a softer texture. I see in my mind the lazy brown locks, a scar lightly scratching the tip of my nose. He begins to take up speed and I try my best to match his movements. I draw him closer to me, press the back that should be wearing the light blue shirt, feel the skinny chest less bony. I open my lips wider, allow him to push his tongue further in, feeling myself nearly gag. When he moans, it isn't the slow, deep voice I hear. Instead, it's one that is a little higher pitch, one that carries many more years than the first.
My hiccups no longer exist. My breathing no longer matters. Before me is Iruka-sensei, kissing me with all the heat and passion he has on reserve only for me. I hear the sweet slish-slosh noise from our delicious activity, hear my hands grazing his hair dearly, and then the faint footsteps of someone familiar.
I search for his tongue, hold it inside mine and suck on it hard, savoring every bit of his taste, taking revenge for making me almost choke. It's amazing, what we're doing, this kiss that we're sharing. I've never thought that kissing Iruka-sensei would be this… pleasurable.
We continue to kiss for a while until he suddenly breaks it off. I feel annoyed and irritated, open my eyes a peak and pull him in again. But he pulls back and I can't help but release a grunt.
My eyes open ever so slowly and in my glazed vision I still see the gorgeous profile of Iruka-sensei. I turn to his direction, see a figure standing still, try to concentrate on the face. Then, it's as if I'm seeing double, because somehow, I can see two Iruka-sensei's now. I blink rapidly a few times, see that the face before me somehow turns paler than how I imagined. See the lips more rosy.
Standing a few feet away, however, looking as shocked as I could've imagined, was Iruka-sensei and I wonder how he changed position so quickly. Like all things for me, it always sinks in a little later.
I didn't know who had the more surprised face.