Chapter three: Hopeless

Sasuke takes his time in getting up and walking away. He chooses to walk past Iruka-sensei, brushing his shoulder lightly against his as if silently trying to tell him that he'd rudely intruded. I wanted to get up and yell at him, hit him hard on the face for even as much as give Iruka-sensei attitude. But I sit still, too shocked to even move.

Iruka moves slightly away after the shoulder-brushing incident, head dipped low as if in a an apology. My insides want to scream out. I want to tell him… what? I don't really know. Just like I want to yell at Sasuke but I really don't know how. All I can feel at the moment is the aftertaste of the kiss I'd mistakenly shared with Sasuke and feel ashamed that I'd actually liked it. And to be in front of Iruka-sensei as well? I want to bury my head and cry.

When Sasuke has finally left the two of us, Iruka-sensei looks as if he doesn't know what to say. Hell, I don't even know if there is anything to say anymore. Then, a minute or two later he turns to me and manages a blush.

"Sorry," he says and I feel the tears brimming in my eyes. I shared a kiss with someone that wasn't you, Iruka-sensei. I'm supposed to lose my kiss to you "I didn't know that you guys were…. I thought that…. I mean… Oh god. I don't even know what I'm talking about." He laughs nervously and I feel the guilt creep up a higher notch.

"Look," he tries again. "I was just looking for you to apologize for what I said before. I didn't mean it. It's just, you know, one of those days. And I didn't know that, you know, you and Sasuke were going out. I mean, wow, I didn't even know that you guys were friends. I mean, you're in the same class and sit in opposite ends. But I guess you probably want to hide it. Not that I have anything against, you know, this sort of relationship, but I guess you wouldn't want anyone to know about it. I mean, it's normal, it's just. Okay, I'm rambling. I just… I'm sorry I intruded. And I, um, want you to know that I didn't mean it when I said not to come back to my class anymore. You're more than welcome to come, if you still want to that is."

He finally stops speaking but all I can do is look at his innocent face. All I can think of is that this person doesn't know how I feel inside. This person who is probably the closest person to me, ever, doesn't know that I really like him. Have only ever liked him. I want to yell at him for being so stupid. For being so dense. For being so thick to not even have a clue. And I can't help but feel so alone with him standing there thinking totally different things from me.

"What's wrong?" he says worriedly, walking to me and crouching low to look at my face. I feel the tears again and try to hide them from him. "Why are you crying?" He places his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me but I only feel worse. When I don't say anything, he crosses his legs and sits down. He speaks again.

"Remember the time when I first saw you, Naruto?" he begins in his reminiscing tone. "You were so excited to go to the canteen for lunch that you didn't see where you were going. And so you bumped into me and we both fell down. I couldn't believe at that time how strong such a little boy could be. You were a happy fella. And you were always so bright. Even in classes when students laughed at you, you didn't care. You wouldn't cry then so why are you crying now? Tell me what's wrong, Naruto."

You don't remember when we first met.

"Is it your parents? Do you miss them?"

Idon't even know who my parents are. How can I miss them?

"You're a brave person, you know that?"

No, I'm a terrible sook. Maybe that Sasuke was right after all.

"Everything will work out."

Nothing ever works out.

I breathe in deeply, wipe away my tears and tell myself to stop crying. I force a smile as I look up at him. You don't like me, do you? "I'm fine, Iruka-sensei. And me and Sasuke isn't going out."

He looks straight in my eyes for a moment then gives a small smile like he understands. I really wonder if he does.

"I understand. Give it some time, Naruto. You know, when I first went out with my girlfriend, I didn't know if we had a relationship." Girlfriend. "She never admitted anything and didn't act like she cared. But I realized later, that she was just as nervous as I. She didn't want to go to conclusions too quickly. Maybe that's the way Sasuke is, you know?"

I bend my legs and wrap my arms around my knees, head semi buried in a self-embrace. My chest feels so heavy it's as if I can fall underground to the eternal depths of hell. And yet, I feel that even hell would be better than here.

"Girlfriend, huh?"

"I'm sure things will work out for you guys. Just give it some time."

"How long?"

He pauses. "Huh?"

"Have you been dating?"

"Oh. Almost three years now." He laughs nervously.

Three years. My vision is clouded again but I will myself not to cry. That's way too much crying for the day now, isn't it, Naruto? Yet…

"That's nice."

"Really? I dunno. I mean," he sighs again, "I'd think that three years is quite long too, you know. But she doesn't seem to think so."

"What do you mean?"

"I… I spoke to her about marriage last night." Oh God. "I mean, I didn't propose or anything, I just wanted to discuss it, you know. But she seemed so… I dunno. It was like she wanted to avoid the issue. I mean, we've been dating for three years but it's like she never thought we'd have a future together. I thought girls liked talking about marriage."

I can't do this.

"May-maybe she's not ready."

"She's twenty-seven. I'm nearly thirty. I'd thought that we could at least think about family at this stage. Wouldn't you?"

"I… I don't know."

Don't do this to me, Iruka-sensei.

"She knows that I want to have a family. If she doesn't want it, she can always tell me. Why try to avoid it for? It's not like we're young, we don't have forever to think about these things. Just tell me what you're thinking. Isn't that right, Naruto?"

"I really don't know."

I feel so exhausted that I just want him to go away. Don't tell me about your problems with your girlfriend, Iruka-sensei. I don't want to hear it. It's… it's…

"Oh, I'm sorry. You're probably not in the mood for this. I'm so inconsiderate, aren't I? Look, do you want me to take you home? Do you need some rest?"

"I'm fine. I just need to be alone for a while."

"Right. I'll go. If you need anything, you know where to find me, right? God, I don't even know what's wrong with me today. I'm going. I'll hopefully see you in class?"

It's breaking me.

"Yeah."

"Good."

With that he stood up and left. When I hear his footsteps fade I finally look up from the ground. It was quiet again. It felt absurdly calm. The sky was a peaceful blue, the clouds like soft white cotton.

Tears burned my eyes, blurring my gaze, making it sting. Was this how rejection felt like? This suffocation? This sensation of claustrophobia within my internal organs? I feel myself compacted so tight that a knife would not be able to slice blood.

I forgot how long I stayed there, leaning against that wall behind me, looking at nothing and unable to think of anything. It almost felt as if the world stilled with me, mourning with me about my pathetic state. With semi-consciousness was I finally aware of a shape that did not belong in my calming landscape. A person clad in black with his arms crossed leaned against the adjacent wall looking on. I looked at him, cheeks stained with salty tears, facial muscles incapable of even the slightest twitch. I expected some sort of a scowl, an expression that spoke of a superior standing. But there was nothing of the sort. Sasuke looked at me with an equally stoic expression but his eyes betrayed something more. Something akin to understanding. But that could hardly be right, can it?

When I was finally able to will myself to say something, it came out choked but soft, "stupid, huh?" I put on an obvious forced smile and expected one of his self-conceited smirks. But his expression never changed, that hint of empathy never wavered and he removed his gaze from mine to look at the sky.

"They're only tears."

Turning his back, he walked away.