Disclaimer: Everything the light touches belongs to someone else. Someone that's not me. Except the story idea. That's mine. So is Abe. Seto Kaiba Superior Smirk of Supreme Smugness™ is © Seto Kaiba.
Warnings: Massive (humorous) character death, and random insanity! Also mentionings of foot fungi, and long rambly inner debates about food products. A bit of Tea bashing on Seto's part, as well as a nutty Yugi. And a pig.
A/N: This chapter is much longer, has less (but still some) death, and more of that wonderful random insanity we all love. D
Revieeeeeew!
Kaiba's
Interesting Day
Chapter
2: Pop Goes the Weevil
Seto Kaiba strolled down the sidewalk, whistling a merry tune. He was in quite a good mood, for in a short period of time both his rival Yami and that annoying mutt Joey had been killed. Okay...so maybe Joey wasn't quite as annoying as that friendship freak Tea (who unfortunately was still alive), but he was still pretty irritating. Kinda like that nasty foot fungus Seto had gotten that one time... Damn, had that itched. But now really wasn't the time for such thoughts. Now was breakfast time. Seto had had to skip breakfast earlier after the fiasco with the nitroglycerin. It's pretty hard to cook when your kitchen's a smoking crater.
So Seto decided to head to his favorite coffee shop/bakery/cafe-ish place that made the best doughnuts in town. Though he really felt more like a bagel that morning, and luckily they made those too. But then, wasn't a doughnut really just a sweet bagel? Or a bagel a non-sweet doughnut that sometimes people liked to eat with cream cheese? And speaking of cheese, Seto never had quite figured out why that one kind was called 'cottage cheese'. It didn't look like a cottage. Maybe it was made by people living in cottages. Also, why were doughnuts called 'doughnuts'? The dough part he understood, but not the nut. Doughnuts certainly didn't look or taste like nuts of any kind. And then there were doughnut holes, those little lumps of pastry cut out of the middle of the doughnut. In his opinion, Seto thought the hole left over in the doughnut should be called the doughnut hole, not the left-over bits. Those should be called doughnut hole fillers, or maybe doughnut-middles, or...
Seto's inner discussion of cheese and breakfast foods went on for quite some time, as he continued walking down the sidewalk, a vacant and quite un-Kaiba-like expression upon his face. And all that inner debating caused him to pay little attention to what was going on around him, which resulted in him running into yet another person. Said person glared up angrily at Seto through bangs that were for some reason a light lavender color instead of the rest of his hair's normal brown. Seto just looked back down at the person impassively, left eyebrow slightly raised.
"What are you doing lying on the sidewalk like that?" Seto asked curiously, not realizing at all that he himself had knocked the guy down.
"You ran into me, that's why!" the person - who happened to be dino duelist extraordinaire Rex Raptor - yelled.
"I did?" Seto asked, blinking. He didn't recall ever running into Rex, unless that had been that strange impact he had felt while trying to decide just what a doughnut hole really should be called.
"Yeah, you did! And now my cards are all scattered! It's gonna take forever to pick them all up!" Rex kept grumbling as he started collecting his Duel Monsters cards. Suddenly he toppled forward - and, consequentially, the few cards he had managed to get together fell to the concrete once more - as a little kid slammed into him from behind.
"Hey look, a guy with a funny hat!" the kid exclaimed, beckoning his friends over eagerly. "Let's poke him!"
"YEAH!" chorused the small group of kids, all dashing over and crowding around Rex, poking at him with their stubby little fingers.
"Hey! Get offa me you little brats!" Rex yelled, desperately trying to escape. This just made the kids start poking him harder, piling on top of Rex to prevent him from escaping. "Yaaaaaaaaagh!"
Seto watched this little spectacle in amusement, along with several other people who had stopped to see what all the commotion was all about. Finally poor Rex couldn't take it anymore, and with a final tormented wail he passed away from the sheer emotional trauma of it all. Their captive no longer making all those funny noises, the kids quickly lost interest, and wandered off to do something else. The onlookers gradually dispersed as well, and Seto made his way to the cafe. A garbage truck that had been emptying dumpsters stopped near Rex's body, and two men jumped out. They lifted Rex up, threw him into the back - which happened to also contain what was left of Joey's smushed corpse - and drove away.
Inside the cafe, Seto ordered a plain bagel and a cup of black coffee, and sat down at a table near a window. Taking a sip of coffee, he glanced around the cafe, and spotted Duke Devlin and Yami Bakura arguing at a nearby table.
"I'm telling you, they should be called 'little round paper bits'!" Duke was saying, waving a chocolate doughnut around as he spoke.
"That's not even a name, that's just what they are! I think they should be called 'pacles'." insisted Bakura.
"Why?" Duke asked incredulously.
"It's a combination of 'paper' and 'circle'. It makes sense, and it's an actual name, unlike yours." Bakura answered.
Seto stood up and walked over to their table, which was covered in countless tiny circles of white paper. "What in the world are you two arguing about?"
"We're trying to decide what to call these little circles of paper that are made by using a hole puncher," Duke replied. "But for some reason Bakura thinks his completely idiotic name is better than mine!" Then he grabbed a handful of said paper bits and tossed them at Bakura. The thief growled and threw some back at Duke, and soon an all-out paper war had begun! Seto rolled his eyes and walked back to his table.
"That's so childish..." he muttered as he finished his breakfast. More yelling and arguing could be heard from Duke and Bakura's table, which was now surrounded by a flurry of white paper. As Seto stood to leave, screams of pain were heard suddenly from within the paper cloud, which had begun to swirl around violently as if caught in a whirlwind. A few moments later, the screaming ceased and all the now-crimson-hued paper fell to the floor. Bakura emerged covered in splatters of blood, and as he passed Seto heard him say, "Hmph. That'll teach him to disagree with me..." as he went out the door. Seto glanced over at their table, and saw that Duke was now slumped over in his chair, motionless and covered in innumerable cuts from which he had apparently bled to death. Seto shook his head and walked outside.
Once outdoors, Seto had to close his eyes against the harsh sunlight for a moment. When he opened them he found himself staring directly into a pair of GIGANTIC violet eyes. Oh, the horror! Seto shuddered, backing away slightly. Those enormous eyes always disturbed him. But wait. Obviously the owner of the eyes was Yugi Mutou (who else has eyes large enough to be mistaken for twin moons?) but how in the world could Yugi be at eye level with Seto Kaiba (since he's as short as his eyes are freakishly huge)! Seto looked down and saw that Yugi was standing on something; a pig, to be exact.
"Yugi," he began, as the crazy-haired duelist continued to grin widely at him. "Why are you standing on a pig?"
"Because the chicken had a dentist appointment!" Yugi replied cheerfully, balancing on one foot as the pig sniffed at Seto's boots.
"What!" Seto exclaimed.
"He had a dentist appointment," Yugi repeated. "But since Abe here got back from Jupiter early, I got to stand on him instead! Isn't that great?"
"Yugi, you're not making any sense at all. ...and why is his name Abe?"
"Well, obviously because he's the reincarnation of Abraham Lincoln! Can't you tell from the hat?" Yugi gestured towards the pig's head where no hat was to be seen.
"There is no hat on that pig, Yugi."
"Socks make the beavers do backflips!" Yugi yelled suddenly, pulling a yo-yo out of his pocket and smacking himself in the head with it.
"...Okay, I'm just going to walk away and pretend this little meeting of ours never happened..." Seto muttered, turning away and starting down the sidewalk. He hadn't gotten very far when something slammed into him from behind, causing him to lose his balance and fall face-first into the street and right where a puddle of dirty water had happened to form. Spluttering and wiping dirt off of his face, Seto turned around to glare at what had hit him, which was of course Yugi.
"Yugi!" he shouted angrily. "WHAT is your PROBLEM!"
"Don't be mad, I just did it to save you from the brain-infesting corn chip aliens that were about to enter your head!" Yugi explained, latching onto Seto's chest and pulling his eyelids apart. "Gotta make sure I wasn't too late...!"
"Gah!" Seto grabbed Yugi by the top spike of hair and yanked him off of his body, dropping him onto the sidewalk. "Leave me alone!" And with that he took off running, gravity-defying trenchcoat flapping madly behind him. Yugi shrugged, licked a man walking nearby, and rode off into the sunset on Abe. Actually, it wasn't sunset. And actually, Abe rode him.
After running for a few blocks, Seto decided to go the Domino Park to relax. Thirsty from all that running, he decided to get a drink from a water fountain. When he finished, Seto glanced up and saw Weevil Underwood and Mako Tsunami at the other side of the park. Having nothing better to do, he decided to go see what they were doing. Perhaps he could challenge them to a 2-on-1 duel and humiliate them in front of everyone else at the park. That was always fun.
So Seto straightened his coat, put on the patented Seto Kaiba Superior Smirk of Supreme Smugness™, and marched off towards them.
As he neared the two, Seto noticed that they were doing something a bit...strange. Mako had a bicycle pump -- the end of which Weevil had in his mouth -- and was apparently trying to inflate the insect fanatic. Like something out of a cartoon, as Seto watched Weevil started growing larger and rounder. Mako pumped air into Weevil as fast as he could, and then...
Pop! went Weevil.
--
I don't know why this one became so long-winded... I did want to include more detail, but it just seems kinda weird compared to the simple first chapter. Ah well. -shrug- For later chapters, I'm not sure how I'd want it to be...guess I'll just see how they turn out.
And by the way, scraps or bits of paper such as those happen to be called "chad". I don't know why either.