I was supposed to be on a writing break till the New Year, but this had to be written. James Blunt is a very talented songwriter and inspired me to finish this. I think it's the end forI don't think I have enough in me to continue it further. I hope you enjoy my latest offering and please add a little note at the end, even if you didn't like it. It's the constructive criticism that assists in a FanFiction writer's future writing endeavours. I'm going to get off my little soapbox now.
Disclaimer: Dead Like Me and its characters are the creation of Bryan Fuller et al. and copy written under MGM/Showtime/etc. No infringement of their rights is intended. The stories written under the penname Gabigail, however, do belong to me. None are written for profit and are intended for entertainment purposes only.
I also extend the above philosophy to James Blunt's beautifully written song Cry from his 2004 album Back to Bedlam without hearing this song, I would never have been inspired to finish this piece.
Characters: Roxy/Rube and a scattering of Georgia, Daisy and Mason, and OC: Tessa
Genre: Hopeful romance.
Never a huge fan of drama, I've somehow managed to keep out of said situations, however, I must say that my current point of view contradicts my previous statement. It is right at this very moment that I find myself smack dab in the middle of a quasi-soap opera. Essentially that translates into my involuntarily being caught between two women, one of which I want more than anything to be with and who happens to be making that very difficult, Roxy; and the other, Tessa, with whom I had shared a little over ten years with many many moons ago. I can only surmise that she grew tired of me because she up and left without so much as word. It would seem with all of the drama consuming me, I seem to have forgotten one very important aspect to any relationship. Trust, which it occurs to me, was shattered the moment I got myself tangled in Tessa's web.
I'm still somewhat in a state of shock as Roxy's words continue to echo in my mind, "but you're not off the hook by any stretch of the imagination." There had been a hint of coyness, or mystery in her ever so slight smile as she turn to go. Kissed by the light of the fire, under the vast night sky with the moon and her diamond-like children, I know how I'm supposed to react, what's supposed to happen in this situation. In other words, I know the script, for I've only seen it in the movies over a thousand times before. I'm supposed to stop her from leaving by telling her how much I love and need her, which I do. In layman's terms, I should perform the great gesture. Reach out to her and pull her into my embrace. Hold her tightly and kiss her passionately in a manner that all of my thoughts and emotions would become clear to her. However, that's not exactly how things go. It ends more like this.
"Roxy please!" I recall saying and reaching out to her, but for some reason my gesture lacked any conviction, which I'm sure she sensed and obviously didn't help in the matter. In essence I am frozen in place, frozen in time and all I can do is watch as she walks away, her form taking on the persona of a shadow in the night as she's finally engulfed in the darkness, then seems to vanish. I had been unable to utter a sound, unable to utter a word, say something that would stop her in her tracks. Alas, my breath remained caught in the chilled night air. As though I am in a dream, I manage to shake my head; for once she's out of sight, my body seems to thaw, and finally a heavy, pain filled sigh manages to escape my trembling lips and cuts deeply into my soul. In the state I find myself in, I feel as though the wind has been violently knocked out of me, for my once solid knees seem to buckle turning into jelly, as if I'm in a movie, I sink down upon the log that serves as a seat in front of the fire pit.
Staring blankly into the fire, I watch as the flames dance amongst the wood they consume, the sparks created are like little fire fairies trying to escape the burning inferno, only to be extinguished in the nights chilled air. While my minds seems to wander, it suddenly occurs to me that the world ceases to exist on the level I once knew, that my level of awareness only seems to encompass the heaviness that I feel within my heart, and it's as though I am merely waiting for it to literally break. As quickly as my perspective changes I am aware of someone standing behind me. I don't really have the energy to look up and I continue to stare into the flames. Hearing them breathe and then the rustle of a winter jacket, they reach out and lay a comforting hand upon my slumped shoulder before stepping over the log and wordlessly sitting beside me, and wraps an arm around my shoulders.
It isn't long before I realise that it's Georgia, and while I know that her gesture is legitimate, I can sense that it's still very difficult for her to show emotion, even as she gingerly offers me comfort, I cannot help but wonder if the gesture is still slightly foreign to her. She's still learning, I think to myself how easy it had been for her to avoid certain situations in her eighteen years of life, which is rather similar to my own avoidance of certain situations, which is now returning to bite me in the ass.
"Rube, I know that this is going to sound incredibly silly, but things will and do have a way of ironing themselves out you know?" she says with a warm smile. Still unable to really speak, I merely nod my response. "Let me drive you home?" she adds as she stands and holds out her hands to help me to my feet, which I accept and we make our way through the dark woods to her car. Stopping the car in front of my building, she cuts the engine.
"Where are Daisy and Mason?" I ask, suddenly aware that they aren't with us. She takes a deep breath before answering. I can tell that she's not too impressed with something.
"They stayed at the party. I guess they were having a good time and forgot the real reason that we were there." She replies as I open the door.
"Thanks for the lift."
"No problem."
"Would you like to come up for a coffee or something?" I ask, thinking that she must be somewhat chilled, it is after all, a fairly cold night. She smiles, but shakes her head no.
"I have an early day tomorrow." She adds with a wink. I nod my understanding, thinking the same. "I'm not sure how things will be, but let the knots untangle themselves." I cannot help but smile as I think her words hold a great and odd wisdom for someone so young.
"You're right Georgia. I'll see you tomorrow." I close the door. She doesn't reply, only smiles and starts the engine before driving off.
She's right that things have a way of working out, but when they are messed up well beyond repair in any way, shape, or form, then what does one do? I wonder as I step off the lift, find my keys, and unlock the door. It's very strange, but there must be some fact in the hypothesis that things quite often go from bad to worse long before they can get better.
"Well, well, well. I never thought that you'd get here." The once angelic voice, now laced with a venomous twinge in my ears. "Thought perhaps you and Roxy patched things up and you were at her place." She adds.
"How did you get in here?" I ask in a demanding tone.
"How silly of you to forget Rube. I'm a girl of many talents." The ice in her tone softens and is almost as alluring as it once had been all those years ago.
"Tessa, what the hell are you doing here?" my tone is stern as is the look upon my face, which hopefully assists in stressing my disinterest in her visit. "I would hedge a bet that you're not in need of my help."
"No Rube, I don't, but I've realised something very important after I left."
"What prey tell might that be?"
"It's quite simple really. I need you." She replies. Oh no way! This isn't happening. I'm not hearing this I muse, as I am careful in keeping the distance between us.
"Really Tessa, I think you've done quite enough in the damage department." I add coldly. She knows exactly what I'm referring to, and not all of it having to do with Roxy and I, but seaming from a time long ago between her and I. She lowers her head, a gesture, which is usually that of shame, for any normal person, but with Tessa I know that's not the case at all. I cannot help but think that George's assessment of the situation had been more than correct. "You don't get to swoop in, screw everything up, leave and come back trying to put something long lost back together." I add, revealing the venom in my own tone. She looks up at me for the longest moment before closing the distance between us.
"Rube you can't seriously tell me that you didn't feel anything when I was staying here with you." She says in as even tone as she can manage. I did, but it wasn't what she wants or hopes me to have felt. I shake my head and hold out my hands to stop her from coming any closer.
"No Tessa, I didn't feel anything while I was helping you get rid of whatever his name was."
"Collin." She continues to walk towards me. Suddenly wanting her out of my flat, I allow her to believe she has the upper hand.
"Right! Collin." I repeat his name before reaching out towards her, taking her gently by the arm, and leading her towards the door.
"I felt it then and I feel it now. The electricity between us is undeniable." She says as she attempts to face me.
"And in what possible world, or parallel universe might that be?" I ask stopping to open the door and help her through it.
"Rube, please! You were always one for second chances." Her tone honestly takes on that of desperation, her eyes wide with disbelief and I see the onset of the tears she fighting.
"Well Tessa, I suppose it is possible that you wouldn't know this about me, but I've changed a lot since the day you walked out on me all those years ago." I don't know why I feel the need to explain anything to her, but as I do, she succeeds in turning in my grasp. "I've love ditched the bad habits." I say and look into her deep, dark brown eyes. I don't know what it was that possessed me, but something compels me to look into her eyes. Perhaps I'm searching for sincerity, but there is none to speak of. She looks down, obviously in an attempt to hide something. Popping her out the door and into the hallway, I follow suit and close the door quickly behind me. "What the hell did you say to Roxy?" I ask in a hushed tone.
"You know better than to ask me that."
"You're right I do know better. I know that I will most likely get a fabrication of events from you, but at the very least I'll have half the story."
"Let me guess. She ran to you with her side of the story and didn't leave out any of the details. Oh I get it, you want to know if she's being truthful. You were always such a stickler for truth and honour."
"God Tessa! What I do know is that whatever it is that you said to her, has since resulted in her never wishing to speak to me again. I suppose that that had been your intension all along." She smiles at me, confirming my conclusion, her crimson lips catch the light of the ill-lit hallway which makes her teeth sparkle like the fangs of a predator.
"Eliminate the competition so that when I made my move you would be more receptive, then yes, that sounds about right." She replies in a very even, very simple tone.
"You make me sick." I say under my breath, my tone is cold and unfeeling. "I have no idea what I ever saw in you. I never want to see you again." I add as I open my door and close it behind. With the hope of regaining my bearings, I lean against the door. It takes a while, but I finally take that deep breath, closing my eyes, I cannot help wishing that everything that has happened over the past few months hadn't, and that somehow things could have remained as they were prior to all of this. Absolute wishful thinking I know, but who hasn't thought of the possibility of what if I had done such and such? Or what can I do at this very moment that will fix everything?
I'm unsure of what I'm doing, seems that I'm functioning on the need to get some much-needed air, just walk. It's an oddly quiet evening tonight, almost as though the universe in is in tune with how I'm feeling, selfish I know. Nothing I have done seems to make any sense at this particular moment in time. Roxy knows that I'm a problem solver. I don't understand why she couldn't see why I helped Tessa. It wasn't as though I had ulterior motives, such as Tessa's, which George had brought to my attention. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I walk through the park, past lovers and strangers; others, like myself, in deep contemplation, probably thinking about solutions to their latest problems, who knows? Sitting myself on a vacant bench I look out. The view isn't the same as by daylight, but at least I have a place to clear my head.
Standing, I continue my journey. Nowhere in particular, yet it's strange how natural it is for me to stop at her door. Georgia has become a confidant whom I have been able to speak to freely about my latest predicament. I know she's young and very inexperienced on many levels, yet she seems to have a very interesting perspective as to the inner workings of how relationships function, which may be attributed to her keen sense of observation. That or her living with Daisy and Mason, I'm not exactly sure. But here I stand on her doorstep poised to ring the bell. I can tell that someone is home, lights are on in the house here and there, but she's so quiet and I hardly hear her footsteps as the door opens.
"Rube come on in." she says as she steps aside to let me in, takes my jacket as I remove my shoes. "What brings you to me door at this hour?" she asks, in an amused tone, but her expression is that of concern. I have to take a deep breath.
"I have a big problem."
"Tessa's back." I nod my reply and she sighs as we make our way to the kitchen. "Tea? Coffee? Water?" she prompts me.
"Tea sounds good." I reply. She rummages about preparing the hot beverages.
"Oh I have some pecan cookies too, if you'd like." She says sweetly as I nod my ascent. "So what did the witch want this time?"
"Remember how you warned me?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact I do. But you know I'd never say I told you so." She replies as she pours the hot water into two mugs and pops the tea bags in.
"You were right on more than one level." I begin. "It's just so like her to plop herself right in the middle of hurricane Roxy." I say, knowing that it's a bad analogy, but George nods her understanding.
"Did she give you any insight as to what happened, or what was said between her and Roxy?" she inquires setting the mug in front of me, and the plate of cookies on the table. I reach out and take a cookie, biting into it and almost savouring the rich flavour in thought. She smiles and covers my hand with hers. "Rube, it's okay. We'll find a way to fix this mess. Roxy just needs a little bit of time to process everything."
"But it feels like the more I put myself out, the more everything seems to hurt."
"Relationships are about that too." She looks down at the table for a brief moment as if reflecting upon personal experience.
I have seen peace, I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
…
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
It's funny how an understood silence can be a good thing. I push the chair out a bit and rest my elbows on my knees, letting my head fall into my hands. I can hear the sound of George's mug as she puts it on the table. I feel her warm hand on my shoulder and a gentle squeeze of comfort.
"Rube I'll always be around should you need my ear." She says. I catch a smile as I lift my head for a moment. Tears that I have been unable, or more to the point unwilling to shed, find their way down my cheeks and George becomes blurry. As difficult as it is for George to let her emotions show, it's the same for me. I suppose fighting the tears only makes them worse, don't forget that I grew up during a time when men were men and didn't show emotion, for it was a weakness. Somehow tonight, being here with George I awkwardly cry and just as awkwardly she tries to console me.
I have seen birth, I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder,
You're a friend.
"Don't forget that if you need anything, just give me a call. Okay?" she smiles as she hands me my jacket. I nod as I slip my arms into the sleeves and run the zipper up to my chin. Putting on my hat, one of those old days paperboy styled hats, only mine is actually from that time, I smile.
"Thanks again. You've helped more than you'll ever know." I reply and from somewhere out in left field George hugs me. I'm a bit thrown off by her gesture, but then again, things aren't as they once were. My group of reapers have really become something akin to a family, and George has given me a second chance, so to speak.
"Why don't you go to her? Maybe that's the grand gesture that she really needs. It's you and her, no Mason, Daisy or I. She has to at the very least let you in. Maybe you could explain things to her and I don't know, she might listen and understand."
"Listen? She hardly catered to that very concept." I say, more under my breath then aloud. "Besides, if for any reason she's seen Tessa lurking about first, I'm surly done for and anything that I may want her to hear will fall upon deaf ears. George I know you're a romantic at heart, but sometimes real life isn't like the movies and things don't always work out the way we want them to."
"Take a chance. You've done everything else." She tilts her head before surprising me, yet again, with a warm hug. "What else have you got to lose?" she adds with a wink. Once again, I cannot help but think that she's right.
"Thanks George." I say with a weak smile.
"No problem, just remember that I'm here. And really, so is Daisy and Mason, just on a different level. A very different level" She almost laughs at the thought of my confiding in either. Actually, I nearly laugh out loud at the thought. A shame really, because I'm sure if given the chance both mean well. George closes the door behind me and I take a quick look at my watch. I know that Roxy doesn't have a reap this evening, but that doesn't mean that she's home, she could very well be out for a night on the town. Pushing that particular thought out of my mind, I head in the direction of her apartment. It doesn't have to be tonight, I coax myself to keep walking. Even if I only get half way there, there's always tomorrow, I muse as I continue down a quiet street.
I cannot just arrive upon her doorstep empty-handed and lucky for me there is florists shop that's open late. I enter the small shop, a bell above the door signalling my arrival. I look around for a moment before stopping at the counter, as a young brunette emerges from the back room wiping her small hands on the green apron she wears that protects her ivory blouse and crepe deep berry skirt.
"Good evening, how may I help you?" she inquires stopping behind the counter. I look around for a moment. "May I guess?" she smiles and looks me over quickly. As she studies me, her lips curl. "A red rose won't do tonight. I think something more honest."
"Honest?"
"Most purchase flowers because they forgot something important and it's their way of apologising. While you are obviously apologising for something, the woman is very lucky and she knows that you didn't betray her. If I were to hedge a bet, I'd have to say that it had been a lack of trust." She adds. I'm sure my expression of initial curiosity; is replaced by that of wonder.
"How did you." I don't have the chance to finish my thought.
"My mother was always good at reading people." She tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear, but the offending strand seems to return to its place. "A single flower will do the trick. And I think a light pink rose will convey your message to whoever she is."
"A pink rose? I would never have thought of."
"Pink?" she smiles, "you must be very old fashioned. I'll be right back." She adds and disappears behind the deep emerald green curtain that separates the back room from the rest of the shop, and emerges holding a perfect bloom between slender, well-manicured hands.
"That looks perfect." I say with a slight smile and retrieve my wallet to pay.
"Thank you very much. Have a lovely evening." She smiles again and as I leave the door signals my departure.
I hurry up the drive as I see someone exiting the building, arms full of baggage that the taxi driver helps the boyfriend or husband put into the open trunk. After holding the security door open for the lady, I slip inside. Funny how quickly conviction melts as that emotional ball takes over and tightens itself within your chest, like a heart attack or something. I fight the emotional knot in my chest as I step into the open lift and press the button, following it with the close doors. I cannot help but feel even more anxious as the doors part and I step off the lift, making my way to her door it seems that another lifetime seems to flash before me as I drum up the courage to knock upon the door; the only thing that separates us. Just because she doesn't have an assignment, that doesn't mean that she's home. I drop my head and look down at my shoes, taking that one last deep breath, I then gently rap my knuckles upon the door and wait. I hear her no doubt delicate slipper covered feet as she makes her way to the door and opens it.
I cannot read her expression, whether it is that of shock or anger for my intrusion, but at the very least, she doesn't or cannot say a word; only appears to hold onto the doorframe for balance as she stares at me in disbelief. There is no way that I can ignore the fact that she's obviously been crying; for her beautiful mocha cheeks bear the tell tail saline marks that end upon her delicate chin. It pains me to see her enduring so much pain on account of my blindness, there is no way that I'm going to let her hurt any longer, nor is there any way that she's going to close the door in my face. I am quick in taking the first step that will close the distanced between us and take her in my arms. In that moment she knows exactly where I'm coming from, she has to be able to sense how I'm feeling. I sigh a sigh of relief as my simple gesture is reciprocated. It's strange how wonderful this moment is and how worthwhile as all my fears seem to disappear. "Something more honest" rings in my mind as I think about the time we've shared and realise how different it is when it's a relationship, not co-workers/friends/etcetera. Trust is a difficult thing to break and want to repair, but I will do whatever I can to repair that broken bridge, which I know may take a long time.
"This is for you, by the way." I say holding the pink bud between us. She smiles and takes it from me, brushing my fingers ever so gently with hers. That has to be a good sign? Doesn't it? I think with hope in my expression.
"Thank you." She replies and gestures for me to enter her flat. "We need to talk. I just wasn't ready to do it with the others present." She adds as I remove my jacket and shoes and Roxy goes into the kitchen in search of a thin vase. "Can I get you something?" she inquires as she fills the vase with water and removes the protective cellophane wrap, opens the small packet that had been tucked within and empties the contents into the vase, stirring with the end of a wooden spoon before placing the rose in the water.
"I'm good, thanks." I say and we move to the living room to discuss our present situation.
"All couples have a first this and first that. The first fight usually is the more difficult of the firsts." She explains looking down at her hands for a moment. I know that she's right, recalling the first time I ever had an argument with Lucy, I thought then that it was over, much as I do now with Roxy and I. I nod and sit back on the sofa.
You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.
"Roxy, I never wanted to hurt you. I love you." I feel as though I'm stammering slightly, as once again I'm finding that my emotions seem to be getting the better of me this evening.
"Rube I know. I just needed to gather the necessary information and process everything so that I knew for sure that what I had thought was correct. Tessa is Tessa, while her returning now has a pretty clear intent. I'm thinking that when she returned, yes, I saw her and gave her more than a little piece of my mind, she had thought that she could rekindle something long lost."
"I had spoken to George, who said that Tessa had been lurking around. I know that this might upset you, but since we're in full out honesty mode, Tessa broke into my flat."
"Oh really?" she says as she arches her eyebrow. "What did she want? I mean other than you?" she has a glimmer of mischief in her dark eyes.
"Apparently, I should have listened to George before and not allowed myself to get so tangled up in whatever Tessa's problem was. You know something, I'm not even sure if Collin really was the problem."
"From what she said to me. Collin was supposed to be dead and buried, but somehow that's not what exactly happened."
"So what did she say to you?" I ask nervously.
"She did tell me that I was lucky to have you; and that I should hang on to you for as long as I could. That was interesting. Until she added that you slept together while she was staying with you. Yes, it was in great detail as well."
"I didn't think that the two of you spoke long enough for her to tell you that much." I say. "I may as well put this out there. What makes you think that I would ever do that to you?" I say as I reach out and ever so gently caress her cheek. She doesn't shy away from my touch, thank goodness, for I don't think I could bear it. "It kills me to think that she said those things, but for you to believe them when I've always been sure that you knew me far better than that." I add, omitting how much her distrust in me hurts. She frowns and looks down at her hands for a moment.
"I know and you're right and all of that stuff. I should never have allowed myself to be lured into her lies."
"Which can get the better of us." I smile and she returns my smile almost shyly. I take a deep breath.
I have seen fear, I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder.
I'm a friend.
"So where does this leave us?" I ask with hope that things can return to a time prior to the Tessa situation.
"Is she gone?"
"I honestly don't know, but I promise you that there is nothing for you to be concerned with regarding us. If you'll have me that is." I hope I haven't put myself out there in vain, I hope that my bravery will result in the desired outcome.
"I will. I do however have a list of conditions." She adds with a bit of an interesting smile. "The first of which includes slowing things down. I found that being swept away can alter one's perception of reality."
"Agreed. I understand where you're coming from and we'll take things as slow as you need." I say, hoping that there aren't too many concessions. She can sense my thoughts and her smile widens.
"Please don't forget this one, which I think really is either a bit higher or at par with my previous request. That is that we need to trust. I know I'm the one in this situation that seemed to lack that very thing in you, but it's so important."
"Come on Rox! I know for a fact that you've been through some pretty rough times there. Of all people, I should know how significant trust is to you." I look down at my feet for a moment.
"And we're going to have to have that in order to rebuild our relationship." Her smile is warm and inviting. I nod with a smile of my own as she stands and holds out her hand, which I accept.
"I shall see you tomorrow?" I say.
"Same time, same place, same routine." She says smiling.
"Right." I say with a nod as we walk to the entryway.
"George put you up to this didn't she?"
"George? How?"
"Well, I don't mean to say that she made you swallow your pride. Because Lord knows you have a lot of that."
"No, she happened to say something that made me think and then the florist had also said something that bolstered that thought, and I finally figured something very important out."
"Which is?"
"I'm not prepared to share that thought as yet."
"Going to keep that a secret?"
"For as long as I can." I wink, putting on my shoes, Roxy hands me my jacket and kisses me gently on the cheek. I'm beginning to feel the darkness that I've carried with me for however long is finally beginning to dissipate as I begin to see the light at the end of the once eerily dark tunnel.