All I want for Christmas - Chapter Three
The knock on the door was insistent, and by the number of bangs to the minute whoever it was had very urgent personal business.
"All right. All right," she muttered scurrying as fast as she could with a baby in her arms. "Hold on to your hairpiece."
With only three days to go until Christmas the world as she knew it seemed to have gone mad. The queues in the Department Stores were excruciating and even a simple shopping expedition to buy diapers and some baby formula for Alan had turned into the survival of the fittest.
Luckily for "Santa Claus" this included the queue to see him. She swore if she saw that man even looking like he had five minutes to spare she'd be over there like a rocket demanding a very long minute of his time. She was still unhappy about how quiet Scott had been since the day he'd been to see Santa Claus and even though Jefferson kept telling her otherwise, she knew it had something to do with him.
However, if Scott was saying nothing, Virgil's enthusiasm was more than adequately making up for things. After months of grieving day and night for his mother, Virgil had literally come alive since the visit to see Santa Claus. He played the two Christmas carols he knew on the piano, drew rendition after rendition of Santa Claus, all with the poor man's pants on fire, and when he wasn't being creative, happily chatted to his little brothers about the fun they were going to have at Christmas.
Finally reaching the door, she looked around with dismay at the current state of things in the lounge room. He'd taken the eldest two out to help him with the Christmas tree and to appease John for being intentionally left behind, had allowed him the privilege of "unpacking" all the decorations.
She smiled at the little boy who was methodically removing the ornaments from the boxes and his helper "Hurricane Gordon" who was just as meticulously spreading them from one end of the lounge room to the other.
She grimaced.
She hoped whoever was on the other side of the door wasn't expecting any perfection.
Much to her relief the door opened to only reveal the mailman who stood on the porch like a frozen statue clutching a large well wrapped package.
"Mornin' ma'am," he shivered stiffly extending the electronic tablet in her direction. "I've got another package for Mr. Tracy. Do you mind signing here?"
Josephine Tracy smiled, juggled Alan on her hip and immediately obliged with the signature. Jeff had been getting lots of packages to do with the business since he'd been trying to run things from home.
"Sure is cold today, " she commented handing him back the tablet
The mailman glanced behind him at the bleak Winter's day.
"You got that right ma'am," he agreed. "I swear the temperature's dropped another ten degrees since I made my rounds yesterday. Can't even feel my feet anymore."
"Me either," she admitted looking downwards at her slippered feet. "And unlike you I haven't even left the house."
She closed the door with the package tucked awkwardly under her arm. Much to her dismay she noticed Alan was shivering too. Her determination grew. No matter what excuse he was able muster up this time, when he came through that door with the Christmas tree he was going to informed he was about to light the fire. She understood they had other heating and she understood the fire wasn't necessary but she also understood it was absolutely freezing right now and if there was a fire available to be lit, he should be going full steam ahead to light it. If nothing else he had to consider his children.
Resigned to what she knew would end in an argument for sure, she went to lock the package in his study; the small cluttered room at the end of the hallway which doubled these days as his office.
"Oh well", she thought, placing the package on the desk, "the issue had to come to a head eventually."
As she turned to relock the door, the origin of the package somehow managed to catch her eye. Hardly able to believe it, she quickly did a double take, examined the writing carefully and as her blood pressure soared to the point of utter explosion; tried her best not to feel angry.
They hadn't even given him the courtesy of a call since the day they walked away from him at the cemetery. No calls to check how he was coping with the children, no calls to ask if he needed help. He'd told her to forget about it; he guessed they had to blame someone for what had happened to their daughter. She'd told him that was all very well for him to take the higher ground. It didn't make what they were doing to him right. She'd never been a judgmental person, it simply wasn't part of her make up, but she swore if she ever got the opportunity she would be telling them exactly what she thought of the way they had treated her son. There wasn't a day he didn't struggle and she couldn't forgive them for that.
As she closed the door to the study, she smiled sadly at baby Alan and decided against insisting he do anything with the fire. The arrival of the package would push enough of his buttons without her pushing his other more intimate ones too.
O-O-O
Two big brown eyes sparkled with joy above a bright red button nose.
"Isn't this tree the best in the world Grandma?" he breathed in exaltation, forgetting how cold he'd been in the sourcing. "Daddy said "what the hell" to the man when he asked which one we wanted, and then he let us get the biggest one!"
"Virgil, you weren't supposed to tell Grandma I said that!" Jeff Tracy grumbled hauling the pine tree through the door. "What are you trying to do? Get me into trouble or something?"
She chose to ignore the her second Grandson's words.
"Trouble!" she exclaimed instead, casting an eye towards a mischievous Gordon, "Mark my words Jeff, there'll be more than trouble around here if we don't find somewhere safe to put it."
Virgil's eyes grew wider.
"We can put it over there Grandma," he indicated, pointing at the large vacant space near the piano. "That's where Daddy put it last year!"
"Are you sure it was there?" she frowned. "I thought Daddy put it over near the fire."
Virgil shook his head.
"No he didn't. I 'member good. Daddy put it over there."
He stopped and immediately corrected himself.
"Sorry Grandma ...Reeeee...member."
"I don't care where the heck we put it just as long as I can put it down somewhere., Jeff Tracy moaned from underneath the branches. "Can you please make up your mind Mom? This thing's heavy."
"All right put it over near the piano then," she instructed, "and hurry up about it too dear before you go and give yourself a hernia."
"What do you mean before?" he huffed, heading towards the piano.
"Daddy," said the solemn little voice.
Jeff Tracy moaned again and dropped the tree to the floor in aggravation.
"What now, Scott?"
Scott's dark blue eyes lifted warily to his.
"Daddy, maybe it would be a better if we put the tree near the door this year."
Virgil's lip dropped immediately.
"Nooooo!" he protested."If Daddy doesn't put it near the piano we can't sit underneath it and sing our songs."
Instantly the atmosphere in the lounge room plummeted to almost match the temperature.
Jeff Tracy's lips tightened at the image he'd rather not remember…perched on the edge of her piano stool, arm affectionately draped around her shoulders, winking at three giggling little boys and one grinning baby... trying to master the words of her infamous English carols...
"I think we'll still put it near the piano," he finally said struggling to hold himself together. "It might be a little too draughty by the door."
He moved the tree into place without another word.
"It looks lovely there dear," she complimented him hesitantly.
"Yes Mom," he agreed, still grappling to hide his emotions. "I think it does too."
The tree decorating began soon after in an atmosphere of sadness. They were all affected by their loss and trying hard not to show it. Fortunately for once, Gordon's mischief was a welcome diversion. As fast as the ornaments were being put on one side of the tree, Gordon was busying himself with the task of removing them and carrying them around to the other.
"I can't believe how many silver bells are in that box." Jeff Tracy commented in amazement.
"No Daddy …there was only one."
He looked down at John who had unpacked the ornaments earlier.
"Only One?" he exclaimed, hardly able to believe it. "No way little guy. I know for a fact I've put at least twenty five on this tree."
A search of the tree by everyone failed to locate the evidence.
"I did," he mumbled, peering into the branches for the tenth time and shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm absolutely sure I did."
Virgil giggled.
"You did Daddy but I think they were the same one."
He frowned and cast a glance at his candid second son. "What do you mean?"
Virgil giggled again and pointed at a busy Gordon.
"Oh dear," she laughed watching him redden right to the roots of his hair.
With that Scott and John began to giggle too.
In the end he surrendered to a real and deep seated need to be happy again and forget about the worries he had in his life for a while. It started as a chuckle but after a few moments it grew to a laugh before he proceeded to chase the little red haired offender around the Christmas tree and grab him from behind.
Her eyes glanced heavenward and said a silent thanks for the first sound of genuine happiness she'd heard in the house in over nine months.
She couldn't bring his Lucy back.
She couldn't take away his pain.
But she could try to help her son get through Christmas and to enjoy his little boys again.
O-O-O
If ever she needed a miracle to happen, she sure as hell needed it to happen now. The child hadn't stopped crying for over two hours and for the first time in her life she didn't know what to do.
He'd been quiet again all through supper.
He'd put himself to bed early.
He'd even let her take his temperature three times without as much as a whimper.
But when she began to search his room for the elusive missing Christmas Star, he dissolved into tears completely and finally told her what was wrong.
The star which adorned the top of the Tracy family Christmas tree was something very special. It had come to them from England as a gift from Lucille's grandmother.
It was the last thing placed at the top of the Christmas tree.
His mother had always said it was a sign they were a family and a sign that no matter what came their way each year, they would always be together. His father had noticed it was missing once they'd finished with the decorating of the tree.
As usual all heads turned to Gordon but a quick search of the lounge soon revealed he hadn't been involved.
All eyes now looked to John. He had such a special devotion to the evening star he was immediately suspected for the star's disappearance.
John had cried at the inference.
"I didn't take Mommy's special star. I didn't. It wasn't in the box."
The tears had come from the bottom of his heart.
An apology was given to John and a search immediately launched to find the missing star.
Three hours later and every inch of the house overturned, there was still no sign of it to be had.
"Please don't cry kids," Jeff Tracy pleaded with his three devastated little boys. "I promise I'll go to the store tomorrow and try to find one exactly the same."
It had bothered her immensely that something so precious to Lucille's past could have possibly gone missing in the house. It had to be somewhere and she was determined to find it no matter what. But her independent search had inadvertently stumbled on the most private and personal memory her eldest grandson possessed of his mother.
He was facing the wall with his head crumpled into his pillow when she stole quietly into his room. She didn't think he'd have it but she had to assure herself she'd covered the possibility. As she sifted through his neat dresser drawers and carefully checked the back of his closet he turned around to look at her. He'd been crying.
"It's all I want for Christmas," he sobbed in her arms.
She'd thought he was crying because he wanted to have his mother back and tried her best as always to give what little comfort she could. Even though it was all he wanted, she said, no-one, not even someone who could work miracles, could give him something that God was saying was impossible.
"I know she can't come back," he heaved desolately into her shoulder. "But only Mommy knows where the star is ..."
With that it all tumbled out of him ... a ritual and a special bond of love only he had been allowed to share with his mother.
Each year, seven days before Christmas, she left a special note telling him where she had hidden the star that would adorn the top of their Christmas tree. The note was always placed lovingly underneath his pillow. It was never easy for him to guess because the note always contained a puzzle.
The clues of the puzzle were well thought out and they got harder and harder every year. Sometimes she had to help him but irrespective he was eventually rewarded with the honour of retaining her beautiful silver ornament until Christmas Eve when Daddy was asked to place it on the top of the Christmas tree.
"I look under my pillow every night Grandma., he hiccupped. "But there isn't any note ..."
He began to cry again.
"I guess she can't write me notes from heaven even though I want her to."
The words "I know baby" somehow paled into insignificance as she searched the depths of her soul for something else to say to those tragic little words.
"It's all I want for Christmas Grandma." he sobbed to her again. "Nothing else."
"Mommy's star means that it's Christmas and she's still here with us... and I know that Santa Claus can't bring it to me."