Summary: Lorelai gives Luke her diary. He has to understand who she is, and how she becomes. Maybe they will be able to make up. (They're not together; never been. Doesn't set in a particular season)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and you all know it, so I don't have to spill more words about this subject.
Thanks to my Laura who corrected my story, so you can read it without to many stupid faults!
Author's Note: And there it is: chapter 4. Thanks to everybody for the reviews, and well, I know my grammar is very, very bad. The point is: I can't do anything except to send it to a beta, which I did. I hope the most of you can read threw it and just enjoy the story-line. But if anyone feels very bored and want to correct the whole story, please do! Then I'll just repost my story.
By the way, I don't reallylike my story right now, so I don't now when I'm gonna update. Anyone some good ideas for my story? Oh one thing: Chris is mean this chapter, but he'll come around.
Chapter 4
March 16, 1983
I feel like life's ending today. Yesterday: everything was fine. Except the nauseous feeling but I thought it was food-poisoning or something. But today, when I'd tried my dress on (a big doll dress, white lace for my coming out party) and the zipper got stuck. First I thought it was just the newness, but the fact was that the dress didn't fit anymore. Then, when I thought about it, I realised I'm two weeks late and now I don't know what to do! I haven't seen Chris since he went to Europe with his parents, a couple of weeks ago. Right after my major-freak-out the last time I wrote he came by to say he was going to Europe the next day 'cause his dad's best friend's brother died or something, and apparently they couldn't go without him. Anyway, they decided to visit more countries and I haven't spoken to him since then. He's lucky though: he don't have to go to school. But I miss him and I really need to talk to him dammit! Emily and Richard are sooo gonna freak out! That's not the awful part. The awful part is that I can't be a mom! I'm fifteen, and in a month I'll be sixteen. And then? I'll ruin my own life, my child's life, Christopher's life. Not exactly looking forward to it!
I'll just buy a pregnancy test. Maybe it's not true, it's just a funny coincidence that I'm getting fat but not gaining weight, that I'm late, and that I'm craving apples. Well, the apple-craving mystery is solved if I'm pregnant, so I don't have to claim myself crazy.
I'm going to the shop today.
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I couldn't do it. I walked in the story, looked at the shelve where the tests were and walked away. What if someone would have seen me? My parents would know immediately. And what if I did take the test and the result would be positive? Or negative?
Now I'm really confused. Of course I don't wanna have a baby; I'm 15 for god's sake! But somewhere… we can grow up together, be best friends. Great, now I'm thinking it should be a girl. What 'it'? I'm not even sure IF I'm pregnant! Yeah of course, I'm pregnant. Every sign is there. But maybe It's a pseudo pregnancy! What if? Then I won't have a baby. Everything would be normal. NO! Nothing is ever gonna be normal! What am I doing here, I wanna have more then this life. I want a real life, with real friends. And I want to work for my money, not just be married and sit home day by day, gossip about who knows who, and to fill my evenings with three lovers around.
I have to sleep.
How long until she'll make a pro-con list? It's like she's ripped in two. She doesn't want to be a mother, duh, but on the other side: she already loves the baby. I can see the teardrops on the paper, she really needed to talk to someone back then. If she only had my parents as hers, she could talk to them. And they would've loved her, that's for sure. Perseverance and independence: the two qualities my father loved the most in people. And my mother loved the smart and funny ones. Lorelai was all that. They would've respected her.
March, 1983
I'm pregnant. The strip turned pink and that's my destiny. How am I going to tell Chris about this? He's coming back this week, and he has the right to know. I really have no idea how I'm going to resolve this, but I know one thing: my baby isn't going to grow up here. I'll take her (or him, but it's going to be her. I call it 'female intuition') to a small place with friendly people who will love her.
First thing that I must do tomorrow is going to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy, 'cause that is about what they do in movies when they think they're pregnant: they ask the doctor to confirm it. I just hope they don't use long needles, those ones are scary.
Seven days to think about what I'm gonna say to Christopher…
Well I must say: she has a great female intuition. And no one could love Rory more than the residents of Stars Hollow, so she picked the right place. I wonder how Christopher is gonna take the news…
March 20, 1983
The doctor confirmed it, I'm pregnant. Shock shock, surprise surprise. Five days until Chris is coming back.
March 25, 1983
In my head I've already written three different goodbye-letters. Chris is back. Chris has another girlfriend. An hour ago I went to his house, 'cause I saw the lights on. I climbed in a tree (just like always) and when I looked in the window, I saw Chris, in his bedroom, on top of a blonde Barbie. So I turned around and went home. I don't think Chris saw me.
Suicide looks like the best way to end my problems, who would miss me? Well, maybe my parents, but if they know that I'm pregnant, they'll see the good points in it. And Chris wouldn't feel guilty about cheating. AND I don't have the chance to ruin my child's life.
I can do this! I'm Lorelai Gilmore for god's sake! I can do it without… him… Or without anybody. I'll give the child a good life, a happy life, even without money. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. Maybe.
Jerk! If you have someone like Lorelai, you don't cheat. I wouldn't. Has she ever forgiven him? Does Rory know? This probably had a big effect on her self-confidence? This is just so not-Lorelai. Talking about suicide! She can always handle everything. Maybe this was just a phase, but still: has she changed? If she hadn't had Rory and something horrible happened, would she still be so… scared? I don't know if that's a good description.
April 19, 1983
Everybody notices a change in me. They all ask me why I'm talking so much more now, and why I'm so sarcastic. "I don't know", every time my answer is: "I don't know". Of course I know: if I'm quiet people will start asking questions, like why I'm fatter or why I look so tired. Or why I'm drinking so much coffee. I can't tell them that without coffee I'll die, or just fall asleep. I'm sooo tired, I haven't slept more than a hour a night for weeks. And I know: coffee is bad for the baby, but I figured that it's bad for the baby when I die too.
It's now 23 days ago that I broke up with Christopher. He still doesn't know about the baby, and I see him daily making out in front of his locker, every week a new girl. I just want to kill him. How am I going to tell my child that her father (or his, it's still not official which sex the baby has) is the worlds greatest jackass? And I want to know who her father is. And I just want to sleep! I can't do this: I'm the world's largest failure. My grades are… bad. And I don't have contact with my parents accept when we fight. And I lost a lot of weight, but I can see my stomach growing everyday.
Tomorrow I'll skip school and take a sleeping pill, 'cause this isn't gonna work.
Coffee was her remedy? Well, she did survive, so it worked. Still: it's a wonder that Rory is so healthy. You'll have a bad base if your mother hasn't slept or ate in her first moths of pregnancy and she drank a lot of coffee
And wow: she started to talk a lot because she wanted to hide her – well – personal situation. Is that still why she talk so much, or is it just normal for her now? I must ask her that someday.