Title: The Last
Author: Hepzheba
Rating: T/PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. If I did Sirius would still be alive and happily married to Remus.
Summary: After Sirius' death Remus has been writing letters to his friend. This is the last. Angst and slash.
A/N: Wanna make my day? Review!
Dear Sirius,
It's been ten years since you left me. I know you won't come back, you can't. Even though I know you're gone I sometimes think you will come back. I've dreamed of your return so many times and it hurts even more than the fact that you're gone. So many times have I woken up, thinking that you're still alive. But then the truth hit me hard and painfully. It's almost as if it's laughing at me because I actually thought you were back.
One part of me, the dreamer, still believes that you will come back. You did come back once. You were gone for almost thirteen years and then you came back to me, telling me the truth. But this time you won't, I know that, but still I wake up believing you're alive. Sometimes I'm not even asleep; I can see you and hear you even though I'm awake. Like a ghost from times that once were. I can sometimes hear your laughter, sometimes you call my name, just as you used to do in the old times. But I know it's only my imagination.
Once I really thought you had come back. I came home after a hard day at work. I was tired and went straight to the bedroom. And there you were, standing by the window. You turned around as I stepped into the room. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many things I had dreamed of saying to you if you would come back, but not a single word came from my mouth. You smiled a little, just as you used to. Your black hair hung down in your grey, sparkling eyes. I wanted to run to you and embrace you, but I just stood there.
"I love you" you said.
Those simple words meant the world to me. I had been longing for those words for so long and now they were finally spoken. I blinked away the tears and when I finally could see clear, you were gone.
I couldn't sleep at all that night. The words you had said… I know that you loved me as a friend, but were there more feelings inside you? I wished so much that you loved me the same way I loved you. Something in the way you spoke those words made me think that maybe you loved me in the same way. But you weren't real that time, so it could've just been my imagination that wanted you to come and say those words.
This is my last letter to you. I know I have written that many times, but this is really my last letter. If anyone knew that I wrote letters to you, even though you're dead, they would think I'm insane. Am I? I don't know. I just know that I can't live with this pain anymore. Please, don't call me selfish. I tried the best I could to stay strong; I haven't shown any of my feelings. But now I cannot take this anymore. The grief is eating me from the inside. And I see you more often. I think it's a token that I shall leave. And I will. Silently, with your knife with a blade of silver.
Well, this is the last I'm writing to you. I don't know what will happen next. Maybe you will come and get me and take me to a place where we will meet James and Lily. I hope so and that will be my thought when I cut myself.
I love you, Sirius, and I have always loved you. Since the day we first met and through the long time when we were apart. Even though I thought you were a murderer I loved you. I always have and always will. And next time we met I will tell you everything.
Goodbye