Growing Pains
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Disclaimer: Cardcaptor Sakura is copyrighted to CLAMP.
Summary: AU. Growing up has always been a painful process. What Sakura didn't know was how much pain it would bring her. As she goes through the stages in her life, her eyes are opened to the world of betrayal, hurt and shame.
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Prologue
I sat here thinking about how much I hated this world.
I sat here thinking about how much I hated them.
But most of all I sat here thinking about how I had messed up, screwed my life over until I was left with long tiresome days of mourning and wondering when I would be able to live again, to be happy again.
The pure frustration and anger was seeping through my veins, ready to lash out and burst. But at the same time I felt hurt, ashamed, bruised. My head was spinning, I was losing control, losing grip of all my senses. My thinking distorted, my movements trembling, my voice... my words were nonexistent.
Clenching my fists tightly, a few tears fell from my hollow emerald eyes, staining my pale cheeks.
This was my life.
And everything wrong, was my fault.
And all I could do was sit here thinking about how much I hated this world.
Thinking about how much I hated them.
Chapter 1 - A Walk in My Shoes
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
This morning as I woke up, I felt particularily irratated as I stared at my flashing alarm clock. I glared forcefully at the annoying device before slamming on the snooze button and falling back onto my bed, sighing. I rarely ever got enough sleep at nights. I'd lay in bed at night staring at the ceiling, counting sheep, trying every possible way to get away from reality. But nothing ever seemed to work.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
The alarm continued to blast that annoying beeping sound at me.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
I let out a frustrated groan and sat up from my bed. Reaching for the pest, I quickly shut it off. Opening my drawer, I threw the clock inside. There would be no use trying to fall asleep now. I was already awake, and it was time to face another painstakingly boring day at my Catholic high school. Quickly changing into my uniform, I rushed into the washroom.
I looked like a ghoul.
And it was disgusting.
Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't help but shudder at my appearence. Dark circles under the eyes, tangled hair, pale complexion. It looked as if I had gone to hell and back. This was how I woke up every morning, but the horrifying appearance never seized to astonish me.
Quickly after brushing my teeth, combing out my hair, washing my face, I headed downstairs. Stopping in mid step on the last stair, I noticed something unfarmilliar out of the corner of my eye. Retracing my steps, walking back up the stairs, I quickly glanced at my surroundings. Finding nothing peculiar, I shrugged off the thought and went into the kitchen for breakfast.
Opening a cupboard, I reached in and took out a ceramic bowl. I hastily grabbed a box of cereal and dumped a fraction of it's contents into the bowl. Heading over to the other side of the kitchen, I began rummaging inside the refrigerater for the jug of milk. After turning the whole fridge upside down, realization dawned on me. There was no milk left. My eye twitched in annoyance as I began pouring my cereal back into the box.
"Great. No breakfast. This is just a wonderful way to start the day!" I muttered sarcastically to myself.
Leaving the bowl on the counter, I grabbed my blue messenger bag and hastily slipped into my school shoes.
"Okay, bye!" I yelled, directing my voice to the inhabitants upstairs. After standing there for a few more hesitant moments, I closed the door behind me and headed for the bus stop.
I always had mornings to myself. My older sibling Touya would always wake up much earlier than me and already be at school. My mother and father were always exhausted and grumpy, and were never awake unless they had to go to work. Which left me pretty lonely at times having no one to talk to.
Dragging my feet across the sidewalk, I slowly made my way to the bus stop.
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"Hey." I murmured unenthusiastically to my usual group of friends who were sitting in the shade of a tall tree. I didn't have many friends, I was very timid and shy, and I rarely ever raised my voice. They nodded their heads in recognition before resuming with their usual chatter.
I never included myself into the conversation. I was never interested in what they were saying. And it's not as if my supposed "friends" attempted to include me anyways. It was strange growing up, being surrounded by so many people yet still feeling very isolated at the same time. I was reserved to myself, silent almost all the time. I never had the courage to speak up, or to contribute my share into the conversation. Quietly, my eyes began to wander as my present situation was leaving me quite bored.
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I was headed to my homeroom, which was on the third floor. I glanced at the usual crowds of people still lingering around, socializing with their friends. I brushed it off and entered my homeroom, walking towards my assigned seat. As usual, I was the first to arrive, not that it mattered anyways. I hadn't made any friends in this class.
Slowly as people shuffled into the classroom, I had already laid my books out onto my desk and rested my head on my arms. I was just as much exhausted as I looked.
It's not as if I didn't make an effort to make new friends, be around new people. In fact I really did, I really tried. I would go up to people and make small talk, but I usually never ended up talking to them ever again. I hadn't made any new friends in high school, the only ones I still had were the ones from elementary school, and they too were drifting apart from me. I couldn't ask them to always be around me, that would be an impossible burden to them. Going to school was hard on me. I was such a pathetic loner.
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Afterschool, I sat on the bus listening to my friend Tomoyo talk to my other friend Chiharu. Tomoyo had met Chiharu after they were introduced to each other shortly before high school began. Tomoyo and Chiharu grew inseperable. They did everything together, they would go to the mall together, go to the movies together, go everywhere in the world. They were often found laughing and talking animately while I sat there listening.
Tomoyo used to be my best friend. We used to joke around alot, maybe even more than she does with Chiharu now. But then Tomoyo began ignoring me, replacing me with Chiharu. I used to try so hard to include myself into the conversation, but with Chiharu around, it was nearly impossible. The only times I really did get to talk to Tomoyo was when Chiharu was absent. When she was absent, Tomoyo would come back to me, be my friend, act as if nothing was wrong. But then the next day I would be ignored and shunned.
Tomoyo and Chiharu were both emo-wannabes. They praised rock music, wrote depressing poems together and talked shit about how they're family were such dumbasses. Then they would tell each other how depressed and sad they would feel, and whatever else other people like them talked about. But I knew better. Tomoyo and Chiharu, they were both just posers. They knew nothing about depression, yet they still held onto the thread and thought it was cool if you did all that crap. What a bunch of losers. Tomoyo and Chiharu were both always the center of attention, they had a shitload of friends, great parents, everything that you could wish for. Yet they still insisted that they were fighting for their lives with their "depression." They thought pretending to be depressed and dark was cool. I just thought they were plain stupid.
It bothered me so much. How they would talk about how everyone calls them "emo." Usually when I pointed out that I never call them emo they just shrug off my comment and continue talking. I hated Tomoyo for ditching me in high school, thinking she's depressed and only notice me in the absence of her new best friend. But I liked Tomoyo for who she was, an understanding kind person. I hated her, yet I couldn't leave her. Even if she never noticed me, the reassurance that maybe, just maybe we might one day be good friends again, was enough to keep me from wringing her neck everytime she had the emo bitch talk. But that wasn't the only reason I hated her.
"Hey Tomoyo, can I borrow your English notes? I didn't have time to finish mine." a voice called over to Tomoyo. Tomoyo turned her head from where she was sitting on the bus and stared into the amber eyes of Syaoran Li. Tomoyo smiled, reached into her bag and handed Syaoran a small notebook.
As soon as I had heard Syaoran's call, I had immediately averted my eyes and looked the other way. In 8th grade I had had the hugest crush on Syaoran. But once he figured it out, he began avoiding me and ignoring me. Tomoyo and him talked almost as much as her and Chiharu. It pained me to see my best friend talking to him, and about him so much, when I would never be able to even say more than two words to him. But Tomoyo didn't know about my huge crush on Syaoran, so she continued to go after him every day.
Funny, isn't it? The person who hurt me most was my best friend.
'At least I'm on my way home.' I thought, sighing inwardly. Staring out the window of the bus, I watched the omnious clouds float around the sky.
Rain drops are falling from the sky.
Rain drops are falling from the sky.
But tear drops are falling from my eyes.
Falling from my eyes.
And now you know my situation. Now you know the mess I've gotten myself into. But worse days were yet to come. This was only the beginning.