That night, that night that will forever be carved in on your memory, happened three weeks ago tonight, three weeks to the day before your Hogwarts graduation ball.
You still don't know why he said what he said, but you have a few good guesses. You had already passed all of your N.E.W.T.S., so you had nothing to occupy your time besides thoughts of what might have caused…
But you could not think of it as real. Not for the reasons that he gave you, no, there had to be something else that made him turn you away. So all those free hours were spent in the pursuit of discovering his reasons for leaving… and in three weeks you where able to find many, many reasons for which he would have shunned you…
One hundred and three to be exact.
Everything has crossed your mind; everything from the age difference, to social status, to simply the fact that, now that you wont be a student anymore, he doesn't think that withought the risk you would be interesting enough.
But you do not know the real reason. All you know is that what he said has a reason besides what he told you.
And you know; he will never surrender that information to you.
And so, after venting, feeling your heart bleeding inside, and crying out the pain at night, you began looking around yourself.
You needed to try and get over him, to try and reconnect with the friends whom you have neglected for so long, for too long.
And so you did. At first they where a bit surprised by your sudden lack of interest in a certain 'extra credit project' that had been taking up your time most of the year, but they came around eventually.
Ron of course, was no different; he was easy to talk to. Although he could be silly and foolish at times, he gave you a feeling of ease, someplace safe where your world of inner torment did not exist. He was to you like the brother you never had, but always wanted; silly, funny, brave, who would protect you when you needed him, whether you said anything or not.
But he was not him.
Harry, he was more attentive, and seemed to realize that something greater had changed; but he did not chose to ask anything, or dig any deeper. Even if he had, what would he have found? What would he have believed? The truth is stranger than fiction.
When you spoke to each other, you would listen, perhaps joke, but your heart wasn't in it. Your face felt tight, always tight after the long hours of tears that where fleeing into your pillow each evening.
For the last half year, you knew that Ginny had been avoiding you, but you could not know why.
Finally, in desperation for female companionship, you spoke to her.
With just a few words, she spilled her heart to you.
It seems that Harry has had his eyes on you for a time, at least according to Ginny Weasly.
Of course, you did not believe it. You and Harry! What would even make her think such a thing? Never in a million years would that match happen.
You loved him of course, but he was nothing more than a friend to you. If you even looked at him that way, you would have to stifle a cry, knowing he was nothing like him. The pain of the comparison hurt so, and still the others barely saw it.
So you began watching. After a while, you began to see the signs, ones that had been going on for months now, things you couldn't see, with your mind –
Your mind being elsewhere.
You knew. Seeing Harry, seeing him as something else, knowing that that is not what you wanted, decided it all for you.
You would have to tell him. Harry deserved someone who would love him, who could love him. Not only as a friend, but also as a man, as a life-partner, as a soul mate.
You could never be that person for him.
This thought should frighten you. But it doesn't. Really, all it does is settle a matter your mind was already dealing with; the thought that, someone like him would not be enough. You loved him, not just his traits, his personality, but who he was. This person - this man - he was someone that would have no double, for no one but him had lead his life.
A horrible life. An, at times, evil life.
But you could see now, how none of those things mattered. Times change; people change with it. The war… it was over, all was at peace, Voldemort was now only a distant nightmare of the past, half forgotten.
At least, it was as peaceful as the magical community had ever been.
Tonight. Tomorrow, you would be leaving. You might not see him and even if you did, by then your courage, your 'gryphendor courage' as he called it, might have failed you. No, you could not wait. If you did…
Then it truly would be to late.
You must do something; you must tell him, he must know. How much me meant to you, what he still means to you.
You take a deep breath, a cleansing breath. You dare not lose it now. You need to remember. You need to remember what you need him to know, what he needs to understand…
How you will never forget him.
How you don't ever want to forget him.
How you wish he…
How you wish he might still love you. The way that you love him.
'I love him. I love him. I love him.'
You say to the water, running down your shower walls.
Perhaps it is to remind yourself of why you're doing this, why your risking humiliation, how you are taking the chance of his cold words all over again; perhaps, although it is not as though it where something you would be likely to forget, you think to yourself with a smile.
The water is warm, and fills you with new energy as it flows swiftly down your back.
The steam revitalizes you; you breathe in. The soft, whispery scents of peaches and spice comfort you.
You know what you must do. You have carefully manipulated all of the pieces, have found that all is in place; all is to your liking for the moment that must come.
Oh, and it will come.
'I love him.'
Thanks for the Reviews! I greatly appreaciate it!
The reason I have a distinct distaste for Charlotte, NC, is because I live there. I was born in europe, and can still see the startling differences between the old cities filled with art and 'the capital of NASCAR country', as Charlotte is striving to become.
But hey, if this is your home, and you like it, be happy!
All I am saying is that it will never be mine.