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Chapter Five –Flying Pigs & Sleepless Nights
"Lie down." Scott said firmly as he pulled the quilted covers back to enable his youngest brother to do exactly that.
"I'm okay Scott, I'm not really tired." The protest came as anticipated, but the fear held in the young man's eyes at the prospect of sleep was a little more surprising.
"Come on Al." Scott smiled, gesturing to the bed. "You must be exhausted. I know I am." He watched Alan carefully, reading every small gesture.
Alan swallowed and sat down on the edge of the bed. He seemed to hesitate before slipping between the sheets almost nervously. "That's it." Scott encouraged as he pulled the covers up around his brother and perched on the bed himself. Alan settled into the pillows though he didn't close his eyes. "You need to get some sleep." Scott said softly. "You'll feel better in the morning." He reached across to dim the lights but Alan grabbed his wrist.
"I can't." Wide, fearful eyes admitted to the older man. Scott looked down inquisitively at the blonde, using his other free hand to dim the lights and then remove Alan's grip on his wrist. "I'm sorry." Alan added shamefully, unwilling to let his eyes meet his brothers. He let his hand drop, ashamed at the sudden outburst and angry that he'd let that weak tone creep into his voice.
"It's alright." Scott reassured him. "What do you mean you can't?" He smiled worriedly at his brother. Watching as Alan seemed to ponder the question. Not so much the question but how he should respond.
"It's okay. I'm fine." He mumbled eventually. Not daring to look at Scott, he glanced around the room. "It doesn't matter." He didn't need to see Scott's face to know that his older brother wasn't at all fooled by this routine. "I don't know why I said that."
"I think you do." Scott replied. He waited for Alan's gaze to meet his but instead he was faced with unruly blonde locks and was forced to continue. "What did you mean?" Scott paused but Alan remained silent. "What can't you do?"
Alan shrugged. He made the mistake of briefly catching Scott's gaze. Consequently, he suddenly understood that Scott was not willing to leave this. Reluctantly, Alan responded.
"Every time I close my eyes, I see it Scott." He caved, not holding back in telling his older brother everything. Scott bowed his head regretfully. Deep down Alan knew it was the alcohol that had caused him to let his guard down. He didn't really care though; he just knew he needed to get it off his chest. There was little point in even attempting to lie to Scott. Even though Alan wasn't particularly keen on admitting his fears to his already protective, older brother. With Scott, honesty was not just the best policy; it was the only policy.
"We're spinning but we're slowing down and all I can hear is Virg yelling at me to get out. To jump." He continued.
The young man's voice shook and Scott's frown became sympathetic. "And you were scared?" Scott ventured, reading his youngest brother with years of experience.
"Scared?" Alan scoffed and for a minute he was about to deny the question. He knew Scott wouldn't appreciate falsified bravery and would see straight through it, and decided against it. "I was petrified." He muttered depressingly after a short pause.
"There's nothing wrong with that Al, its natural. I'll bet if you ask Virg, he'll tell you he was scared too." Scott tried to calm his brother's anxiousness, seeing in his expression that he felt ashamed to be afraid. "I would have been scared as well." Scott admitted.
Surprised blue eyes met his. "No." Alan shook his head. "No, you wouldn't have been scared and you wouldn't have left Virgil in there alone either." Somehow admitting all this to Scott, made him feel ten times more guilty.
Scott frowned at the comment. "Everybody gets scared Al, even me." Alan glanced up to his brother as if it was an impossibility but Scott moved on. "You don't think you should have left Virgil?"
Alan shrugged painfully. "He was my passenger, I was responsible for getting him out and I left him."
Scott thought the comment through silently. "Al," He said gently. "Virgil told you to jump, why do you think that was?"
Alan shrugged again. "I don't know, because he was worried the engine was going to blow I guess." Alan sighed and blinked tiredly. Scott had long since realised it was Alan's fear of sleeping rather then his lack of exhaustion that was keeping him awake. And as he watched his brother's eyelids drop slightly he could see the effects of the alcohol were becoming increasingly difficult for Alan to resist.
"That's the point." He grumbled. "Once he gets in that car he's my responsibility Scott. This is just another example of me not being responsible. I should have made sure he was clear before I even thought about getting clear myself. Gordon's right." Alan sighed mournfully. "I am selfish."
Scott frowned. "When did Gordon say you were selfish?" He found himself saying before he'd really processed everything his brother had said.
"This afternoon. Whilst you were at the hospital, but it's not just Gordon is it. Everyone thinks that about me." Alan said exasperatedly.
Scott sighed. "Al, the fact that you think you made the wrong decision just proves that you're not selfish. You've really thought this through and you're right. Virgil was your responsibility in that car but you didn't make the wrong decision." Scott paused, watching Alan digest the words. "And the fact that this has even occurred to you means you're responsible enough to evaluate what happened, point out and freely admit what you did wrong." A trait, Virgil was constantly telling him he lacked.
"But, you didn't do anything wrong this time." Scott was saying. "Let me ask you something. Where did Mark hit your car?" When Alan frowned clearly not understanding the question, Scott continued. "Where on the car? Front or back? Fender or head on?" He elaborated.
"Erm, front fender, my side." Alan said, unsure why this was relevant.
"And if you hadn't jumped when Virgil told you to, after the car slowed down. Isn't that right where you would have been sat?" Scott watched the words register in the young blondes eyes. "You'd have been killed for sure." Alan nodded, slowly digesting the conclusion. "It was the right decision." Scott told him firmly. "Virgil will tell you that too. You came out this accident, the both of you, with nothing worse than bruises. If things had been different." Scott paused. "I don't even want to think about what else could have happened. I know you feel a little shaken up now, I'm pretty sure Virg does too but you're going to be alright."
Alan snorted in disbelief. "You think?"
"I know." Scott said confidently. "I'm not saying it'll be easy. You've got the Tracy survival skill; we seem to have this ability to get through anything life throws our way."
"Even murder?" Alan sighed sadly.
"Nobody murdered anybody." Scott frowned in reply.
"That's not what Jack thinks." Alan responded miserably.
"Jack was drunk, he's upset." Scott paused. "Al, you said yourself, it was an accident." He frowned at his brother's obvious fatigue and apparently low mood. "Are you telling me you don't believe that anymore?"
"Everyone keeps saying it's an accident, but how do they know. How does anyone know? How do I know? How do you know?" Alan sighed again.
"Because I know you. I know you're good out there and I know you wouldn't have made that kind of mistake." Scott paused, trying to evaluate whether Alan was listening to him. "I know Virgil and I know Sam too. Do you think Sam would have let you or Virgil out in a car that wasn't safe?" Scott shook his head. "No way. This was an accident, Al and that's all there is to it."
"I wish it was that simple." Alan felt his eyes slipping closed.
"Look, you're exhausted and you're mixed up. You'll feel better in the morning. A good night's sleep and you'll soon put all this into perspective. Now close your eyes." Alan looked nervously at his brother. "Go on, close them." Eventually Alan succumbed to the battle his brother and body fought against him and allowed his eyes to close.
After a few seconds, the mattress lifted as Scott moved and Alan was on the brink of snapping his eyes open again when he felt Scott alongside him.
"I'm right here." Scott soothed the tense reaction to the movement and reached a hand out to his youngest brother from where he'd perched on the opposite bed. He smiled as the young man nestled into his comforting touch and continued to run his fingers through Alan's hair habitually. Alan allowed his eyes to close again and Scott smiled. Watching his every move until his even breathing suggested he was asleep. The rhythmic sound, punctuated by small moans of comfort was enough to tempt Scott's own eyelids into drooping and before long he too slipped into a light doze.
XxxxX
"Scott! Scott!" The whispered words and intermittent shaking roused him with a jolt and his eyes popped open involuntarily.
"Okay! Okay! I'm awake." He whispered, glancing across to where thankfully, Alan still slept. He turned his vision to the person who'd disturbed his sleep. "John." He rubbed his eyes sleepily as he glanced back at Alan's sleeping form and sat up on the edge of the bed he'd fallen asleep on. "What time is it?" He asked blearily.
John sighed glancing at his watch. "Quarter passed midnight. Dad's gone up to your room, he's looking for you." Scott grimaced at the prospect. "How is he?" John gestured down to where Alan slept and Scott followed his vision. Watching John as he reached up to smooth the duvet over his sleeping brother, easily slipping into a more protective role. It reassured Scott that he could leave Alan tonight and concentrate his efforts on Virgil.
"Honestly, I'm not really sure." Scott paused. "Keep an eye on him tonight, will you? I'm worried about him."
"Of course I will, you're not the only one." John paused. "You know, when Dad told me I'd have to share a room with the terrible two I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Right there and then, the idea repulsed me." John paused, sparing a glance at the sleeping man in front of them. "But y'know tonight, despite the fact that it's his fault we're forced to share." He gestured to Alan, and Scott frowned at him; they'd already had this argument on countless occasions. "There isn't anywhere else I'd rather be." John admitted.
Scott agreed with a nod of the head. "Yeah, tell me about it." Scott reached over to a sleeping Alan. "He looks just like he did when he was a kid." Discontentedly he ran his fingers over his brother's golden locks and the young man stirred. Both John and Scott waited for him to settle before the conversation continued.
"When you think about what could have happened out there Scott." John shook his head. "It puts everything into perspective, both of them were so lucky today. We could have easily lost a brother when you think about all the variables."
"Johnny," Scott sighed, shaking his head. "That is definitely something I don't want to think about. They're both okay, as far as I'm concerned that's all that matters."
There was a short silence; the sound of Alan's steady breathing the only thing to penetrate the silence.
"Are you okay?" John asked suddenly, looking intensely at his eldest brother.
Scott seemed surprised by the question. "Me? Yeah I'm fine. Why?"
John shrugged. The first member of his family to do so in the last few hours without causing himself pain Scott thought ruefully. "I don't know. It's just," He paused as if not knowing how to phrase what he wanted to say. "It's Virgil. Y'know?" He said eventually. "And you and him are practically like an old married couple so …" John was struggling to find the right words; this wasn't the kind of conversation many people had successfully with Scott. It was one hundred percent Virgil territory. "So, I was just checking you're okay."
A brief silence ensued before Scott started to laugh. Attempting not to wake Alan he kept it low, shaking his head. "An old married couple?" He smirked. "Gee, I got to remember that one. Virgil's going to love that."
"I mean it Scott," John's smile faded.
So did Scott's.
"I'm fine John really. Virgil's fine so … They're both fine." He shook his head at a loss for the words. "Really." Scott assured him. Standing up, he walked across to the adjacent bed where John perched and placed a hand on his shoulders. "I'm fine." He repeated.
"Well, that's a lie for a start. None of us are 'fine'." John paused, turning around and looking up to his brother. "I saw how you were before you knew he was okay." John said softly. "I've never seen you like that before. If I didn't know better, I'd have said you were panicking." John kept taking long breaks in his speech leaving Scott the opportunity to jump in, but the older man remained steadfastly silent. "Gordon told me about them bringing the body out. He'd gotten it into his head it was Virgil." John saw a flicker of something change in his brother's expression and was about to press on when Scott removed his hand, the barriers slamming into place.
"Speaking of which. I'd better go check in on him and face the music with Dad." Scott went to head to the door and John followed.
"He's seen the CCTV coverage, he knows what happened. He was just going on about public relations, bad press, bad press and bad press." John smiled sarcastically. "It's an important time for the business, apparently, and the last thing he needs is…"
"Bad press?" Scott asked with an ironic smile.
John nodded, but his smile became pensive. "Scott …"
"Johnny," Scott spoke over him. "I appreciate what you're trying to do; really I do. But leave playing big brother to those of us who know what we're doing yeah?"
John recoiled physically at the snarled comment. Hesitating as he reached forward to open the door for his older brother. Scott only grimaced as he reached a hand up to the blonde man's shoulder and it was shaken off with vigour.
"Forgive me for caring." John retorted gruffly.
"John." Scott sighed, leaning against the doorpost and closing his eyes. "I didn't mean that." He sighed again. "I'm just tired and well, it's been a bad day."
For a moment John stood sternly and Scott was beginning to think that the stubborn streak his brother had was about to rear its ugly head. However eventually John sighed too.
"I know." He paused. "And I know it's been a stressful day for you. We've all been worried about Virgil and Alan, then there was the car, Dad being stressed and the last thing you needed was Jack Jamison causing problems. It's been tough. For you more than the rest of us."
"I shouldn't take it out on you guys though." Scott shook his head in regret. "I snapped at Gordy earlier and Virg."
"You're drained, physically and emotionally." John told his brother. "They'll understand."
"Like you do?" Scott questioned him.
"Just like I do." John nodded sincerely. "Although just once it would be nice to hear the Great Scott Tracy; Man of Steel..." Scott grinned at the overemphasised words as he continued. "Admit that he was wrong, and apologise. However, I don't think the world's quite ready for flying pigs just yet." He smiled patting Scott on the shoulder. "I did mean what I said though Scott, you know where I am if you need me." John continued solemnly, Scott nodded his reply albeit uncomfortably. "Go and check on your wife." John grinned as he hung from the door, watching his brother depart. "Night!" He called after Scott as he went to shut the door.
"Hey John!" Scott called from his position a few steps down the corridor, the blonde man responded by halting and sticking his head out of the open space as he still swung on the door. Scott smiled, scoffing slightly as he chuckled. Though he faced his brother as he spoke, he still walked backwards. "I was wrong," He paused for effect. "And I'm sorry."
John's expression changed to one of shock; suddenly he held a hand out. "Watch out!" He pointed to behind Scott as the elder Tracy continued to walk backwards, his face pure disbelief.
Scott stopped immediately, turning round to see what it was his brother pointed at and frowning back at John when there was nothing there. The blonde man was heading back inside his room. "Damn flying pigs!" He exclaimed. "Night!" He added after a short pause and the door clicked shut.
Scott laughed to himself, the first proper need to laugh he'd felt since all this began. Chuckling and shaking his head at his usually quiet brother's humour he continued on his way. Still sniggering when he reached the door to the room he was sharing with Sam and Virgil, he forcefully restrained his laughing to a smirk as he entered. Knowing on the other side would be one mighty unhappy Jeff Tracy waiting for an explanation he didn't have, one annoyed Gordon Tracy who'd still be unhappy after Scott's harsh words earlier and hopefully one sleeping Virgil Tracy. Scott faked a smile for Sam's sake as he reached for the door handle.
XxxxX
He smiled flakily as he entered the room, immediately meeting his father's gaze. He turned to throw a weak smile in Sam and Gordon's direction before facing his father again.
"Dad." He acknowledged with dread, he knew a lecture was heading his way just from what John had said.
"What happened down there Son?" The question came without the aggression Scott had anticipated and for a few minutes, the wearily spoken words took a while to sink in.
Jeff watched his son's reaction slowly; anyone could see Scott was exhausted. Eventually the eldest son shrugged. "I don't know Dad." He sighed, running a hand through his hair; he glanced away from his father and deliberately looked across to where Virgil slept. "Jack had been drinking and erm…" Scott found it difficult to draw his gaze away from his brother and struggled to find the words he wanted to. "Things got out of hand." His eyes remained riveted to Virgil despite the fact that his head pivoted back towards his father.
He was only forced to break his stare at Virgil when he felt his father's hand on his shoulder. "You look exhausted Scott." He heard the softly spoken words, but everything seemed so far away. He forced himself to stay focused. "Look, get some sleep and we'll talk about it in the morning. Alright?" Scott felt himself nod but he knew that this conversation was far from over.
"Are you okay Son?" Jeff asked, a frown of concern now easily recognisable on his features.
For a moment, Scott hesitated before slamming his usual facade back into action. "Yeah, yeah." He said eagerly with a gentle nod of the head. "I'm fine, I … it's just been one hell of a day."
Jeff nodded; a smile hid his concern for now. He was aware that Scott had endured a tough day, they all had, but there was something else about his eldest son's manner that concerned him. He seemed so tired and distracted, almost as if he was in a world of his own at times. Jeff hoped it was the fatigue and nothing more serious that a good night's sleep wouldn't fix. He was aware that Scott would be concerned for Alan and Virgil. His two eldest had always been incredibly close and he knew the fact that his brothers had been involved would have shaken Scott up. However, the fact that one of those brothers was Virgil would shake him up even more.
"That it has." Jeff agreed. "Keep an eye on Virgil tonight, will you?" He knew he didn't have to say that, but somehow speaking the words made him feel better.
"Of course I will." Scott's reply came automatically.
"Okay, well I'm going to check in on Alan then I'm going to bed myself." Jeff announced, for some reason his gaze studied Scott without his command. Taking in the worn expression and the slightly pale tinge to his usually tanned complexion.
"Al's asleep." Scott told his father, already knowing the question that was to come next he answered it in advance. "He's okay. Shaken up more than anything I think. We need to keep an eye on him, both of them. They both need our support now."
Jeff nodded again. "Absolutely." He agreed. "They've both had a terrible experience today and whilst we should be thankful that they've come out of it relatively okay, we shouldn't overlook that fact." He paused thoughtfully, looking over to Virgil.
"Right." He said decidedly. "Night boys."
"Night Mr Tracy." "Night Dad." The choruses came. He turned to exit the room but halted at the sound of one call.
"Dad, wait." Gordon jumped up from the dresser he was sat on. "I'll walk down with you." Jeff nodded as Gordon joined him and they headed off together. "Night Sam." Gordon called over his shoulder, deliberately looking at Scott and saying nothing.
As the door clicked shut, Sam reached forward to lock it and Scott leant up against a wall, closing his eyes. He heaved a hefty sigh. "He's still mad with me, isn't he?" Scott asked, not opening his eyes but gesturing towards the door Gordon had walked out of.
Sam shrugged as the dark haired man opened his eyes and let his head drop forward. "Let him sleep it off."
Scott sighed again. "I'll talk to him tomorrow." Pushing himself away from the wall he walked around to the bed that was positioned alongside Virgil's and sat down. "Did he say anything?" He gazed down at his sleeping brother as Sam came to sit alongside him.
"Nope." The mechanic shook his head. "Out like a light as soon as his head touched the pillow." Sam knew what the question was aimed at. Whether Gordon was the only one annoyed with the way Scott spoke to him. "Is Alan really okay?"
Scott shrugged. "I don't know Sam. He's taken it pretty hard." Scott sighed. "What a day."
"Yep." Sam yawned. "I don't know about you but I'm exhausted. I'm going to get off to bed."
"Yeah, me too." Scott agreed softly, he got up to pull his clothes off. By the time he crawled between the crisp white sheets he could already hear the sound of Sam's soft snoring beside him. He had to smirk; it was a trait that Virgil often teased him about but Sam flatly denied. Sitting back up again Scott turned to his sleeping brother. Pulling the duvet up to cover Virgil's shoulders, he watched his brother sleeping contently as his own eyes slipped closed.
XxxxX
Scott woke with a start; he hadn't experienced any particular difficulty in sleeping last night but had woken from the image of that sheet-covered corpse being pushed in front of him. Only this time the crisp white sheet that had efficiently covered the body revealed a head full of chestnut hair and the distinctive red racing suit that Alan had bought his brother two Christmases ago. The feelings that Scott had felt then had come back, intensified by his subconscious. Barely contained fear, panic and a helplessness that threatened to control him had all dominated his restless sleep. Taking control of his mind, the emotions had somehow amplified themselves and enhanced his feeling of uselessness as he could only watch. Continually more convinced that the covered corpse had been his brother.
Still struggling to convince his mind that the nightmare was only that and forcing his emotions back under some kind of control, he sat up. The cool air hitting his damp chest made him shiver and he shook himself. Focusing on the hotel room that surrounded him. He found himself facing Sam's snoring and hastily turned around to assure himself that Virgil was indeed in the bed alongside him. However, when he noticed the bed was empty he pushed himself to his feet in a panic. Doing his best to ignore his shivering as the bitterly cool air made contact with his sweat drenched body. He looked around the room feverishly, but there was no sign of Virgil anywhere.
His ragged breathing began to calm however, when he noticed that one of the armchairs in the suite had been turned to face the window. Walking over to it, he was relived to see messy chestnut hair poking over the top.
"Pretty, huh?" Scott jumped at his brother's whispered words. Unaware Virgil knew he was there at all. He glanced out of the ceiling to floor windows as the sun began its accent over a stirring skyline.
Scott took the other seat slowly, still reeling from the strange dream he looked across at his brother. Checking over the garish bruising on Virgil's bare chest and subconsciously scanning him all over for any other injuries.
"Yeah." He replied eventually. "It is pretty." He paused. "You should be in bed though, that Doctor said lots of rest."
Virgil nodded, bowing his head for a moment. "I'm not really tired anymore." He said softly. "I guess I slept enough." He added.
"I thought those drugs would have made you sleep longer." Scott theorised. "It's…" He glanced at his watch. "Only quarter to five." Virgil's reply was only a shrug. Scott began to wonder if Gordon wasn't the only one who was upset with him. "Are you mad with me, for the way I spoke to you yesterday?" Scott ventured, his breathing finally calming.
Virgil seemed to hesitate; as if he wasn't really sure either what Scott was talking about, or his answer. "No." He said eventually. "You were stressed. Gordon's mad though."
Scott nodded. "I know. If it's any consolation, I didn't mean it how it sounded. And, I didn't tell you about the investigation because I didn't think you needed the extra stress. It was for your own good."
Virgil shrugged. "Forget it." He said dejectedly.
Scott watched him for a few minutes as he sat motionless, pretending to watch the sun. "Do you want to talk?" He asked softly after a few minutes.
Again, Virgil shrugged slightly after a long, thoughtful pause. "We are talking."
"You know what I meant." Scott told him, his concern at Virgil's desolate tone was fast turning to frustration but Virgil remained silent. "Virg, I really think you should go back to bed."
Several minutes of silence passed. Scott became increasingly uncomfortable as his brother ignored his comment and sat quite still, watching the sunrise. This wasn't like Virgil at all and Scott thought the awkward tension in the air unbearable. He couldn't ever remember a time when he'd felt so uneasy around Virgil; it unnerved him. Eventually Scott leant forward in his chair, no longer able to sit in the awful quiet. "Virgil, I …"
"I heard what you said." Virgil said sharply, not taking his eyes of the slowly moving sun.
Scott was taken aback by the snapped reply, suddenly unsure if Virgil had been truthful in telling him he wasn't annoyed with him. He became consciously careful of what he was saying; Virgil was not as okay as he was attempting to pretend to be. Scott could see that his usually conciliatory brother was troubled about something and unwilling to talk about it.
Virgil didn't usually bottle his emotions up, instead openly admitting the need the talk and unlike Scott often searching out his confidante to do just that. It was only when the situation became just too immense for Virgil to deal with, that the second eldest Tracy son packed away his feelings into a tiny corner of his soul and left them there. One such occasion was the death of their mother; a tragedy that though they had discussed, Scott still felt his brother kept too much inside about. Virgil had always defended himself by pointing out that Scott never willingly talked about his emotions and it was only due to his own timely interruptions that he did so at all. That only further added to Scott's argument though; that was how he was, it wasn't how Virgil was.
"I don't see you moving." Scott realised the words sounded sarcastic and tried to lighten the situation by laughing but it was no use. It had no effect on Virgil and Scott feared just how volatile his brother's dark mood was.
"I told you, I'm not tired. I'm not going back to bed." Virgil said tonelessly, his eyes riveted on the sun.
Scott sighed "Okay." He muttered as he sat back in the chair he occupied.
A few more minutes of silence ticked by painfully slowly. "You go back to bed." Virgil said suddenly, startling his brother who had become accustomed to the silence.
"I'm alright here." Scott shrugged.
"I don't need babysitting Scott. Stop fussing and go back to bed." The tone he used had a sharp edge to it that immediately concerned Scott. Virgil rarely took his aggression out on other people but this wasn't the first time he'd taken that tone.
"You're worrying me." Scott confided softly. "Sitting there isn't doing you a lot of good when you should be in bed resting." When Virgil made no attempt to reply Scott appealed to him. "Please Virg, I understand if you don't want to talk but, go back to bed. The more I see you sat here like this, the more nervous you're making me."
"Yeah well, nobody's forcing you to sit there and watch." Virgil's tone remained low but for a second he wrenched his gaze from the sun to glance briefly at his brother. "I told you, go back to bed."
"And you really think I'm going to do that?" Scott asked incredulously.
"Do whatever you like Scott." Virgil's response was dull, lacklustre and monotonous.
"I'd like you to go to bed, so as I can too."
"No one's stopping you." Virgil paused. "Go." He paused; waiting for Scott to stir but his eldest brother didn't move a muscle. "Go." He repeated. "Go on, go back to bed."
"Fine." Scott eventually got to his feet, hesitating to give Virgil the chance to stop him. "I'm just trying to help." When his brother remained mute, he continued on to his bed. He lay awake for some time, listening to Virgil's every infrequent move and the sound of the recurrent sighs that escaped his lips.
Eventually, about fifty minutes after getting back in bed, Scott watched in the soft sunlight that made its way into the darkened room as Virgil's silhouette finally moved. His eyes glued to his brothers form as slowly and a little unsteadily, Virgil made his way passed the end of Scott's bed and into the shower. The pitter-patter of running water could be heard after a few minutes and coupled with the sudden silence in the room, Scott found himself drifting off into sleep again.
XxxxX
"Gordy!" A shaking hand reached out to the sleeping form. "Gords!" The hushed words were becoming more and more urgent, the form they addressed merely grumbled in his sleep. Turning onto his side and moving away from the nagging voice, Gordon's eyes remained closed. Alan eyed the space on the mattress and sat down, unable to stop himself shaking.
"Gordon, please wake up." He reached out a hand and shook his brother once more; this time a mumbled response came before slowly, bleary amber eyes opened to take in the scene in front of him.
"Al?" He asked, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. "Are you okay?" He pushed himself up, his vision successfully adjusted to the dark and he studied his younger brother. "You're shaking!" He paused. "Come on; let's get you back to bed. Come on." He wrapped an arm round his brother's bare but bruised shoulders as he tumbled out of bed. "It's alright, come on." He assured Alan as he led him back to his own bed.
He pulled Alan close to him, reassuringly rubbing the top of his arm as he sat him on the bed. "Come here, lie down." Gordon told him as he guided him towards the mattress. "Are you cold?" Gordon frowned as he pulled the duvet up and round his quivering brother.
Alan shook his head. "No, but it is cold here compared to what we're used to." He smiled softly suddenly feeling regretful that he'd woken Gordon. He became angry at his own inadequacy and tried to appear normal, but it didn't lessen Gordon's frown.
"Are you alright?" The older brother asked, deep down he already knew the answer to that question but he wanted to give Alan a chance to explain.
"Yeah." Alan nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." He paused, sighing deeply. "No, that's a lie, I'm not fine. I… I just …" He struggled to find the words he wanted. "I just wanted to be near somebody."
Gordon thoroughly understood the words. "Nightmare?" He asked.
Alan managed a muffled reply, something along the lines of "Uh huh." He huddled into the pillow and pulled the duvet that covered him closer, as if it could protect him somehow.
Gordon nodded to himself. "Do you want to talk about it?" He hoped his younger brother would. He shivered himself in the cool air.
"It happened all over again." Alan said softly. Gordon was surprised at the candidness of the comment. He'd expected at least a little resistance and pondered whether it was indicative of just how upset Alan was.
"It's okay." Gordon reached out for his brother's hand and was surprised at the grip that was returned. "It's alright." He sighed. "It'll get easier Al, I promise you."
The younger man nodded. "I know. Deep down I know. It's just in the meantime I feel so…" He trailed off, not really wanting to admit exactly how he felt to his brother. Knowing that for Gordon to provide the comfort he needed and wanted, he would have to.
"So what?" Gordon asked, purposely glancing over to John. He saw his older brother remained asleep and attempted not to wake him, keeping their voices low.
"Lonely and scared." Alan sighed. "Guilty."
Gordon pulled him closer for a few minutes, hugging his brother. "You've got no reason to feel guilty Al, we've been through this. None of what happened yesterday was you're fault, deep down you know that."
Alan nodded again. "Yeah I do, but it's so scary Gords. I wake up and it's so dark and I'm alone."
"You're not alone now." Gordon told him, his free hand still rubbing at the younger mans arm in a soothing gesture. "I'm always here and I always will be, even when I'm back at work I'm only ever a phone call away. You can call me any time; you know that don't you? Day or night."
"I know that." Alan's voice held a sudden calm it had lacked earlier.
"Good." Gordon smiled. "Now you're not alone and you're safe. So, tell me what happened in the nightmare."
"I don't want to keep you up, I'm sorry I woke you. I just had to … be close to somebody." Alan frowned at how inadequate the words sounded in comparison to how he actually felt.
"It's okay. You did the right thing, I'm your brother it's what I'm here for. Now talk to me about what happened." Gordon told him as he allowed himself to fall back against the pillows alongside his brother, propping himself up on one arm. "I'm not going anywhere until you've told me everything." He told his brother firmly.
"It all happens again, just like it was yesterday." For a few seconds Alan halted and Gordon looked down to the abundance of golden curls that rested on the pillow alongside him. He was about to prompt his brother into elaborating when Alan continued. "Virgil wanted to listen to how the engine sounded under the strain; we're allowed to take mechanic out on the warm up so I took him with me. He told me I was leaving my gear changing too late; he was talking me through it." Alan smiled softly, taking a break. "We were approaching the bend and Virgil told me to change down. I put it in fourth, or at least I thought I did." He shook his head. "Maybe I didn't, maybe I did put it in second."
"You told me you were sure you'd put it in fourth." Gordon frowned.
"I know, I was sure. But …" Alan sighed, moving to give Gordon more room on the bed. "The more I think about it, the more I think … maybe I was wrong. Maybe I did put it in second." He shrugged, sighing again desolately.
"Al, you were so sure before." Gordon shook his head; saddened to hear his brother doubting himself. "Don't doubt yourself now. It is possible that there's a fault with the car y'know."
"Possible, yes. But highly unlikely." Alan sighed. "Ferrari US rebuilt the whole transmission system Gords. They're professionals, I'm just some rich kid who thought racing old classics was another step on the ladder to going professional. Who do you thinks more likely to make the mistake?"
"Al, you are a good driver and that's all this investigation is going to prove." Gordon told him confidently. "Don't doubt yourself. I have every faith in you, we all do. And we'll all support you whatever happens, you know that."
"Thanks Gordon." Alan murmured.
There were a few moments of silence before Gordon urged his brother to go on. "Go on." He paused. "Tell me what happened next."
Alan sighed, "There was this screeching noise and we were spinning … so fast. I remember glancing down at the dash and the revs where in the red. I cut the power to the engine." He paused again, the memories replaying themselves automatically. "Virgil was yelling at me, telling me I had to get out and I thought he was unfastening his safety harness. When he told me to jump, I thought he was going to jump too. So I did it."
He swallowed. "Virgil hit the harness release and I took it off, and then waited. We hit the first barrier and bounced back out onto the track, but it'd taken a lot of the impact and we were slowing down. The engine was still screaming, it sounded like one of Dad's prototypes was taken off behind us. I waited until we'd slowed down. All I could hear was Virgil shouting at me to get out, so I jumped. I remember hitting the floor and rolling, my shoulder was killing me. I looked up to see where Virgil was, that's when I realised he was still in the car."
Alan paused, a frown of despair contorting his face before he continued. "I started to run towards the car." His breathing hitched and he seemed to become breathless. "I could see Mark coming and I knew, I knew he was going to drive straight into my car. There was no time for him to react and Virgil was in there." A pause came and Gordon did his best to reassure his brother whilst urging him to continue. "I remember hearing this screaming and I kept thinking I wish it'd stop because it was so distracting. Then I realised it was me. I was screaming." Alan scoffed, shaking his head and blinking to dispel the angry tears in his eyes. "Mark drove straight into the car; he couldn't do anything else and there was an explosion. When I look back it all happened so fast but at the time, it was as if it was all happening in slow motion. Suddenly there were all these stewards all over the place and fire crews. A paramedic checked me over and I was being led away. I didn't want to leave but then I saw Scott, the rest you know." Alan concluded.
"Sounds awful." Gordon thought aloud, frowning at the distraught features of his brother.
"It was." Alan confirmed. "It was horrible, worse then horrible."
"Al," Gordon began delicately. "I know it was horrendous but well …" He paused, unsure how to voice the words he wanted to. "Do you remember, it was the Easter before I left for the WASP. Scott was stuck in Nevada, but Virgil and John came home."
Alan nodded, though a frown graced his features. He was completely unaware as to where this was going. "Yeah I remember," Alan said tonelessly, trying to recall the exact details. "You were going out with Melissa Peters." He smirked, the expression contrasted with his tearful features.
Gordon closed his eyes regretfully. "I thought we agreed not to talk about that."
"You brought it up." Alan told him mischievously, sniffling away the tears that had presented themselves.
Gordon opened his mouth to make a sarcastic reply but refrained. As he glanced down to Alan's grin he realised that now wasn't the time to wipe the smirk away with an acerbic comment and physically stopped himself. Smiling at the almost cheerful disposition Alan seemed to have adopted at the recalling of this particular tale, he sighed softly. It was the first time he'd seen Alan smile since the accident yesterday and it was a welcome sight. Alan wasn't usually one to become down and the fact that he seemed almost jovial again, even if it was at his own expense, had Gordon feeling more than a little relieved.
"I didn't bring it up." Gordon's tone remained light-hearted and he purposely didn't use the irritated and snapped tone he would normally use. "Besides that's not was I was going to say."
"You brought up Easter." Alan frowned. "You definitely said …."
"Okay!" Gordon interrupted him with a short laugh, pleased that the nightmares fear seemed to be dissipating. "I brought up Easter but you brought up Melissa Peters." He looked across at the mop of blonde curls alongside him, not needing to see Alan's face to know he'd be finding this amusing. He carried on quickly. "Anyway… What I was going to say was that…" He took a deep breath. "It was that year that Ken Williams died in that car accident."
"Oh." Alan immediately became morose again and Gordon wondered if he was about to undo all the hard work he'd already done. However, he knew that this had been important advice to him at the time and it was important his younger brother knew it too.
Alan sighed, he suddenly felt awkward. Ken Williams had been a friend of Gordon's, through his swimming connections. It wasn't as if Gordon really knew him that well, but he was a nice enough guy and his sudden, tragic death had been a shock to the system for everyone. Gordon had taken the news particularly badly, pretending for the first few days that he was fine. It was only when Alan had taken Virgil to one side and confided in him how worried he was about his brother that Virgil told him he was worried too and that he would talk to Gordon.
Alan thanked the heavens that it was Scott who was away and not Virgil. Scott had always been busy with him whenever Gordon needed anything and it had fallen mostly to Virgil to take care of him. To this day, he didn't know what Virgil had said, but it had certainly had an effect. Gordon began taking late night trips to Virgil's room and often didn't return until the early hours of the morning. Gordon thought no-one else knew but in truth, both John and Alan had commented on it before now.
Alan felt the need to squirm alongside his brother in the awkwardness that followed. "Gordy, I'm sorry." He said eventually, not knowing what else to say.
"Why?" Gordon shook his head. "You didn't kill him. Besides, I don't want to talk about it really." There was a long pause before he continued. "It's just… I… I found it really hard to deal with. I know I didn't know him that well, about as well as you knew Mark." Gordon paused, feeling Alan's every muscle tense alongside him. "Virgil was … great. I used to go into his room at night, in the middle of the night and he'd just listen to me talk, hold me when I got upset and reassure me." Alan refrained from pointing out that both he and John knew where he used to go late at night and let his brother continue.
"He told me once that no matter how hard you try. You can't ignore how you feel on the inside; that no matter how much you don't like it, you always have to deal with it. If you don't, it swallows you up. But it's not something to be ashamed of or scared of, because you're not on your own. And now I'm going to tell you the same thing. You're not on your own Al; you've got the whole family behind you, me included."
Alan nodded, not sure how to respond to the heartfelt words. "Thanks." He replied awkwardly.
"I mean it Al." Gordon told him firmly. "Promise me you'll talk to me, or if not me someone. Whenever you need to."
"I promise." Alan murmured softly.
"It gets easier." Gordon told him.
"It can't get much worse." Alan smiled, yawning. "I'm so tired."
"Try and get some sleep." Gordon stated the obvious reply.
"This is going to sound stupid…" Alan began; Gordon smiled softly in response to his frown and shook his head, illustrating his doubt in that comment. "I'm ….scared of going to sleep. No, not scared, just a bit apprehensive."
Instead of the guffaw that Alan expected to spill forth Gordon just smiled softly and sighed. "You managed to get off to sleep before."
Alan cursed himself for underestimating his brother. He should've known better then to think that Gordon would be anything other than serious when it came to supporting him. However when he sat up, intent to leave Alan to rest the younger man reached out a pleading hand.
"Scott stayed before, until I was asleep." He paused hesitantly, unsure whether he should really ask of his brother the question on his lips. "Can I … will you stay here … until I fall asleep, will you stay?" The staggered sentence eventually came out.
Gordon smiled. "Of course I will." He lay back down pulling the duvet up over Alan and lying back down alongside him. He shivered himself at the cool air circulating around him "Just close your eyes and relax." Gordon whispered as reached for the spare blanket at the bottom of the bed to cease his own chill. He pulled the blanket up covering himself where he lay atop of the covers that kept his brother warm and settled down.
"Thanks Gordy." Alan murmured as he began to feel himself drift away into a soporific sleep. Though this time the knowledge that Gordon would stay to guard his sleep, kept his subconscious mind at bay.
Across the other side of the room, John Tracy settled back into his pillows contently. Satisfied that Gordon would make sure their youngest brother was okay, he allowed his eyes to close once more and blissful sleep to envelope him.