Authors Note: Thanks again to those who reviewed the last chapter; it's always greatly appreciated. Please continue to let me know what you're all thinking.
Chapter Sixteen – Unwelcome Truths
"Maybe we could try changing the…" Sam looked to where John stared aimlessly across the room and immediately let the sentence trail away. The blonde Tracy hadn't really seemed to concentrate on anything since Scott's departure. Sam heaved a sigh and sat back in his chair, unceremoniously throwing the pen he toyed with on the desk. "Okay, you want to talk about it?" When John didn't even acknowledge Sam's words, the mechanic waved a hand in front of his vacant expression. "John?"
"Sorry, what?" John blinked himself out of his reverie.
"You alright?" Sam frowned. "You've hardly said two words since Scott went off."
"Yeah." John smiled shakily. "Sorry, my mind's been somewhere else."
Sam sighed. "I know what you mean. I can't stop seeing Virgil's face when he realised … Well, y'know." He finished uncomfortably.
"Yeah, yeah I know." John sighed. "Me too."
Sam sighed too, pensively. "I don't know how he did it. Kept it to himself, I mean. I would have cracked under the pressure by now."
John shook his head in reply. "Scott's right, he'd go to the ends of the earth to protect Alan. Not just Al, any of us; they both would."
"You mean Scott?" Sam questioned. When John nodded, he sighed before continuing. "I didn't realise how close they were; Scott and Virgil. I've watched them over this weekend, and there just so comfortable around each other. I kind of wish that I had a relationship like that with my brother." He smiled fleetingly. "You're all lucky to have each other."
John smiled in reply. "Scott and Virgil have always been close." He paused for a few moments. "After Mom died they really pulled together, I guess for the rest of us. As they grew older, they just seemed to get closer. Then Scott left for college." John paused, shaking his head at the memories. "It was horrible, Virgil was lost without him around and I think he was equally as lost being away. I think they've kind of drifted since then. I mean, we're all pretty close as family goes, but they're not as close as they used to be. What about you?"
Sam scoffed. "Nah, my brother wasn't exactly the ideal role model. My Dad died when I was fourteen, Hal kind of went of the rails after that. I haven't seen him in years. I doubt I'd recognise him if he walked passed me in the street. My Mom tells me about him, when I call but…" Sam shook his head. "He did some bad things."
John hung his head, wishing he hadn't asked. "I'm sorry." He said lamely. "I didn't mean to pry."
Sam smiled up at him. "No, not at all. Virgil's been more of a brother to me in the last few years than Hal ever was." John smiled at the high regard the mechanic held his older brother in. "I just hope he's okay."
"Me too." John sighed again. "I wonder how it's going. I hope Scott's had the sense to listen to what I said." He shook his head.
"I'm sure Scott'll handle it." Sam assured him. "Maybe Virgil will listen to him."
"Yeah maybe…" John shrugged. "Or maybe not."
"You said yourself; they're close. They'll figure it out one way or another." Sam found himself assuring John again.
"I'm not so sure. It doesn't matter now close they are, if he pushes Virgil too hard…" John trailed off. "Alan was right; what he said on the playback was true. Scott lectures him about growing up and acting like an adult, but Scott's the one who can't move on. This weekend has been the catalyst for some of us to point that out. What worries me is that he'll push Virgil too far. And the mood Virgil's in, he's not likely to be tactful about what he says."
"Maybe straight talking is what Scott needs." Sam suggested, but John was already shaking his head.
"Or maybe it's just going to cause one huge fight…" John replied with a heavy sigh.
XxxxX
"Can we start this conversation again?" Scott smiled hopefully.
"Scott," Virgil shook his head. "Look, you've seen the sketches. You know what you know. I don't want to talk about it. I've had to go through it once today already and I'm not doing it again."
Scott realised he wasn't going to get anywhere and retreated, deciding on a different angle. "Okay, you don't want to talk, that's fair enough. I know the interviews are rough, but what if I do?" He sat back in his chair, stretching an arm along the top of the sofa, behind Virgil's head. "Will you listen?"
Virgil looked, up clearly surprised by the comment. Scott had unfortunately inherited Jeff's strategy that if you pretended everything was okay, then it would be. After their mother had died, Scott tried his best to comfort their father. As a result, Virgil truly believed that Jeff's mind-set of denial had shaped Scott into the man he was today. Virgil knew only too well, his brother didn't often require his empathising skills in such an overt manner. In fact, it was usually Virgil instigating, or often even forcing, his listening ear onto his brother.
In answer to Scott's question, he just nodded mutely.
"I'm listening; go on." Below the surface, a suspicious frown lurked. He wondered if Scott was going to attempt emotional blackmail as a way of getting him to talk. Virgil wholeheartedly wished his brother would just accept the fact that he didn't need his support and leave it at that. Alan was in much greater need of it, in his opinion. Nevertheless he let Scott go on, consciously reminding himself that this was most likely a ploy.
Scott took in a deep breath; this wasn't one of his stronger points. In fact, it was something he hated doing, hated to the point where he would rather suffer himself. However, he was determined Virgil would not endure the fallout of this crash on his own, and begrudgingly accepted the actuality that he would resort to anything, including this. He swallowed hard and prepared to bare his own soul in the hope his brother would follow suit.
"I…" He trailed off as a smile ghosted his features. "I don't know where to start. I guess this weekend hasn't been easy for any of us. I don't think I realised how much everyone's changed over the last few years. Gordon seems so mature and John has a hell of a lot more self confidence. I've got to admit, even Al's grown up." Another pause as he folded one leg underneath the other. Virgil too shifted position, sitting slightly askew so as he was semi-facing his brother. "I guess what I mean is that it's not exactly what I expected when Dad suggested we meet up."
"Yeah well, I don't think it's been what any of us expected." Virgil ground out sarcastically.
"No," Scott agreed. "It never crossed my mind that you were in the car." Scott continued, slowly. He smirked to himself slightly. "I was so worried about Alan and there were all these marshals telling me I couldn't get any closer." Scott paused. Swallowing and dropping his gaze before letting out a breath. He focused his vision back on his brother. "That's when I saw it." He stopped, lost in the memory as it replayed in his head once more.
Virgil frowned. "Saw it? Saw what?" He asked, watching Scott's hesitation with concern.
"They wheeled a body passed us." Scott's tone had reverted to being detached and he carried on with a matter-of-fact air to his voice. "To begin with I was just so repulsed by the fact that someone was dead. But then… then my mind started formulating all these theories. I saw Alan with some marshals not far away; he was dazed but he was okay. The relief was…." He trailed off again. Suddenly he smirked and a despondent laugh escaped his lips. "I held him so tightly Virg; I don't know how he breathed. I just needed to reassure myself he was okay," Scott shook his head. "I know that's selfish after what he'd been through but I was so worried that something had happened to him."
There was a long pause before Scott spoke again, Virgil watched him fidget in the chair. He obviously felt awkward about admitting just how he felt. Virgil sympathised with him to a certain degree, but was determined that his sympathy would not allow Scott to succeed. As far as he was concerned, this was a subject that was strictly off limits. A fact his brother needed to accept rather than attempt to change.
"When he told me you were in the car, I … I felt numb." Scott admitted, flushing with embarrassment. "I just couldn't get it into my head, it didn't seem real. It was just words, y'know? I don't think I really believed him to begin with. Then I remembered seeing them pushing that body passed me, and my imagination really kicked in." He attempted to laugh, but deep down found the mater far from funny. "I'd all but convinced myself it was you. Physically I froze but all the time my mind was racing. All these different pictures kept popping into my head. I couldn't get rid of them and each one was worse than the last." Scott looked down to where his hands rested in his lap and began to fiddle gently with his thumbs, guiltily. Not daring to look up at his brother; too nervous of his own reaction.
"I … I panicked Virg. " He admitted, remorsefully. "The pit of my gut just fell away and I really panicked. I ran over to what was left of the cars but they'd covered the windshields up with salvage sheets and I couldn't see anything. The next thing I knew they were pulling you out." Another pause came as he nervously continued to fiddle with his fingers. "You were so pale and still; it was frightening but I was so relieved I could have cried. I tried to get closer, I wanted to go in the ambulance but they said I couldn't." He looked up to see if this was having any effect on his brother. Staring deep into Virgil's eyes, he could see the empathy there and cleared his throat. Hoping that he wouldn't have to go much further.
"I didn't realise you'd seen the body." Virgil said softly. "I'm sorry."
"When we found out it was Mark, I was pleased." Scott continued, shaking his head regretfully. "I was pleased that it was him and it wasn't either of you." He paused. Shamefully bowing his head. "I know that makes me a terrible person but I can't help it, Virg."
"It doesn't make you a terrible person Scott." Virgil told him sincerely. "It's only natural that you'd feel that way. We're your brothers and you barely knew Mark."
"Did you know him well?" Scott looked up at his brother. He hoped that his sentimental declaration would be enough for Virgil to open up too. Allowing himself to entertain the idea that maybe he'd done the hard part now. He began skirting around the edges of the real issue.
Virgil shrugged under Scott's gaze. Not showing any signs of realising what his brother was up to, even though he did. "As well as Alan, I guess." Virgil paused to remember. "He never really got on with Al. I think he saw him as a threat, especially now the car's fixed. Usually after the race, we'd all go out for a drink. Jim used to insist; said it was good to fraternise with the enemy." He laughed. "Mark was always there to rub Alan's nose in it after we had problems with the car. He was always okay with me, and Jim got on with him okay. Mark was always a bit arrogant; in fact, it was Jack and I that always tried to keep the peace."
"Yeah well, I don't think Jack was thinking about keeping the peace when he turned up here the other night." Scott said angrily, still smarting from the incident.
"He's grieving Scott." Virgil sighed sadly. "He's just lost his brother. How would you have felt if it had been Alan or I that had died?"
Scott bowed his head morosely. "Yeah well … I've been thinking about that a lot." He paused. "John said we were lucky when you think about all the variables and he's right. I don't even want to consider what could have happened. How easily we could have lost either of you…" He paused. "Or worse, both."
"Unfortunately, Jack doesn't have the option to stop thinking about it. The poor guy," Virgil sympathised. "I can't even imagine what he's going through now."
"I know." Scott agreed but still felt the need to put his ideas forward. "But I'd still like to think I wouldn't go around getting drunk and then looking for a fight."
Virgil shrugged, shaking his head at his brother's condescending and superior attitude. "You're the first to reach for the scotch bottle." He gestured to the glass on the table as if to prove his point. "Besides, Jack was just lashing out."
"That's all very well but Alan was fragile enough without having to hear him 'lash out'," Scott frowned at his brothers empathetic skills; they were much greater than his own were. "He hurt you, what if he'd done more serious damage?"
"But he didn't Scott." Virgil replied. "He didn't mean to hurt me, it was an accident."
"Maybe, but he did and he didn't show any remorse." Scott pointed out, stubbornly.
"If you'd just died, I doubt apologising to anyone would be top of my priority list Scott. Cut the guy some slack." Virgil protested tersely. He was beginning to feel his brother's resentment and respond to it with aggravation.
Not wanting this to transcend into another argument, Scott paused, before deciding to change the subject. "Where were they from?" He asked out of interest; he felt he should know more about this person.
"He was a Brit; their Grandfather's a Lord or something. That's where they get all their money. Last I heard Mark was working in London, something to do with computers and Jack's a doctor." Virgil mused unhappily, as he shook his head again. "It's so sad Scott; I mean he can't have been older than John. So much potential, so much life just ….just gone, just like that." He clicked his fingers. "It's wrong. Makes me wish I could do something that would make a difference. But there isn't anything is there?" He sighed.
Virgil seemed deep in thought and Scott wondered if he was making progress. "Have you thought about the funeral?"
Virgil shrugged. "I'll go with Alan, if he wants to go. It'll mean coming back to England for a few nights; I'll talk to him about it and see what he says. Judging from Jack's reaction the other night, I'm not sure we'd be welcome anyway." He paused. "How do you think he's coping with all this? I mean really coping."
"Alan's stronger than we think. I know he upset Gordon this morning, but I think he's doing okay." Scott sighed thoughtfully. "Better than I thought he would." Scott narrowed his eyes as he studied his brother closely.
"Better than me, you mean." Virgil said bitterly, taking in a long breath at the insinuation. He winced at just how tight his chest was becoming.
"You said it." Scott muttered softly, hoping that the comment was an indication of the progress he'd made. He waited for a long time for Virgil to respond, half expecting some kind of angry retort but none came.
"Only because you didn't have to." Virgil sighed in response. "Is Gordon alright?" He asked.
Scott nodded. "Yeah. Alan was just upset yesterday after the interview. He said a few things he didn't mean and Gordon took the full force of his frustrations. They're okay now, I've just seen them down in the lobby and they seemed fine."
Virgil sighed, pensively. "Yeah well, I guess when people are upset they don't think rationally. They say things they don't mean." He hesitated. "And do things that aren't that clever."
"You mean like you did yesterday?" Scott ventured carefully, not wanting Virgil to clam up on him. As he had before.
"I guess so." Virgil shrugged. "But I'm paying the price now." He paused again, swallowing back an element of his pride. "For what it's worth, I am sorry about yesterday. I wasn't thinking straight."
"I know." Scott nodded, unsure whether to carry on or not. He did but with great trepidation. "Virgil, you know you can't avoid talking about this forever." He said softly.
"I knew it!" Virgil exclaimed, his head snapping up to stare at his brother with contempt. "You can't just leave it can you?"
Scott watched the fire in his brothers eyes ignite and continue to burn with some surprise. He frowned at just how adamant Virgil seemed; the ferocity of his rage was so uncharacteristic.
"No, no I can't. Not when I know you're torturing yourself like this." He paused, continuing to watch Virgil as he spoke. "I don't understand why you're doing this."
"Doing what?" Virgil frowned, screwing his face up in annoyance at his brother's persistence.
"Denying yourself any help." Scott sat forward. "You begrudge any physical help you're forced to rely on. You go out of your way to avoid asking for help, to the point where you'd rather hurt yourself more. And you won't let me get close enough to help you emotionally." Scott came to a stop with a sigh. For a few seconds he allowed himself to collect his thoughts. Virgil made no effort to respond to his words, instead staring into space as if they hadn't even been spoken.
"Is it me?" Scott asked eventually, tired of waiting for a response. "Is it my fault? Have I done or said something to upset you?" He paused for Virgil to reply but the younger man remained silent. "I know you think I'm interfering but that's my job; I'm your brother." He paused again, but still no reply came. "If this is about this morning, at breakfast then I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so overbearing or intrusive. I'm worried about you Virgil and I don't really think you appreciate how much." Scott looked across to his brother but Virgil just stared ahead, determined this conversation wasn't happening. "Look, I know this is hard for you but I can't help you unless you talk to me. I wish you'd just talk to me Virg, I want to know." Scott sat back realising that his voice had risen throughout his oration. And that towards the end, it sounded more like pleading then the domineering tenor he'd intended.
"It's nothing to do with you." Virgil said eventually. The anger hadn't quite faded from his voice. "I know you're worried and I'm sorry that I've given you cause to worry. But you can't possibly understand this Scott, so just leave it alone. Please, it's not about you. It's about me, it's all me, I promise you."
Scott sighed heavily; he was fast getting to the end of his tether. He shook his head in frustration, opening his arms and shrugging. "I thought you wanted to talk this morning, what's changed now?"
Virgil swallowed, composing himself. When he did speak, it was a complete contrast to Scott's urgent and frantic manner. He remained calm and quiet. "I've already been through all this once today with the investigation team; I don't want to have to go through it again with you." Virgil told his brother wearily. "Honestly, I just wish this weekend had never happened. I just want to go home on Wednesday and forget all about it."
"Well I hate to disappoint you Buddy, but that isn't going to happen." Scott told him seriously, his frustration breaking through into sarcasm. "If you really want to forget about this weekend then you're going to have to deal with what's happened and that means talking about it." Scott was planning to stop, but seeing the expression on Virgil's face he jumped back in before his brother could. "And don't look like that because you know as well as I do that I'm right."
Virgil was shaking his head gently. "No, no you're not! Contrary to what you think Scott, you are not always right!" He continued. "I am dealing with it, just not the way you want me to." He protested angrily.
"What's the hell is that supposed to mean?" Virgil blocking his every effort to help and foiling his attempts to get him to talk was beginning to get to Scott. As a result, the question came out with a bit more bite than was intended.
"It means…" Virgil began, keeping his reply low and not matching his brother's harsh tone. "…that just because I'm not running to you for a shoulder to cry on, doesn't mean that I'm not dealing with it." He said adamantly. "And I'm sorry if that's not quite what you expected to happen but I'm dealing with this in my own way Scott. And I'm afraid if that doesn't involve me running to you to make you feel better, well…" The long sentence seemed to flow off his tongue and he paused for breath. "Well, I'm sorry Scott but you're just going to have to accept that." Virgil growled, letting his temper rise to the surface as Scott's imperiousness became too much.
"No, I won't just accept it!" Scott snapped back loudly, matching Virgil's tone. He intentionally reigned his temper in. "Virgil, I know you. I know how you tick and I know you need to get this off your chest."
"Stop telling me what I need!" Virgil bellowed; his self control wavering further at Scott's pestering and condescending. "I know what I need and it doesn't involve you!" He responded impulsively.
"Do you?" Scott questioned, "Do you really know what you need? You sure as hell didn't yesterday. Unless you felt a sudden masochistic compulsion to make yourself worse!" Scott threw up his hands and got to his feet, continuing where Virgil had left off in pacing the small space in front of the sofa. "You said you weren't thinking rationally yesterday. So what makes you so sure you're thinking rationally now?"
"Look Scott," Virgil responded, desperately trying to remain calm as he reached for the wireless headphones on the table alongside him. "I told you, I didn't want to talk about this." He continued to talk as he placed the earpieces in his ears. "Why can't you just understand that and leave me alone?" He reached for the radio but Scott just beat him to it, snatching the pen like object from his hands with force.
"No! No I won't!" He exclaimed as he continued to pace, radio in hand. "Virgil, I don't know what's going on in your head and contrary to popular belief, I'm not psychic." He brandished the radio as if it was some kind of stick. Waving it about in the air as he spoke. "I know you're upset and I know this is eating you up." He sighed again. "You need to get it out of your system; I'm just giving you an opportunity to do that."
"Yeah." Virgil smirked sarcastically. "You're doing it all for me, aren't you? Nothing to do with the fact that you feel useless or that you need to feel as if you're doing something." He paused; looking directly up at his brother as he painfully pushed himself to his feet. He was quite surprised by the bolts of agony that consumed his chest. He assumed the stress of this discussion was making him tense and further increasing the throbbing in his ribs. Not to mention his sudden shortness of breath; he deduced it was the strain and carried on.
"What makes you so sure that talking is the only way I can get all this out of my system? Huh?" He asked, allowing his anger to break the surface as his face darkened. The tone and pitch of his voice changed to match that of a Scott's.
He reached for the sketchbook that Scott had left on the sofa. "What do you think this is?" He fumed as he wafted the hardback book under Scott's nose. "Do you think its fun sketching these?" Virgil hesitated, his eyes glazing over. "It's not." He told Scott sadly, angrily. "I don't enjoy doing this!" He flicked the sketch book open and waved a random picture in Scott's face. "But I do it, because I can't get it out of my head otherwise." Virgil winced as his agitated state caused his breathing to quicken and deepen, producing more pain with every breath. His tirade continued. "Because if I don't, it doesn't go away. Do you think it's relaxing when you end up with something like this?" His face crumpled as he waved the picture in front of Scott again. "Or this?" He flicked the page back as another one took its place. All the time, his breathing becoming more and more troubled. "I hate it!" He exclaimed as he tore at the pages of the book, screwing them up and frantically tearing them. "I hate all of it!"
Scott looked on in alarm as his brother vehemently tore the pages one by one, from the hard back book. Destroying the sketches inside and becoming more and more hysterical with every page.
For a few seconds, Scott could do nothing but watch the frenzied display in pure shock. His calm, confident and composed brother. His brother who had always been the very epitome of togetherness, level headed and imperturbable was losing it, right in front of his very eyes.
Finally, he found his tongue.
"Virgil, stop it!" He frowned as he steadily made his way closer. "I know you're upset but you've got to calm down!" This time he fully intended his tone to be pleading, he was beginning to get seriously worried about his brother's haggard breathing. "Virgil! Please, listen to me, calm down!"
He realised his pleading didn't seem to be getting anywhere and decided on a more direct plan of action. "Virgil stop this!" He commanded as he neared his brother. Taking both of Virgil's hands in his own grasp and holding them together at the wrists, he frowned. "Stop it!"
Virgil gasped for breathe for a few minutes, confined by Scott's grasp. He screwed his face up at the unexpected pain he was experiencing, before pushing Scott away with force. "Get off." He shrugged his older brother off; rejecting his attempts at comforting him. Turning away from Scott, he threw the hard back book at the wall. "Just leave me alone Scott, you don't know anything. Just back off!"
"I can't do that." Scott told his brother's back as Virgil went to stand by the balcony doors. "You said you were running away yesterday morning and I'm not about to let you do it again."
Virgil turned to face him. "Gee, that's real big of you Scott." He muttered sarcastically, before turning back to the balcony and stepping towards the open doors. "Listen at yourself." He scoffed. "You should try working out your own problems before you preach to me."
"Don't you see? I'm trying to help, I'm not preaching …" Scott was cut off by Virgil's ironic, forced laughter.
"You don't get it, do you?" The younger man scoffed again. "Do I have to spell it out to you? I will if I have to. I don't need your help! I'm not the same little twelve year old that you used to tuck up in bed Scott. I've moved on from that!" He scoffed another ironic laugh. "You have spent the last God knows how long telling Alan to grow up. But it's not Alan that needs to grow up and accept change, is it? It's you!"
"Virgil…" Scott's tone became reminiscent of a warning. "I know you're upset, but you're treading on very thin ice."
Virgil carried on regardless. He'd gone too far to stop now. "You're the one that doesn't want any of them to grow up. When are you going to get it through your thick head that they're not kids any more? None of us are." Scott's nostrils flared at his brothers words. "You act as if you're some kind of martyr…"
"Don't you dare …" Scott fumed. The fire barely contained in his eyes. His limbs began to shake with fury and his jaw firmed.
"No!" Virgil exclaimed. "Don't you dare! The only reason you insist on going around telling Alan that he needs to grow up and ticking Gordon off for playing stupid jokes is because you're scared! You're scared that they won't need you. That's what this is about; you don't want things to change because you're afraid that the day will come when they don't need you to mother them any more!" Virgil paused, desperately struggling to breathe now. "Well, you're too late Scott. They are adults and it's about time you realised that!"
"How dare you… " Scott growled. "You are one selfish, ungrateful little…" He shook his head, anger building further with every word.
"No!" Virgil returned. "I'm not ungrateful and I'm not selfish. You might have been the martyr but I was the dogsbody at your side! The difference is I'm not hanging on to the past! You… you just can't let go!" Virgil shook his head, realising this was going too far but unable to stop the flow of words leaving his mouth. "You're the selfish one! You're the one that can't bear to entertain the notion that they're growing up! You can't even see what's happening right in front of your nose!"
"Oh yeah!" Scott retorted. "And what's that Virg?" His words were tinged with sarcasm, and menace.
"Can't you see what you're doing? Alan's frustrated at the way you fuss over him and try to protect him from things he wants to experience. He thinks you don't trust him and that you expect him to fail at everything. You're pushing him away. And not just him either, your pushing all of them away, me included!"
Scott chortled a laugh. "From where I'm stood it's not me doing all the pushing!"
"That's just it!" Virgil exclaimed. "You can't even see you're doing it! They're tired of you forcing your moral guidance on them Scott, and frankly, so am I! If you don't give them a break, and stop acting like you can save the world… Well eventually they're really going to hate you for making them feel so suffocated." Virgil stopped to catch his breath; it was a brief respite. "They understand it's not easy, but …"
"And I guess you know all this because you're just the perfect big brother." Scott cut him off. "You have no idea what it was like for me." He glared. "What it still is like for me."
"Yes I do!" Virgil disagreed. "I know, because I was there too. You're just so wrapped up in your own self-importance that you prefer to forget that. And no, I'm not perfect but I don't pretend to be! And I can certainly open my eyes and see what's happening beyond the edge of my nose!"
He watched Scott shake his head from side to side. Beginning to pace the small space between them in denial. "Yeah, that's it Scott you deny it!" Scott's head snapped up accusingly, to which Virgil replied. "What? You don't like it?" He asked rhetorically. "Well they say the truth hurts, don't they?" Virgil suddenly laughed ironically. "Tell me something, how do you do it? Huh?" Virgil frowned as he struggled to get the oxygen he needed. He carried on regardless. Deep down, he knew this wasn't coming out right and that there were other, more tactful ways to put his view across. However right now, his frustration and anger were taking over; unfortunately heading in Scott's direction.
"You weren't even in the car and yet here we are arguing about your attitude, your response and your inability to move on! Congratulations Scott, you've successfully made this whole weekends all about you! It always has to be about you doesn't it? You're not bothered about the fact that I'm hurting inside." Virgil accused. "All your worried about is how it makes you feel when I'm not willing to talk to you about it! I'll bet the not knowing is killing you, huh Scott? Now who's the selfish one?" Scott opened his mouth to retort, something along the lines of just how much he knew. Luckily, John's words came back to haunt him and he stopped himself, before he could reveal to Virgil that he knew the truth all right. "You need to grow up Scott, and face facts. They might not have the balls to tell you but I sure as hell have!"
"Oh so what?" Scott exclaimed. "Now they're scared of me too?"
"No." Virgil screwed his face up. "They're not scared of you! They just don't want to hurt you."
"But you do want to hurt me? Is that what this is really about?" Scott theorised. "You're lashing out because you want me to feel as bad as you do?"
"No, don't be ridiculous! I don't want to hurt you either. Which is why I'm saying this now and not in five years time when it's too late. I'm giving you the chance to do something about it." He took a few moments to gasp in some air. "I know it's not easy being the eldest but you've got to let go Scott!"
"Like you'd know." Scott growled. "You never had the same responsibility." He said accusingly.
"I did more than my share." Virgil snapped back. "You can't control them forever."
"I'm not trying to control them!" Scott exclaimed in protest.
"Yes you are. You're trying to force them into being the children they were for you. So as you can feel in control and as if you have a place. You fit into their lives that way, but their lives have changed, Scott. They've all been away at college just like you and me, and they've all developed into adults in that time. They don't need some supreme ethical protector hovering over them anymore! Even Gordon'd grown up a hell of a lot when he came back from his training. I don't get why you can't understand that; it's not as if you haven't been through it."
"I understand that they've grown up. But that doesn't affect the fact that they're all still my little brothers, you included. And that isn't ever going to change." Scott snarled.
"No, you don't understand!" Virgil raised his hands in frustration. "If you did then you wouldn't expect them to keep running to you with their problems. They can deal with things on their own; they've had to! They don't need you holding their hands, and neither do I! They're men now, they can handle themselves and you can't keep them wrapped up in cotton wool for the rest of their lives! No matter how scared you are about losing control, because that's what this is really about."
"You know what? I've managed perfectly alright for the last God knows how many years, without your precious damned opinion." Scott returned angrily.
"No, you don't like it because it's the truth and you know it. You're a control freak and you're in control when you know how they're going to react. You know how to deal with it and that's fine. You need to know that they rely on your help, that you're indispensable. You're not! They don't rely on you anymore, not now. And that Scott, that's what's tearing you up! " Virgil paused for air once more. "The sooner you get that through your thick head the better."
Scott shook his head in denial, sighing. "You're doing this on purpose. You think by telling me all this, I'm going to get angry and storm off. Well, I'm not." Scott missed the point entirely. "I'm here for the duration Virg, I'm not going anyway. Whatever you say."
Virgil growled in frustration." For crying out loud!" He exclaimed as he navigated his way passed the sofa. "I don't know why I bother! You don't deserve it!" He pointed a finger in Scott's direction. "You are so pig headed and arrogant sometimes, I struggle to believe we're related."
"Pig headed and arrogant?" Scott looked the chestnut haired man up and down. "No," He responded sarcastically. "We're definitely related."
"Y'know what Scott? I give up!" Virgil exclaimed. "If you're so damned conceited and caught up in your own portentousness to see what's going on around you. Far be it for me to point it out!" He began to walk away, gasping for air. The argument and the sudden movement were taking their toll and he could feel his chest becoming tight again. Breathing was becoming increasingly difficult under the stress and he could feel himself wheezing like an old man.
"Don't you walk away from me, Virgil!" Scott called. "I'm not finished here. You can't just say things like that and then walk away! I don't know why you're making this so difficult for the both of us! I'm trying to help you. Why the hell won't you just let me?" The dark haired man took a few fatal steps towards where his brother had stopped in his tracks at the tone Scott used.
Turning his head in Scott's direction but moving neither his gaze nor his body in his brother's direction. Virgil replied. "You want to know why? I don't deserve it and you certainly don't deserve my help, you selfish son of a bitch!" He swallowed, his heart beat echoing in his ears. "I don't want your help or your support. I didn't ask for it and I sure as hell don't need it." His tone was menacing and his voice dangerously low, betraying his difficulty in controlling it. "So why don't you just break the habit of a lifetime, Scott, and stop interfering where you're not wanted. Just butt out and leave me alone. Go to hell!" Virgil growled as his nostrils flared and he tried to control his breathing, with some difficulty.
"Is that what you think?" Scott growled as he advanced on his brother. "Don't you dare speak to me like that!" Scott raged. "And don't walk away from me!" He took a few quick paces to reach his brother as Virgil slowly made it to the balcony doors. "Don't you dare turn your back on me! Don't take another step! You come back here now!" Ignoring Scott's irate commands, Virgil took a step out onto the stone floor. "Don't ignore me, answer me!" Scott's temper raged.
Coming from this particular brother the words they'd just exchanged stung more than anything Scott had ever felt. Worse, was the knowledge that though Virgil was angry and upset, he was also predominantly right. Nothing could quell the anger Scott felt in that moment; most of it directed at himself. Just like he couldn't accept what Virgil had said even though he had a point. Neither could he couldn't accept that he was being pushed away, even though it was happening right in front of him. What got to him the most was the fact that, had it been anyone else he wouldn't have cared. It wasn't anyone else though. All this came from the very person that he cared most about in the world, his closest friend and sole confidant. He could do nothing but feel the anger build; anger processed from self-reproach and a sudden unwelcome comprehension.
In some respects, this weekend had been as tough for him as it had Virgil and Alan. Unfortunately, it was all coming to the fore now; anger, frustration, desperation and a feeling of helplessness as he watched everything spiralling out of his control. It was the intensity of these feelings coupled with his own insurmountable rage, which led him to take those few fatal steps in his brother's direction.
His temper took over and without thinking; he reached out and took a hold of his brother's wrist. Wrenching it harshly and holding onto it tightly to prevent Virgil's escape.
"I said answer me, damn it!" He yelled as he shook Virgil's arm, yanking hard on the limb as if he could get a reply by sheer force. Scott's eyes burned furiously and his whole body became tense. His temper overrode any conscious thought and he lashed out in the worst possible way.
"Argh!" Virgil screamed out in pain as he made a grab for his ribs. His whole upper body became alive with the agony that Scott's aggressive movement had caused to spread through his chest. He felt the room spin slightly. The excruciating pain took him to the ends of his endurance and his legs threatened to buckle beneath him. He reached out for something to support him as he doubled over, the pain bringing tears to his eye.
He could hear, somewhere in the distance, his brother's frantic apologising but his vision was clouding and the sound was already warped.
"Virgil! I didn't mean… Oh my God! I'm sorry."
Every muscle in Virgil's abused body had become tort, his breathing laboured and heavy. Fiery agony shot through his chest causing tears to blot his cheeks. He grabbed onto something, though unsure of what it was, in order to stop himself from falling. The intense throbbing pain in his chest only increased though, overwhelming him. His elbows and knees buckled under the pressure.
After an unexpected lurch, a falling sensation overcame him and he slipped from Scott's devastated grip. He hit the ground with a sudden jolt and the agony in his chest promptly exploded, consuming him. No longer containable in his chest; it mercilessly ripped through every muscle in his body.
He had long since stopped paying attention to his surroundings and failed to hear Scott's frantic calls to him to stay awake. Instead, his vision misted and Scott's words became faint and distorted. As he gratefully accepted the sudden, blissful nonentity that was fast surrounding him.