Authors Note; Dah, dah… My sincerest apologies for the wait on this chapter. Real life is really taking precedence at the minute, so my editing is taking a bit of a back seat. I did try to put this up on Friday but the site wasn't playing ball. Thanks to all those who commented on the last chapter, it's these last few that I'm the most apprehensive about. Apologies again for the delay, I can only hope it's worth the wait.

Chapter Eighteen – Elusion

A little big brotherly TLC could go a long way.

It was with that last thought in mind that he reached out to his brother.

Virgil's head had slumped forward causing the hair that had matted to his forehead earlier, to flop into his closed eyes. Scott reached a hand out to remove the inconsequential strands of chestnut, a sombre frown of woe betraying his features. He was surprised when Virgil's eyes opened and pulled his hand away sharply, as if the touch had somehow scalded him. The mattress wobbled under the sudden change in his weight distribution.

"Sorry." He apologised awkwardly. Looking down to his lap, he fiddled with his hands. Too embarrassed to look up at his brother. "I thought you were asleep."

Virgil shook his head, swallowing against the uncomfortable atmosphere that seemed to have settled around them. "No, just resting my eyes." There was a long pause before he spoke again; trying to fill the discomfiture they'd lapsed into. It was not a feeling he was used to experiencing with Scott. "Where's Dad?" He glanced around the room, expecting to spy his father.

"I convinced him to go for a drink with Charlie." Scott's tone remained low and unsteady. There was an uncertainty about him that he rarely revealed. Scott was confident at all times. Even if he didn't really feel it, he'd pretend to be. Right now though, there was a nervousness about him, which made Virgil apprehensive too.

"How did you manage that?" Virgil asked in admiration. "The way he came in here, I didn't think wild horses would have moved him."

Scott smiled, albeit briefly. "Yeah well, I think he wanted to quiz Charlie about this Dr Williams. He's concerned that if he'd done his job properly none of this would have happened."

Virgil groaned in exasperation. "I wish he'd just leave it. Does it really matter now? I haven't dropped down…" He trailed off with regard to recent events. "I'm still here. He heard what Charlie said. It doesn't take a genius to figure where his loyalties lie when it comes down to Emergency Departments." Virgil sighed, shaking his head and pausing for a few minutes. "Still didn't think you'd get rid of him that quick though…" He frowned, looking up to Scott suspiciously. He knew his father well enough to realise that it would have taken a hell of a lot of persuasion on Scott's part to convince him to leave.

Scott shrugged. "Oh, he'll be back. I'd bet my inheritance on it. Besides, it wasn't just Charlie." That last sentence just confirmed what Virgil had already known. He frowned, waiting silently for Scott to explain further. "I…" Scott hesitated. "I told him I needed to talk to you … alone."

Virgil's frown deepened. "Scott, I told you. We'll talk about this later."

"No." Scott shook his head. "Not later… Now." Virgil felt the mattress shift again as Scott fiddled uncomfortably. "Virg… I…" He took a deep breath, biting the bullet. "Virgil, I owe you an apology." The sincerity held in the words was by far enough to convey his remorse. However, when Virgil met his gaze, the guilt and shame harboured in his eyes was equally crushing, if not more so. "I don't know what I was thinking…" Scott tried to explain. "I wasn't thinking. I just…"

"It's okay." Virgil murmured, hoping to end Scott's obvious distress. "You've apologised and I've apologised. Let's just forget it."

"No, it's not okay." The fire with which that reply would usually be threaded, was ominously lacking. Scott bowed his head, the disgrace he felt not allowing him to face his brother. "I just felt so angry Virg." He shook his head, a heavy, mournful sigh breaking through. "Not anger at you…" He thought about that comment, remembering the hot surge of rage that he'd succumbed to. "Maybe a little at you, but mostly at me. I let that anger get the better of me and I shouldn't have." He admitted regretfully. "I should never have hit out like that and I'm sorry I hurt you." He paused sincerely. "I would never hurt you, you know that."

"Of course I know that." Virgil said adamantly. "And whose fault was it that you were angry anyway?" He didn't wait for an answer. "Mine. I made you angry, I was the one who kept pushing and pushing." Virgil stopped, shaking his head. "Scott, if I'd told you how much I was hurting, you would never have reached out to me like that. You know that as well as I do."

"Do I?" Scott's reply came immediately. "I'm not so sure about that Virg. I doubt even if I'd known, it would have stopped me. In that moment, I just didn't think about what I was doing. My brain wasn't even functioning."

Virgil was shaking his head. He resisted making a sarcastic comment about Scott's brain function; this wasn't the time or the place. "It wasn't your fault I passed out." He said adamantly. Scott opened his mouth to respond but Virgil carried on quickly. "No, hear me out first!" He held up a hand to silence his brother. "It was my fault I felt so bad, I would've passed out anyway. I should have seen a Doctor long before it came to this. I knew I wasn't right and I've been ignoring it. I was too stubborn to admit I couldn't handle the pain and that I'd pushed myself too hard yesterday." He paused to meet Scott's gaze, already challenging him. "I've been an idiot, Scott."

"If I hadn't pulled on your arm like that you'd never have passed out." Scott frowned, still arguing.

"And if I hadn't made you so angry, you would never have pulled on my arm like that." Virgil argued with a smile.

"No," Scott shook his head. "That's not the point; I should never have lashed out." He closed his eyes, sighing.

"You want me to tell you the point?" Virgil hesitated when Scott made no effort to acknowledge the comment. "Scott, look at me." Scott complied, facing Virgil with those anguished and devastated eyes again. "The point is we were both out of line. And, arguing about which one of was most at fault, isn't getting us anywhere."

Scott frowned at that. He shook his head to indicate his confusion and opened his mouth to respond. Virgil however gave him no such opportunity.

"Scott, I said a whole lot of things earlier that I shouldn't of. If anyone should be apologising, it's me." He paused for a moment. "I know it must have hurt you a lot to hear those words. Especially coming from me." He was sure to catch Scott's gaze. "I'm the one that's sorry." He said sincerely.

Brown eyes met blue, in an effort to convey through their depths just how sorry he was.

Scott was the one to break the fix, looking away and shaking his head. "You don't have to apologise for telling me the truth, Virg. Let's face it, I had it coming." He shook his head morosely. "I deserved it."

Virgil shook his head in disagreement yet again. "No." He stopped. "No, you didn't deserve to hear that."

"Why?" Scott frowned, irritably. He was beginning to tire of this discussion over blame. "Everything you said was true."

Virgil matched his frown, equally tired of Scott taking the sole blame. "It should never have come out like that. Stop trying to shoulder the blame for everything. It was my fault too Scott, I'm big and ugly enough to take responsibility for myself now. Isn't that what this has been all about?"

Scott seemed to ignore the question. "I'm not trying to shoulder the blame; it was my fault…"

"For the last time, it wasn't your fault!" Virgil exclaimed, taking a few minutes to catch his breath. The frustration and irritation in his tone wasn't unnoticed and Scott sat back to look at him, surprised. "This is exactly what I was saying; you can't keep doing this. Not everything that goes wrong in this world is your fault Scott. Don't you think taking responsibility for your own actions is enough?"

"And that's what I'm doing…"

"No, what you're doing is trying to project the blame solely onto you. Just like when we were kids!" Virgil paused to sigh. The deep breath sent a shooting pain through his chest. He closed his eyes for a few moments, trying to steady his breathing.

"Are you alright?" Scott's concerned filled voice penetrated his thinking. When he finally opened his eyes, he was unsurprised that Scott was staring anxiously at him.

"Yeah, just … Just hurts that's all." Virgil admitted. He felt he'd just leaped a hurdle in that confession; opting out of telling Scott he was fine when he wasn't. Not admitting how bad he was feeling had been half the problem this weekend.

"Can I do anything?" Scott sat forward anxiously, awaiting some kind of response.

Virgil shook his head. "No, it'll be fine in a minute."

Scott sat back, hanging his head and feeling deflated. "I'm sorry," He apologised morosely. "Charlie said no extra stress, I didn't mean to hassle you." He evidently felt responsible.

Virgil watched him for a few seconds as he tried to ride out the discomfort. Scott's head remained lowered and his face hidden. However, his body language alone told Virgil that he was devastated. Devastated by his actions, devastated by Virgil's words and devastated by the reality. He fiddled with his fingers repentantly and hid his face, afraid that Virgil would see just how upset he was.

"We were just talking." Virgil watched him but he still looked down to his hands. "Scott?" Scott still made no effort to look up. Virgil saw him swallow two or three times before he tried again. "Scott, don't beat yourself up about this, we're both guilty of…"

"I'll go and fetch you some ice." Scott got to his feet quickly. He didn't look at Virgil as he crossed the short distance to the bathroom. He'd gone before the younger man really registered he'd moved.

As he disappeared inside, Virgil sighed again and let his head rest back on the pillows. He mused that running away had gotten him in to this mess, the last thing he needed was Scott doing the same thing.

The minutes passed by slowly and Virgil frequently contemplated attempting to go after his brother. However, he knew that ice had nothing to do with the reason for Scott's rapid exit. For the sake of his brother's pride, he waited patiently.

Sure enough after a few minutes, Scott could be heard in the Kitchenette. He returned with the same make shift ice packs he had yesterday. "Sorry," He smiled, as he laid them against Virgil's chest. "I couldn't find a towel." Scott went to great pains to look everywhere but actually at his brother. Finally, he sat back. Unable to avoid it any longer; their eyes locked together in an exchange that just proved to Virgil he was lying.

"Thanks." The younger man muttered, volunteering to be the one to break the knowing quiet. "About what I was saying…" He still wasn't prepared to let it drop.

Scott cut him off with a shake of the head. "I don't think we should talk about it. Not if it's going to make you sick." He said firmly. "I think I've done enough of that already."

"Don't." Virgil sympathised with the guilt he knew Scott must be feeling but he wasn't prepared to let him stew. "No way," He replied steadfastly. "No way am I going to sit back and watch you tear strips off yourself for this." He sighed again, a little softer. "Scott, I never meant for it to come out like that. What I said was unfair and yeah, maybe some of it was true, but not all of it. I was frustrated and I was hurting, and … and it all came out wrong." He bit his top lip.

"Does it really matter how it came out?" Scott shrugged. "The fact is you were right."

"No I wasn't." Virgil frowned. "Scott you're not selfish, you're one of the most selfless people I know. Think about all you did for us when we were kids. You've never asked for anything in return, that's not the act of a selfish person."

"You were right though, it wasn't just me. And sometimes I forget what you gave up too. I know it's never been easy for you, growing up in my shadow." Scott sighed, genuinely regretful. "But you were right by my side the whole time and I couldn't have done it without you."

Virgil was shaking his head already. "Of course you could. It wasn't me helping Dad with Al and Gordy. Or holding John, night after night when he cried himself to sleep."

"No," Scott agreed. "You were the one holding me, night after night, when I cried myself to sleep."

There was no reply to that and for a few seconds both of them sat in contemplative silence. Remembering and trying to forget all at the same time. The few seconds rolled into minutes of quiet reflection.

"Even so…" Virgil began. "I can never know how hard it was for you Scott, not really."

"Yeah you do." Scott sighed, raising his eyes to meet Virgil's. "You know alright, because you were there." He paused, sniffing. "You knew then and you know now." He scoffed a laugh. "You always know. In fact, sometimes you know better than I do." He smiled briefly, Virgil returned the gesture but Scott paused glumly. "You knew earlier too, and you were right. I am selfish because I…" He hesitated. Virgil thought he saw his brother's lips begin to tremble but Scott bit them together, hard. After a few seconds, he continued. "Because I can't move on, I can't let go."

"Scott…" Virgil's attempt to stop him was ignored completely.

"And you're right, I am scared." Scott admitted, looking up to his brother and awaiting a reaction.

"I just told you you're not…" Virgil stopped himself. He processed Scott's words slowly; shocked to hear such an overt confession from his brother. His brother who denied experiencing fear, even when Virgil knew perfectly well he was afraid. His brother who guarded his feelings so closely and carefully. Who barely allowed even Virgil to comprehend his deepest thoughts at times. Virgil's head snapped up to look Scott in the eye. For a few moments, he could see the despair those words told of reflected in the pools of blue. "What of?" He frowned, unsure how Scott would respond.

Scott just shrugged. "Lots of things." He paused. "Everything you said before; that they won't need me anymore, losing control, what else I'll lose as things change…" He trailed off. "Everything."

"They'll always need you, we all will." Virgil assured him immediately. The authenticity of his words could never be questioned.

"Yeah but in what context?" Virgil's words didn't seem to have the desired effect. Scott's deflated tone continued. "I've always been more than just a big brother to Alan and Gordon, even John sometimes. I mean, I held Alan when he was a baby. I fed him, I rocked him to sleep in my arms." He paused to allow a wistful smile to play on his lips. "I was more like a second father to him when he was growing up. I don't know if I can go back to just being a big brother now." He sighed. "I know that probably sounds pathetic but I don't know how else to explain it. It's like a one way thing. I can't go back now. It'd be like trying to turn an oak tree back into an acorn. Do you understand?"

"Yeah." Virgil nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, I understand and it doesn't sound pathetic at all." Virgil smiled but the creases of empathy were already making an appearance on his forehead. "Scott, you've always walked a very fine like between being the brother that everybody could turn to and the eldest who forever took responsibility. You'll always be important to them and we'll always be grateful for you."

"Virgil…" Scott looked away, shaking his head in embarrassment. "It isn't about being grateful. I didn't do anything anyone else wouldn't have done. I just find it really hard to have played such an important part in their lives and them growing up. Now, it feels like they don't need me anymore." He paused, sniffing. "At the end of the day, I'm just their oldest brother."

"You're so much more than that and you know it." Virgil attempted to assure him. "They do need you Scott." He repeated. "It's just they need you to let them make their own decisions too. They're all adults now; I know sometimes that's hard for us to accept. Especially when Alan and Gordon act like they do, but we have to accept it."

"I can't." Scott sighed. "Deep down I know that and I know I should let them live their own lives, but I just can't Virgil. I have always been responsible for them. When something goes wrong, even now, it's me who has to answer to Dad. He trusts me to look out for them and I try, but I can't if they won't let me. I can't just shake that responsibility off."

"I know that." Virgil conceded. "Dad's always expected too much of you when it comes down to the others. Scott, you can't look out for them forever." Virgil paused. "There comes a time when they're old enough to take responsibility for themselves. You're not accountable for the way Alan or Gordon behaves, they are. They're not teenagers anymore; they're men." He sighed softly. "You're not always going to be there to look out for them."

Scott shrugged. "Maybe that's the problem." He looked mournfully across the room, in contemplation over whether to expand on that. When he looked back to Virgil's raised eyebrows, he realised he had no choice. "Maybe I haven't been there enough, I haven't seen that transformation. When I left for the Air Force, I left you guys behind too. Maybe if I'd stayed things would be different."

Virgil scoffed loudly; making his disagreement known. "Thing's would be different alright!" He exclaimed. "Maybe this, maybe that? What are you talking about? You love it in the Air Force." He stated clearly. He frowned harshly and waved a hand in exasperation for good measure. "Scott, if you hadn't joined up when you did. Where would you be now? In some dead end job that you wouldn't really be wanting to do. You'd have ended up begrudging the others for having a life. Either that or you'd be working for Dad…" Virgil paused for a few moments, imagining the possibilities. "Which would probably be a lot worse…" He smiled, but Scott didn't return the gesture. He waited for a few minutes, giving Scott the chance to comment if he so desired. Evidently he didn't, and Virgil carried on. "Scott, you gave up so much when we were younger. Joining the Air Force, you got your life back. No one resents you for doing that. We've all got our own lives now."

"I know." Scott's expression saddened. "It's just I wonder if … If maybe I deserted them." He said it dreamily, but Virgil could see this line of thinking wasn't a new experience to his brother.

"Scott!" Virgil cried, shaking his head and smirking incredulously. "How can you think that? You couldn't have done any more for all of us. And make no mistake about it, the notion that you deserted any of us is… well, it's damned well ludicrous!" Scott looked up uncertainly at his brother's unmovable expression. "Scott, you've got to do something about this guilt complex. This is a prime example of what you used to do when we were kids." Watching Scott's face cloud with irritation, he continued quickly. "You always find a way to make yourself responsible, even when it's not your fault."

"No I don't." Scott protested.

"Yes you do." Virgil replied flatly. "You're not responsible for them Scott! How many times? They're individuals and they have to make mistakes, that's how they learn. I know it's hard to stand back and let them, but it's what you've got to do. It's not your fault, but it's what we've got to do." He repeated.

"I just don't want them to make the same mistakes I did." Scott admitted sorrowfully.

"You think I do?" Virgil smirked. "I know how hard it is. Believe me, I do." Scott looked up sceptically and Virgil expanded with a sigh. "I feel exactly the same; of course I do. But I know, no matter what I say or do, I won't stop them. I'd rather be here for them when they make mistakes, than them be afraid to admit it, because they know I'm just going to say 'I told you so'."

Scott nodded. "You're right." He paused. "Of course, you're right." He sighed, raising a hand up to rub his face.

"It's a scary thought isn't it?" Virgil mused. "Makes me feel old."

"You're telling me." Scott scoffed. "Everything seemed so simple when we were kids." He shook his head again, reminiscent of their younger days. "At least I knew where I stood then. The older we get, the more blurred the boundaries seem."

"How do you mean?" Virgil frowned, confused by the remark.

Scott shrugged, trying to think of an appropriate example. "Take this weekend, things have changed. Maybe I didn't realise how much before because I haven't been there." He paused for a few moments, thinking more specifically. "After Alan came back from his interview yesterday, Dad was worried about him. He said he'd tried to talk to him in the car but Alan had shrugged him off." Scott paused again. "So I went to talk to him, but he shrugged me off too. It never even crossed my mind that he wouldn't want tell me; that he didn't trust me enough." Scott scoffed. "It was like someone had kicked me in the gut."

Scott looked up, silently assessing Virgil's reaction. He wondered if his brother would take this as a hint and utilise the opportunity to tell the truth. Virgil looked away sharply, feeling no such obligation.

"You're assuming the reason he didn't want to talk was because he didn't trust you." Virgil shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe he just didn't want to talk about it." He suggested. Knowing full well where Scott was intending this conversation was heading. He just wasn't aware of how much his brother knew.

"But he needs to talk about it." Scott pressed.

"Why?" Virgil frowned. "So you can tell him it'll be okay?" The words weren't spoken with half the venom they had been hours earlier. "Scott, I know you'd do anything to change the fact that it was me and him in that car, and not you. Be honest, you feel as though you should be doing something, don't you? That's why you're acting like this. It isn't Alan needing to talk; it's about you needing to listen. To feel as if you've done something." Virgil smiled sympathetically. "I know you Scott."

The older man shrugged. "Maybe." He raised his eyebrows, thinking for a while. "I thought I was helping." He raised his eyebrows mutinously. "But I've just been making things worse, haven't I?"

"You meant well, Scott." Virgil frowned when his older brother laughed at the comment.

"The road to hell's paved with good intentions Virg." He sobered. "You were right; I'm driving them away."

"They understand it's hard for you." Virgil winced at the words. He had no idea how many times he'd said that over the last few hours. It was becoming lame and he knew it. He wished with all his heart he could take back what he said, but the unfortunate reality was that he couldn't. More to the point, he couldn't deny the truth in it.

"This is the last thing I wanted to happen." Scott groaned as he dropped as his head to his hands. He was genuinely upset and at a loss as to what else to say. "I'm supposed to be their big brother."

Virgil smiled askew at the despair in his brother's tone. "And you do a fantastic job. You said yourself; you're more like a surrogate father to Al and Gordy." Virgil knew well enough that the sentiment of necessity Scott craved, stemmed deep down from his own insecurities. Insecurities that had developed with the disproportionate sense of responsibility that had been thrust on Scott at such a young age. "Scott y'know, what I said about you making this weekend all about you. I didn't mean it."

"But I have." Scott stated, mulishly. "I have made it all about me. What hurt the most was that you were shutting me out." He shook his head, this time in desperation. "Not that you'd been through this …" He waved a hand, unsure how exactly to describe the weekend they'd endured. Secretly, he didn't think there were adequate words. "And it should have been. I was being selfish." He concluded.

Virgil sighed. "I know it must have hurt, that I didn't…"

"Come running to me for a shoulder to cry on?" Scott couldn't help but repeat Virgil's own words.

The younger man cringed. "I wasn't going to say that, but yeah, that I didn't talk to you. This has affected all of us, not just me and Al." Virgil told him. He frowned at his brother's despondency. "Scott, you were right in what you said. I don't normally deal with things like this and maybe a part of me was lashing out. I didn't intentionally hurt you but… I could have found a more tactful way of saying some of the things I did."

Scott laughed. "This makes a change; I'm usually the one with no tact." He smiled.

"I know this isn't going to change how you feel about not being the one in that car. Or how you feel about needing to be in control but…" Virgil paused. Sudden outbursts of emotion weren't something he was prone to. "Y'know, we appreciate everything you do for us Scott, all of us. The kids worship you, John included."

Scott noted the way Virgil had excluded himself. "What about you? Are you still mad with me after all this?"

Virgil smiled warmly. "I'm not mad with you." He sighed, unsure how to articulate what he wanted to say. "I respect you and I value you." He looked away. Knowing Scott wasn't entirely comfortable with this subject just increased his own feeling of unease.

Scott smiled awry. "Thanks Virg." He muttered softly.

For a few seconds a silence descended on them. Virgil found himself watching Scott, who remained deep in thought.

Virgil coughed, clearing his throat as well as the atmosphere. "So…" He smirked. "What did you tell Charlie?"

"Hmm?" Scott frowned. Having been jolted from his thoughts, he struggled to comprehend what Virgil was talking about. "What do you mean, you heard what I said?"

"Come on Scott!" Virgil shook his head, perturbed with his brother. "You practically dragged him out the room. It was obvious you didn't want Dad or me to hear it."

Scott refused to meet his brother's gaze and opted for shaking his head instead. "I was just trying to get him to take Dad for a drink, that's all." He met Virgil's suspicious gaze briefly, before swallowing and looking away. "He's been real stressed just lately; I thought he could do with a break."

Virgil watched the way his eyes continuously flickered down and how frequently he blinked. Sure signs he was lying. "You never can lie to me Scott." Virgil said categorically. He waited for Scott to look at him, before continuing sincerely. "It's my lungs that aren't working properly, not my brain."

"I was worried." Scott admitted. "I just wanted to check that you were really okay."

"Did you tell him… about… about the sketchbook? About what I did…" He trailed off, struggling to vocalise the question. He looked about the room uncomfortably. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Scott hesitate before nodding slowly. "And what…" He trailed off once more with a sigh. "What did he say?" He took the bull by the horns and just asked.

Scott matched his heavy sigh, looking down to his hands as he spoke. "That you'd been through hell and that it was to be expected." He could feel Virgil's eyes on him and resisted the temptation to glance up at his brother. "I've never seen you so angry." He paused, steeling himself to look Virgil in the eye. "You really scared me." He admitted cautiously. The words were reaffirmed by the emotions that played inside him, so clearly for Virgil to read.

Virgil attempted to lighten the dark atmosphere. "I scared you? I scared me!" He exclaimed with a sad smile. "I don't know what came over me, I just… I just lost it."

"Guess we're both guilty of that then." Scott mused.

"Yeah." Virgil smiled. "Guess so."

"Virgil," Scott began. "You don't have to do this on your own…"

"Scott please," Virgil spoke over him, indicating for him not to continue. He paused for a few minutes, before changing the subject. "I know I scared you. I could see it your eyes then, just like I can now and I'm sorry. But you should have spoken to me before you went to an outsider. Charlie's probably going to tell Dad now and then …"

"No." Scott shook his head. "I asked Charlie's medical opinion. I trust him, he won't say anything to Dad, believe me."

"Scott, he and Dad go back years!" Virgil shook his head too, clearly not believing Scott. "He's bound to say something."

"No he won't." Scott repeated. "You're being ridiculous, what I said to Charlie was confidential." He sighed, running a hand over his face. "And you made it perfectly clear you didn't want to talk about it! What did you expect me to do? Would you rather I'd spoken to Father?" Scott sat back with an irritated sigh.

"I don't want to argue." Virgil replied softly, in response to his brother's antagonistic tone.

Scott sighed again, shaking his head. "Me neither, I'm sorry." A few seconds passed before he went on. "I'm just concerned that ..."

"I'm going crazy?" Virgil asked before he could finish the sentence.

"No." Scott denied immediately, shaking his head to affirm the fact.

"Good, because I'm not." Virgil replied succinctly.

Scott heaved in a heavy sigh, blowing the air out slowly. "Do you have any idea how worried I am about you?"

The desperation his tone of voice told of, caused Virgil to glance up at him. He thought about that comment long and hard before replying. Of course he knew Scott was worried about him, and of course he knew how much. The words themselves would have been difficult for his older brother to admit to. That was evidence enough as to the extent of Scott's concern.

"Well don't be. You're acting as if I'm having some kind of breakdown or something. I told you, I'm fine."

"Virgil, I know you. Almost as well as you know me." Scott sighed again. "You're not fine." He ran a hand through this hair thoughtfully. "You don't explode like that, not without good reason."

Virgil glared at him. "Don't tell me what I do or don't do. If I want to scream and shout, and rip a thousand damn sketchpads to pieces, I will." He swallowed, making a new effort to calm down. "Look Scott, I lost control, okay? You said yourself; we're both guilty of that." He hoped those words would be the end of the matter.

Scott agreed wholeheartedly; they were definitely both guilty of that. However, the image of Virgil frantically ripping the hardback book to pieces still lingered in his mind. He didn't really want to leave it there.

"It's just…" Scott hesitated. He wished he could turn back the clock and do things differently. Prevent this awkward conversation ever being necessary. "You've always been the strong one." Virgil looked as if he were about to disagree, but Scott didn't give him the chance. "It's true. Without you, I wouldn't have made it this far. Virgil, you're always so … together. To see you lose it like that… Well, I guess it shook me up too." He met his brother's gaze. "In all our lives, I've never, ever seen you like that before."

Scott found himself becoming irritated by Virgil's response of a barked laugh. "I've never seen me like that either!" The younger man smiled, but it soon dropped when he realised Scott was far from amused. "I'm sorry." He added sincerely. "I'm sorry that I frightened you." Scott opened his mouth to rebuke that comment but then stopped himself; it was true. "It all got to me."

"What all got to you?" Scott asked quickly. Virgil looked up at him to see the fire of inquisition still burning brightly in his eyes. Telling him that he would be lucky to escape this conversation without Scott finding out the truth.

Virgil shrugged, looking away. "Y'know, this weekend. Everything." Scott couldn't hide the disappointment. He had hoped Virgil would take this second chance to tell him the truth but it was becoming increasingly obvious that his brother had no inclination to reveal all. Just like Alan had yesterday, he was about to push Scott away. "I promise you Scott, the first time I feel the slightest inkling to throw myself of that balcony; you'll be the first to know."

"That's not funny." Scott chastised. "Is it any wonder I worry, when you come out with comments like that?"

"Sorry." Virgil repeated. "I'm dealing with this my own way Scott." He paused, to take in a deep breath and blow it out slowly. "You don't understand, you can't, so trust me; it's for the best."

Scott saw his opportunity and took it with both hands. "No, I don't understand, but I could. If you'd just talk to me Virgil." Scott waited for his younger brother to face him again. "Tell me." His tone of voice matched the pleading and desperation in his eyes. For a second, as he looked deep into those coffee coloured pools of revelation, he thought he'd finally gotten through to his brother. He thought Virgil was about to reveal all, just as he had with Alan. And just as he had with been with Alan, he was sadly mistaken.

"I can't." Virgil mumbled. "Trust me Scott, it's better this way. If I could, I would but …" He closed his eyes, his tongue running over his bottom lip. "Please try and accept that I have to deal with this on my own." He mused as to why Scott couldn't just leave it and save himself the very pain Virgil was trying to protect him from. Little did he know the pain his older brother was already experiencing.

"No, you don't." Scott shook his head, grasping at what was left of the possibility of a breakthrough.

"Yes, I do." Virgil snapped. His tone adamant and unyielding. "I've accepted that and now you have to as well, just like you have to accept that we're all adults now."

Somewhat saddened at Virgil's lack of willingness to confide in him, Scott nodded mutely. Disheartened, he forced himself to recall John's words about his brother's privacy, before he revealed that he already knew the truth. "Okay." He gritted out. "It doesn't mean I'm not going to worry though …" Scott hesitated. He tried not to let his despair show and continued to speak through gritted teeth. "About both of you. I can't help it, you're my brothers." He paused again, fighting to control his own emotions. Virgil's rejection was twisting the knife Alan's comments had forced into his gut. "I don't mean to be so pushy or controlling. It's only because I care."

"Oh Scott." Virgil sighed. He wrongly assumed the raw and emotional display before him was a direct result of the home truths he'd told his brother. "We know you care, but you can't control them. It's harder for you because of the responsibility you had when we were kids, I know that. And I know, deep down, you're afraid that you can't control what you're going to lose as things change. Nevertheless burying your head in the sand and ignoring it's happening, isn't the answer. I understand you're under a lot more pressure than any of the rest of us…" He stopped when Scott laughed suddenly. "What?"

Scott grinned, another deflection for the hurt inside. "Gordon said exactly the same thing." Virgil frowned and he explained further. "He was mad with me after the way I spoke to him the night of the crash. I went to apologise."

Virgil raised an eyebrow. "You apologised?" He asked incredulously.

"Don't sound so surprised." Scott told him, exasperatedly. "I do apologise when I'm wrong." He paused for a few seconds, before a grin crept across his lips. "I'm just not wrong very often. That's not the point, I went to talk to him and I expected him to blow up at me. But he was so mature about it, he said he understood."

"They do understand. Don't forget both Gordon and John are big brothers too. And then there's me; you're not the only big brother in this family."

Scott smirked morosely. "Yeah well, it's a good job it's not just me. Huh? You're doing a better job than I am at the minute."

"Don't say that." Virgil frowned. "No one could have asked for a better brother than you."

Scott laughed bitterly. "I appreciate the sentiment Virg but just lately, I haven't been a very good brother at all."

Virgil shook his head. "Yes you have. Scott the way you've gone about it, might not have been ideal but you're right. Both Al and me, we need to deal with this. It's about time we stopped running away from it. Seems every time I try, I just succeed in hurting myself."

"I thought you'd given up after last time, not enough energy if I remember correctly." Scott watched Virgil carefully, unsure how his brother would respond to the cryptic but gentle persuasion.

"Well I should have done." Virgil responded. "But sometimes, knowing what you've got to do and actually doing it, don't follow." He breathed in shakily, his lungs expanding fully but not without a twinge of pain. "And even if it does, it doesn't mean it's easy."

"Hell Virgil, that's what I'm here for; to help." Scott said gently.

"I know." Virgil conceded. "I'm sorry for the way things have been this weekend."

"Me too." Scott bowed his head. "Part of my wishes the whole thing had never happened. And then another part me says I needed it." He looked up to Virgil's puzzled expression before he continued. "I needed to hear what you said, before I made a complete hash of my relationships with my younger brothers. Al, Gordy and John; they've all tried to tell me over this weekend in their own ways, but I've just been too darned ignorant to notice."

"What do you mean?"

"John told me not to push you too hard. He said I should respect your privacy and let you deal with it how you wanted to. But I still came up here and pushed you into a conversation you weren't ready for." Scott sighed once more. He lifted a hand to his face, rubbing at his tired, sore eyes.

"Who says I'm not ready for it?" Virgil's eyes met his in an act of defiance. "Maybe I need pushing sometimes."

"There's a difference between pushing and prying though." Scott pointed out, skirting around the issue of the sketchbook.

Virgil knew where the conversation was heading. "Yeah well prying's going too far."

"Sorry," Scott bowed his head.

"Stop apologising." Virgil smiled. "We're both guilty of overstepping the mark, forget it." Scott nodded.

"It's not just John is it?" Virgil asked after a short pause, astute as ever.

"No." Scott admitted. "Though I never realised how perceptive he was. There's Gordon, he's really grown up. Y'know, the way he spoke to me, I could have easily taken a lecture from him."

Virgil smirked suddenly. "Yeah, I think being responsible for his own men has really changed his attitude." He put forward.

"I think you're right." Scott agreed sombrely. "And then there's Al." Scott let out a long, heavy sigh. "I thought I knew him but I don't know anything. I never knew what he really thought, how he really felt… Y'know what makes it worse?" He didn't wait for any sort of answer. "I should've known. The signs were all there; John telling me not push it, Gordy trying to take care of Al. I can't believe I've been so stupid. Even when I heard what Alan said in the car, about me thinking he was arrogant, it still didn't click." He shook his head.

"Don't be so hard on yourself." Virgil sighed. "Al was under a lot of pressure in the car, he didn't mean…" Virgil's face suddenly dropped as he trailed off. He turned wide, horror stricken eyes on his serious older brother.

"What?" Scott frowned at his brother's anxious expression and the way Virgil's eyes reddened.

"You…" Virgil sighed a disbelieving laugh. "How do you know what he said in the car?" His gaze met Scott's and their eyes fixed. Virgil watched as Scott desperately attempted to look away but found himself unable to. The sudden panic in his eyes betrayed him. Virgil was sure the confusion and growing anger he felt was also becoming visible. "You weren't… you weren't there. Sam was the only one on the line, so how the hell do you know?"