Author's Note: Many thanks for the reviews from the last chapter. Every word is, as always, much appreciated. Please, do continue to let me know your thoughts on these chapters. It's most helpful and very important to me if I wish to improve, that I know how my writing is impacting on the reader. Your thoughts and opinions are incredibly important, so do drop me a review and let me know. Thank you.
Chapter Nineteen; Sincerity and Dorothy Complex
The tension that followed, words could not describe.
It took Scott mere seconds to realise his mistake and he closed his eyes tightly. When he opened them again, Virgil's eyes cut into him like razor blades. He felt himself squirming under his brother's inquisition, feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Their eyes locked together and despite Scott's several attempts to look away, none were fruitful.
"I .. err…" He stumbled, unable to avoid Virgil's angry yet suspicious glare. "Sam." Scott said quickly, far too quickly, as he bit his lips together in an effort to stop them trembling. Internally, he was cursing himself. This was one of the very reasons he so rarely let his guard down. If he could have, he would have kicked himself. "Sam," He repeated, nodding and frantically trying to avoid the panic he felt from surfacing. "Yeah," He convinced himself, as much as Virgil. "Sam told me."
Virgil's expression didn't change. Nor did his penetrative gaze or the contempt in his eyes. Eyes that had turned cold and hard; frozen by the anger that cursed through him. The silence and Virgil's lack of a response, prompted Scott to expand further. "He err… he mentioned it earlier." The older man found himself nodding again, in an effort to convince Virgil.
Virgil's gaze continued to infiltrate his brother's soul. Scott shrivelled internally; if only he could take those words back, if only he could pretend he hadn't said them, if only he hadn't exposed himself to such a volatile situation. He felt like sighing to release the tension, but refrained. 'If only's were of no use to him now.
Virgil's silence spurred him on, once more.
"I…" Scott was saved going on any further as a shrill ring echoed around the room; contrasting the accusing silence a little too effectively. He fumbled for the 'phone as the awkward atmosphere between them only intensified. Eventually he prized it from his pocket and looked at the caller identification. "It's John." He said to himself, his face a picture of relief. "I'd better take it."
Before he could answer the call, Virgil reached out to him. He took a firm grasp of Scott's wrist, causing the older man's skin to pale; he effectively prevented his brother from answering the call. Scott froze. The tension in the air was thick and barring the ringing 'phone, silence prevailed. He slowly raised his eyes to his brother's. He couldn't help but swallow at the resentment Virgil's eyes held.
Scott attempted to pull his wrist free but Virgil's grip just tightened. Realistically, he could have freed himself but for fear of hurting Virgil, he didn't. "This could be important." He urged. Virgil just tightened his hold further. Scott once more, tried to pull his wrist free of his brother's grasp. "Let go Virgil," He commanded firmly, but Virgil's eyes told him that he wasn't likely to obey. "You're hurting me." Scott winced as he tugged at the restriction with his own free hand. "Virgil please, this could be important." Scott repeated. Beginning to sound suspiciously like he was pleading with his brother, he bit his tongue.
It was fast becoming evident that, pleas or no pleas, Virgil wasn't listening to him.
His own thoughts ran far too deep to even contemplate what Scott was saying. In that moment, he felt like he'd been kicked in the gut.
It was obvious Scott knew. But how did he know? And what else did he know?
Questions swam through Virgil's mind, each leading on to the next. He desperately wanted answers, yet none were forthcoming and he wasn't entirely sure he was ready to hear it anyway. Gritting his teeth against the pain, he reached his other hand into Scott's palm, retrieving the small communications device.
Infuriatingly, the 'phone continued to ring obliviously. The merry tune remained a stark contrast to the heavy atmosphere between them. Virgil took a moment, glancing down to confirm the caller was indeed John, before cancelling the call and throwing the 'phone across the room in one swift, belligerent movement. He turned on his brother. "To hell with that, this is important!" He breathed, angrily.
Scott watched the 'phone bounce on Sam's mattress and come to a stop. He found himself feeling relieved it hadn't been damaged through the angry outburst. However, as his vision turned back to Virgil, he realised his 'phone was the last thing he should be worrying about.
"Don't lie to me Scott." Virgil rumbled menacingly; the growl came low and sinister; the anger unmistakable. His voice trembled, anger and fear of just what Scott knew causing him to shudder. He barely managed to control it. "I'm not stupid, so don't insult my intelligence. I want the truth."
Knowing that to look anywhere else would be to confirm to his brother that he was lying, Scott was forced to face him. However, he was sure that Virgil must know. Of all the people he knew, Virgil was by far the closest to him and had the most experience in reading his actions. "I told you already…" Scott attempted to reaffirm.
"No! You lied." Virgil snarled, his eyes burning brightly at the possibilities.
"No, you lied to me Virgil!" Scott snapped. He swallowed. "You told me you passed out."
Virgil's nostrils flared and his lips began to tremble as he bit down on them hard. Blinking back the moisture that was suddenly making its way, involuntarily, to his eyes.
"I did." The reply came out in a higher pitch then he'd intended and he swallowed back some of the foreboding that seemed to have accumulated in his throat. "Now, tell me the truth; how do you know what Alan said in the car?"
"I told you." Scott stuck by his story. Ironically, he thought, this was the most likely tactic to avoid any confrontation. "Sam told me." He replied adamantly.
"That's crap!" Virgil exclaimed harshly. He screwed his face up and waved his hand angrily. "You know it and I know it!" He clenched his teeth together. "Do you really think I'm that stupid!" He opened his mouth to continue, taking in a deep breath. The motion caused a sharp, shooting pain in his chest and he wavered. He grimaced as he battled, once more, to overcome the sudden onset of pain.
Scott watched Virgil as he reached a hand to the agony that had erupted in his chest, with alarm. "Virgil, please! You've got to try and stay calm."
"I am calm." Virgil replied. Struggling to breathe. Finally, he managed to control himself enough to even his breathing out. "How do you know?" He asked again. "I'm not asking for world peace Scott, I just want the truth." The anger had almost faded from his voice but the intensity of the emotion it carried hadn't wavered in the least.
"Virgil…"
"Just tell me." Virgil spoke over him. He swallowed, shaking his head silently before he continued. "Please, just tell me." He appealed to his brother.
"Okay," Scott sighed. He let a few expectant moments tick by before taking a deep breath. "Yeah, I know." He confessed softly. "I know what Alan said because I've seen the video footage." He settled back for some kind of reaction. He was surprised when Virgil only looked back at him blankly. Eventually the younger man shook his head and as a result Scott frowned, perplexed.
"No." Virgil seemed to deny the fact. In his mind, it just wasn't possible. He shook his head, frowning at the very prospect. The fear in the pit of his stomach circled more frequently now, with little mercy. "What footage?" He asked suspiciously, his tone as level as he could force it to be. He found his throat suddenly tight and the sinking feeling in his gut wasn't aiding him, in keeping up this pretence of ignorance. A deep frown cemented into his expression as he spoke.
"From the camera recordings. I've seen it, all of it." Scott said slowly. Noting Virgil's forced yet vacant expression and trying to jog his memory. He watching his brother carefully for any sign that he was bluffing. Was it possible he didn't know the cameras had carried on recording? Was it possible, as Sam had said, that he really didn't remember?
Eventually, the younger man turned to look out onto the balcony as a breeze blew in, his vision lingering on the late afternoon sun. Anything but facing Scott and ruining all possibility of hiding. Denial, it seemed, was a good hiding place. When it was clear no ascent of recognition was forthcoming Scott carried on. "The camera's from Alan's car." Another pause followed. "Virgil?" He tried, but failed, to get his brothers attention. "Virgil, are you listening to me?"
Virgil froze at the words, slowly turning to face his older brother with what Scott could only describe as panic in his eyes. The same panic Scott himself had felt when he realised what he'd said just minutes earlier.
"Cameras?" Virgil asked slowly before he spoke again, his bottom lip still trembling. He shook his head, indicating he didn't know what Scott was talking about. However, this charade of unawareness was becoming more and more difficult to keep up, and his eyes told a different story.
"You know." Scott told him, reading Virgil's actions precisely. "I know you know." He moved up the bed a little, closer to his brother. He could feel Virgil shaking, whether it was fear or anger or apprehension, he wasn't sure. Maybe even a mixture of all of them, it was certainly understandable.
Virgil swallowed. The action seemed so loud against the trepidation filled hush. He shook his head, unable to speak for fear of acceptance.
"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about." Scott frowned. He was surprised Virgil thought he would succeed in deceiving him, when they both knew it was a feat neither of them were capable of.
"Don't make this any harder Virgil." He watched closely as Virgil shook his head in denial. He met his older brother's concerned gaze to confirm Scott was telling the truth before tearing his vision away. He ceased shaking his head, eyes wide and glistening. Staring mutely ahead, Virgil struggled to tug his trembling lips together. "It's okay." Scott assured him, seeing his struggle for composure. Virgil frowned at his tone of voice, pitying and sympathetic; it made him feel ill. "I know."
Virgil swallowed, slowly turning to face his brother defiantly. Regardless of his teary, red eyes or the pure despair streaked across his features.
"What do you know?" His eyes held only dread at his brother's response and his voice trembled in anticipation of the implications of his answer.
"Everything." Scott replied calmly. "You must know the cameras recorded the whole thing. Didn't they ask you about it, in your interview?"
Virgil nodded faintly. It was almost impossible to distinguish from the younger mans shaking. He blinked furiously and licked his, suddenly dry, lips.
Glazed eyes suddenly became focused as Virgil turned to face his brother. "How did…" He swallowed again. "How?"
Scott sighed. "I didn't set out to see it. I didn't even know Alan had cameras on his car, until Sam told me…"
"So what? You couldn't bear the not knowing, and you decided to find out for yourself?" Virgil's voice regained the dangerous quality it had earlier been laced with. Angry that Scott had, in his eyes, gone looking for answers in places he shouldn't.
"No," Scott immediately denied, shaking his head. "It wasn't like that."
"Tell me something, did it hurt?" Virgil went on, ignoring Scott had even spoken. "Did it?" He asked again, when Scott failed to answer. Virgil took controlled breaths, frowning hard; he rubbed at his eyes furiously, causing them to become redder. He swallowed back the abundance of moisture in his mouth despite his dry lips, and asked again. "Did it hurt you, to watch that recording?"
Scott frowned sadly, a little surprised and confused by the conversation. "Of course it hurt…" He found himself blinking to compensate for the memories that returned. Deep down he knew it had hurt for the wrong reasons, but Virgil didn't give him time to go any further.
"Good."
Scott's head snapped up at the snide, angry comment. His eyes widened as he stared at his brother incredulously. He frowned angrily, opening his mouth to reply but words failed him.
"You couldn't just leave it, could you?" Virgil sniffed. "This is exactly the situation I was trying to avoid. Well, I'm glad it hurts, I hope it hurts you as much as it hurts me, and I hope you're pleased with yourself." He stifled a bitter laugh, shaking his head. "Why?" He breathed. "Why couldn't you live with not knowing, just this once?"
"It wasn't like that." Scott repeated. "I swear to you, it was an accident. I didn't even know what was on the discs until…" He stopped his mouth running away with itself. "Do you think I wanted to see that?"
"No," Virgil replied. "But I think you couldn't help yourself." He laughed again, the bitterness almost unheard of in the second heir to the Tracy throne. "So, that's why you were so understanding. It has nothing to do with you finally comprehending that we're old enough to look out for ourselves has it? You already knew, that's why you didn't push me into talking anymore." He paused to sniff, screwing his face up. "Did you mean any of it? What you just said, or was it all just lies?"
"Of course I did!" Scott sighed heartily. "I meant every word I said, Virgil."
"How could you sit there and patronise me like that?" Virgil asked incredulously; appalled by the realisation.
"I didn't mean to patronise you. I …" Scott made several attempts to expand on that before he actually found a starting point. "I wanted to give you an opportunity to tell me the truth. I didn't want to believe that you didn't trust me enough to lean on me when you needed someone."
"It's not about trust." Virgil frowned.
"So what was it about?" Scott matched his brother's expression. "Were you ever going to tell me?"
Virgil hesitated. He knew a lot hinged on his response to that question, but he had to be honest. He blinked, looking up to his brother and meeting Scott's expectant yet anxious gaze.
"No." He muttered quietly.
"Why not?" Scott frowned, feeling more than a little hurt from the revelation. He could feel his eyes reddening from the stinging confession.
Virgil shrugged. "I knew you felt bad already because there was nothing you could do. You felt helpless and I know how much you hated that." He swallowed. "You were worried about Al, the last thing you needed was me adding to that worry."
Scott bit his lips together. It broke his heart to think Virgil had concealed this to save him the pain of knowing. That he had forsaken all and any comfort they could have offered, for the sake of the pain he knew Scott would feel at such a revelation.
"Besides," Virgil carried on. "I couldn't." He looked to his hands, sniffing again. "I tried, but I just couldn't." He paused. "The night you woke up and I was sat in that chair." He waved a hand, roughly in the direction of the padded armchair. "I wanted to tell you everything. So much, but I just… I couldn't. I was willing myself to do it, but the words…" He sighed. "It wasn't because I don't trust you, I do. It was because I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you, and I couldn't bring myself to do it to me either." He frowned. "I did what I thought was best, for all of us."
Deeply saddened by those words, Scott didn't reply at first and a pensive silence enveloped them. Scott cleared his throat. "Does Dad know?"
"Alan can never know!" Virgil fired out quickly. "If ever you want to protect him from anything, now's a good time to do it. If he ever found out…"
"Okay, okay." Scott tried to acquiesce to Virgil's determination, raising his hands in surrender. "Alan'll never find out. Not from me." He vowed sincerely. "I promise."
Virgil sniffed, letting a sigh out. He sat back, suddenly deflated. "Good." He swallowed back some of the anguish and unease that had risen back up to his throat, pushing it back to circle in his stomach once more.
"What about Dad?" Scott repeated.
"No." Virgil shook his head. "And I don't want him to find out. I don't want anyone to find out. Ever." He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back against the pillows that propped him up. "Which is why I need you to…" He trailed off, not opening his eyes. "Please tell me you're the only one who saw that recording." He said suddenly with renewed effort. There was a definite element of pleading to his tone that Scott was unused to.
Scott hesitated. Lying seemed the kindest option, yet lies were what had got them this far. He was torn between appeasing his brother's dread and telling the truth. Until Virgil opened his eyes again. As soon as he caught sight of the desolation contained in the soft depths, silently begging him to agree, he knew Virgil was far too fragile to handle the truth. Not wanting to add to the deep distress his brother was already experiencing, lying seemed his only option. So, convincing himself that he was doing it for Virgil, he nodded.
"Yeah, it was just me." He swallowed. Crossing his fingers subconsciously, out of sight.
"Thank God." Virgil sighed, taking in a deep breath and letting it blow out slowly. "I couldn't handle it if anyone else…" He trailed off. "Alan'd be devastated if he ever found out."
Scott nodded. "He's not going to. I'll make sure of that." He assured Virgil, already formulating plans to get his hands on those discs and destroy them. Musing on how he'd take great pleasure from destroying them in a suitable manner, considering just what they stood for; what they contained. In the short silence that followed, a thought struck him. "Didn't you think Alan'd watch the recordings at the first possible moment?"
Virgil shook his head. "I didn't think Sam would start analysing the data until we got back." He frowned. Still taking in the fact that Scott knew, he wasn't really thinking about what he was saying. In some way it was a weight off his shoulders that finally, he had someone to talk to. However, in other ways, he feared Scott wouldn't be able to stop himself from suffocating him with his oppressive concern. "Especially with the situation with Alan not wanting to…" He stopped, suddenly looking up to Scott.
"Alan not wanting to what?" Scott frowned, as Virgil closed his eyes regretfully. "Come on Virg, lying to each other's what's got us here in the first place."
"This goes no further."
"Of course not." Scott nodded. "Go on." He frowned suspiciously. Deep down, he feared, he knew what was coming.
"Alan wants to quit racing." Virgil told him with a mournful sigh.
Scott closed his eyes, and leant back. Exhaling deeply. "I knew you were going to say that."
Virgil frowned, surprised at the reply. "Has he said something to you?" He raised an eyebrow.
"No." Scott shook his head, before scoffing a bitter laugh. "No, I just had a feeling it was coming. He didn't say a thing. Can't think why, huh?" He rolled his eyes, rethinking the things Virgil had said to him, a mere matter of minutes earlier.
"Scott…" Virgil's frown deepened. "He only told us this morning."
"Us?"
Virgil sighed. "Sam and I." He winced internally, knowing the fact that Alan had confided in Sam would only upset Scott further. Sure enough, the predicted response came.
"Sam? Sam knows?" Scott reached a hand up to knead his eyes roughly. "He'd rather tell Sam than me."
"It's not about that." Virgil told him. "Sam and I had more to do with the car than you ever did."
"You're right." Scott sighed again, running a hand over his hair and leaving a mass of dark waves in his wake. "I'm sorry, I'm being selfish. Thinking of me again, how I feel." He was reminded of how selfish he'd been when he'd watched the feedback too. Hurt that he didn't know, not hurt at what Virgil had been forced to experience. He stopped to study his brother, noticing how deep in thought Virgil seemed. "You think he's got a point, don't you?" He asked, intuitive as always when dealing with this particular brother.
Virgil shrugged. "Yeah." He nodded. "Yeah, I think he does. I'm not saying he should give up, I don't think he should. I'm glad we managed to hold him off making a decision until after Wednesday." He paused, obviously wanting to say more but seemingly unwilling to vocalise his thoughts.
"But…" Scott prompted.
"But, I can see his point." Virgil confessed. "It's not going to be easy for him going back out on the track, after all this." He sighed sadly. "I know the thought of getting back in a racing car petrifies me, after what happened."
Scott nodded, though he knew he couldn't really understand what his brother was saying. "What did happen?" He asked softly. As Virgil's head snapped up to look at him with a warning glare. "What really happened out there Virgil?" Scott persisted, repeating his question.
"Please, Scott." Virgil breathed, looking down to his hands and away from his brother. "You've seen the camera footage and you've seen the sketches. You don't need me to tell you, so please don't ask me to go through it again."
Scott nodded, trying again to understand. With a gentle sigh, he lowered his gaze. Truly feeling for his brother. "I know what it's like, you know." He began. Treading softly and cautiously around his brothers volatile state.
"No." Virgil disagreed as he ran a shaky hand through his hair. "No you don't." His voice remained low and Scott missed the perilous quality to it. Too intent on empathising with him to hear that 'edge' Virgil had spoken with at the hospital.
"I've seen people die Virgil. I know what it's like, and I know how it feels." Scott continued on, oblivious.
"No you don't!" Virgil spat out angrily causing Scott to almost physically withdraw from his brother, such was the sudden venom in Virgil's tone. "You don't know how it feels and you damned well don't know what its like." Virgil paused, his anger making him breathless and he found himself attempting to breathe deeply again. There were a few minutes of pregnant silence as Scott watched his brother uneasily and Virgil silently fumed at the comparison Scott was making. He struggled to control himself. "You fire your fancy missiles and then sit back however many thousand feet in the air." He waved a hand. "You see puffs of smoke and a few flames, you don't see death." Scott hung his head slightly, sitting back and away from Virgil's heated response. "Not like that."
Virgil breathed heavily, his chest rising and falling quickly to compensate for the angry explosion. For the first few seconds Scott didn't respond either. The outburst took him by surprise but in all honesty, every word was true. Eventually Scott reached forward to take Virgil's arm, intent to rub it soothingly. Hoping the contact would calm Virgil's distressed response. "I'm so sorry Virgil…"
He was cut off from saying any more. "Don't." Virgil snapped, speaking hastily and loudly. "I don't want your pity." He pulled his arm away from Scott's touch sharply, in one aggressive motion. Yet he didn't look up to his brother, his hostile eyes preferring to face the bed instead. "Save your insipid platitude's for someone who deserves it Scott." He said monotonously. "I don't want to hear it."
"Is that what you think?" Scott frowned, a little surprised by the words. Then with a sudden but chilling clarity, he understood. "It's not just that you couldn't tell me is it? You think you don't deserve to be comforted." The theory alarmed Scott greatly, but it unfortunately made a lot of sense. "That's why you've been rejecting my help, alienating yourself. It's not just that I've been acting like an idiot, is it?" No reply came, but somehow Scott knew he was right. He waited for a few moments, giving Virgil the time he needed to answer. Eventually, a silence threatened them that Scott had no intention of falling into.
"Virgil?" He repeated, trying to get his brothers attention. The younger man avoided his older brother's gaze, looking to his hands and about the room. Anywhere but at Scot directly. One look would be all it took to confirm Scott's words. Just one fleeting glance. "Virgil, look at me." Scott petitioned his brother in a somewhat firm tone, yet it smacked primarily of a plea. Still the younger man looked away. It was only when Scott reached out to his arm and grasped it firmly; repeating the command much firmer, "Look at me." That Virgil reluctantly complied, shrugging the touch off forcefully. Scott searched the deep brown pools shaking his head in disbelief at what Virgil was telling him without speaking a word. "Is that what you think?" He muttered. Finding himself temporarily lost in the depth of the dull, red, despair ridden eyes that were usually so clear, true and comforting.
Virgil knew what he was doing, but took a deep breath and let him search. He knew he had no choice now. "I watched…" He swallowed, his voice trembling. "I watched a man die Scott. Do you think I deserve your security, your compassion or your sympathy?" It was clearly a rhetoric question. "I don't." Virgil shook his head wildly. "I don't because I sat there and I watched him. I watched him die." Virgil paused, his stomach knotting and threatening to rise to the back of his throat. His chest shuddered with the effort it was taking him not to breakdown. "He was screaming for help. A grown man Scott, sobbing, begging me to do something, but I didn't." Virgil paused, to regain some control.
Scott was about to jump in and disagree with that last statement when he thought better of it and just let his brother continue.
"He was screaming like I've never heard anyone scream before. I can still hear it, even now." Virgil closed his eyes and rested his head back against the pillows behind him as if to prove the point. Part of him wanted the break, the other part wanted to hide his eyes from Scott. The knowledge that his eyes were betraying everything he'd tried to keep to himself, was crushing. Several times Scott felt the need to speak, but somehow there was no reply to give and he knew there was more to come yet.
"Y'know, I actually wanted him to just shut up." Virgil smirked sadly, as he shook his head. Clearly but cruelly continuing to punish himself. He bit his lips together and fought a desperate battle against the readiness his eyes had to let the moisture accrued there fall. "I looked up and I could see him through the flames." He paused to take in a deep breath, determined to retain some dignity. "And I just sat there and watched." He swallowed, finally turning tortured and soul destroying eyes on his only older brother. "Now, you look me in the eye and tell me I deserve your empathy."
Scott made a point of meeting Virgil's steely glare, no matter how much it turned his stomach to see such anger and revulsion in his brother. "Of course you deserve it." Virgil looked away, discounting Scott's words with a shake of his head. "Yes." Scott countered, without second thought. "Virgil, what you just said, that's not true." He told him firmly but compassionately. "You know that's not true. I've seen the footage remember? You did everything you could to get to him, you tried to help him."
Virgil scoffed, shaking his head once more. "It wasn't enough though was it?" He smirked despondently.
"You tried your best. You were trapped too!" Scott leant forward, but Virgil failed to meet his gaze. "Virgil, you couldn't do anything for him," Scott reached out a hand to his brother's face, attempting to steer him so as he couldn't avoid his gaze anymore. However, Virgil pulled away from him harshly and looked up irately. "You did everything you could." Scott said calmly, having achieved his objective despite the visual daggers Virgil was throwing his way.
"I lied to him!" Virgil yelled leaning into where Scott looked up to him. The darker haired man remained relatively composed; a complete contrast of the unrestrained passion that Virgil's own tone portrayed. "I told him he'd be okay. He was scared he was going to die, and I told him he'd be fine." He screwed his nose up in disgust at his own behaviour. "How sadistic is that? I deluded him into thinking he was going to survive."
"No." Scott paused, unwilling to think Virgil believed this dark and despondent line of thought. "No, that's not true either. He was scared and you reassured him. You kept him calm; that was all you could do." He sighed sadly, watching Virgil already shake his head in disagreement.
"I should've done something!" Virgil balled his fists up; his pose matching his frustrated tone. Scott saw the moisture in his eyes once more, threatening to become too much. The way he spoke became hampered by his struggle to control himself; his voice becoming thick and congested. To his credit though, none of the tears got any further than his eyes.
Scott wasn't sure if Virgil being Virgil, that was such a good thing.
"Like what?" Scott asked him with a cheerless smile and gentle eyes. He was so desperate to help and understand his brother's anguish, yet he really didn't know where to start.
"Like…. Like…" Virgil threw up his hands in frustration, a small outlet for the vast despair he felt inside. "I don't know!" He exclaimed, evidently aggravated. "Maybe if I could have reached the fire extinguisher or if I could have gotten out of that damned harness!" He swore with distaste.
"Virg…." Scott reached out to him again, watching his brother push him away with renewed vigour. Scott frowned at Virgil, trying to contain the angry, raw frustration that burned so brightly in his eyes. "Virgil, listen to me." At Scott's words the younger man seemed to take some deep breaths in an effort to calm down and sniffled, allowing his eyes to close momentarily. "Even if you could have reached the fire extinguisher, or if you'd somehow managed to release the harness. What could you have done? You're kidding yourself if you think that fire extinguisher would have made any difference. And even if you'd gotten free, he was trapped; you wouldn't have had time to get him out." Scott paused, searching Virgil's expression and the depths of his eyes for some kind of assurance that he was actually listening. There was none.
"Virgil…." He said softly. "It doesn't matter how many times you go over it in your head. You're not going to find anything you could have said or done that would make the situation any different. Because you did everything in your power to help him." He paused again. A gentle squeeze of Virgil's arm, purely for avowal of his comments. Virgil pulled the arm free immediately. "Beating yourself up about this isn't going change anything; it's just going to make you feel worse."
"Maybe I deserve to feel worse." Virgil shrugged, swallowing again and beginning to search the room. "If that's possible." He added quietly.
Scott frowned sympathetically. "Virg…" He sighed. "If you were feeling so bad, why didn't you tell me? Or, if not me, than somebody?" He shook his head. "I know things haven't been easy over the last few days but you should have said something."
Virgil scoffed a laugh. "Yeah, and that would have given you all the ammunition you needed to lock me in a padded room for the rest of my life."
Scott saddened at the comment. "I know I've not exactly instilled confidence in you just recently and I know I've been acting like an idiot." He sighed again. "But I never want you to feel that you can't talk to me."
Virgil wanted to deny that last comment. However, he knew in truth, he couldn't. "I know what you're thinking." He broke the thoughtful silence that had followed with soft words. "You feel guilty. But there were lots of reasons I didn't say anything. It's not your fault."
"It's not yours either, none of this is." Scott closed his eyes, sighing and licking his lips. "You can't punish yourself because Mark died, it wasn't anybody's fault. It was an accident, Virg."
"Then why do I feel so guilty? Hmm, answer me that Scott." Virgil's lips began to tremble again but he bit them together. Causing an iron taste in his mouth and giving him something else to focus on.
"Virgil, you're only human." Scott watched him sympathetically. "If I'd survived an accident that someone else didn't, I'd feel guilty too. It's natural but that doesn't mean it's reasonable. In fact, it's completely irrational; you did all you could and deep down inside you know that." Scott took in a deep breath. "Sometimes things happen that are out of our control, it may seem unfair and unjust but there is no reason; they just happen."
"That's your answer?" Virgil raised an incredulous eyebrow. "Things happen? I'm sure that'll be real comforting to Mark's family." He responded sarcastically.
Scott spent a few moments debating over whether to say what was on his mind. Eventually, he bit the bullet. Bringing up a subject that they seldom talked about. "When Mom died, I spent months, years even, trying to figure out why. Even now, I still ask myself why. Why her? Why not some other Mom who wasn't needed as much, or loved as much?" He paused, keeping a firm control of himself whilst discussing the difficult issue. "What did she do to deserve being taken away from us? What did we do? You asked yourself the same questions, didn't you?"
Virgil bowed his head sadly at the subject; it was not something they spoke about often. Their mother's death had been something that they'd only really discussed when forced to do so. Contrary to his easy manner, and his readiness to be Scott's should to cry on. It was the one subject, Virgil was always happy to let his brother avoid. "You know I did." The reply came eventually, so quiet Scott could easily have missed the words.
"I never found an answer. Did you?" Scott pushed, pleased that Virgil's bowed head was unable to see the tears settling in his own eyes. He furiously blinked them back, almost automatically.
"No." Virgil replied abruptly. His head remained lowered and a morbid, depressing atmosphere surrounded them. The air became suddenly cool despite the warm breeze.
"You know why we never found an answer?" Scott persisted regardless of the awkwardness between them now. He despised this topic as much as Virgil did, both of them continuing to hide from each other. As if they weren't quite ready, even after all these years, to face their true feelings. "Because there isn't one." Scott continued. "Call it what you like; luck, God, fate. The fact is you're here." He paused. "Thank God… or whatever!" Scott scoffed before he smiled gently. "And it has absolutely nothing to do with justification. Just like Mom didn't deserve to die and we didn't deserve to lose her. You don't deserve to have to go through any of this Virg, least of all on your own. You can't punish yourself for something you had no control over."
Virgil sighed shakily. "I can't help it, I feel responsible."
"You're not responsible for anything that happened on that track, just like I'm not responsible for any of you guys anymore. Isn't that what you've just spent the last several hours telling me? You can't change what's already happened; there's no point dwelling on it." Scott's eyes were pleading with his brother to listen to him. Virgil swallowed, feeling himself tremble with the effort it was taking him not to just sit and cry, the despair he felt was so tangible. It may have been what he wanted but it wasn't the Tracy way.
"So what?" Virgil shrugged, frowning and clenching his teeth together. "I'm just supposed to forget about it? I've tried, it doesn't work." He shook his head incredulously; about to go on further but Scott's reply prevented him.
"No." Scott shook his head too. "Of course not. Nobody is expecting you to forget about this. Or to just wake up tomorrow morning and be okay. But, you have to deal with it and all this self persecution and isolation isn't doing that." He paused. "Virg, I know this is hard but you're not achieving anything by pushing people away. You can't run away from this."
"I know I can't." Virgil admitted quietly, his face crumbled and he sat back against the headrest of the bed. Taking a moment to fight an internal battle of wills. When he looked back, the devastation smeared liberally across his face was unmistakeable. Though his lips trembled and his chest shuddered, his eyes remained watery but determined.
"I know I can't run because it's there, constantly reminding me." Scott purposely remained silent watching his brother's struggle and not interrupting the clumsy flow of words, for fear of stopping him. "Every time I close my eyes or the room goes quiet… I see it, I hear it all again. Mark's pleading with me to help him, that sound of him screaming like only a dying man can and his eyes." Scott winced. He tried to squeeze his brothers trembling arms reassuringly but Virgil shrugged him off. He had to settle for catching he younger man's fretful gaze, and holding it in an act of support. "His eyes were so wide and full of pain Scott. I swear, it'll haunt me forever." He finished sadly.
Scott sighed sadly, unsure how to respond to the heartbreaking confession. He thought furiously for something to say that would ease his brother's anguish. However, he knew that words were useless and the moment passed. He knew he had to tread carefully now, after finally getting his brother to open up, the last thing he wanted was to undo all his hard work. He wondered briefly if Virgil even realised, that in opening his soul like he had, he'd told Scott everything he needed to know. Thinking back to what Charlie'd said, a thought came to mind. "Have you been dreaming about it?" Scott asked softly.
Virgil nodded. "I think about it all day, I suppose it's not surprising that I dream about it at night."
"What happens?" Scott asked automatically. He realised abruptly that maybe he'd pushed too hard and began back peddling. "I know it's… I can understand it must be hard, you … you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."
Virgil just blinked. When he spoke his dry lips caused a gentle clicking sound every time they made contact. "I see it all over again. I'm back there, trapped in that car and I'm trying so hard to do something, anything. And then I look back and I see him; just like I did before. He's unconscious but the fires still there. Only I never pass out in the dream." He paused, and Scott looked up expectantly to him, urging him on without saying a word. "Mark's eyes open again and he reaches out to me, but I can't reach him…" Virgil blew a breath out of pursed lips in an effort to control himself. "It's horrible Scott, I don't know how to describe it. It's sick; the skins melting off his hands and there's only bones…" He had to stop; he needed a good minute to get control back. His stomach revolted at the recollection and he instinctively brought a hand up to cover his mouth. Rubbing it over his face before dropping it back to his side, as he composed himself. "Sorry."
"It's okay." Scott was telling him, attempting to be calming. "It's alright to be upset after what you've been through." Scott reassured him. Seeing how each time it looked like the moisture in his eyes would fall, Virgil fought it back.
"Don't do that." Virgil pushed back all Scott's attempts at touching him, forcing his brother further away. He screwed his face up, a mix of anger and disgust at Scott's commiseration.
"Do what?" Scott frowned in confusion and at the rough manner with which Virgil rebuked his every attempt to comfort him physically.
"Don't pity me!" Virgil exclaimed angrily.
"I'm not." Scott denied immediately. "I don't mean to. I just want to help you, but I don't know how."
"I'm sorry." Virgil sighed. "I didn't mean it like that, I just don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't need anyone to rub my back and tell me everything's going to be okay." He paused, shaking his head. "I know it's not."
"It will." Scott told him firmly. "I promise you it will, you just need to give yourself time." He paused again, studying Virgil's distressed appearance. "The dreams, are they like the pictures you drew?" Scott watched as Virgil's screwed his face up at the question. For a few seconds, Scott's eyes widened as it looked like his brother was going to breakdown right there and then. He bowed his head. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that. We don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to."
However, the younger man composed himself once more. "I can't get it out of my head." Virgil replied, thoughtfully. "Seeing it, hearing it, even feeling it; I wake up and I'm petrified. I'm soaking wet from sweating and my hearts beating so fast it's agony to breathe." He paused, realising what he'd just said. "Just like I was in that car. Terrified I was going to die. Panicking." He added remorsefully.
"That's nothing to be ashamed of Virgil." Scott saw his disgust and tried to rebuke it with a frown. "It was a terrifying situation; it's only natural that you'd be afraid. I'd have been afraid." Virgil scoffed but Scott carried on, not prepared to let him voice his disagreement. "I'm just sorry you felt you had to draw the pictures. That you didn't feel you could to come and talk to me, or at least one of us."
Virgil shrugged. "I thought it'd help. I thought maybe if I could see it, y'know process it? Then maybe I'd be able to think clearly. Get it out of my system once and for all."
"But it didn't work, did it?" Scott frowned, this conversation was just escalating his guilt.
"No." Virgil admitted. "It just made me more and more angry." He shook his head. "I hate this…this feeling. Like I'm rotting from the inside out, right at the core but I can't do anything to stop it." He paused, taking in a deep breath and letting it out. "I know time's supposed to heal all wounds but you and I know that's not true."
"Virgil, I'm so sorry you had to dothis on your own." Scott told him sincerely, a sad frown adorning his dark features. "Look, I've been thinking about what Charlie said. You're not going to be able manage on your own. Why don't you come and stay with me for a while? I can help you, just until you're feeling better."
"Keep an eye on me, you mean?" Virgil asked with a sigh, already shaking his head. "Has Dad put you up to this?"
Scott looked indignantly at the comment. "No Dad hasn't said anything. I just hate the idea of leaving you when you're like this." He could see Virgil wasn't convinced and attempted to reassure him. "You don't have to stay for long, just for a few weeks while you still need the help. It's not like you can work like that anyway, you'd only be stuck at home on your own."
"I've got all the help I need in Sam." Virgil replied, his expression revealing he wasn't entirely happy with the invitation. "Besides, I do have my own friends you know, my own life to get back to."
"You're going to let Sam help you out, like I did this morning?" Scott frowned. He nodded his head at the bathroom, insinuating the more personal help he'd been able to provide. He already knew the answer to the question, it was whether or not Virgil would admit it.
"I managed yesterday without any help at all." Virgil matched his frown and became insistent.
"Managed? Oh come on Virg, that was tantamount to torture." Scott smirked, letting a pause envelope them. "There's something else isn't there?"
"You're hardly ever at the apartment anyway." Virgil ignored the comment. "You spend all your time on base. I'd rather go back to Denver; it is my home, kind of."
Scott's frown had deepened throughout Virgil's reply. "You know damn well I'd spend more time at the apartment if you were there, that's just an excuse. What is it?" Virgil closed his eyes and sighed: that being his only response.
"Look Scott, I appreciate the offer but really I just want to go home." Virgil said finally, his sombre tone causing Scott to settle, far from happy with the outcome.
Scott sighed. "Are you sure? I wouldn't fuss, I promise. I know I've been a bit …" He stopped, unable to think of an appropriate word that would describe his anxious state over the last two days. "I know you feel as though I've been worrying unnecessarily and I'm sorry if I've been smothering you. It's only because I care Virg, and I've been so worried about you."
"I know and most of the time I've brought it on myself anyway. "Virgil smiled sadly. "But I can manage Scott; I'll be fine once I get home, really." He insisted, hoping Scott would accept that. The fact that Scott hadn't pulled rank already and insisted on it, was testament to Virgil's words earlier having gotten through.
"I'm not saying you can't manage." Scott smiled warmly. "I'm just saying it might be easier with some support." He frowned anxiously. "I can provide as much or as little support as you want."
"I'm going home Scott." Virgil replied adamantly. "Look, if I'm struggling I'll call you, okay?" Scott knew he wasn't about to get a better reply, sometimes Virgil could be as stubborn as a mule. He sighed, leaning back; he was about to reply when his 'phone began to ring again. "John again?" Virgil asked as Scott reached over to retrieve it. "Take it." He further added when Scott nodded.
"We're not finished here yet." Scott said seriously, as he raised the 'phone up to head height. Answering it with a jovial grin. "What's up John?"
"Scott!" John smiled. "Finally! I tried to call you earlier but there was no answer, I left a message." Scott knew his younger, blonder brother was studying him carefully for any giveaway as to what had happened.
"I didn't hear it ring." Scott shook his head, the lie was so clear and smooth. Even Virgil snorted at the ease with which it came. "So, what's up? It's not Alan and Gordon again is it?"
"What?" John frowned. "Oh, no." He shook his head, realising what Scott meant. "No, no they're fine." He seemed to hesitate. "Are you okay?"
Scott nodded, hoping Virgil couldn't hear John's tone of voice. A quick glance in his brother's direction told Scott, Virgil wasn't even listening anymore. However when he looked back up to John, he could see his blonde brother was becoming more anxious with every passing second. "Fine." He responded shortly. John frowned, but Scott was reluctant to expand any further knowing of the possibility that Virgil could be listening.
"Right." John nodded reluctantly. "Alan was wondering what your plans are for tonight?" He awaited a reply patiently but something in Scott's manner told him he was interrupting.
"Well…" Scott shrugged. "Nothing, why?"
"He wants to go out for a drink. He thinks it'll be good for all five of us to spend an evening together, and Sam of course." John watched Scott frown and spoke before his older brother could. "I agree. I think it'd do us good to spend some time together, so we're going out for a drink tonight. Are you going to come?"
"I'd love to, I think it's a good idea too." Scott began hesitantly, glancing in Virgil's direction.
"But…" John prompted.
"But I'm not going to leave Virgil here on his own and right now, a smoky atmosphere in some bar is the last thing he needs." Scott winced. "I'd love to come John, and I'm sure he would too, but the last thing we need is more complications. His health's got to come first."
"Yeah, you're absolutely right." John nodded. "It's a shame though." He added pensively.
"Don't let it stop you guys going." Scott told him quickly. "We'll stay here." He didn't want to deflate John's enthusiasm. However, at the same time he wasn't about to put Virgil's health at risk by taking him out on the town.
"It won't be the same without you two." John smiled.
"Yeah right!" Scott laughed. "You'll have a great time without Virg and me there to make sure you behave." He tried to make light of the situation, not wanting to impart on John the issues with Virgil's health.
"Listen, I've got an idea. Let me get back to you…" John's face lit up with excitement.
"John," Scott sighed. He didn't want his brother concocting any elaborate plans to get Virgil to go out when there really was no possibility that he would be going anywhere. "Virgil's not really up to be going out tonight. To be honest, I'm not really sure Alan is either."
John suddenly frowned. "Is Virgil okay?"
"What?" Scott frowned a smile. "Yeah, of course he is. He's fine. He just needs to rest that's all; he's had a big day." John nodded sceptically. The thought that Scott was a little too adamant to discount the night altogether crossed his mind and he studied his older brother carefully. "Is there something you're not telling me?"
"No." Scott frowned with a shake of the head. "Of course not."
"Good." John smiled back, a little uncertainly. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"
Scott nodded. "Sure," He smiled. "Have a good time." John nodded before the connection was cut and Scott let out a harrowing sigh.
"He said no, didn't he?" Gordon groaned, leaning back against the wall with a thud. "Is that guy allergic to fun or something? What was his excuse?"
John frowned. "He said something about Virgil having had a big day and that he needs to rest." He nervously glanced into the room where Alan and Sam were talking.
Gordon followed his line of vision. "Doesn't Scott realise how much Al needs this? He really needs to know we're behind him right now. He'll be gutted if Scott and Virgil don't at least spend some time with him before we all have to go back."
"I know." John nodded, running his fingers over his chin. "I know. Listen, I've got an idea. I need you to keep Alan occupied, I'm just going out for a bit."
"Going where?" Gordon frowned. "John, the last thing I need is you disappearing on me too."
"Just keep him amused and keep him here, I don't want him going to find Scott and Virg. Okay?" John sounded, quite scarily like Scott. Gordon refrained from pointing that out, instead turning to face John.
"Okay, as long as you tell me where you're going." The younger redhead bargained with a grin.
"It'll be a surprise, let's just say I think I've thought of a way round it. Scott and Virgil don't get out of spending some time with us that easily." John smiled smugly, more than a little pleased with himself.
"I don't like surprises." Gordon pouted, batting his eyelashes.
John laughed. "That's because normally you're the one organising them and they usually get you into some kind of trouble." The younger man grinned in response. "Now, just keep him occupied." John gestured to inside the room, where Alan was now laughing with Sam. "I won't be long."
Gordon scoffed. "Yeah, that's what Virgil said!"
John just glared at him as he turned to leave, slipping out of the room silently. He made his way down to the bar.
XxxxX
Virgil only heard the one side of the conversation but was too deep in thought to really think about what was being said. As a result, he almost jumped when Scott sat back down on the bed.
"What's up?" He asked with as all the nonchalance he could muster.
"Nothing." Scott shook his head. "They wanted to know if we'd go out with them tonight." He informed his brother casually. His mind already formulating theories to continue his argument for Virgil to come and stay with him.
"So what's the plan?" Virgil asked raising an eyebrow at Scott's absentmindedness.
"There is no plan." Scott told him, raising an eyebrow of his own. "You're not going anywhere tonight, especially not some bar. You heard what Charlie said, you need rest, and a smoky atmosphere isn't going help your lungs is it?"
"Scott, I've got bruised ribs; it's hardly a life or death situation. I'll rest when I get back to Denver." He looked up at the taken aback expression on Scott's face and felt he should explain further. Scott opened his mouth to protest at the same time. Virgil however, marginally beat him to it. "Look, I barely get to see you guys as it is. Can you even remember the last time we were all together? Birthdays that used to be family occasions have dwindled because Dad has the business and we've all got lives of our own. We weren't even all together at Christmas because you and Gordon were stuck at work!" He paused, watching the empathy in Scott's expression take hold.
Scott softened, sighing. "I know where you're coming from, but you need to rest. This is exactly what I was saying Virg, you have to take care of yourself. I understand what you're saying but we all call each other regularly and visit. It's not like we're disintegrating, you make it sound like we're drifting apart."
"We are!" Virgil exclaimed. "You don't know anything about Alan's latest girlfriend and I don't know what John's latest project is." He tried to prove his point. "Did you know Gordon's bought a Porsche? I didn't, not till Alan told me." It became obvious that Scott didn't either but Virgil carried on. "And does anybody know anything about this 'Special Project' that Dad's been so engrossed in?"
"Okay Virgil, I get the point." Scott told him.
"Sure, you'll come and stay with me for a few days and John'll visit Alan and we all call each other. But a video link isn't any substitute for the real thing." Virgil took the time to take in a deep breath and slowly let it out again. "You know what I've been looking forward to the most this weekend? Seeing everyone, together. All of us together in the flesh. It sounds stupid but I forget how it feels, what it's like. I miss being able to put my arms round Gordy, when he's complaining that all woman are the same, and I'm telling him it'll work out. I know it's only a weekend but I really miss it; I miss you guys." He paused again. "More then ever." One more pause. "And more than I'd admit to anyone else."
"I know." Scott agreed sadly. "I know and I miss it too, and I'm sure the others do as well."
"Then understand that wanting to spend some time with my brothers tonight isn't pushing myself, it's utilising a rare opportunity." Virgil said sadly, he frowned. "Come on Scott, you miss them as much as I do. I know you do."
"Okay." Scott relented at Virgil's argument. "I just don't want you to make things worse for yourself."
"I won't. Scott don't worry, I'll be fine." Virgil looked up to his brother with a small smile.
Not happy with the situation as it was Scott was determined not to let Virgil bring an end to this conversation. "If you really mean all that about missing us and wanting us all to spend more time together. Why don't you come and stay with me?"
Virgil shrugged, unsure how to explain his reasoning without hurting or offending his brother. "This weekend has been a complete disaster; I just want to go home. After all I've said about missing you guys, I like my freedom too."
"You've got 'Dorothy Complex'." Scott stated, bringing a smirk to Virgil's lips.
During their much younger years, all five of the boys used to go out to their Grandmother's Kansas farm during the summer. The prospect of the annual trip usually caused a great deal of excitement in the Tracy household however, after reaching their destination they soon yearned for home. A desire their Grandmother had termed the 'Dorothy Complex.'
"There's no place like home." Virgil smiled softly in reply, the memory of his Grandmother saying those exact words playing in his mind. "Except Denver's not really home…" He mused. "Whatever." He said finally. "You know what I mean."
"Yeah I do." Scott had to admit.
"I like the idea of my own bedroom again. I can barely hear Sam's snoring back home." Virgil said widening his smirk to a grin.
Scott hesitated. "Y'know, I don't snore and there's a spare room at my apartment…"
"Scott." Virgil interrupted him with an exasperated sigh and a raised eyebrow that told him he was fighting a losing battle. "I want to be able to relax without six pairs of eyes staring at me, to eat a meal without feeling like I'm some kind of prize attraction at the zoo."
Scott smiled sadly, remembering how Alan had told him he'd felt overpowered by Gordon's concern too. "Six pairs of eyes or just mine?"
Virgil closed his eyes, sighing again. "It's not just you." He said softly. "Dad does it too; its just he's a bit more discrete about it."
Scott sighed. "I never meant to make you feel suffocated or like you were under any pressure." He paused reflectively. "I didn't mean to hurt you either."
"I know." Virgil accepted the apology of sorts. "And I didn't mean to be so spiteful."
"You know." Scott replied. "I think you could be right. I think after Wednesday the best thing we can all do is forget this weekend." He ran a hand over his face. "Just put it down to experience and move on."
"You really think this will all be over after Wednesday?" Virgil voiced his concern about the possibility of an inquest.
"Don't you?" Scott returned. "I mean, everyone's interviews were tough but I'm sure they're just doing their jobs. It doesn't mean it has any bearing on the outcome." He shrugged, hoping what he'd just said was right.
"Maybe." Virgil matched his shrug but seemed a little less expectant. "I guess we'll find out on Wednesday."
Scott nodded. "You'll call me as soon as you know anything, won't you?" Virgil smiled, noting the unusual amount of worry in his brother's eyes. He replied by means of a short nod of agreement "And there's no way I can convince you to come and stay for a while?"
Virgil shook his head. "No, I appreciate the offer though and I promise I'll call you. I'll be fine Scott."
"I wish I could convince myself of that." Scott muttered. "Virg, you've got to stop punishing yourself for this. Maybe after Wednesday you'll realise: this was an accident."
Virgil bowed his head. "I know," He admitted softly. "You're right, deep down I know I couldn't have done anything else but I just wish I could." He sighed woefully. "I just wish I could do something that'd make a difference. Something that would stop other people having to go through this, maybe even stop another Mark from dying in the first place." He rubbed his thumbs together, contemplatively. "There must be something, someone out there whocould help to prevent all the needless death in this world." He ran a hand over his face. "It's just so final, and so pointless."
"I know." Scott sighed. "We all wish we could stop people dying Virg. The world'd be a better place without all the needless death there is in it. Imagine if someone could have prevented Mom from dying…" He trailed off, as he thought that possibility out properly in his head.
"There must be something." Virgil broke his thought pattern. "Someone."
"Unfortunately Virg, no one person can save the world." Scott heaved a sigh. "Nobody wants anybody to die but sometimes …."
"Things happen that we have no control over?" Virgil interrupted him, a sad smile tugging at his lips.
"Exactly." Scott smiled, the comment having proved that Virgil had indeed listened to what he'd said and taken it on board. He only hoped his brother would put it into practice and prayed that the sudden lack of tension in the air was testament to Virgil's progress. "Can I ask you something?"
Virgil nodded, a frown of intrigue masking his fatigue. "Anything."
"It's just, you can read me like a book and I've always prided myself on the fact that I could read you just as perceptively. But when Dad told you Mark was dead, you seemed genuinely surprised." Scott shook his head, indicating his perplexity.
"I think…." Virgil sighed, trying to vocalise his thoughts with difficulty. "I think I'd tried to convince myself that if I could still be alive then so could he. It sounds crazy because inside I knew there was no way he could have survived. But there was this tiny part of me that wanted so badly for it to just be some sick part of my overactive imagination. I fooled myself into thinking that none of it was real." He smiled shamefully. "Kind of stupid, huh?"
"No." Scott smiled sadly, shaking his head a little. "It's not stupid at all. If I had the opportunity to deceive myself into thinking that none of this was real, I would too."
"But it is real." Virgil bit the inside of his cheek. "It's about time I faced facts."
Scott smiled. "About time we both faced facts." He corrected.
For a few moments, a silent appreciation passed between them. There had been occasions in their lives when words seemed inappropriate or cumbersome and this was one of them. Silently they communicated their gratitude and admiration to each other without the discomfiture or ineptness of incongruous words.
A sharp knock rattled the silence in the room and Scott got to his feet with a gentle smile in Virgil's direction. "I'll bet that's Dad," He sighed as he made his way over to the door.
"Scott…" Virgil's call stopped him, though it petered out.
"Yep?" Scott turned back to his brother. Studying Virgil's expression he suddenly knew what was to come.
"Nothing." Virgil sighed, shaking his head and suddenly feeling uneasy.
"Me too, Virg." Scott said, not giving his brother any opportunity to go on further. There was another knock and Scott continued on his way to the door, calling back as he went. "Me too." He repeated as he reached the door. "Hey." Virgil heard him greet the person at the door. "I thought you guys were going out?"
"Nope." Gordon's cheery reply came; he brandished two bottles of spirits. "We figured if Virgil wasn't going to come to the party, the party would have to come to Virgil." His grin widened.
"Technically John figured…" Sam grinned too. "But we all agreed."
Scott grinned at his brother before laughing and standing to one side. Both his youngest brothers hurried past him, as they made their way into the room without invitation. Scott gestured for John and Sam to follow. "I thought you were going to be Dad." Scott continued to grin at John's rather sombre expression; Sam noted the cheerlessness of John's demeanour and made his way through to talk to Virgil.
"No, we're not Dad." John said a little tersely. "I've just seen him in the bar." John stopped purposely, adding slowly. "With Charlie Gore. Why didn't you tell me you'd called him out?"
Scott sighed, understanding John's upset. "It was nothing serious." Scott thought that sticking to the same story as they told their father would be beneficial and briefly repeated Virgil's tale of getting his sleeve stuck on the door handle. He attempted to play down the incident but as the conversation progressed, he could tell it was not having the desired effect on his brother.
"Nothing serious!" John exclaimed. "He passed out!"
"He's fine now." Scott reassured his brother. "Charlie gave him something stronger for the pain and told him to take it easy. He said Virgil needs to rest, that's all."
"Why the hell didn't you tell me?" John asked, frowning angrily.
Scott sighed. "I didn't want to worry you. He's fine, really and I know if Alan's gets wind of this he'll just blame himself." Scott watched his younger brother's gaze drift to where Virgil was fielding Alan and Gordon's questions with a gentle, easy smile. "Speaking of Alan." He gestured into the room. "You haven't said anything to either of them have you?"
John turned to his brother knowing exactly what he was referring to. "No." He said quietly, he sighed gently for a few minutes before catching Scott's gaze. "Have you?" He gestured to Virgil. "Said anything?" He raised an eyebrow. Scott's only reply was to nod, a content expression and a comfortable smile on his lips. John questioned him further. "And?"
"He'll be okay." Scott assured him. "But as far as you and Sam are concerned you never knew, alright? It's important. He can never know that you know."
John nodded but was about to quiz his brother further when a shout from inside the room halted him. "Hey John, are you going to stand out there all night?" Alan was calling.
"We're just coming." Scott called as he practically pulled John into the room, despite the blonde mans reluctance. Scott couldn't help smiling up at where Alan and Gordon had sprawled themselves out on his bed.
"Have you got that cold pizza John?" Alan was asking as he sat up. Scott noticed how he gingerly used his injured shoulder.
John looked down at the box in his hands as if realising he was holding it for the first time, before handing to his youngest brother. "Cold pizza?" Scott was screwing his nose up. "Not last night's cold pizza?"
Alan nodded, licking his lips. "Uh huh, aren't any of you hungry?"
"Funnily enough." John replied sarcastically. "No."
"Hey don't knock it!" Alan protested. "I'm still a student you know!"
Scott smirked as he walked away from the conversation and over to the seating area, where John was retrieving a chair. His casual smile at Alan's defensive comments faded when he realised what John was looking at. There, lying on the floor were the remains of a semi-mauled sketch, similar to the one he had studied. Various other's lay around the area from where Virgil had practically destroyed the notebook. Screwed up pieces of paper and smaller pieces of previous sketches lay scattered around the room, all in a similar state. Some were scrunched up tightly; others had ragged edges where they'd been torn to shreds. Scott had no time to be thankful that neither their father nor Charlie had noticed them and hastily picked the remnants of the drawings up. Muttering an explanation as he did.
"You know how testy Virgil gets when he can't get it perfect." He stuffed the shredded pieces of discarded paper inside the hardback book. Picking it up where it had landed on the floor and doing his utmost to ignore John's questioning stares. He knew there would be questions from his blonde brother, questions that would not be easy to answer without betraying Virgil's trust. But he decided to leave that dilemma for another day. Hurriedly he passed his brother a chair and headed back to the conversation. John would never dream of asking in front of the others, which meant he was safe. For now, anyway...