Chapter Twenty-five: Free
I stare. I breathe. I know; I know this is it. Soon I will be free. Soon it will go dark and eventually, I will take my last breaths from this world. You are born and you end up in your mother's arms…now I am dying, and I am in his arms. Why? Why did I try and hurt him? My hunger to be loved was too dangerous. Why did I do the bidding of my father? So hungry, so foolish. I lost myself in want. It is only now I see…I already had what I wanted, I was loved, he told me so, that night back in Amber.
I, I want to know what will happen once, once it all stops, once the pain of this world ends. Will I go and stand beside my father…only to do more evil, no, maybe it won't be in this world, but somewhere I will get revenged. I have been betrayed. I have hurt him so badly…yet he went back for me, he actually decided to go back and help me. Me. I tried to kill him.
I feel so small now, like I am disappearing. I feel so simple. Like a child again, and I am being held so tightly. Everything is falling around me, yet I sense no fear in him, he just wants to get outside into that white land, he wants to get out alive, alive with me. I don't think I can hold on that long.
I never meant to harm anyone…not even Farah. I was never sure if I liked her; after all, it was she who he loved completely, not me…though I longed to be her.
I loose my consciousness temporarily and I am consumed in darkness. Then it suddenly hits me…I don't want to die! NO! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME! I want to scream and fuss, I feel suffocated, like I am drowning in a black sea. But then…I hear him call my name and I feel him holding me, I calm, I 'awake' back into this world. He is there; I am here. I am alive, if only for a few minutes more. I shouldn't fear…not now, in these last few moments. My head finally rolls back as I am carried down the many stone steps; I hear the continuous footfalls as he and Farah run, yet my eyes, they remain open. I see the glow of the vortex awaiting us outside the temple, I feel us move into it as I am bathed in its warmth.
I see the azure sky above me, so clear; it feels so near, almost like I can reach out, touch it and pull myself up onto it and then I can lie on it as if it were a blanket. I loose my consciousness again, I feel nearer to the sky now, I am calm, I can feel the breeze; it is calling my name. I feel like I am on the back of a bird, gliding through the sky. I move back into my body and into the real world. I feel my body against the snow. I see him calling my name, but I hear nothing. He takes me and shakes me, but I feel nothing. I feel so unconnected…it is so cold, why is it so cold? It is not the snow…it is different. I don't smell anything anymore and I don't taste anything. The blue sky is soon sealed away from my vision. I do not even feel my body…I do not even feel myself breathing. But…I know I still I'm breathing. My final breaths are approaching. What do I do? Do I say something? I do not wish to end up in a world of darkness…the fear appears to intensify and I am encased in it even more. My poem will not help here. The Prince, what did he do when he was scared? Then the word seems to form. I have never been there before…but I want to spend eternity there…I trust him, he found peace there, though he awoke to be betrayed. But I won't awake to be betrayed, not anymore. The pulsing beat of time slows. I let go of life…I am free now. Free to go to that fearless place. All I have to do is whisper the word…
"Kakolukia…"