17) Treasure every instant

This night had been like a gift to Raoul. Admittedly Christine and he hadn´t talked as much as he´d have liked to. The mere fact that she had really sat in his living room had made him strangely lost for words, almost as if he had been afraid she might dissolve the moment he said something wrong. Their conversation had mostly been about Pierre´s assault on Meg and how disgusting it had been. Although Christine hadn´t explicitly said so, he had sensed that she was glad about having a more pleasant companion.

Even though he had been encouraged by this, he hadn´t dared bring up the topic of marriage. Maybe she´d reject right away if he forced her to decide too soon. She had told him she had quite enjoyed the evening, apart from the part with Pierre, and he had hastily assured her that not all rich people were like him. She could apparently imagine belonging to Raoul´s part of society. All in all the conversation could have been much worse. At least there had been no awkward silence.

She had agreed to stay for the night, and - this was the best thing about it – they had not made love. Any other man would have thought Raoul insane for appreciating this. Yet after months of sex which hadn´t meant a thing to her he had been very happy about simply falling asleep with the knowledge that his beloved was right next to him.

Now he was awake for several minutes, watching her closely. Who knew if such an opportunity would ever come again? She looked like a goddess, but that wasn´t important. He´d still love her if she had the appearance of a scarecrow. He loved her because she was Christine, his Christine. Even if her heart belonged to somebody else.

But this moment was too precious to be wasted pondering. He bent over her, letting his face hover inches above hers. She smelled faintly of the scented soap she used. Raoul had grown to love this scent. If his life had been perfect, she would have woken up and kissed him now. It didn´t happen, but he hadn´t expected it either. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heartbeat. He was afraid it could disturb her.

Christine was pulled out of her dreams by warm breath tickling her face. Her initial thought was ´Erik!´. He was her first thought in the morning and the last in the evening. But even with her mind still a little sleepy she knew it couldn´t be him. It was someone else. "Raoul…", she whispered.

Raoul beamed at her. This had sounded so much better than the last time she had said his name after waking up. Or did he just imagine that there had been less disappointment in her voice? Yes, he probably overrated the meaning of this one word. But then, he couldn´t be too picky. He longed for any signs of that she might like him. "Good morning, love.", he said, boldly using a term of affection. The girl raised an eyebrow questioningly, but didn´t comment on his new bravery.

"Good morning, Raoul.", she muttered automatically and watched in surprise how the expression on his face rapidly changed from cheerful to sad. Raoul himself had no idea why he was so devastated all of a sudden. Had he expected her to use a term of affection as well, maybe even to say that she loved him and wanted to become his wife? ´Stop dreaming, Raoul!´, a voice in his head told him sharply. It sounded very much like his brother Philippe. ´This isn´t some fairytale. She didn´t love you when she fell asleep and she doesn´t love you now.´

Christine couldn´t bear seeing him like this, knowing perfectly well she was the reason. It wasn´t as if his well-being didn´t matter to her at all. He was still her best friend, even though she kept hurting him. Maybe she could at least make him feel better for a second. So she reached up, cupped his face in her hands and pressed her lips against his. Raoul stared at her in disbelief and held his breath, afraid of destroying the moment. They had kissed very often, yet it had always happened when their senses had already been clouded with lust. This kiss was different, almost… loving.

Like all good things it was over rather quickly. Looking into his eyes the girl noticed the love in them and felt more guilty that after their usual lovemaking. She had wanted to comfort him, but not by raising his hopes. "I´m sorry.", she said sheepishly, standing up quickly. "It´s all right.", he muttered, though his voice made clear that nothing was all right. He asked himself how much longer his heart would endure being thrown up and down. One day she wouldn´t be able to catch it, and it would fall to the ground and shatter into a thousand pieces.

With a slight smile he saw that she didn´t get her clothes as she normally did, but put on a dressing gown over her nightdress. Obviously she wanted to go to the bathroom. "Will you stay for breakfast?", he asked, sitting up. "If you want me to… of course.", she called over her shoulder. She didn´t know that her answer had made his day. His heart was soaring into the air again.