A:N: So I have returned, after long last. Bit of writer's block (not to mention my dad told me that if I don't get my grades up, I'll never use the computer again or go to Mexico this March), but it's gone. ^__^ w00t! I'll bet you guys are getting really tired of that word. w00t! ^___~ Sorry. Didn't mean to. Blame it on the Tall Caramel Frappuchino I had today—that thing is half sugar, half caffeine. Good stuff, that. ^___^ Yay Frappuchinos! The gods bless Starbucks, even if they are taking over the world! Especially the Caramel ones (Frappuchinos, not Starbucks. Wouldn't it be funny to see a Caramel Starbucks? I'd eat it, because caramel is very, very, very, very, very delicious)!! ^_________________^ And now I'm rambling. I'll get on with writing and you can get on with reading. And then hopefully reviewing. And then reading again. And then referring to your friends. And then— .:gets knocked out by Gimli:.
Gimli: .:ahems:. Ignore her. She has had over her share of caffeine today. You may read the story now, and the Akai-Sakura hopes that you enjoy it.
Disclaimer [by Gimli]: Since the Akai-Sakura is still unconscious, I'll say this for her. She does not own anyone except Lee and Mary Sue Creations (the company). The Grey Company is not hers to claim, and neither is Arda or any of its inhabitants. Especially the Dwarves.
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Chapter 5
How Not To Act Like A Mary Sue: Lesson I
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Lee trudged forward, wincing as her bare feet stumbled over yet another rock. "Kuso, damn rocks," she muttered. "I shake my fist at you." She did so. Walking around Middle-earth without shoes was not fun. How did the Mary Sues hack it?
Hopefully when they return home their feet are all blistered and torn up into pulpy shreds, she thought gleefully. Just don't let that happen to me. Powers That Be, please don't let me return home with shredded stumps for feet. How would I move around? I suppose I'd get a wheelchair. But how would I explain it to my parents? Oh yeah, Mom, I was just prancing around Middle-earth without shoes on.' Yeah, dream on. Ye gods, that dream the other night scared the crap out of me. Legolas needs to keep his distance. Wouldn't it be cool if Orlando Bloom portalled in here out of nowhere and Legolas got back in character and then the Elf proceeded to beat the living daylights out of the "actor"? Would serve him right, too. Stupid pretty-boy "actor". He's fresh out of drama school, he should know how to act. Otherwise he should ask for a refund. Or maybe he has a learning disability, in which case I shouldn't make fun of him. If he screws up Troy', I will be pissy. Orli, beware of Lee, spelled L-E-E.
The teenager's train of thought was quickly derailed as Pippin poked her. "Eh, Lee? Lee, right? You're stepping on my feet."
Lee blinked. "Nani? Oh!" She stepped backwards. "My bad. I'm sorry." She obviously hadn't meant to trod on the young hobbit's feet. Something was nagging her, so she spoke up. "Pippin, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but how old are you?"
Pippin looked surprised, but answered, "Twenty-eight."
"Still in his tweens, I might add," Merry joked. Pippin elbowed him into silence.
"Ten bucks says that I know something you don't," Lee broke in. Her remark was met by questioning eyes. "Er, five horses says," she quickly rephrased.
Boromir looked over at her. "What, Lee?"
Lee replied with a snerk, "Frodo's ten years older than you, Boromir."
There was a silence, then.
Frodo's eyes lost their vacuous look. "That's right I'd almost forgotten," he said with a truer, in-character ring to his voice. Lee blinked yet again. (She seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.) Would reminding the Company of the little-known facts of themselves bring them back into character? It sure seemed to work on Frodo, after all. And besides, it wasn't like she didn't know it anyway. It shouldn't be that difficult.
"And Sam's the same age as Faramir," she added, shooting a quick glance at the spot where Samwise Gamgee had mysteriously appeared in, looking confused and gratified.
Boromir cracked a smile. "Truly? I wasn't aware that one of our member was the age of my brother." He looked at Lee. "How did you know that?"
"Appendices," she remarked carelessly, then immediately realized her mistake. "I mean, uh oh shit," Lee muttered under her breath. How was she supposed to know this information? She was a stranger to Middle-earth, after all. It wasn't logical. Kuso, she thought, cringing inwardly. Somehow they're going to get it out of me.
Gimli shot her a glance, then said, "Boromir, leave well enough alone. Is it not enough that she knows such... unusual tidbits of knowledge?" His eyes twinkled, and Lee looked at him gratefully. Saved by the Dwarf, she thought, then repressed a wave of laughter that threatened to surface at the thought of the absurd show that would make.
Boromir's eyebrows shot up, but instead just said, "As you wish, my friend." He gave Lee a searching glance and continued to walk.
Determined to make the best of this newfound knowledge, Lee ignored the unsettling feeling in her gut and continued, "Aragorn and Gandalf met twelve years before Frodo was even born, and Frodo was born eight years before Denethor and Finduilas wed. Merry, you have a cousin named I want to say Celandine? On your dad's side. She's about twelve years younger than you, I believe, making her four years younger than Pippin here. Aragorn met Arwen three years before Faramir and Sam were born. Merry, wouldn't that make you eight years older than Pippin, and then that means that you're thirty-six? Or do I just suck at math?"
Merry gaped. Then, "Yes, I'm thirty-six. And her name is Celandine." His eyes also lost that look of mindless joking. "That's amazing, you knowing all of that. How d'you do it? And what is math'?"
Lee snorted. "Math is the subject of numbers. Did I just snort?"
Gimli stifled a chuckle. "Yes, Lee. I believe you did."
"Damn. I was afraid of that." Lee looked mildly amused.
Pippin's eyes, too, were back to normal. "How did you know all of that, Lee? Are you a wizard like Gandalf? Or can you read minds? Or can you—"
"Whoa, hold on, Pippin," Lee interrupted, holding her hands up. "I only know it because—well, er, you see" She trailed off. Would it be ethical to tell them that in her world, they were little more than characters in a book? That they were thought to be the figments of the imagination of the all-great Tolkien? Or would she destroy all of their lives by that?
"Well," she began reluctantly, beginning to improvise the story a little, "where I'm from, all of you are recorded in a book. Your travails, your losses, your gains. And in the back of the last one, there's a timeline and a few family trees. And since I love to read these books, I know them by heart. Besides, they're interesting." Hopefully she hadn't revealed too much.
Pippin's eyes were huge. "Really?" he asked excitedly. "They know about me? I'm in a book? And people can read about me whenever they want?"
The hobbit's fascination and mood was highly contagious. Lee smiled and replied, "You bet. I even have a copy of the story in my room at home. Anything else you'd like to know?" Pippin's mouth quirked as he opened his mouth, but Lee interrupted. "Let me guess, now," she said, waving her hand. " The names of all the stars, and of all living things and the whole history of Middle-earth and Over-heaven and of the Sundering Seas. Of course! What less?' That's my favorite line." She grinned. If all of her stay in Middle-earth was like this, then it might not be so bad.
But what was she thinking? She wasn't supposed to be in Middle-earth. Didn't she realize how potentially dangerous she was? Lee knew that. She should have been at home, safely re-reading her books, imagining herself in Rohan like she always did.
But wasn't this ten times better?
No! No, this wasn't good. Lee felt a sinking sensation in her stomach. She had behaved the way a Mary Sue would, prattling off information like a complete showoff. Not only had she succumbed into what came naturally instead of fighting it, she had acted completely out of character herself. This wasn't like her. This was too Mary-Sueish. And to be perfectly honest, it scared the crap out of her.
Lee shivered. Suddenly the day lost all of its happiness and light, and she just wanted to cuddle up in her bed with her mom sitting next to her, stroking her hair like she hadn't done since Lee was seven. And she could feel the pain in her feet again. Damnit, Lee thought miserably as she trudged forward in silence.
Noticing the awkward silence, Gimli looked up. "It is getting dark," he observed. "Gandalf, what do you say we rest up and spare our feet a little longer?"
Lee looked up in sudden surprise. She hadn't known Gandalf was here. Well, she knew he was supposed to be here, but she hadn't seen him since that glimpse of Ian McKellan at the Council. And sure enough, there he stood, robed in grey and clutching onto his staff.
"I agree, Gimli my friend," the wizard replied. "Perhaps we should help ourselves to a night of rest." His eyes rested on Lee, and by the amusement in them she was sure that he had noticed her predicament. "Let us drink up to our first two days of journeying." He set out flasks of miruvor. "Come, Legolas! Aragorn! There is not much to fear. We will not run into any trouble here." Lee suddenly remembered that Gandalf knew what he was doing, and therefore wouldn't run them into any harm.
Aragorn twitched and replied, "Gandalf, my friend, are you sure we are safe?"
Gandalf returned his gaze without twitching and answered levelly, "I am sure of it, Aragorn."
Pippin burst in, "Come, Strider! Let's drink and be merry!"
Merry looked up. "What?"
Boromir smiled. "Surely a little rest will hurt no one."
"Humph! I refuse to eat with such an unbeautiful female," sniffed Legolas. Lee glared at him and stuck her tongue out childishly, to her later dismay.
Sam plopped down next to Frodo. "Mr. Frodo, what do you think?"
The group fell silent. After all, Frodo should make the decisions, although why he would decide to not do something like this was beyond Lee's comprehension. The hobbit smiled and nodded. "Aye, Sam. I don't see any reason why we shouldn't."
The tension slipped away, and Gimli set out a few flasks nearly identical to the ones Gandalf had. "Dwarf ale," he whispered to Lee, winking. "The strongest drink in the land. Best we had get a good night's sleep tonight, Lee."
"Yup," Lee managed. Dwarf ale? She was traveling with a band of drunkards! She sighed. Oh well. If I have a choice, I'll take the miruvor, she thought. At least I won't end up drunk as a bat.
Gimli stood. "Excuse me, Lee," he said, "but Gandalf and I must talk."
"About?" Lee gestured wildly, curious. Okay, morbidly curious would be a better description, but for the purposes of context, we'll let it slide.
Strangely, Gimli looked slightly abashed. "Nothing you need worry about," he assured hastily, almost running to talk to Gandalf.
Lee stared, then shrugged. "Oh well," she muttered to herself. "At least I won't have to deal with the drunkards." She watched as Pippin took a sip of dwarf ale and stepped back staggeringly. Merry and Frodo roared with laughter and Sam allowed himself to laugh a bit, but then narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Lee when he realized that she was watching them. She quickly averted her gaze. Honestly, she didn't blame Sam one bit for being suspicious. After all, she was one of the girls who "fell from the sky" and ruined their lives continually.
She moved her gaze to where Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas sat. Legolas was quietly drinking miruvor while shooting death glares at Lee. She pretended to ignore him, inwardly seething at the nerve of the stuck-up Elf. Why did he have to be such a bastard? If he knew that I had been one of his main supporters back home, he wouldn't be acting this way, she reasoned. Aragorn seemed to have loosened up a bit, and Boromir had risen and was walking over to where Lee sat.
"Well done, Lee," he said as he sat beside her. The girl blinked.
"Nani?"
"For bringing most of us back to the way we once were before those wretched women," Boromir replied, shuddering. "I was driven by my groin constantly. Not very pleasant, to say the least." He chuckled.
Lee managed a weak smile. Ye gods, does he know that I have a huge crush on him? Oh Manwë, pleeease don't let me screw this up. "Or for the girls who you took it out on," she found herself saying sardonically. "I for one didn't find it nice."
Boromir smiled. "Aye, I'm sure that you did not. I mean no offense, but neither did I."
"Boromir!" Gandalf called. "May we talk to you as well?"
"Aye," Boromir called back. "Excuse me, Lee." He rose and left to converse with Gimli and Gandalf. Lee looked at the flasks of miruvor and dwarf ale. Which was which? She was starting to get really thirsty, and she didn't want to end up drunk as a well, as a Dwarf. "Or a hobbit," she corrected, stealing a glance at the four holbytlan. "Crazy little munchkins, they are." Of course, this put her in mind of the Wizard of Oz and imagining Sam, Frodo, Pippin, and Merry singing, "We represent the Lollipop Land," was enough to make her snort again—quietly.
"Oh, what the fuck," she muttered. "I'm sure that it won't hurt even if I do have a little ale and I'm feckin' thirsty" She reached for a flask and downed half of it in one gulp. Pulling back, Lee gasped. "Damn, that's good!" she remarked, taking another swig. And another. And another