Author´s note: Wow, we´ve actually arrived at chapter 20, and the story in nowhere near the end (not that I already knew what the end will be). Thanks for the reviews! They really keep me going.

20) A simple life

His words made Meg jump as if she had been beaten. She glared at him. What a stupid question! A gigantic "No!" was on the tip of her tongue… but somehow she couldn´t get it out. On the contrary, it slid back into her throat, making her cough. What was wrong with her? Why couldn´t she tell what she was feeling?

´Because you´re not sure what you´re feeling.´, the more rational part of her mind stated. The girl tried to recall the countless times Erik and she had met in the last three months. Had she never been afraid, not a single time, not even a little? The incident involving the raw meat came to her mind. She had been shocked when Erik had told her he had just killed a stagehand. She had reacted like that because murder was a despicable crime, but there had been more. For a fleeting moment she had wondered how much she actually knew about the man she was with.

´But I wasn´t scared.´, she assured herself stubbornly. This morning, however, she had been afraid, afraid of his strength, afraid of what he could do to her. It had been just this one moment that had changed so much. She wished she could simply forget it. But then, perhaps this would be exactly the wrong way. Meg had pushed these thoughts to the back of her mind far too long. She had to think it all over.

Raoul had followed the change of expressions on her face attentively. The moment he gave up expecting an answer he suddenly received it. "I don´t know.", Meg said. The single letters were like sharp pieces of glass in her mouth, hurting her more than she´d have believed possible. She felt like a traitor, trampling on Erik´s love.

She could still hear his parting words: Just don´t forget that I love you. Her heart was throbbing painfully, and she understood. She loved him as well. But… "I still love him. I just don´t know if I trust him.", she told Raoul. He nodded. "And he? Does he love you?", he asked quietly. This time Meg didn´t hesitate for as long as a second. "Yes, he loves me." Raoul had rarely got a reply spoken with more conviction.

"Talk to him.", he advised the girl. "Tell him about your worries. I´m certain everything will be fine as long as you love him and he loves you." There was something in his voice that startled Meg. Was it envy? "Is everything all right with Christine and you?", she wanted to know. Before yesterday she had had no idea that two were more than friends. They had gone out a few times, but that had been months ago. Meg asked herself why she hadn´t thought meeting them in the restaurant to be strange right away. Probably she had been too pleased to see them to question it.

"Oh yes, everything is fine.", the young man answered, each of his words dripping with sarcasm. "Why shouldn´t it be fine? She comes to me almost every night and we sleep with each other. Then she leaves again. The perfect relationship, isn´t it? No obligations, no further duties, no nothing. There´s just a tiny flaw: I love her! And for heaven´s sake, I want her to love me as well. But she doesn´t. In her eyes I´m only her… How does you lover express it so superbly? Her ´obedient servant´!"

Meg watched his outburst in surprise. All of a sudden the sensitive, understanding man was gone. Now he reminded her of the frightening pictures of volcanic eruptions she had once seen. "Raoul, I… I´m sorry.", she muttered, feeling very awkward. She didn´t know how to cope with him when he behaved like that. It made her slightly scared.

"Don´t you dare pity me!", he hissed. Imitating a high-pitched female voice he cried: "Look who´s coming! It´s poor Raoul. He loves a woman who´ll never love him, but he´s too much of a coward to tell her to leave. He prefers suffering day and night, the lovesick fool.". Then he returned to his normal voice and said: "Do you have any idea what I think about this situation? It´s a … it´s…". He sighed in frustration, silently cursing his good upbringing. He didn´t even know decent swearwords!

He threw a sideways glance at Meg to see if she´d try to say something… and froze. The girl was staring at him, her eyes full of anxiety. She was even trembling slightly. Raoul realised how much his unfriendly behaviour must have added to her fear of men. "Oh Meg, I´m so sorry.", he whispered. "I hurt your feelings and was too busy wallowing in self-pity to notice it."

"It wasn´t that bad.", she assured him. She was unwilling to think about whether every harsh word from a man she was exposed to would cause her to panic from now on. Eager to focus his attention back on his problem she asked: "Are you sure Christine doesn´t love you? Maybe she´s just too shy to say so explicitly.". "I wish I could believe that.", Raoul said. "But I know it´s not true. Christine loves another man. She has told me so over and over again. And even if she hadn´t done it – her eyes give it away. Every time we make love it´s him she sees, not me. It´s he who kisses her, he who caresses her. I´m so tired of all this…"

"Why don´t you tell her?", Meg asked, smiling slightly. The irony of repeating his own suggestion was not lost on her. "Perhaps you´re right.", Raoul muttered, jumping up from the bench. "Yes, that´s what I´ll do. Right now." He stretched out a hand and offered it to the girl. "I´ll take you to the opera. Surely your mother knows where Christine is. And you´ll talk to your beloved." Meg stood up without the help of his hand. She couldn´t help thinking that this conversation had been more useful for him than for herself.