A:N: IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG! .:sniffle:. I realize that I am a horrid updater and that as penance I should be chained in the BadBadfic section of the Pit of Voles for enough time. .:thinks of Plato's "The Cave" and shudders:. Aaaanyway…! .:huggles all readers, even the ones that don't review:. I think I want Thranduil to do the Disclaimer. More nominees, please! Oh, no, never mind, I know exactly who I want to do this chapter's disclaimer. Thranduil's awe-inspiring-ness will have to wait for this….
Disclaimer by Glorfindel: The Akai-Sakura has sent me here to tell you that she does not own Arda. This is a good thing, for if she did, it would be a very odd place. Mainly she would spend her days with the Lady Eowyn and clinging to Glorfindel— .:breaks off and looks alarmed:.
Akai-Sakura's voice: Oh, he's so silly! Glorfindel, keep going.
I… I do not think I can, Akai-Sakura. I think… oh, look, is that another Balrog? I must go slay it! .:runs for his life:.
…
Akai-Sakura's voice: Oh, schist. Okay, not mine, all Tolkien's, yay Tolkien, except for Lee, there. Now, where did my Glorfindel go?
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Chapter 9
That Time Of The Month Part II: Revenge of the Mary-Sue Powers
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A very loud shriek rang out over the clear blue mid-afternoon sky.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!"
Back on Middle-earth, Lee was dashing about like a madwoman. "Convenient river! Convenient river! I need to wash the blood stains out!" She paused. "Ten to one nobody has any sanitary gear," she grumbled. "This bites the big one."
The Nine Companions were in shock. "Is… is there anything we can help you with, Lee?" Frodo ventured softly.
Lee heard her voice say dryly, "Frodo, unless you are hiding something from me, your Companions, and the rest of Middle-earth, you are at a complete loss." Well, at least she wasn't losing her head over this or anything. Calculating, her mind whirled around. Of course… the random rants of the mind had been hailing lately. Plus she'd been only mildly cursing. She should have seen the large neon sign over her head: LEE IS 'PMS'ING!
She started hyperventilating… again. "White dress! Blood stains! I! NEED! TAMPONS!" Oops. Had she said that last one aloud?
Judging by the looks of bewilderment on the nine males' faces… yes.
Damnit.
Lee paused in her madness long enough to screech, "Mary-Sue powers! I beseech you! Send me a fa-reakin' convenient river! For once, let me have the astoundingly dim Mary-Sue powers!" She squeezed her eyes shut in hopes that the Powers That Be might send her the Mary-Sue powers, just for a second… if she was lucky… and the Powers That Be were cool….
No dice.
She opened her eyes with a sigh. "Well, never mind then. I guess that nobody up there is listening. That sucks, you stupid Powers That Be!" She shook her perfectly manicured fist at the sky.
Wait. Manicured nails? Me?
Lee instantly pulled her fist back and opened her hand, studying the back of it. Sure enough, her nails were French-tipped. She checked the other hand. So were those nails. A sneaking suspicion crept up on her and she fearfully looked down at her normally-flat chest. She… was…
At least a D-cup, that's for sure.
Not to mention clad in a blue tank top. She bent down further, willing this not to be true. Her legs were encased in blue denim. Her feet were shod in high-heeled sandals. How practical.
Now this was getting freaky. Lee straightened up and her long, wavy blond hair fell around her shoulders. She grabbed a fistful. Oh, no. Nonononono. I hate being taken literally.
Her hand strayed to her neck. A necklace hung around it, silver and intricate and something she would never be caught dead in, considering that the jewels studded in it hurt her eyes. She dropped it and stared. At least I'm not bleeding anymore.
"Li, your loveliness is too much to bear," she heard a male voice say. She froze.
"Oh, no fucking way," she heard her own voice say.
She forced her eyes to focus on the kneeling form in front of her. Boromir, his head bowed, replied, "I know not what you said, fair lady, but I am yours, believe it."
Lee scowled. "Ti pots!" she growled. "It's not funny, Boromir. Get up." She looked around. "Where's Gimli?"
"Gimli?" Legolas, fuzzy-eyed, frowned. "Who is this Gimli of whom you speak?"
"Ohshitohshitohshit." She paced, Boromir's eyes following her hungrily. "C'mon. Gimli, son of Gloin? Dwarf? The cool Dwarf… oh, fucking come on, Legolas, he's your best friend!" She stopped long enough to glare at the Sue-induced Lusty!Boromir. "Boromir, cut the shit and get up. I'm not beautiful, you know that, so stop looking at me like that. Aargh! This. Is. Such. Bullshit," she ground out flatly.
Her mind reeled. Well, last time she snapped them out of it by reciting facts from the Appendices. But isn't that just even more 'Sue-ish? she thought miserably. She was stuck in a rut and there was no way out. Unless maybe somebody else came in and saved her miserable butt – which, by the way, was transformed from its usual nonexistance to about a size 7. She growled again. Her mind kept going on these stupid soliloquies about her angsty, angsty life and her body, of all things. Since Lee suffered from a bad case of morbidius curious, she cautiously opened her mind to one of the many ridiculous angsts and heard:
She couldn't take it. Legolas said he loved her, yes, and so did Boromir. But how could she trust another man again after what Joe did to her? He – she shuddered at the remembrance – seduced and raped her. He beat her. Just to remember her horror, she looked at her arms and noted the lacy pattern of cuts. She had cut herself to escape the pain of it all, to rise above the horrificness. But Legolas had caught her one day, and, taking one look at her and knowing what she was doing, immediately took the dagger away and held her as she wept. She had cried tears of diamond that night, weeping long into the night. Legolas assured her that nothing bad would happen, but did he mean it? Or did he just want sex, like all the rest? And Boromir, with those hungry, lustfilled eyes of his, he wanted to devour her body, and she knew it. She was afraid of him, and he liked it. She knew it turned him on, her fear, and he loved the taste of fear in a woman's mouth. He would rape her again, she just knew it.
Lee's mind attempted to stage a revolt, but the angst was too much.
What if Legolas was like that too? What if they would all just take her one day and she would never see her family ever again? She couldn't go through Joe again. Not with anyone. This was too much. All she really wanted was to be happy again, but that didn't seem possible.
Suddenly, a very familiar voice in her head spoke out.
Using rape as a tool for sympathy? Oh, that's low, Mary Sue. How degrading to every girl that's actually been raped. So what? Girl gets raped and dresses like a slut? Probably not likely. Check your facts. And "lacy pattern of cuts"? What, did she use a doily as a guide or something? Cutters don't tend to do it in a pattern… they tend to just cut. Duh. And Boromir is not, not, NOT a rapist or anything similar! Christ on a bike! Just because the Ring took hold of him doesn't make him a bad person! Aargh! And "horrificness"? Is that even a word? I'm all for made-up words in conversation, but not in prose, and urplish prose at that. I like the "tears of diamond" bit… makes me think of the Sue's eyes leaking precious and semi-precious gems at the drop of a hat. As opposed to what, weeping tears of mother-of-pearl? How wonderfully asinine.
Boromir blinked. "Li, is something wrong? You seem to be… fading…." He trailed off uncertainly.
Lee chanced a glance at her hands. "Oh, Christ on a bike!" she yelped. Her body looked like someone was fine-tuning a television. She fuzzed in and out. Helplessly, she stared at the Fellowship.
They stared right back at her.
And suddenly, she knew exactly what to do.
She drew a deep breath and…
"My name is Lee O'Brien. Not Li whatever-her-name-is. I am not Chinese or Asian in the slightest. In fact, I'm Irish and English, or British, or whatever. I still buy clothes in the Girls' section – size fourteen, as a matter of fact – because I am skinny. Not slender, not willowy, skinny. I was never raped, I have never cut myself purposely, and I certainly do not find Legolas Thranduillion sexually attractive. Nor do I find Orlando Bloom attractive at all. I am not and have never been good at singing; usually my voice is comparable to a rusty old car door opening. I am not brilliant in every subject – I am surprisingly stupid when it comes to anything past basic math or science of any kind. I don't like manicures, I don't like high heels, I don't like long hair, and I particularly do not like all of these things combined. Thus, I can't be this girl insinuated here, because even I'm not stupid enough to think that any of this logically tallies."
Lee hung her head. Hopefully, that satisfied whomever's in charge here, she thought. Finally, timidly, she looked up.
Boromir was getting up off his knees, puzzled. "Why was I praising your beauty, Lee?" he asked confusedly. "I mean no offense, but… you are not exceptionally beautiful…."
Gimli clapped a hand on Legolas's shoulder. "Pray do not forget again, my friend? 'Tis tiring to see you stare right through me."
The Elf nodded fervently. "I shall try not to, friend. It is far too confusing to have you here one moment, yet gone the next."
Lee blew out the breath she had held in since finishing her tirade. Gandalf let out a laugh. "Well! One of these women with a good head on their shoulders, at last!" He clapped her on the shoulder. "I would ask to celebrate, but I suppose you've had your fill of dwarf ale, young madam?"
She winced and replied, "Can we not talk about that? I'm already trying to repress that particular memory." Aragorn chuckled, Pippin grinned, and Sam allowed a smile, albeit with a tinge of distrust. Lee managed a shaky smile in return. That was scary, she thought, a little disturbed. The angsting is still echoing in my head… is that normal? If I got rid of that Mary Sue, then why do I still feel like she could pop out at any moment? "Well," she finally broke in, "you've got to head towards Hollin. It's not exactly a short walk."
"Agreed," Aragorn said. "Let us go on and—" He paused, a puzzled look on his face. "Lee? 'You've got to head towards Hollin'?"
She stared at him. "Well, yeah. You have to destroy the Ring."
"But you're coming too, right, Lee?"
All heads turned towards the source of the question. Sam closed his mouth uncertainly. "Well, only if you want to, I mean," he added awkwardly. "It's just… if you can fight off the influence of… of them women, then I reckon you could make it just fine with us."
Lee blinked, then smiled another shaky smile. "I'm honored, Sam, really," she started. "But I have to get home, and I…."
"It's settled, then." Gimli reached up and patted the teenager on her shoulder. "Lee is added to our Company and will travel with us until she can find a way back to her home. Wherever that may be."
"Stay," Merry said seriously. "If Sam wants you to stay, you're nothing but welcome with us."
Legolas smiled. "Surely these women are worse than Sauron, for no matter how many times they are slain, they return nonetheless. If you can keep them away, you must be some kind of fighter. So stay."
Boromir said, putting his hand on Lee's arm and successfully turning her a brilliant shade of red, "I believe that you can get home, Lee, but until then, you cannot just stay alone in a land you are unfamiliar with. We shall at least offer you some traveling companions."
Pippin added, "Yes, Lee. You can travel with us, and who knows when you'll find a way to your home? Besides, you're funny."
Everyone looked toward Frodo again. He smiled. "I haven't said a word against her. And as to your protesting, Lee… well, it is you who said it first. Erm… teapots?"
Lee broke into a real smile, her eyes watering. "You guys… ohh, damn. Of course I'll stay." She looked to Frodo. "And Ringbearer, it's not 'teapots', it's ti pots."
"Tee-pots?"
"Eesh… close enough."
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A made-up term for morbid curiosity. Courtesy of my friend Alice after a long day involving emo-kid jokes and gummi bears. (Emo Bear is sadly no more. He was so emo that he threw himself out the window of a moving bus. And by that, I mean Alice threw him out.) (Yes, I enjoy emo-kid jokes. They're astoundingly funny. You should try them sometime.)