27) Though I might wish with all my might

Maybe he should have insisted that she stayed with him. Standing at the door she had looked like a child, in need of someone to guide her. Why had he let her go? He was feeling so very lonely in the solitude of his bedroom. Closing his eyes tightly he imagined having her in his arms, kissing her long hair. His lips trailed down her neck, which was so elegant when she danced, over her shoulder and to her-

Suddenly Christine´s picture pushed itself into his mind. She seemed to watch him, to mock him with an ironic smile. He could almost hear her say: ´Why should you love her when you can also have me? You only took her because I was out of sight.´. And she was right. He loved Christine. In fact, he had never stopped loving her, not even for a second. But since she didn´t want him, he had to decide for something else. Ariane wasn´t such a bad option. ´After all´, Raoul thought, rolling over in his bed. ´I´m much too young to live in celibacy.´

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Having been very tired Meg had gone to bed at least two hours earlier than usual. At first she had slept soundly, but now, in the middle of the night, she was wide awake. Even with a candle lit the room was very dark. The girl was afraid of staring at the shadows, half-expecting someone to jump out of them. Yet she was equally afraid of falling asleep again.

Had the dreadful experience with Pierre caused her nightmares or would they have started sooner or later anyway? This one question raced through her head. There was no one who could help her find an answer. Going to Erik was impossible for several reasons. He was deeply involved in her problem himself. Besides, he didn´t know about Pierre´s assault, and Meg didn´t plan to ever tell him. Christine was not available, and Raoul… he was probably just ruining Ariane´s reputation in some bed.

The thought made her inhale sharply. Was her reputation ruined as well because she had let Erik make love to her? ´Of course not.´, she answered bitterly. ´Nobody knows about us. It´s as if our relationship didn´t exist. To the world I´m Meg Giry, the lucky girl who is courted by Pierre Devoiraux.´ ´At least Pierre is open about what he wants from you.´, a nasty voice in her head hissed.

Meg threw the blanket aside and got up quickly. She couldn´t bear being alone for as long as another minute; the pondering would make her go insane. She put on her dressing gown and wrapped it around her tightly. Then she took the candlestick from the table. She opened the door and crossed the corridor as quickly and quietly as possible. After just a few moments she entered her mother´s bedroom.

As she didn´t want to wake her up she blew out the candle. Fortunately she could find the way to the large armchair even in the dark. She sat down on it and curled up into a ball. Meg positively sank into the softness of the chair. Listening to her mother´s breathing she was finally able to drift off to sleep.

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There were few things as peaceful as watching another person sleep. Erik had rarely had this pleasure, and he quite enjoyed it. At first he had been a little angry because Christine´s presence kept him from playing the organ, which was his favourite activity at night. He had already reached his normal amount of sleep of a few hours. So what else remained for him to do?

He had pulled a chair closer to Christine´s bed and settled down on it. Even though it was dark he could see her face almost as clearly as at day-time. Her lips parted slightly, and a small sigh escaped them. A moment later the corners of her mouth twitched. It looked as if she was smiling. ´At least she´s not dreaming about me then.´, Erik thought. ´It appears that all I can bring people is a lot of nightmares. It´s a miracle that she can sleep at all, knowing I´m nearby.´

But sleep she could; she even was still smiling. It occurred to him that one day this girl would make a man very happy. Or was she maybe already doing that? Erik had seen the Vicomte and her together at the opera, though none of them had been aware of it. They hadn´t made an especially happy impression. It had been almost ridiculous how the young man had tried to draw her attention to him with affectionate gestures and little presents while Christine had hardly noticed that her was there.

If he had only had these facts, Erik would have doubted that they were a couple. Yet something he had overheard a while ago made him question this statement. He hadn´t thought about it for weeks, but watching Christine sleep it came to his mind again. Erik had happened to be in the opera stables when one of the coachmen had fetched a bucket of water for his horse and met a stagehand. In the beginning Erik hadn´t listened to their pointless talk, but Christine´s name had caught his attention. ´Every other night Mlle.Daaé comes to my coach in the evening. It´s always the de Chagny estate she wants to be brought to. I bet Nero could find the way there without my help by now.´

Erik had inched closer, which was good for the coachman´s voice had dropped to a whisper when continuing: ´Once the girl forgot her handbag on the seat, so I went after her to give it back to her. They hadn´t locked the door properly; I could just walk in. And there they were in the corridor, Christine and the Vicomte – right in the middle of… you know. Well, all I can say is that our little prima donna had quite a nice body…" The men had roared with laughter while Erik had been beside himself with rage. How had they dared speak about his student in such a disgusting way?

Only the thought that Meg wouldn´t approve of him becoming a murderer had saved the men´s necks – literally. The next day, however, both of them had been dismissed. Money stolen from several dressing rooms had been found in their pockets. They had sworn that they had never seen, let alone taken it, but nobody had believed them. Erik had been pleased that his non-violent method had worked well.

He still had no idea whether the story the coachman had told was true. It was a topic that had to be approached carefully. He couldn´t just ask Christine if she frequently made love to the Vicomte on the floors of corridors. Since he hadn´t seen her face to face for months at that time, it wouldn´t have been possible anyway, even if he had been bold enough.

But now Christine was here. There was no reason not to bring up the subject sometime. He wanted her to lead a content life. If this included the kind of activity he had heard of, he wouldn´t mind. Erik just had to advise her to be a little more discreet with it. No one cared about the chorus girls having dozens of admirers. But Christine was an important singer. She couldn´t afford such a behaviour. He shook his head as he pulled the blanket over an arm that refused to lie under it. The rules of society matter very little to him. He just wanted his student to be happy.