Chapter Two: In Which A Drunken Elf Goes Psycho

Bob grew up to be a strong, smart, handsome Orc.

Not.

Let's face the facts: by the age of 20 he was weak, stupid, and butt ugly. But, what Orc isn't?

"I like cheese..." Bob began.

"Cheese rocks!" Billy, Bob's little brother, said.

Penelope sighed. Why, oh why, had she married Frank the Orc? And why had she had two idiotic children with him? Why, why, why?

Frank had been dead for several years. He had fallen head first into a toilet and had drowned. His last words had been, "Oopsie doodles."

"Ma, can we have cheese for dinner?" Bob asked.

Penelope stood up. "I am sick of this! No no no!"

"Oh. Can we have tacos, then?" Billy asked.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Penelope scream. "Nooooooooooooooo! I'm sick of this! I'm out of here."

With that, Penelope stormed out of the house, never to be seen by Bob or Billy again.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Billy cried. "Now we can't have tacos for dinner."

"Cheer up!" Bob said. "It'll be okay."

Billy sniffed. "How?"

"We still have cheese!" Bobannounced, gleefully.

"Hurray!" Billy said, leaping up.

With that, the two brothers put on their pink tu-tus and danced a little jig with their pet Chihuahua, Ralph.

"Arf," Ralph said.

"Hey, let's go join the Uruk-Hai!" Bob said.

"Okay!" Billy said.

Just then, a drunken elf burst into the room. "I'll kill YOU STupid ORCS! hick ALL of you ORCS SUCK! You kiLLEd my WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE FAMily! I'll hick get yoU ORCS back! You'LL SEE! YOU'LL ALL SEE! hick"

"I think he's drunk," Billy said.

"I AIN'T drUnk!" The elf said, toppling over, his knees shaking. "You're DRunk!"

"I am?" Bob asked.

Then, the drunken elf pulled out a spoon. "DIE you stUPID Orcs!"

Any smart Orc would've been able to dodge the drunken elf and his spoon. But, Bob and Billy were not smart. The drunken elf lunged forward and stabbed Billy with the spoon.

"Ouch."

Then, Billy and the drunken elf toppled backwards, falling into the fires of Mount Doom.

"I told Ma we should've moved," Bob said, opening up his back door with led strait down to the bottom of the fiery volcano.

Billy's last words were this: "Ah, crap!"

Then, there was a big explosion. Billy and the drunken elf were dead!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bob yelled.

Bob crossed his arms. "That's it! I've had it! I'm tired of being an Orc and always having those big, nasty elves pick on me!" He thought a moment. Ding! A light bulb magically appeared over his head. "By George, I think I've go it!"

Bob walked out of his house (out his front door, not back, as not to fall into Mordor and take a trip to Orc Heaven and/or Orc Hell) and smiled. "That's it! I'm a genious! Why hadn't I thought of it sooner? It's the perfect plan! I'll stop being an Orc and become a Hobbit!"

Bob set out for the Shire, his big, yellow fangs gleaming from the sunlight as he smiled.
Ralph trotted behind him, his little, pink tu-tu still on.