Chapter Four: In Which Bob Saves The Day And Pippin Runs Into A Telephone Pole While Doing Disco
Bob chased Disco/Elvis Impersonator Pippin all around the Shire.
"Mwahaha!" Pippin laughed, for about the zillionth time that day. "I am the king!"
"You suck!" Bob yelled.
"Thank you! Thank you very much!" Pippin said, smushing his mouth into that weird,
Elvis expression. As he ran, he thrust his hips and pointed his fingers in that Disco-ish way.
Just then, Pippin ran into a telephone pole. I guess running, hip thrusting, mouth smushing, Disco-ish pointing, and talking were just too much for the poor, stupid Hobbit.
As the telephone pole fell over, it caused a chain reactions.
The telephone pole falling over caused a horse to be crushed.
The horse being crushed caused a bunch of Hobbits to freak out, scream, and run.
A bunch of Hobbits freaking out, screaming, and running caused a bunch of chickens and cows to go psycho and set all of the houses on fire.
A bunch of chickens and cows going psycho and setting all of the houses on fire caused the entire town to go up in flames.
The entire town going up in flames caused Bob and Pippin to say in unison, "Oh, crap!"
The entire Shire was surrounded by fire! Bob had to act quick. So, he did what anyone in this case would do: he called 911.
"Operator! Operator! There's a fire!" Bob said.
"'Ello? Zis is Pizza Hut. I zink you called ze wrong number. But, in ze off chance that you didn't, 'ow may I 'elp you?" the man on the telephone asked.
"Send an extra large pepperoni pizza, and quick!" Bob yelled into the phone before hanging up. He began to dial again, but the phone rang.
"Hello?" Bob said into the phone.
"Is your refrigerator running?" a voice asked.
Bob looked around his house, realizing that he didn't own a refrigerator. "No."
"Well, um, too bad! Mwahaha!" the voice said.
"Dang it, Frodo! It only works if they say yes!" another voice on the phone said.
"Shut up, Gandalf!" the first voice yelled.
Bob shrugged and hung up. By this time, the entire Shire had essentially been burned into little, tiny bits. Calling 911 was pointless.
"Help! Help! My baby's stuck in our house that's on fire!" a Hobbit lady said.
Bob, doing the heroic, un-Orcish thing, ran into the house. He picked up the small baby (which smelled bad) and tossed it out the window.
"Ouch," the baby said. "Next time, put me down, don't throw me!"
"Oops," Bob said.
Then, Bob heard someone else screaming. He ran to the other side of the house. It was an old, Hobbit woman with her back turned towards him. Bob reached out and grabbed her shoulder, but when she turned around, it wasn't an old woman.
It was the Green Goblin!
"Uncle Bert?" Bob asked.
"Bob! Sunny boy! I ain't seen you since you was a baby!" Bert said.
"Why are you green?" Bob asked
"Huh?" Bert asked. "Oh, yeah. Well, I had joined the Blue Man Group, but I got a little confused."
"Oh," Bob said, walking with Bert outside.
"My hero!" some fat, Hobbit lady said.
"You're a hero?" Bert asked Bob. "I disown you!"
With that, Bert stormed off, never to be seen again. (Some think that he went on to star in the first Spider-Man movie. Others think that he became the lead singer in the Green Man Group. Still, others think that he joined a band of feral Kermit the Frog wanna be's).
As the astounded Hobbits surrounded Bob, praising him for saving the baby. Bob's wig fell off. Everyone gasped.
"He's an Orc!" Someone cried.
"Oopsie doodles," Bob said.