Chapter Nine: All This Time Is Passing By I Think It's Time To Just Move On
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, Without A Trace or the FBI. I do however own my imagination, my Muse, my insanity, my fangirliness and my dreams.
A/N:- I'm away staying at a cottage in the middle of nowhere from Monday to Friday with no onlineness so here's a long update for you to get you through the week.
Dedicated To:
Raspberry Muffin, Without A Trace Freak, Tea, NightMage, Berta101, Give Love A Break, Little Tussi
Spooky Bibi – Feel free to yell at the characters any time you want!
Jtsideout389 – Here, have a tissue. You may need it! Hehe
Csigirlie156 – It's nice to be loved instead of attacked by shoes once in a while! Well, I play the piano so don't start any instrument warfare!
Bdoney – Thank you for the long review. I'm glad you like it. Ouch that must have really hurt! Maybe you have some idea of what Martin's feeling then? I could only use my imagination and that was painful enough!
SusanWATfan – Thanks I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Isabell89 – I'm sorry! You'll just have to wait a bit. It will happen …………… unless I'm feeling very sadistic!
By the time Samantha had had a chance to think things through over the weekend, she was one hundred percent sure that Martin hadn't meant what he had said. She was angry when she had made that long self-righteous speech to him, and he was just reacting off of that. She shouldn't have lost it with him but in typical Samantha Spade mode she had fallen back into being aggressive when she couldn't get her own way. In this case, she had wanted so badly to be able to reach out to him and Martin wouldn't even let her try. She remembered a time when she hadn't been like that. A time ten years ago when being with Martin had taught her that you didn't always have to fight to get what you wanted since sometimes what you wanted came along anyway.
She sat down at her desk and looked across to where Martin sat at his desk. She could go over and apologise and hope that he would take back what he said or she could pretend it had never happened and carry on as normal. She bit her lip. Not normal as in before though. She had also thought a lot about what Jack had said about her being there to help him through this dark time and although what had happened last week and been a bit of a hopeless disaster, she wasn't about to give up. Martin had never given up on her and now he needed her, she was going to damn well be there for him.
"Everything okay?" Vivian asked, walking up to her, glancing from her to Martin and then back again.
"A picture of perfection, can't you tell?" Samantha giving a sickly smile. She walked over to Danny's desk to drop off a list of possible suspects and pinching the bridge of her nose hard, she approached Martin.
"How was your weekend?" she asked.
Martin stared at her as if she had just said the most ridiculous thing ever. "Why?"
Samantha shrugged. "I'm just trying to make simple conversation."
Martin's eyes narrowed and he gave a slight glance around him. Samantha knew that he wouldn't want to make a scene in the office with everyone around so she had counted on him being civil. "The usual." he answered tapping his pen on the desk.
"So, Robert's getting married." she said, giving them something to keep the conversation going.
Martin looked surprised. "You got an invite too, eh?"
Samantha nodded. Wow they were having a conversation which lasted more than two sentences, three days after they had their worst fight ever. Thank God for Robert and his impending wedding. "Are you going to go?"
"I have to. I'm the best man." Martin told her.
"Oh, I didn't realise you two were still so close." she said interested.
"We talk on the phone every week and when I was in Seattle, he used to fly out to visit every now and again. Well, until he met Kirsten …. he's been a bit busy recently." Martin explained.
"Yeah, I can imagine. I don't suppose ……."
Just then Van Doran came in and Samantha trailed off, cursing her boss inwardly. She guessed it would be awhile before she and Martin got round to having another normal conversation.
Everyone was silent. Jack and Vivian looked up from their seats at the conference table and Danny spun round in his chair. Van Doran had an unusually grave look on her face.
"Agent Malone and Agent Fitzgerald, can I have a word please?" she said. Martin looked slightly shocked and he glanced over at Jack but his boss just gave him a slight shake of the head. He had no idea what it was about either. He got up silently and followed his bosses into Jack's office. Vivian, Danny and Samantha were left shooting each other puzzled looks.
The first real indication that Van Doran was a bringer of bad news was when she refused to sit down in the seat Jack offered to her, instead choosing to stand with her back to the door, facing Jack whilst Martin perched on the edge of the desk.
"What's up?" Jack asked.
Van Doran didn't answer immediately and looked as if she was turning things over in her mind, trying to decide what was the best way to deliver her news, buying her more time. "I got a call from Washington this morning telling us that we need to lay off Agent Fitzgerald until his arm is back to normal – or maybe permanently."
There was silence.
Martin sighed and looked down at his feet. He wasn't in the least bit surprised. In fact, he had been expecting something like this for some time. He didn't have any plans to do anything except accept Washington's decision, leave and find a desk job somewhere. If this order came from Washington then they would get their way in the end anyway and besides after all that he and Samantha had gone through, working together probably wasn't the wisest option.
Jack stared at his boss, trying to process her words. "You're joking?" he said finally.
Van Doran shook her head. "The Insurance won't cover any Agent that's not 100 percent fit."
"This is bullshit! Martin hurt his arm doing the job the FBI pays him to do: saving people - so technically you're firing him for doing his job? What kind of sick school of logic does this come from? He's been back at work, working normally, for over a month and then all of a sudden this decision comes through as if it's some kind of afterthought from the same people who gave him an award for his bravery. What kind of reward is this?" Jack wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He was so angry, he didn't care what he said in front of his boss now. They were willing to get rid of one of his best Agents just like that? He hadn't forgotten the time he himself had been victimised by the men in Washington for no reason, and he wasn't going to let his junior Agent suffer the same thing.
"Martin's arm isn't affecting his work. In case you hadn't heard, he's completed a lot of fieldwork with one hundred percent success including an undercover operation and you still want him to leave? You're going to let the FBI lose one of their best Agents just because of some bureaucracy crap Washington feed you with!"
"Jack, don't shoot the messenger." Van Doran replied calmly. "Believe me, I didn't want this. I've been on the phone the whole morning trying to find a way out of this with no success."
Vivian, Danny and Samantha had stopped even pretending to work a long time ago and instead concentrated on trying to decipher Jack's angry looks and rapid arm waving.
"Well, it certainly doesn't look good." Danny commented.
"I don't think I've ever seen Jack that angry before." Vivian said.
Samantha knew what she meant. Jack was practically red in the face and Van Doran didn't look too happy either. She couldn't see Martin from where she was sitting but it didn't look like he was participating much in the conversation. It made her wonder why.
"They can't do this. There's got to be something written in the 768 pages Terms and Conditions booklet or in the contract." Jack spat.
Van Doran shook her head. "Apparently, the contract states that in a case like this, the board has the right to let an Agent go without the customary amount of notice needed."
"Bastards." Jack muttered, pacing up and down the room. "Well, we're not going to let them sack Martin without a fight."
"You can let the man from HQ know that when he arrives tomorrow to finish the paperwork and start the recruitment process." Van Doran stated.
"Don't worry I will. They better have something better up their sleeve than a flimsy Insurance excuse." Jack said, gritting his teeth together.
Martin stood up. "Jack, it's alright." he said quietly. The other two looked at him slightly shocked as if they had forgotten he was still there. "I'll just go." he said walking out of the door.
There was a pause after Martin left. "Jack, you'll be stupid to push this. You could risk losing your job as well. I mean, you heard Agent Fitzgerald – even he doesn't want to fight this, why do you?"
"He's probably in as much shock as I am when I heard you. He doesn't think he has a chance because I'm pretty sure his father is one of the ones behind this decision. But he'll come round and I'm not going to take this lying down." Jack argued.
"I hope you know what you're doing."
"Of course I know what I'm flipping doing. I knew what I was doing when I sent Martin to go with Agent Spade to talk Cassie Roberts out of committing suicide, I knew what I was doing when I pushed for Martin to be let back in the office even though some people doubted he would be ready after the injuries he sustained, I knew what I was doing when I let Martin back out on the field and go undercover even though he can't feel anything with his left arm and I certainly know what I'm doing now." Jack thundered.
Martin walked out of Jack's office, down the corridor and back into the office. He could feel three pairs of eyes watching his every move and he knew they were dying to know what had just happened. He wasn't going to put them out of their misery. He was just going to grab his bag and coat and just walk out of there in silence. Saying goodbye would just hurt.
Yes, he had made the right decision. Lord only knew how much he loved this job: the thrill of the chase, the adrenaline rush, the feeling that each time they found a missing person alive, they had somehow made the world a little better. But there were times in life when sometimes you have to give up what you love the most. Maybe the people in Washington were doing him a favour. He could see the logic behind the argument. Although he could do most things with his injured arm, there were still things he found difficult like buttons and tying knots and he didn't want to be a risk to the team, no matter how small. Besides, he knew his frame of mind wasn't what it used to be. No matter what problems he was having with his arm or with his relationships, the Martin he knew wouldn't have let himself plunge into a black pit where he didn't have the heart for anything anymore. He was spiralling down and he couldn't stop it. Sure his arm was giving him problems that made him a liability but that wasn't the only reason he had no qualms in giving up this job.
Samantha. It was always about Samantha. Funny how his whole life seemed to revolve around that one moment he had followed her behind the bike shed and he hadn't failed to notice the irony that last time it was her who needed to get away from him. Now he needed to get away – it would be better for both of them. He hated himself for saying those things to her the other day - about how their feelings had never really meant anything. He hated himself for feeding her those lies which even he himself didn't believe but he needed to. He had wanted to distance himself from her and from everyone so he said those things to push her away. They had really hurt her, he had seen that, but this morning, he could tell she hadn't believed them and she was skimming over their shouting match like it had never happened.
Martin couldn't stay in New York working here with her any longer; it wouldn't be fair on either of them. They couldn't continue the game they had been playing any longer. He couldn't switch off the feelings he had for her but at the same time he didn't want either her or him to get hurt again. His heart was telling him that he shouldn't be afraid to let things with Samantha take their course – things could be so perfect with her this time round. They were grown up, mature, and still very much connected. However his brain was telling him not to run that risk and to get out whilst he still could. This time he was going to follow his head – surely the fact that they had been interrupted twice that night was a sign of some sorts?
Martin walked over to his desk and had hardly reached out to grab his jacket when Vivian and Danny had come running up to him.
"What's going on? What did Van Doran want?" Danny asked.
Martin didn't say anything but picked up his rucksack.
"Where are you going? What happened?" Vivian pushed. Martin looked at her sadly.
Samantha looked at his face. Something was very wrong. Whilst behind them Jack was still raging at Van Doran, Martin didn't look angry at all, instead his just had a look of resignation on his face. He started heading for the door without a word and Danny and Vivian turned to her helplessly.
"Martin?" she called. He didn't respond. She jogged up to him, catching him just before he reached the door and grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn round and look at her. "Martin, what's going on?" she demanded.
Martin looked down at her and for the first time since the episode at her apartment he held her gaze. "What is it?" she asked.
Martin shook his head slightly. "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." he said sadly. Then he was gone.
Samantha just stood there trying to figure out what the hell he meant. He couldn't do what anymore? The haunting empty look in his eyes. She had never seen him like this before. She was still reeling from it when Jack stormed into the office.
"Son of a bitch." he cursed, kicking a chair across the room. The whole office went quiet. "I'll be dammed if I let them get away with this."
Vivian and Danny exchanged an anxious glance. "Jack, calm down and tell us what happened." Vivian said.
"Martin didn't tell you?" he said, turning to face them. The three of them shook their heads and Samantha walked back over to the others from the door. "Washington said that Martin can no longer work here because "the insurance can't cover his injured arm.""
"They sacked him?" Danny clarified.
"I believe the term they use now is that he was "asked to leave."" Jack said, rolling his eyes.
"They can't do that. It hasn't been giving him any problems, he's been doing his job as normal, they've got no justification ……." Danny argued.
"Well, apparently they can and they have." Jack fumed. "A guy's coming from Washington tomorrow to finish it all off and I'm guessing we'll have a new Agent by the end of the month."
Vivian shook her head. "Martin's going to fight it right? We're going to fight it?"
Jack ran a hand through his hair. "Of course." Of course they were going to fight it. Whether Martin wanted to or not would remain to be seen.
"I can't believe one minute they're giving him an award and the next they're giving him the sack what kind of fucked-up big asses run this show?" Danny exclaimed, seething.
"Martin seemed to take the news pretty well." Vivian commented shrewdly.
"I think he was just shocked. I'm sure that by the time he gets home he'll be rampaging." Jack said distractedly. At least he hoped he would be.
"And if he's not?"
Danny turned to look at her. "What do you mean? Of course Martin'll be angry! How can he not be?"
Vivian shrugged. "We know how down he's been recently. Maybe he thinks it's time just to move on and do something new?" she suggested.
Danny and Jack looked at her as if she had just said something ridiculous. "We know that he's frustrated with the lack of process with his injured arm but he loves this job, why would he suddenly want to leave?"
Samantha felt sick with realisation. Of course, why hadn't she realised it from the look on his face. He saw this as his chance to escape and he was taking it. And she was the one who had pushed him to it – she had tried so hard to make things better between them that she had in fact made things worse and now he was going away before she could hurt him again. From his point of view this must have been a blessing in disguise. No more awkwardness, stolen glances, old feelings caught up in the present – a chance to make a fresh start somewhere else where no remnants of ten years ago would be there to haunt him. She took a deep breath. "I may have said some things." she said quietly. She could feel three pairs of eyes look at her accusingly.
………………………………………………………..
She stood outside his apartment and rang the bell. She had come to put things right once and for all and make him see that he shouldn't have to run without a fight because of her. Samantha pulled the hair band and let her hair out loose. It was still damp from her bath as she hadn't had time to dry it. It had taken her a half-hour soak in the bath to realise she couldn't sit around and do nothing about the situation she had helped create so she had put on some jeans and a top and subconsciously put on the perfume Martin had bought her for Christmas and was here to make Martin see sense.
As the door opened, Samantha's heart started pounding in her chest – it was make or break time.
Martin looked surprised to see her. "Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked. His tone wasn't unfriendly just a bit shocked. She could hear the television on in the background and his right hand clutched a newspaper.
"Can I come in?" she asked.
"Erm, yeah." Martin said, slightly dazed, standing aside to let her pass. He watched as Samantha walked in and settle herself on the sofa, switching off the television and impulsively moving the pizza box from the arm of the chair onto the coffee table. He didn't understand – after what he had said to her surely she would be hurting and holding a grudge against him. Hell, she should even be glad to hear that he was leaving, giving her a chance to break free as well. But no, she was here, sitting in his living room. His plan was going horribly wrong.
"You living off pizza now?" Samantha said with a small laugh, indicating the pizza box.
"Yeah, makes good comfort food." he said, staring at the carpet. "Drink?"
She shook her head and motioned for him to come and join her on the settee. Seeing no other option, Martin scratched the back of his head nervously and sat down.
"Surprised to see me here?" Samantha asked.
"Yeah, a bit." Martin admitted.
"Not as surprised as I was when I heard that you're about to lose your job." Samantha said.
Wow, she certainly knew how to cut to the chase. "Actually I think I've already lost it."
"Not if you fight it." she said pointedly.
Martin could feel her eyes boring down into him and gave a small shake of the head. "What's the point? They're going to get their way in the end: My Dad always gets what he wants." he explained. "Besides it might be good to move to another city, do something different – no doubt my father can find me a nice job behind a desk somewhere." he said flatly.
"Come on Martin, you know you don't believe that. I know you love this job and live for it just as much as the rest of us. You can't really see yourself doing anything else. And you've got a strong case to fight here. You can't take this lying down – that's just what Washington want. They're banging on the fact you're going to take the handout and just walk away. You've got to prove them wrong. We're all going to support you." Samantha said forcefully.
"What and lose your jobs as well?" Martin said.
"It's not going to come to that."
"You've met my father – you know as well as I do that some way or another he's going to get his own way."
"Martin, he can't chuck you out of the Bureau just because he hates me and doesn't want you anywhere near me anymore." Martin opened his mouth to say something but she didn't let him. "He can't force you to leave because he's afraid of you hurting yourself again or because the pension package isn't as big as it is in white-collar. He can't control your life."
"You think I don't know that!" Martin exclaimed. "My whole life I've been trying to take control of my future, do what I want instead of what I'm expected to do but maybe this time he is right, maybe a new start somewhere else would be good for me, new opportunities and all that."
Samantha stared at him. He almost looked like he believed what he was saying. Almost. But she could see past it. "Are you leaving because of me?" she asked quietly.
Martin pretended he didn't hear her. "Besides they're right. I shouldn't be doing this job what with my arm and everything. Yeah it might be fine now but ….."
"Martin, answer my question." Samantha said, raising her voice so she had Martin's complete attention. "Look at me." He raised his eyes and hesitantly met her gaze. "Are you leaving because of me?"
Martin looked at her. The answer was so clear to both of them he didn't know why she was even asking. He hesitated and didn't say anything. To say 'Yes' would be like he was finally admitting that he wanted to do what she had done ten years before and run away before they could find out what they could have been.
Samantha saw it in his eyes. She wasn't fighting a lost cause. No matter what had happened since the last time she was over at his apartment, no matter what words had passed between them or the lies that had been thrown out, underneath the layers of angst, the old Martin was still there. "Close your eyes." she said softly.
"What?" he asked, nervously.
"Just do it." she said, taking his injured arm in her hand. She placed it on the arm of the sofa. "Can you feel this?" she asked. She watched as he gripped it tightly with his fingers before he shook his head. She moved it over a glossy magazine and then an empty mug. She saw the frustration growing under his closed eyes and it hurt her so badly to see him like this. She silently made an oath to herself that no matter how long it would take, she wasn't going to give it up as a hopeless cause even though he might want to. She would have enough determination for both of them to carry on trying different forms of treatment and medication but fighting for his job was not something she could do by herself. He needed to walk in there tomorrow and face the Washington Agent full of resolve. She moved his arm up and placed the palm of his hand against her cheek. She could feel his rough sores against her soft skin. "What about this?" she asked.
"No." he said quietly. He wasn't angry with her for her putting him through this, just sad. He opened his eyes and saw her leaning into his hand, her eyes closed for a split second before their eyes met.
"I'm so sorry." she said, trying to stop herself from breaking down.
"Stop apologising for something that's not your fault." Martin said, his voice softening.
"It is. And not just your arm – the fact that you're losing your job, the dark patch you're going through right now it's all-"
"Sam, stop feeling for guilty for no reason. I don't blame you so you shouldn't blame yourself. I know that I've been a bit down recently because of my arm. I don't even know why, I mean I don't want to be but I just can't help it and I know it's stupid because its not like it's the end of the world. I mean, it's not amputated which has to count for something right?" he said with a light laugh. Samantha gave a small smile. This was more like the Martin she knew. "And I don't know why I said those things the other day. You know that you meant so much more to me than that, right?" he asked searching her eyes. He was glad he had this chance to mend things between them.
Samantha nodded. "I didn't believe it for a moment anyway and I'm sorry for losing it with you. What with what you're going through with your arm, the last thing you needed was me biting your head off." She brought his arm down away from her cheek and rested it on his leg, keeping her hand there. He gave it a little squeeze. Maybe she had managed to get through to him. Maybe things would be okay ……………. and then her hopes came crashing down.
"Things will be better for both of us when I'm gone." Martin said with a sad smile.
Samantha stared at him in shock. "Martin don't say that. You're not going anywhere."
"Sam ………"
"Please, you've got to fight this for me. Come back to the office tomorrow. Talk to the rest of the team. We'll help you fight this."
"Samantha, no, it's too late."
"It's never too late. We can do this. It'll all be over in no time and then things can go back to normal."
Martin let go of her hand. "Back to normal? When have things ever been normal between us since I've come to New York Sam? It's just been a layer of angst on top of a layer of angst and the crazy thing about is it that it's not actually anyone's fault. It just happens."
"We can make things work Martin. We can start over and just be friends." Samantha said pleadingly.
"You're delusional. Can't you see I'm doing this for the both of us?"
Samantha's jaw set. "Maybe I don't need you doing stuff for me anymore Martin. Maybe you need to start thinking what's best for you. And I know what's best for you. You need to stay here with the team and people who care about you, fight for your job and for what you really believe in. Oh, I know you want to stay Martin. Whatever you say, deep down I know that you want to keep your job. You've spent so damn long looking out for me, you've never given me a chance to return the favour and now's my chance and I want to take it. I can help you with the fight for your job, I can help you through your depression, I can help you with your arm, but you've gotta fight with me not against me." Samantha said, imploringly.
Martin looked away from her. He heard what she was saying and he hated how just having her walk through his door this evening had already weakened his resolve to never look back and just walk out the city. Now he had only a tenuous grip on himself that one more word from Samantha and he felt he would cave.
There was silence.
"Please, just leave." he said coldly at last.
"What?" Samantha said, shocked.
"You heard me. Just go Samantha." he said without looking at her.
His words stung so much. Maybe because she had always held the belief that she would have success with making him change his mind tonight, now he was forcing her out before it reached that point.
"Just think ….."
"Go!" Martin said forcefully.
The anger in his voice made Samantha jump and she stood up and walked to the door, opening it. Just before she walked out though, she turned. "The guy I love isn't afraid to fight for what he wants." she said quietly before closing the door behind her.
A/N:- Am feeling slightly guilty for leaving it there. Sorry guys!