A Praise-Worthy Laxative
Things in the Gryffindor Common room were of natural order, nothing worth mentioning. There were a few rogue nifflers that had unfortunately(cough) made their merry way down a few shiny first-year bottoms. Some rather attractive fifth-years thought to bring Witch Weekly's magical hair growth potion to the room , in addition to their 'adorable' pet cats , there was a lamentable event however, when the potion accidentally tipped on a rather warty toad. The effect was instantaneous , on the shrieking fifth-years , for the now blond haired wart-covered toad was interested in them as comfortable seating arrangements.
Center stage , ( a scarily comfy sofa) sat a studious seeming flame-haired sixth-year , whom was thoroughly (and somewhat forcibly) non-pulsed. Her legs were crossed under a large and heavy-looking copy of ' Seemingly Heretic Instantaneous Telecommunications of the 19th Century' or S.H.I.T. of the 19th Century for short. Though her eyes were firmly placed on the large page in front of her , it was no secret she was not reading , for whenever a small and screeching first- year paused for some help , she would tear her gaze from the book , glare death onto the child and whack them over the head with it (did I mention the book was very heavy?)
With a final huff , the girl placed the book onto the table beside her, it groaned under the weight while she placed a knee sock as a book mark. The room stood patient as she dug herself out of the hole the book had buried her in. It was very quiet, and she smiled , then glared and walked through the portrait hole. The room sighed as a whole , then screamed as S.H.I.T. of the 19th Century chased them about screaming profanities and biting bums.
" BLOODY PARROTS!"
"AHHHH!"
" BLABBING BASTARDS!"
"It BIT my fluffy! How can it be so cruel as to bite a defenseless-"
"WANKING MUTANEERS!"
"IT BIT MY ARSE!"
"MUAHAHAHA!"
" It's ruddy insane!"
"FEEL MY BITING RATH , SCALYWAGS!"
…
She stomped down the stairs with a maniacal grin on her face , the book had come in handy.
"Ho! A lovely maiden ! That Hair , that smile!" he seemed to become very uncomfortable suddenly "Lily? Lily Evans?"
" No you bloody toe-wanking knight , it's a ruddy hippogriff" she replied furiously, glaring her patented glare at the new portrait guarding the entrance to the Prefect's bathroom.
" Ha, thought it was" he laughed nervously " what brings me the honor of your presence?"
" I would not be here if I could help it , Sir Cadogan" Lily replied "But this is a bathroom, what can your largely knowledgeable brain figure I want to do in a bathroom?"
"Erm…….Ho! Madam Covernmy, my lovely maiden! Wondrous company does thou need? I can be of assistance!" he called to an empty portrait "Duty comes a-howling , I fear Miss Evans …good day!" and he galloped off on his obese pony , that is until he fell off in the next portrait.
" Wait you demented knight!" Lily called after the fleeting portrait "Come back!"
she waved her arms at the now running knight.
" Come now Swift!" the knight addressed the fallen pony "Ride , ride you magnificent beast!"
It farted.
" Damn you! I did not die so that you could poison me again!"
" PLEASE , Sir Cadogan ! I am in dire need of the Prefects' bathroom!" Lily yelled pleadingly.
" Ahh, my noble heart fails me " Sir Cadogan replied with a shake of his head , causing him to drop his helmet on the obese pony " Drat!"
The knight took some time to return to his portrait , partly because he was dragging Swift , the fainting pony , partly because he was terrified of the wailing Lily.
"Now , fair maiden , I am ready" he said rapidly changing his tone to a much more professional one "Password?"
" It's … um…" she snapped her fingers " drat! That thing! You know….um.." she made unrecognizable hand gestures " That thing one does!"
She glared at Sir Cadogan "You know!" she accused , pointing a menacing finger "I've told you" Poke. "Time" Poke. "And Time again" Poke. Poke. Poke.
" Y-ye-yes" he took a large breath "Yes , thou have , but thou has failed to mention it , today"
Lily screeched a tribal war-cry and flung herself at the portrait "LET ME IT!" she clawed.
" Ho! For Duty ! For Honor!" Sir Cadogan screamed as he loosened his wooden sword from it's scabbard "For Poppy's revealing robes!"
Lily raised a skeptical brow , but kept screeching
" BLOODY TRAITOR!"
" Manic!"
" MONUMENTAL TOE-RAG!"
"Lunatic woman!"
"PERVERTED ARSE-WIPE!"
"Cow!"
She gasped , clutching the left side of her robes , then she took out her wand.
Sir Cadogan yelped, terrified of being hexed , no matter how he inspired thousands to act bravely .
Then she jabbed at his eyes with the wooden stick.
" Stop! Cease I tell you!"
"Muahhahahahahaha!" she laughed maniacally.
" I may be painted , but I can still feel my paint chip!"
" HAHAHAHAHA" she laughed "DIE!"
One Hour Later…..
"Oh Merlin!" Lily huffed loudly , clutching her stomach.
"Yeeeeeeeees?" came an elongated reply from a nearby portrait.
"Oh!" she said "Sorry"
" I should have never eaten those mince pies …." She grumbled "especially since Black offered them to me"
" That strapping young lad? Sirius Black?" Sir Cadogan asked " I like him, he helped me capture the young hearts of many…" he sighed in reminiscence.
" Still wont let me in?" she asked hopefully.
" No"
Lily groaned .
…
" Now , Prongs , all you have to do is give her this" Sirius said , waving a small blue bottle in his face.
"What , pray tell , is it?"
" Do you doubt me Prongs?" Sirius gasped dramatically.
" Yes, Padfoot"
"But…but I did this for you!"
" Did what?"
"This plan!" he whined, conjuring up a fluffy tissue for his nose.
"What plan?...you!" he pointed accusingly " Those ruddy mince pies!"
" Maaaaaaaybe" Sirius battered his lashes.
" What did you spike them with ?" he raised his brows " Icevodka?"
"no…but good guess" he said patting James's bum.
James stiffened " You know what …never mind…. I'll go look for her" he said , nodding vigorously and sprinting out of the common room.
…
"The wall" she said tonelessly.
"Damn! You have a slick wit for this game"
" One does not need much wit for I spy"
" Yes , well…" he shifted his feet uncomfortably "Your turn"
"Fine . I spy… James!" she stood
" Lily!" he smiled at the girl in front of him , she seemed to be panting from exertion and clutching the underside of her stomach.
" Are you alright?" he asked , squatting.
" Yes" she strained .
" Are you sure?"
"Positive"
"Sure you are positive?" he smiled widely.
" NO!" she screeched , crossing her legs into tighter gripping.
" there is feces dripping from my backside and this wanker wont let me shit inside!"
James visibly colored…obviously it was not what he expected.
" What? You thought I was waiting for the ruddy reading material?" she asked skeptically.
" So it isn't only guys who use it as a thinking place…" he tapped his chin thoughtfully.
" Yoo-hoo!" she snapped her fingers at him " you there? Or flying off with some perverted bunnies?"
" Perverted Bunnies?"
" Sirius told me you fantasize about pink perverted bunnies"
"what……"
"That rape you in the butt"
" WHAT!"
" Yes, do you know the password?" she gestured to the portrait , whom was now vividly digging for platinum inside his nostrils.
" Nifflers like my golden rod"
" WHAT!"
"It's the bloody password!"
" Oh…. Who came up with it ?"
" Sirius"
"Sirius is a prefect?"
" No"
"Then…how…wait…I don't want to know"
" His latest conquest "
" I'm the only girl prefect"
" I know"
Silence.
" Do you want to step in now?"
"Yeah" suddenly remembering the urgent nature of her business.
In her rush , she tripped over the border and fell onto her nose , mind you it is very sensitive.
" Damn you Lily , I knew you were not worthy of me!" her nose huffed , bleeding.
"I know lovey, it was an accident" she cooed , petting it lovingly
" We'll see" it said irritated.
"Lily , are you talking to yourself?"
" No , Potter" she spat "I'm talking to my nose"
" Oh" he said " Of course"
"Bloody laxative is melting her ruddy mind" James muttered.
Lily rushed into the stall.
James tried to ignore the sounds .
A very difficult task.
"Oof! That's a big one !"
He cringed
" Never seen anything so long in my life!"
James started twitching.
" Oh Merlin! It's eating me!"
" Myrtle , will you get back to your own bloody toilet!"
"Heheheheehahahahahaha"
" That's just creepy"
James wisely decided to stay outside.
" Hullo Sir Cadogan" he greeted.
" Ho! Young lad!"
James leaned down against the wall, all the while listening to the purring of Sir Cadogan.
"Ooooo, my darling Swift , must you always faint in the face of danger?" he asked sweetly "what kind of stallion are you?"
James listened to Sir Cadogan shifting in the portrait .
" O Ho! I've got it , lad!"
"What ? What have you got?"
" My Stallion , is no stallion at all"
Sir Cadogan pointed out what the Stallion had , or was lacking for that matter.
" It's a Hermaphrodite!" James Screeched "It burns , it BURNS!" he covered his eyes.
"Potter?"
"AH! The hermaphrodite speaks!" James ran in a circle " My ears, MY EARS!"
" Damn you Potter! It's me!"
" Oh… Evans"
" Yes"
Sir Cadogan began to hum…a lively melody , although heavily out of tune.
" Kiss her…." He whispered "I'm providing the atmosphere, lad "
" What?" James whispered back.
" Strategy" he tapped his head knowingly " Strategy , lad"
James , having heard this many times before , did so , also realizing the gullible nature of his age…..
I'm sixteen! He thought indignantly against Lily's struggling mouth, Well, no use feeling bad now he smiled .
" Potter"
" Hmmmm, yes Lily?"
" I can't breathe!"
"Oh" he murmured , backing up " Sorry"
She pushed at him , her fists clenched at her sides, she stomped her foot , her mouth opening and closing.
" Arg!" she reasoned "ARG!"
As she stormed off, stomping foots every two or so inches,
" Damn Potter…overeager toe-rag….can't bloody wait a ruddy second….BLOODY WONDERFULL TIMING! Sensitivity of a wanking tampon!"
He heard her mutter.
" I NEED CHOCOLATE" she screeched half way up the stairs.
" Hey! I have a stash in my Potions textbook!"
" NO POTTER!"
"Ahh , the trials of young love…" Sir Cadogan said.
" Shove it you … you …."
" Used Sanitary tissue?"
" That's bloody sick , Sirius"
" Yeah…."