Hey you guys! I am so unbelievably sorry for not updating. I'm so terrible; I don't even know what went wrong. I won't try explaining or offering excuses. They're probably all nul and void by now. But for those of you who still want to read this, I've decided I'll finish it and I'll update at least once a day. You don't have to review if you don't want to; I know I don't deserve it (though I'm not discouraging them - what writer doesn't love some feedback?). Thank you to everyone who replied to the 5th chapter:
daddyzangel108: Thanks so much for the review. Guess you were in shock. lol. It's good to know you have faith in me know though. You know me... I just can't keep them apart. :) And again, I do apologize for the whole Haley not saying yes thing. I know no one likes to see a heartbroken Nathan, but I guess that's just life, right? lol. Love ya!
JLsNaley: I can always count on you to reply:) Yes, I know, such a sad chapter... but at least you feel smart, right? What with figuring out she couldn't say yes and everything. Maybe I didn't give you enough credit... lol. So sorry I couldn't have updated sooner. You know how I hate to keep you waiting. :( Love you!
whazzupp8: Thank you so so much. Your review was so sweet and inspiring! I'm so happy my story's one of the best you've ever read. Trust me, you have no idea how much that means to writers like myself. :) And I really am very sorry I couldn't have updated this sooner. I know you said you wanted me to finish it, so I may be too little too late, but I decided it's the least I could give you. Thanks for being such an awesome reader. :)
ticklemeElmo667: Thanks for leaving a reply. And I apologize for not updating for such a long time. I know I've been slacking. Forgive me:)
nathanohsohotscott: Loved your reply. And your username. So true. lol. Aw... that was sweet when you said you didn't have the words. Once again, I've left someone speechless. Damn, I'm good. lol. I'm glad you find Nathan's love for Haley adorable. Definitely what I was going for. :) Love ya!
Haley Youmans: Wow, that was a lot to read. I'm glad you did though. :) It's really amazing of you. And I'm so happy you liked all of them. Hope I don't disappoint with this one. And I'm sorry I took so long to update. You can kick my ass if you want. lol.
Chapter 6:
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
It had been an entire week and Haley had moved in with Andrea. She tried to pretend she was OK for Andrea's benefit, but truth be told, she was falling apart. She didn't know how to get by without him. She'd never known how to get by without him. Even when they'd been apart before, she'd been a wreck.
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
It was like, with Nathan, she was untouchable. It was like everything that could go right did. He made every little thing seem worth her while. Now, it was almost as though nothing was worth anything. She couldn't really explain it, but nothing felt right anymore.
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
And now, everything had changed. Sometimes, she had trouble breathing. She always had trouble sleeping. She didn't think she could do it anymore. But she had to. This was her fault and she needed to deal with the repercussions.
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Haley was just sitting at the kitchen table, staring into a mug of coffee, thinking about what her life had become. She didn't like what she saw. And she didn't like who she'd become. It was like everything she touched got broken. And every time it did, she got broken too.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
She'd thought Nathan was the one. In fact, she'd known he was. She'd known he was for a long time. But there were only so many chances he could give her. And there were only so many chances she could take.
She refused to cry about it anymore though. She'd done enough of that over the past week and enough of it over the past 10 years. She could cry on the inside all she wanted, but she was through with drying tears. It was time she started owning up to her mistakes. Letting Nathan get away was her biggest mistake. It was perhaps the only one she couldn't fix.
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Nathan knew everything about her. He was the first person she really opened up to. He was the first person she told about New York and Jack and everything that happened to her. And he took away the pain it caused her. At least for awhile he had.
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Andrea came through the front door, shopping bags in hand and found Haley exactly where she'd left her three hours ago. Sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee. She sighed and set all her bags down. She pulled up a chair next to Haley and sat down. "You know, that stuff's probably cold by now."
Haley looked up and offered an empty smile. "Yeah, I know. I never drank it."
Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
"Talk to me, Hales."
"I'm fine."
"No, you're not. This isn't you when you're fine. I know your heart's broken, Haley, but there has to be something I can do."
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
Haley stood and took her mug to the sink, dumping it out and watching the brown liquid swirl down the drain. She leaned against the sink and looked out the window above it. The sky was overcast and gray, just like her life. "There's nothing," she heard herself saying. "You've already done so much. I just... need time. That's all. Time heals all wounds, right?" She tried to laugh. It came out sounding hollow.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Andrea crossed the room to her and laid an arm on her shoulder. "No, honey. Unfortunately, time doesn't heal a broken heart. The only remedy for that is love." Haley remained silent.
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
When she didn't receive any response, Andrea drew a breath and continued. "Now, I could sugarcoat it, I could lie to you. But I'm your best friend and if anyone's going to tell you the truth right now, it should be me. You can't blame Nathan for this, Haley. Now, I'm not saying it was your fault, but it wasn't entirely his."
She nodded, holding back the tears. "I know. I know it's my fault." She looked at Andrea. "You know what the funny thing is though? I can be as mad as I want and it's still my fault. But even now, I could never hate him."
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Haley breathed deeply. "It hurts, Andrea. It hurts like hell. To not have him here with me, to know he's not a part of my life anymore."
Andrea pulled her closer. "Then maybe, you should try to get him back."
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Haley shook her head. "He wouldn't take me back, not yet at least. And probably not ever."
Andrea hugged her. "I'm sorry, Hales. If I could do anything to make it better, you know I would."
"I know."
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
They just stood there for awhile, hugging. Haley drew as much comfort as she could from it, but she couldn't deny that she wished it were Nathan's arms around her now. She wanted him to tell her she would be OK. He was the only one who could ever make her believe it.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Andrea pulled back to look at her. "I've told you before, Haley. It's OK to cry. A girl needs to let it out sometimes."
Haley looked down, then back up. "It's OK. I think I'm all cried out."
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes...
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Nathan knew he wasn't perfect. There was no such thing as perfect. He knew he'd made mistakes. But most of all, he knew he'd been afraid before. He'd been too scared to take chances when he should've. Just like Haley was scared now.
I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid
But he was through being patient with her. She'd chosen not to be with him. He just wished everything he'd given up along the way meant something now.
A thousand nights or more
I traveled East and North
Please answer the door
Can you tell me
Haley had always taught him to believe that love could take him anywhere. That it could follow you anywhere and it could make everything else seem OK.
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
So, why wasn't it enough now? He wished she could answer that for him. Why wasn't it enough to get them through this? It was taking all he had not to fall apart right now. And he wasn't so sure it was working. He wasn't the same old Nathan anymore. He didn't know how he could ever be again.
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
He wished she was here now. He wished that, after all the times he'd consoled her, she could do the same for him just this once.
Get down on your knees
Whisper what I need
Something pretty
Something pretty
He knew that even when they were old, together or apart, she'd always be the one thing left for him that was beautiful. For as long as he'd known her, he'd always thought she'd embodied everything that was good in this world. That alone made her all kinds of beautiful.
I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful
He was in the gym practicing. He'd thought it might take his mind off things. But this time, his love for the game couldn't take away the pain. She was the one who taught him it was OK to love something other than basketball. And now, she was ripping it away.
Then you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
She was slowly killing him, had been for years. But he was gonna fight like hell to make sure he was still alive.
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
He knocked down shot after shot, but it couldn't distract him from the truth. He'd lost Haley. He kept trying to let go of her, but it didn't seem to be working.
I'm done, there's nothing left to show
Try, but I can't let go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
He wanted to be able to say that tomorrow was a new day and that when it started over, he could too. But he didn't know how to without her.
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
To another, it feels so hard
He wished it were as easy as just leaving her behind. But he'd tried to do that before. And somehow, he just couldn't shake her. Was everything she'd told him a lie?
As a train approaches, getting on
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?
Haley made him believe in love. But ironically, she'd also broken his heart. She'd shown him how good it could be, but she'd also taken it away from him. And left him with less than what he started with.
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
It was almost like she was slowly sucking away his soul. She was killing him.
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
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Lucas had come to stay with Andrea and Haley for a week. Brooke had work and he didn't want to leave her, but he'd heard about the break up and had known Haley would need someone who understood it all.
They were on the floor, playing cards. He looked across his hand at her. "How you holding up? And no more of your bulls hit excuses, Hales. I want to know how you're really doing."
She sighed and laid down her cards. "I'm not happy, Luke. But I can't complain. Because this is all my fault. I did this to us, I did it to him, and I did it to me. So, I have no right to bitch about it." Lucas just looked at her. "OK, I know that look. Just spit it out."
He sighed and moved to sit next to her. "You're right, Haley. It kinda was your fault. I understand that you needed some time, but I also understand why Nathan did what he did. It just all built up. I'm surprised he didn't explode before."
Haley put her head in her hands. "I know, I know. I just... I don't really understand how it got to this."
He draped an arm around her. "Because you were always so cautious, Hales. Always suspicious that someone would hurt you. So, you kept pushing him away. And he got fed up with waiting for you to take a chance."
She looked at him and he could see the sadness in her eyes. "I miss him so much, Luke."
He furrowed his eyebrows. "Who? Nathan?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I don't know if I can do this without him."
"You don't have to."
"But I do. How can I fix this? There's no way he'll ever forgive me."
"I'm just saying, Hales. You never gave him a chance to prove himself before. Maybe it's time you did."
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Haley got out of the cab and stomped into the store. Grabbing a cart, she wheeled it down the aisles. She pulled out the list Andrea had made and walked down to the frozen section. As she picked up milk and butter, she couldn't help but notice the couple a few yards away. The guy was standing behind the girl with his arms around her and she was laughing, trying to get to a tub of ice cream.
Her and Nathan used to be that way. Walking up to the couple, she cleared her throat. "Excuse me," she whispered softly. They stepped to the side, barely noticing her. She reached in and grabbed a carton of Double Fudge Brownie, figuring she could use the extra chocolate. She and Andrea were planning their first official movie night with Luke. They needed a LOT of junk food, so they'd sent Haley to the grocery store. She needed to pick up some other things as well, but most of the list was pure carbs.
Making her way to the snacks aisle and tossing chips and popcorn into her cart, she noticed an old woman, looking to be about 70 hobbling along alone, pushing her own cart at turtle speed. Passing her, Haley looked into her eyes and saw nothing but a bitter and senile woman. She shuddered. That would be her in 45 years.
Grabbing several packages of twinkies, she decided to come back for the rest later and made her way to the canned food aisle. She picked out a few different kinds of soup and added some ravioli.
Haley walked down the aisle, scanning the different canned fruits. She sighed. She hated when Andrea made her go grocery shopping. Not watching where she was going, she bumped into someone. "Oh, sorry..." She looked up and her breath caught in her throat. "Nathan..."
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Again, so very sorry to have kept you guys waiting for so long. You were so great to me and it was definitely uncalled for. I promise never to do it again or, as Dan would say, 'I promise never to sleep on the job again!' lol. OK, sorry, just me and my wacky sense of humor. Please ignore any weirdness on my part. I've been battling insomnia and I'm sure it shows. lol. But anyway, as I've said, I will be updating at least once a day in an effort to finish this before you all kill me :). And I may even update again tonight... depending on what happens...
L'amour toujours,
Ash ;)