Head wounds 3 (healing)
3:00pm
I would apologize for not writing, but you are not but a block of tattered pages and I am but a man who has been a little preoccupied.
Dumbledore's "secret mission" proved to be a bit more difficult than I had expected.
I found myself on a multi-continental wild goose chase that left me with very little time to sit on a beach, fantasizing about Hermione and sipping tropical cocktails with the little umbrella stuck in my hair. The Caribbean is hot, humid, offensive, and did nothing for my delicate complexion. I couldn't sit down again for a week.
After leaving the Caribbean, I returned to Malfoy Manor to find that it had been overrun with peach roses (Minerva has always had a fondness for them). I remember stepping inside, but the rest of the events escape me. All I remember is seeing Malfoy with a broken nose and Minerva huddled in the corner, wide-eyed, holding a poodle to her chest and wearing a lacy apron. It was then that I suddenly realized that she must be under the Imperius curse, as she has always, always hated poodles. Was able to rescue her and turn Malfoy into the Ministry all in a manner of five minutes. Rather impressive, if I do say so myself. If that doesn't earn me an Order of Merlin, first class, I don't know what will.
Though Miss Granger's reaction to my return must be the best welcome that I've ever received. She had squeaked in surprise at seeing me in the hall, promptly dropped her things, and allowed me a pleasant view of a bit of cleavage as she bent to pick them up. Mumbling, "Welcome back, Professor," she ran off with a burning face. She even managed to brush against me a bit. I found this much preferable to Hagrid's gift of a bag of dog food and Dumbledore's slap on my sunburned back.
5:00pm
All right, I take it back. Though the fumbled "welcome back" from Miss Granger was incredibly satisfactory, I must have received one of the best presents ever. Mary Sue is gone.
She was shipped back to America (unfortunately, not in a box without air holes. I'm hoping that they at least did the other passengers on the airplane the courtesy of loading her with the other cargo. The weight of her fake breasts probably made the plane lopsided) after slipping into Flitwick's chambers in the middle of the night in search of a little extra credit. The man screamed bloody murder and woke up the entirety of Ravenclaw. I've seen Flitwick coming back from the infirmary nightly with a bottle of sleeping draught in his hand, babbling incoherently with a glazed look in his eyes. Poor man, I wouldn't wish that experience upon anybody. Not even Malfoy. Of course, that man's taste is questionable.
So is Mary Sue's, really. Thank goodness that she was passing my class, if barely.
In other oh-so-terrifying news, Potter has disappeared. He probably ran off with Ginevra Weasley to get a head start on their litter.
June 3rd Monday
In a freak accident, Iwas locked in my supply closet for the past 24-hours and when I emerged, the world had changed.
Apparently, I was wrong about Harry's disappearance. Voldemort was defeated today (and, with my luck, I was locked in a closet during the entirety of it. Aren't you supposed to be locked in a closet with someone when the world is ending, just in case you're the only two people left and you must make millions and millions of babies? And preferably that someone isfemale?). Miss Granger seems to be wandering about in a type of odd euphoria, as though no one has been killed or injured. In actuality, Fudge is dead (though I have to admit, that doesn't exactly make me angry), Mr Ollivander is in critical care, Dumbledore's beard has been singed off, Mr Ron Weasley has to breathe through his mouth as his nose has gone missing (my comments about him being an irritating mouth-breather have proved to be ultimately correct), Mr Potter's scar is gone (a tragedy, I know), and Mr Longbottom seems to be sprouting several extra limbs in a very unusual area.
I'm sure everything will be back to semi-normal shortly. Except Merlin knows who is going to be the next Minister. Maybe I should chalk up for the position.
Or maybe not. No one needs to hate me more than they already do.
Though it could be quite fun.
Ah, I know.
10. I'm much better looking than Fudge. Honestly.
9. I know the inside workings of most of the black markets in Great Britain.
8. I don't wear bowler hats or lime green.
7. I think it's about time that I got that bloody Order of Merlin, First class.
6. I could divide Wizarding Britain into parts. Then assign them names and take points from the regions that I don't like.
5. I would actually know what I'm doing.
4. Dumbledore could stop calling me "my boy" and start calling me "Minister". Or, at least, "sir".
3. I could dispose of Umbridge and be a hero.
2. Divination could be disposed of as actual magic.
1. It would probably attract something of female form. I would not like to die a virgin, thank you.
Which, of course, is just an expression. I am NOT a virgin.
No. I am not.
At least, I shouldn't be. It's the principle of the thing.
Right.
June 6th Thursday
Good deeds done 1, cold showers 3
Miss Granger is really making me go soft. Well, above the belt, I mean. In a lapse of stupidity, she managed to sleep through her Potions N.E.W.T. this morning and I, being the hapless fool that I have become, allowed her to make it up this evening, when I had planned a romantic evening for myself and my Potions texts. The candles that I had lit did create an impressive, glowing aura around everyone, though. It must have softened my features, as Hermione stared at me as though I had suddenly transformed into Clark Gable. Whoever that is.
She also seemed to have come very close to hugging me. I really wish she would have. But whatever would have come of that hug probably would have made the examiners go into respiratory arrest.
We could have just pretended that the wheezing and the thuds as the old men toppled to the ground was the lilt of a flute and the beat of a drum in wildly romantic music, though. When you're in love, everything is beautiful.
Thanks to: Julia Bartlett, Lywinis (well, I wouldn't necessarily say that Snape's in character in this piece, but...well...I don't know. It's kind of a personal thing. Snape and I are a lot alike), sweetsyphn, Magicalwonder (I'm considering it, actually. But somehow, it's harder to make fun of your own characters than it is to make fun of other peoples'), pickles87 (I actually grew up around motocross. It's kind of fun, but I think inhaling all that exhaust has ruined me for life), Zorana, Eggplant and Caviar, sesbee, sexy severus, CtrlAltDelete, DemonofDoom, Natsuyori, sallene, Player-2 (x2), Pathatlon, homestar-fan, rainbow fuzzlez, elisa0984, Holly Mariano (I'm working on re-writing Hermione's, since I re-read it recently and it's wickedly out of character. Consider it a work in progress), Seom, SusanPW, fosho (ack...sorry), MadameAngel(x3), Mare, Sennica01 (careful, she has claws), QueenYamcha, st. jimmy, Water to Ice, Aleatha515 (ha, nothing. I just don't think Snape would have a reason for ever wanting to go there. Er...), Green Day fan, EmzyTrish(x2), ambeana (which character? I don't really have contempt for any character...except Umbridge, maybe.), and Laura for your abundant reviews.
Expect the next (and last) chapter sometime before 2006 ;).