Chapter Sixteen

Maureen stared at her reflection in the small mirror that was hanging in the tiny dressing room. She looked good, she knew she did. She finally found her dress that afternoon, hung on its rack behind her bedroom door. It clung to her body like second skin, just as Collins said it would when he helped her pick it in the shop several weeks ago. Her hair miraculously complied to her and was now streaming down her back in soft curls. Her make-up looked pretty good too.

She wished she could only feel as perfect as she looked.

Yes, a shower and an afternoon nap worked their magic on her as always, but it wasn't enough. She was still wrecked. She knew the reason for it. It was not a stage-fright. She was never intimidated by the spotlight, there was no reason for her to get intimidated now. It was pure heartache, clear and simple. She'd rather have stage-fright over being so heartbroken, which was two and three times worse.

One of her backup singers knocked on the door and said they were on in thirty minutes. Maureen took a long gulp from the bottle of water that was on the table, then glossed her lips. She was trying not to ask herself the one question that was bothering her ever since she entered the club three hours ago.

Would he be there?

She didn't dare hope that he would, not after everything that happened earlier that day. And he probably wouldn't bother, either, he'd rather spend his time with Michelle instead of hanging out in a club that wasn't his style anyway.

Maureen couldn't help but think back of that day when they first met in that club, under the same circumstances, more or less. Outside, she could hear Collins' friend announcing that her performance was to start in twenty minutes. His voice was somewhat muffled by the closed door, but the applause was so strong they pierced their way through it.

The applause still echoed in her ears as Maureen made her way offstage. She was sweaty and tired, even though she could still feel the adrenaline pounding simultaneously with her heartbeat. They had a great show tonight, she thought with sheer satisfaction and caught a bottle of water that her drummer threw in her direction.

Out of nowhere appeared Collins and wrapped his arms around her in a huge crushing hug. "Maureen, beautiful! I'm in tears!"

She rewarded his compliment with a brilliant smile. She couldn't believe he was actually there. He kept promosing he'd come to see her one day, but he was always too busy grading papers and exams, even when he wasn't teaching classes. He always had something else to do. "Collins, you actually made it, unbelievable! What happened to the pile of papers I keep hearing about since last month?"

He smiled and loosened his grip a little so he could face her. "Finished. Call me brilliant, I know." They both chuckled. "But you were great up there. You were always one of my more creative students." He hesitated for a slight second, then asked, "How's your, ummm… love life, by the way?"

Maureen eyed him suspiciously. "Never better… why?" She was wondering what was he hiding under his sleeve. He said nothing, but his changing expression told her everything she needed to know. "Collins, please don't tell me you have anything in mind…"

He cut her protests. "There's this nice guy, and he just needs a little more excitement in his life. He's cool though, he's cool," he added quickly as if the panic was clearly reflected in her eyes. "He's great, you'll love him," he assured her. "When I first pictured you two together I told myself 'they were made for each other.'" He snaked his arm around Maureen's waist and gestured at a group of high tables close to the bar.

He pointed at one of them, where two young men were sitting. "See that table over there? Join 'em. I'll be back in a flash." He kissed her cheek and disappeared as fast as he showed up.

"What? Wait, Coll- oh, fuck it…" she sighed, then slowly approached the table Collins pointed at. She could see the two young men more clearly as she drew closer. One of them was very handsome. He had a rockstar look with a worn out leather jacket, and his brownish-gold hair spiking up. The other one was blonde and much shorter, or at least, he looked shorter because he was hunched over the table. He kept sending terrified glances everywhere through thick glasses that kept sliding down the bridge of his nose. He didn't even look old enough to get into that club alone. Maureen's glance focused on the good looking guy again, and her smile broadened. Oh my, it looks like Collins finally knew what he was doing, she thought as she leaned on their table. Her eyes locked with the handsome guy's green eyes as he raised his head to face the person who interrupted his conversation.

Maureen flashed him her best smile. "Hi there."

He broke from their gaze first and looked at her, all of her, as if he was taking in her appearance, from her high heels to her little black dress to her face and back to her eyes. Then he returned her smile, as if he was satisfied with what he had just observed. "Hi."

Maureen felt a sudden weakness in her knees. He had a gorgeous smile. "Mind if I sit down?"

He pulled a high chair out for her, making the blonde guy slouching shyly away. "I'm Roger Davis, this is my friend Mark Cohen."

Maureen flashed him another brilliant smile as she sat down. "Hi Roger." Then she remembered the other guy and glanced over at him as well. "Mark," she said shortly but soon turned her full attention back at Roger, who was staring at her goofily. "So, did you enjoy the show?"

"Yeah, yeah you were great up there, stunning," he said in a low, sexy voice and moved closer to her. She could see Mark rolling his eyes at his friend's obvious interest in her, but didn't really mind. She was interested as well. That Roger was HOT. "I didn't catch your name, by the way," he murmured huskily, impossibly closer to her.

"It's Maureen. Maureen Johnson. You'd better remember it when I'm great and famous."

"How can I forget a pretty face? Say Maureen, would you like a drink?" He didn't wait for her reply, just raised his hand to catch one of the waitresses' attention.

"So, ummm… how long have you known Collins?"

"Collins? Oh, we've known him forever. Mark's known him for the longest time though, right Mark?"

Mark didn't look up when he mumbled something that sounded like "yeah."

A waitress finally showed up. "A bottle of tequila…" started Roger, then looked over Maureen's shoulder. "Mark, anything?" Mark shook his head. The waitress was gone and Roger leaned closer to Maureen again. His breath was hot on her neck when he whispered in her ear, "He's kinda shy. I'd order him a virgin drink but I'm afraid he wouldn't know what to do with it…"

Maureen giggled and did her best concentrating the conversation, though it was easy to get distracted by his sexy voice… or his hypnotizing eyes… "Are you from around here?" she asked casually, avoiding eye contact.

"We don't live too far… Nice cozy loft, you should see it sometime."

Maureen rewarded his suggestive innuendo with a seductive smile. "Maybe I will…"

"Oh, yeah?"

The waitress and Collins got back to the table at the exact same time, putting an abrupt end to the conversation. The waitress put the tequila bottle on the table, along with several glasses, and gone. Collins stayed standing behind Maureen's chair.

"How's everything?" he whispered in her ear.

Maureen didn't remove her gaze from Roger's. "Everything's just… perfect."

Collins smiled, satisfied and somewhat relieved. "Good! So you and Mark are good?" he wasn't whispering anymore. Mark's head shot up in surprise as he heard Collins' question. Maureen didn't really notice it, she was too distracted drowning in Roger's eyes.

"Huh?" she murmured, still not facing Collins.

"You… and MARK," he repeated, and waved his hand in front of her.

Maureen snapped out of her trance and turned to face Collins with utter confusion. To her right, Roger was grinning. "MARK?"

"Excuse us!" Roger got up abruptly and pulled Mark away.

"Wait a sec, Collins, you said-"

"Who did you think I meant?"

He looked so amused and proud of himself; unfortunately, Maureen didn't find the whole thing funny at all. Her eyes were burning with anger. "I guess it wasn't as obvious as I believed! For God's sake, Collins, what the hell were you thinking? I thought you had good taste in guys, THAT's why I keep you, remember?"

"Mark's cute!" he cut her off defensively.

"Exactly! Cute! I don't do 'cute'!"

"Oh come on, Maureen! Look at the poor guy! He's so… pitiful…" They both looked away at the bar, where Roger was obviously trying to inflitrate some courage into Mark, who kept staring downward at his sneakers. Collins had a stupid wide grin on his face as he turned to look at Maureen again. "You didn't expect to get Roger, did you?"

Why do I feel so humiliated? How the hell was he able to trick me that easily? "Why the hell not? He's just my type, as I thought you well knew. The other one's just… I mean come on, Collins, he looks barely 19, I'm not a cradle robber! I quit babysitting when I turned 16!"

Collins didn't even flinch in front of her outbreak, which made her even more furious.

"He just needs loosening up. I bet you he can be really sexy if he takes off these glasses… and shirt… and pants… hmmm…" his voice trailed off as his gaze wandered over at Mark. He looked at him thoughtfully for a split second before he turned his attention back to Maureen. All of a sudden, he became serious. "Please be nice. Besides, Roger is taken."

Maureen's eyes shot fire at him. "Oh, NOW you're telling me!"

Collins laughed. "How could a good looking guy like him not have a girlfriend? Come on, just be nice! Look, they're coming over."

Roger was still grinning goofily as he and Mark sat back. Mark was still avoiding any eye contact with his sorroundings. Maureen just sat there frowning. She had no intention to take part in Collins' stupid plan.

There was an awkward silence around the small table, until Collins took over. "SO! Are we all having a good time?" he let out a hearty laughter that was soon died away, when no one joined it. He scrunched his eyebrows. "This isn't going to be easy," he muttered and knudged Maureen. "Compliment him," he ordered her in a whisper.

She turned to look at him, furious. "What?" she hissed back, "There's no way I'm taking any part in this, Collin!"

"Fine, if that's how you want it," he said shortly. Maureen recognized the disappointment his voice carried. It made her upset. She loved Collins, he was her best friend. She just didn't want to humiliate herself more than she already did, flirting with the wrong guy.

She watched Collins as he poured a shot of tequila and pushed it towards Mark. "You know Mark, Maureen is too flushed to say it, but she thinks you look hot in those glasses."

Maureen's head shot up. She stared at Collins in disbelief. She could sense the involuntary blush that started forming on her face. "WHAT?"

That seemed to snap Mark out of his trance-like stare at the table. He looked at Collins, then at Roger in an expression than was both eager and shy. Pitiful looking indeed, thought Maureen.

Mark tried to pick up the glass Collins pushed towards him. His hand was shaking so badly that he dropped it, spilling the tequila in the process.

Maureen flinched back. "Hey, careful!"

Mark snatched some napkins and tried to dry out the table as he murmured a stammered apology in her direction.

Roger leaned forward again. "I told you he wouldn't know what to do with it…"

Maureen giggled, but not as heartily as before. Flirting with taken guys wasn't her style. She glanced at Mark. Poor little thing, he looks so nervous and embarrassed, she thought. Just for that moment, she decided to swallow her pride. That boy DID need some loosening up. Besides, that could be my good deed for this week, she told herself as she took a deep breath and asked cheerfully, "So, ummm… Mark? What do you do, are you a student?"

Collins' grip tightened around her waist. She could feel his smile nearly piercing her back as he bent to whisper in her ear, "Better."

"F-filmmaking. I film."

Maureen ignored Roger's expression. BOOOOORING was written all over his face, but she didn't care. She was on a mission now. She flashed Mark a reassuring smile. "Showbusiness? Sounds like fun! Anything I'd know?"

He laughed softly. "I do independent stuff, I'm not really… in showbusiness."

She put her hand on the table absentmindedly. "Too shame," she smiled, slowly covering his hand with hers. "Why don't we… go back to that 'nice cozy loft' of yours, and you could show me some of your work?…" From the corner of her eye she could see Roger, who was choking on his drink. Mark blushed deep red as he stared at her wide-eyed.

Collins grabbed her arm. "What are you doing?" was his furious whisper.

She smiled innocently at him. "Being nice, as you asked me to." She turned her attention back to Mark and smiled flirtaciously. He turned to look at Roger, who still looked a little shaken himself but gave his friend a go-for-it nod.

Collins sighed, as if she was a hopeless case. "Gee, you're awfully quick at heart, aren't you? Don't hurt him now," he warned before he let go of her arm and grabbed Roger's instead. "Let's leave them to get better acquinted."

Maureen stared at him startled and slightly panicked. It was one thing doing this with so many people around them. Could she possibly do this one-on-one? "You're leaving?" she asked just as Mark stammered the same question.

"We're leaving?" whined Roger. It seemed as if he enjoyed the scene and didn't want to miss the rest of it. Maureen guessed that Mark's lack of confidence was an easy target for the good looking and obviously popular Roger. He was probably teasing Mark mercilessly about it, making jokes or just enjoying to torture him. What a jerk, she thought. She couldn't help but feel sympathy towards Mark, who look terrified to stay there alone with her.

"Yes, we're leaving. Let's go, Roger," said Collins sternly. "Look, there's April!"

"Where?" Roger got up and followed Collins, falling for his trick.

Maureen waited until they mingled with the crowd and disappeared from her sight, then turned her attention back to Mark. "Who's April?"

"His girlfriend…" he shifted in his seat, still not looking directly at her. "I… I hope you're not too disappointed," he added weakly. Maureen raised a questioning eyebrow at that. "W-well… I mean… I hope you're not disappointed about g-getting stuck with me instead of… instead of…" his voice trailed off in embarrassment. Maureen shook her head in protest. That poor guy lived in Roger's shadow for too long. Someone had to do something to regain his confidence.

"I'll get over it," she said lightly and smiled, to assure him that she was kidding. "I hope YOU are not too disappointed, though."

"Wh-wh-me? Dis-dis-disappointed?" he let out a short dorkish giggle that made Maureen smile. There was something very honest and natural in that giggle that touched her heart. He didn't try to hide the fact that she was making him nervous. He was not pretending to be someone he wasn't. She admired that in a man. "Why would you say that?" he added quietly.

"You don't seem very happy to be here so I thought…" Then a frightening thought crossed her mind. He was a friend of Collins, after all… She eyed him suspiciously. "Or maybe it's not girls that you're interested in, huh? Are you and Roger…?"

He didn't get her hint. He glanced over to where Roger and Collins were sitting with two men, then realized what she meant and turned to face her, panicked and embarrassed. "NO! No, he has April! She's a girl, I think… I mean! I like girls just fine!" he ended, looking at her miserably, as if he was mortified by what he had just said.

Maureen leaned a little forward. "Have you ever had a girlfriend, Mark?"

"No… not a real one, ummm… that's not what I mean, I mean… never committed. Never met anyone as magnificent, yet. W-why?"

Maureen smiled lightly. "No reason, just… wondering. How old are you, anyway?"

"23, and you?"

She couldn't help but smile with great relief at his reply. She trully believed he was much younger than her. "I'll be 22 in May."

Finally, Mark dared and looked at her, REALLY looked at her, for the first time since she came sitting with them. Maureen suddenly noticed how remarkably blue his eyes were behind these damn thick framed glasses.

She knew she had to make the first step for him, for he would never dare doing it himself. He was too shy for it, but it didn't even both her, from a reason she couldn't quite explain. She touched his hand gently. "You might want to ask me out…"

Mark hesitated. He sent sideway glances at Roger, as if he needed his help, but then faced her again and smiled. Maureen sighed with relief. An honestly comfortable smile, at last. "W-would you like to go out? Tomorrow night?" he bit his lip with anticipation and glanced at her anxiously.

Does he really think I'll turn him down after all that? I'm not THAT cruel. And he's too cute to disappoint. A slow smile appeared on her face as she nodded her agreement. "Sure."

A huge grin nearly cracked Mark's face. Like he was just told he won a ticket to Disneyland, thought Maureen. "Really? Great! I'll meet you at your place… I mean, I'll pick you up…" he started digging through his pockets, taking out paperclips, mints, receipts, a piece of paper and, eventually, a pen. He handed it to Maureen, who scribbled her address on the paper.

"Eight o'clock?" she asked as she slipped him the paper back with a smile.

Mark's eyes twinkled like a Christmas tree. "Yeah," he whispered excitedly.

The magic wore off the moment Roger and Collins came back to the table. They obviously saw her writing down her address, for Roger smacked Mark playfully on his back.

"Someone SCORED!" he announced proudly, making Mark blush.

Maureen felt Collins' arms embracing her waist again. "Thank you."

She turned to him and frowned, but it was clear to both of them that she didn't really mean it. "You're VERY welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, boys, I have to go backstage and wrap up our equipment…"

A knock on the door shook Maureen out of her reverie. "Maureen, you coming? We're on in five!"

"Yeah, thanks Kelly, I'll be right there!" she called back.

She got up, straightened her dress, checked her makeup. You're gonna go through this, she promised herself as she made her way to the stage. Just… let go of the memories for tonight. Let go of him.

She was momentarily blinded by the spotlights before she got used to their presence. Then she realized how much she missed it. She hadn't performed in a while, not since that scandalous protest in Christmas Eve two years ago. It looked like forever.

She could see her friends cheering in one of the low tables, the closest to the stage, not in one of the high tables at the back. Collins was screaming and whistling like crazy. Mimi didn't look so well. She was pale and looked weak and fragile but she was still cheering and saying something in spanish once in a while. Maureen picked up only fragments of those. Roger had his arm around Mimi's shoulder and was on his third beer already…

The empty chair next to Roger suddenly caught her attention.

Her smile froze.

Mark wasn't there.

Everything became blurred as an unfamiliar feeling of hopelessness suddenly crept under her skin. She felt completely paralyzed, and held on to the mic for support. She caught Collins' reassuring smile from the corner of her eye, but suddenly it wasn't enough. She felt like she was suffocating.

The band started playing the notes of their first song, but Maureen couldn't remember the lyrics. She couldn't remember anything, couldn't think of anything, as her gaze wandered once again to that empty chair.

"Maureen, what's wrong?" hissed one of her backup singers. She couldn't even answer. The band kept playing. Feeling her distress, they made the introduction longer so she could pull herself together and keep up, but Maureen remained frozen.

Murmurs and whispers of discomfort passed among the audience in the crowded club as they all watched her, confused and somewhat embarrassed. Collins, Roger and Mimi exchanged worried looks as they watched her in great puzzlement. Maureen didn't even noitce them. All she sould see in front of her was Mark on that first night, the way he spilled their drinks, the way he giggled so dorkishly, the way he finally looked at her, the way she slowly started falling for him…

As much as she tried, the lyrics of that first song wouldn't come back to her. Other words were whirling mercilessly through her mind, creating their own melodies in her head, her heart… You're miserable and I'm not… burn the past, burn us… she'll be twice the person you'll ever be… how does it feel, being… alone?…

The backup singers took over and started singing her solo in perfect harmony. Maureen finally remembered the lyrics and started singing along with them, but her voice came out trembling and unsteady. She got the words all wrong. She couldn't stay concentrated, and the reason for it suddenly dawned on her.

She needed Mark to be there, and he wasn't.

She wanted him back.

To the amazement of her friends in the front row, the audience, her band, for the first time in her life, Maureen Johnson backed away and ran off the stage.

She was shaking. Badly. Cold sweat slowly gathered on her forehead. She couldn't decide if she was burning hot or freezing cold. She didn't know anything. Tears were streaming down her face but she didn't even feel their presence as she dropped to the floor, crawled to the corner of the dressing room and leaned against the wall, her knees pressed to her chest, and started rocking herself back and forth.

She loved him. She just did. She always had. How couldn't she realize that up until now? And what the hell was she going to do now that she had?

"Maureen?" She raised her head and suddenly Collins was there. He gasped as he noticed her in the corner of the room but quickly pulled himself together and hurried to kneel beside her. "Jesus Christ, Maureen, are you okay?" he asked gently, touching her face.

"Collins, man, what's happening?" she could hear Roger's voice from the doorway.

She heard another gasp, and then a female voice asked, "Dios mio, is she all right?"

"I don't know guys, give me a second here, will you?" asked Collins with rising panic. "Maureen, sweetie? What's wrong?"

She wanted to tell him to bring Mark… that she needed him there… that she couldn't do that show without him… but couldn't speak. The room started spinning.

Collins wrapped his arms around her and turned over his shoulder. "Roger, go get a doctor, NOW!"

"What's wrong with her?" asked Mimi.

"I don't know, she's shaking and…"

"Is she on something?" asked Roger suddenly.

"You know she doesn't use this stuff, Roger," said Collins sternly. Then his voice softened again as he touched her face. "Maureen, Reeney, talk to me, can you do that? Can you talk to me?"

She could barely open her eyes to look at him but she eventually did as she found her voice again. "No… no doctor…" she managed to mumble. She hardly recognized her own voice. It came out so hoarse and weak…

"What was that, sweetie?" asked Collins gently. It sounded as if his voice was coming from many miles away. She felt as if she was slowly slipping away. She couldn't help but wonder if that was that breakdown she feared from since that day started.

"No doctor," she repeated, "Just… take me home…"

"We have to get her to a hospital, Collins!" Roger sounded panicked as well now.

Maureen dropped her head on Collins' shoulder as everything around her went blank, but she could still hear them, speaking frantically to one another.

"Collins, look at her, she doesn't know what she's saying!" said Mimi.

"No, just call a cab, we'll take her home."

"You sure, man?"

"Yes. She's gonna be all right," he said it close to her ear. His voice was soft, comforting, as he brushed her hair away from her face. Maureen snuggled closer to Collins as he picked her up from the floor and carried her outside of the club through the back door, to where Roger had just stopped a cab.

The last thing she could remember before she drifted into frenzied slumber was what Mark had told her that morning. You lost.