Chapter Twenty-Two

Couple of days had passed, but Mimi hadn't yet shown any sign of improvement. She was drifting in and out of consciousness and most of the time she was groggy by painkillers. Maureen wondered how long it would take, as she took a nap on an orange plastic chair in the waiting room, leaning against Collins' broad shoulder. She wasn't really asleep. She hadn't slept properly since they first got into the hospital, and though she was exhausted, she just couldn't let herself completely surrender to slumber. She had to stay awake in case there would be any change, the tiniest change, in Mimi's condition.

Over her head, Mark and Collins were talking in low voices, so that their conversation wouldn't interrupt her. She snuggled closer to Collins, feeling protected by his warmth. She couldn't understand what they were talking about; she was too tired to really listen.

She and Mark hardly spoke to one another, no more than the necessary amount of words. He brought coffee to all of them each morning from the closest Starbucks and gave her hers without even looking at her. Obviously, Collins noticed immediately that something was wrong but even though he tried to ask her about it, Maureen told him nothing, and he knew better than putting any pressure on her. Her arms didn't hurt as much anymore, her lower lip lost its swelling, most of her bruises healed, but her heart was still scarred by Mark's decision to stay away from her for the time being. Of course, Maureen realized his motives. It was true, they hurt each other too many times, he was tired of it and he needed his peace and quiet. He deserved it, too. His timing was just lousy, as far as Maureen was concerned.

Someone wrapped something around her shoulders gently. She opened her eyes to face Collins, who still held one sleeve of the trench coat he had just put around her. She didn't even realize she fell asleep. She smiled tiredly. "Hey."

"Hey sweetie," he removed a lock of hair out of her face.

Maureen sat up and stretched, then looked around her. Mark was nowhere to be seen, and Roger was never in the waiting room anyway. Unless there was a doctor around he had never left Mimi's side. Maureen assumed that Mark was there with him, probably trying to convince him to eat something. The hospital's cafeteria didn't have much to offer for dinner, so for the passing couple of nights Collins ordered a large box of pizza from a nearby Italian restaurant, but Roger hardly even touched that. They were all very worried about him. It was very obvious that he was reliving the nightmare right after April died. Although Mimi's case was different, they remembered too well how Roger was like when he had lost April. They hated to see it happen again.

"What time is it?" asked Maureen through a yawn.

Collins glanced at his watch. "It's 11:30a.m. You should get some sleep, Reeney."

"I just woke up."

Collins shook his head. "No. Not here. Go home, take a real nap. Come back later."

"I can't go home, Collins."

"I insist. Look at you, you're a wreck. We don't need two of you hospitalized," he said gently. "Come on. I'll watch Roger. If I was able to convince Mark to get out of here I'm sure I can convince you as well."

That took her by surprise. "Mark went home?" She couldn't believe he left Roger. He must have been really worn out if he agreed to go.

"I told him to get out of here, to get some fresh air, to take some pictures. He tried to protest but you know me, irresistible."

Maureen smiled weakly, then looked hesitantly at Collins. "I don't know, Collins."

"Come on, Maureen... here," he took some money out of his jacket's inner pocket. "Take a cab. I'll call you later."

Maureen took the money with a frown. "Fine. But when I come back, you go. Okay?" She was worried about him, too. Mimi's declining health brought some painful memories for Collins. Maureen knew he was constantly thinking of Angel's last days. Plus, as the rest of them, he was worried sick about Mimi.

He returned her faint smile. "Okay. Now go," he kissed her forehead.

Maureen hesitated for another moment, then gave him a short hug and left the hospital.

Traffic was surprisingly bearable, and she got home in no time. She locked the door and kicked her shoes off her feet, then changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt and crawled into bed. She tossed and turned, rearranged the pillows under her head, but couldn't fall asleep. The noise from the street seemed stronger than usual, and even the wind chimes on the fire escape sounded like Big Ben. Damn it, she thought as she went out of bed. She really needed to get SOME sleep. The problem was, that she was too exhausted to do even that. She padded into the living room, turned the TV on and laid back on the couch, pulling a woolen blanket over her. Mute cartoons always put her to sleep, so she stared at the screen for a while in an attempt to clear her mind of any thought. She found it impossible. All she could think of was Mark. She knew he was very upset about Mimi's condition and its effect on Roger. He didn't have to say anything about it, it was quite obvious. There was an unmistakable shadow upon his gray blue eyes, which got darker each time the doctor said there was nothing new about Mimi.

She wanted to call him, but couldn't decide if she should. Would it be wise to do that? He made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with her. But on the other hand, she was worried about him. She had to try.

The wireless phone was on the coffee table. Maureen picked it up and stared at it thoughtfully before she started dialing. Her only answer, though, was the dial tone, followed by the guys' recorded message. Damn. Maureen hung up, repressing a desperate sigh, and laid back.

If he had answered, what would she have said anyway? How could she have explained why she called? It was a stupid idea, she scolded herself as she closed her eyes. What were you thinking?

An ear-piercing ring made Maureen nearly jumped off the couch with a start. She fell asleep without even knowing it, and the phone's receiver stayed where she had dropped it before, close to her ear. It was still ringing, she realized, and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Maureen?"

Collins. Maureen sat up and looked around her, somewhat disoriented. "Yeah..."

"Did I wake you, sweetie?"

"Guess you did..." she yawned. "I didn't even realize I fell asleep until you called... What time is it?"

"Hmmm... It's nearly 4."

Whoa! "Want me to come to the hospital?" she asked, already halfway to her bedroom. She couldn't believe she was asleep for nearly three hours.

"No. Take your time. I have tons of stuff to read anyway, doesn't matter where I do it. You can come back here tomorrow morning."

Her forehead cringed. Shit. He tricked her again, and she was too tired to even notice it. "Tomorrow morning? Collins, you said-"

"Maureen, come back tomorrow and that's an order. I don't want you to show your pretty face in this waiting room until it's 9a.m. max."

Maureen laughed softly as she sat on her bed. "What am I supposed to do until then?"

"Go back to sleep, go out shopping, I don't care. But stay away from here for the rest of the day."

Being well experienced by now, Maureen knew better than fighting against Collins. She could never win anyway. She sighed. "Whatever you say, Collins."

"Good. I'll see you tomorrow morning then." He hung up before she had any chance to say anything else.

Since she was already wide-awake, Maureen decided to take a long, well deserved shower. She stood under the water for what felt like hours, washing away the hospital scent that stuck in her hair, drowning it with hot water and rose scented soap. She felt as if she was reborn when she finally stepped back into her bedroom, wrapped in a towel.

She wondered how to spend the rest of the day. She was in no mood for shopping. Neither did she have the money to afford it. She was suddenly full of energy thanks to that shower, but too worried and upset to actually do something about it. On the other hand, she couldn't stay home.

There was only one thing Maureen could think of doing. She thought about it a lot in the passing few days, felt the undeniable urge to go there, but couldn't bring herself to actually go. She hadn't been there for years, yet what happened with Mimi brought back some painful memories, and it was finally time to face them. Maureen couldn't deny to that fact.

She dropped the towel to the floor and put on black pants and a small white T-shirt. She spent some time drying her hair in an attempt to give it some shape, but didn't bother with make-up, for she wasn't in the mood. Dead guys wouldn't care much anyway.

It was almost five when the cab came to a halt in front of the cemetery. Maureen stepped out of it and walked slowly towards the entrance. She hesitated, then took a deep breath and pushed the heavy metal gates open. She hadn't been there for a while, but surprisingly she found her way quite easily among the silent tombstones.

It had a tombstone now, too. The last time she had been there was nearly three years ago in the burial service. The guys were there after Angel's funeral, back in Halloween, but Maureen couldn't bring herself to join them.

She sat on the soft grass and put the flowers she brought closer to the stone. Lilies. She had always loved them.

A sudden gust of wind caused Maureen to snuggle deeper into her red coat. She looked at the tombstone thoughtfully. April Catherine Rubio- a Beloved Daughter and a Friend. April was only two years older than Mimi when she died. They were so different from one another. April was never a strong person, not as much as Mimi, who had more strength in her than anyone could possibly imagine. Mimi's fragile look was deceiving. She was well aware of her illness and its consequences, and fought it with all of her might. Maureen adored her for that. Mimi's future might be at stake, but at least she gave a good fight. She didn't give up, she never had. She taught all of them to live each moment as if it was the last.

Maureen remembered the day when that petite Latina girl came into her life, her heart, her soul. It was after her Christmas protest in the lot, when they all went to Life. Maureen was surprised when Roger introduced Mimi to all of them. Not only was he outside of the loft, he was with a new girl, of all things. He hardly went out anymore, so seeing him Mooing and wooing with the rest of the guys in her show was a little strange. It got impossibly stranger when she met Mimi. She liked her from the very beginning. By the look on Roger's face, Maureen could tell that he didn't like her quick attachment with Mimi. It was the first time she met Angel, too, and although Collins had known her for no more than several hours, Maureen could tell that his life had changed so much already. He looked so happy and alive; it made her happy as well.

It was almost unavoidable. From that day on Maureen, Mimi and Angel spent a lot of time together, especially during the weekends, when they used to wander around the flea market, looking for cheap jewelry and second hand clothes. Angel always had great fashion tips. She always noticed what other people didn't, and Mimi and Maureen considered her as their fashion goddess.

And then, one day, Angel was gone, and it became the two of them. Their meetings became less frequent, as if they died with Angel. She was the living soul of their threesome, their fire, but soon Maureen and Mimi returned to their old habit, though a little reluctantly at first, as if they were trying to keep Angel's memory by it.

Maureen laughed to herself as she remembered Collins' home coming party several weeks back. She wished Angel could be there with them. She remembered Mimi's song. She sucked, big time, yet she knew it and didn't try to hide it or anything. Courageous. Maureen knew that April could never do such a thing. Unless, of course, she was drunk enough. Alcohol always worked its magic on her.

Although it was clear to everyone that Mimi couldn't carry a tune, it was also very clear that she had other talents. She was a magnificent dancer. Maureen had never seen her dance at the Cat Scratch but they went out dancing couple of times, and she knew that Mimi was probably the most amazing dancer she'd ever seen in her life. Her style was so unique and her movements were so gentle yet sharp and determined. There was no hesitation in Mimi's dance, just as there was no hesitation in her personality. Maureen couldn't do much but envy that special talent of hers. And she felt sorry for Mimi, because she knew that if things would have turned out differently, she could have learned how to dance in the best schools, maybe even in Europe, she could do something about it. She would make a beautiful ballerina, thought Maureen with a smile as she imagined Mimi in a white ballerina's dress. It was so different than the kind of dance she did at the Cat Scratch, but still so Mimi. Not a lot of people knew that side of her; Maureen was one of the few who did.

Her thoughts drifted back to their crazy trip to NYC; the costume shop... bumping into Joanne... Maureen stopped herself from laughing aloud at the memory of the petite Mimi in a blonde curly wig, a kimono and sunglasses, trying to fool Joanne. That was such a great day. She felt that there was such a strong bond between them after that day, as if they really were sisters. Maureen couldn't help but think back about that serious talk they had at the café. I thought true love lasted forever... like a flame. She found herself wondering, maybe Mimi was right after all. Maybe there was such a thing as true love. And if there was... was she too late to find it? Did she find it but lost it before she even realized she had it?

And what was eternity, anyway? Nothing lasted forever. Maybe except for memories, she thought as she looked at April's tombstone. Memories and stones like that.

Would memories be all she'd have left from Mimi soon?...

Maureen shook her head to get that unwelcoming thought away. Don't think about the worse, she told herself fiercely. Mimi is stronger than the worse. She's gonna make it, no matter what the doctors may say. They don't know her as you do.

But nothing lasted forever.

The tears came with no warning. Maureen didn't even realize that she was crying until she felt the tears' warm presence against her cheeks. Soon her silent crying turned into uncontrollable sobs, as she sat there in front of April's grave and wept into her hands. It felt as if a part of her soul was slowly tearing apart, as if it was the end of something, only she couldn't tell of what, exactly.

Praying was never her style, but there in the cemetery, it felt like the right thing to do. God, please don't take her away just yet. She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate at that thought. Tears were streaming down her face as her whole body was shaking with crying. Please don't take our angel away.

She opened her eyes and gazed at April's grave for a long moment. Maybe it's not God I'm supposed to pray to, she thought. She looked at the tombstone hesitantly. Would she hear her?

"I'm not here because I forgive you, April," she started, her voice shaking slightly yet determined at the same time. It might be silly, but she had to let it out. "Maybe I don't have a right to say such a thing because we're supposed to forgive the dead for their sins, but I just can't forgive you for yours. It might be a terrible thing to do but I don't care, because you didn't care either. I don't pretend to know what you were thinking back then. I keep telling myself that you might have thought that killing yourself would make everything easier. Well, it didn't. Maybe it made things easier for you, but not for the rest of us. And wherever you are, I hope you can see where your death brought us, April.

"I can't speak in behalf of the others but personally I think I could never forgive you for messing up my life. Mark and me are no longer together. Weird, huh? I remember you said once that we'd end up with two kids and a dog somewhere in the suburbs. You used to say that Mark was the only one who could tame me; maybe you were right about that. But we broke up… I dumped him. And it was probably the most stupid thing I did in my life because now I realize that he was my one all along… but it's too late. I lost him, for good, I ruined everything… and I could never forgive you because it was all your fault in the first place, you died and we… we died as well. You killed all of us along with you and you didn't even care. But you know what? If you didn't care enough for me, or Mark, that's fine, but you could have at least thought of Roger before you stuck that damn razor in your arm.

"How could you do this to him, April? How could you be so selfish? How could you leave him alone here to DIE? How is it possible that you were together for so long and you didn't know what he'd do for you? Didn't you know he'd be there for you no matter what? Didn't you know he'd stand by you if you told him the truth? Or did you know and just didn't give a damn?"

She stopped for a moment to catch up her breath, and looked up at the tombstone again. It felt as if the black letters that spelled April's name were staring back at her, silently waiting for her to go on. "Our lives have changed so much, you know?" her tone softened, along with her features, as she thought of Mimi once again. "Mark hates me, Collins found love and lost it, Roger's got himself a new girl. I used to think it was you who sent Mimi into his life, because she's so perfect for him. She's all he'll ever need. She helped him cope with the illness, the pain, life; she's his guardian angel. He's finally happy again. I don't think he'll ever be able to get over everything you've done to him, but he does his best, he's on the right track, and he IS happy. But now… Mimi's sick. We don't even know if she'll pass the night… and Roger cannot lose her as well, April, he cannot go through all that again. He doesn't deserve more pain and loss, he's had enough. April, please, please, if you're there, somewhere, don't let her die… this is the least you owe us, the least you owe him. Don't let our angel die…"

Her sobs grew impossibly stronger, she had to stop speaking. She felt lost and weak and hopeless. How much more loss could they take? First April, then Angel, was Mimi next? Of all people, why did the good ones always had to be taken?...

Someone touched her shoulder gently. Maureen turned around startled. It wasn't completely dark yet, but the cemetery was nearly deserted and the touch came out of nowhere. Her vision was blurred with tears but she could have recognize that tousled blonde hair and thick framed glasses everywhere.

"M-Mark?" her voice came out weak and trembling. Damn it, why couldn't she stop crying?

Mark knelt beside her, looking somewhat concerned. She couldn't blame him. She had never let herself break like that in front of anyone, including herself, except for that one time during April's funeral. And now it seemed to be even worse than that day. "Hi," he said quietly.

"What... how did you..." she stammered. She rummaged through her bag until she finally found a tissue, and sniffed into it. She didn't bother to wipe the tears away. They just kept coming, so there was really no point doing that.

Mark sat on the grass, a bit closer to her now. He rubbed her back gently. "It seems like we had the same idea." He paused for a moment. "Afraid for Mimi?"

The name alone brought fresh tears into Maureen's eyes. She was surprised that she even had any tears left. She nodded. "I just don't want her to..." she couldn't say it. She could only hope Mark would understand. "We've just lost so many of them already, I don't think I can handle another death so soon," she cried desperately. The only thing she wanted was to hold Mark and cry into his shirt, but she didn't dare to move any closer. His hand on her back felt good though.

"That's why I visited Angel," he said. "Why April?"

That's it, deep breaths, she told herself. She calmed down slightly, and the sobbing stopped. She could finally look back at him. He looked nice, she noticed. He wore his dark blue corduroy jacket over a gray and navy blue T-shirt which said Three...Two...One and was shadowed in different proportions, and light blue jeans. His favorite black and white scarf was tightly wrapped around his neck. She looked at him fondly for a moment, then remembered that she hadn't yet answered his question. "I haven't been here ever since she..." she stopped, unable to say it. Could she finally tell him the truth? "I couldn't... I was so angry with her."

Mark looked at her, his expression both surprised and curious. "Why?"

Maureen took a deep breath. It was a painful memory. She wasn't sure she could share it with anyone, especially not with Mark. "I believed... that by doing what she did, April didn't ruin just Roger's life... she ruined our as well... yours and mine... and I hated her for it." She glanced at him carefully. Would he get it?

Mark frowned, as if he didn't agree with what she had just said. "You shouldn't hold her responsible for our lives... we brought that onto ourselves, we let it get to us. You should be praying near Angel's grave." Then he stopped, realizing what he was saying. "Sorry for sounding a bit... bossy," he offered her a faint smile.

Maureen returned that smile. She looked at him hesitantly, then asked carefully, "Will you do something for me?"

Mark looked puzzled. Maureen knew he was trying to guess what she was about to ask, and according to that, to make a decision about what kind of an answer to give her. Eventually he gave up and glanced at her. "What's that?"

She looked straight into his eyes. It matched the color of his jacket perfectly. "Can you just... hold me? For a minute?"

Mark looked uncertain. Then he slowly nodded. "Umm... okay... but this is strictly business," he added quickly, as if he had to make that justification for himself. It made Maureen sad, but that sadness quickly faded away as Mark moved to sit closer until he was right behind her, then he slowly and hesitantly wrapped his arms around her.

It felt awkward at first, and Maureen was beginning to feel slightly embarrassed for throwing herself at him that way. Soon, though, the embrace lost its cold stiffness as Mark started to feel more comfortable doing it. His touch felt more natural, and Maureen let herself melt back into his embrace. She laid her head on the soft fabric of his shirt. "Thanks," she whispered.

Mark held her tight. "She'll be okay. She's not going to die," he promised.

Maureen couldn't help but envy his confidence. "You can't know that," she insisted. "If she dies... God, I don't even want to think about it..."

"Then don't think about it," he replied simply. It sounded so easy. Don't think about it.

How could she not think about it? How could she not be bothered by that death sentence that was hung over Mimi's head?

She was finally beginning to calm down though. It felt good to be held by someone. Mark's heart was beating rhythmically against her ear through the thick layers of his jacket and shirt. His body was warm; his aftershave accompanied the nice aroma of the flowers she laid beside April's grave. Her tears dried away as they sat there, silently watching April's tombstone.

"Maureen?"

"Huh?"

"What did you want to tell me?"

Maureen turned to face him. "What are you talking about?"

"Back at the loft... it felt as if you wanted to say something but couldn't. What was it?"

Back at the loft? What was he... Oh, she suddenly remembered, THAT night when she and Michelle got into that stupid catfight. When Mimi collapsed. When she was so close to tell him that she loved him, but couldn't.

She looked away, then back at Mark. He eyed her curiously from behind his glasses, and Maureen knew he was still waiting for her to answer. "I just... needed to tell you..." she didn't remember moving forward, but suddenly Mark was dangerously closer. So close, that their lips nearly touched. "...That I..." Oh, damn it, I can't! I can't tell him, she thought desperately, then stopped herself. Her mind was racing. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn't bring herself to say the words, so instead, she did the only thing she could think of.

She moved closer, closing the small distance that was still left between them, until her lips grazed his with the slightest touch. Maureen Johnson never gives up, she reminded herself as she pressed her lips more fiercely against his and wrapped her arms around his neck.

That act caught Mark completely off guard, she could tell. For a second he remained paralyzed and let her kiss him. But soon, as the initial shock subsided, he was kissing her back. Maureen couldn't tell whether it was Mark's mutual need for that kiss or simply pure instinct but he delved deeper into the kiss. His arms, that were already wrapped around her waist, tightened, pulling her impossibly closer.

Then, as if he suddenly realized what he was doing, Mark broke the kiss. He sat back and looked at her in total confusion. "Maureen...?"

Maureen looked back at him, breathless. "What?"

"That wasn't supposed to happen," he said seriously. Maureen wasn't sure if he was trying to convince her or himself.

"Why?"

He looked stunned by the question alone. "Why?" he repeated, then sighed desperately. "Maureen, we promised... we said we wouldn't hurt each other again."

Her lips curled into the tiniest smile as she said, "You know me long enough to know that I'm having a hard time keeping promises."

"So how can you possibly expect me to believe that you're going to keep this one?"

"I love you." Quick. Honest. Simple. The secret was out.

Mark looked completely stunned, as if he had never expected to hear such a thing, not from her, and definitely not so out of the blue. Through the entire time they were together, he was the one who always told her first that he loved her. She had never said it first. When she answered his "I love you's" it was always lightly, casually, as if it was taken for granted.

Well, except for this time.

Mark stared at her for a long moment, as if he forgot how to speak. If the kiss caught him off guard, hearing these three words nearly caused him a heart attack. Maureen glanced at him carefully, trying to read beyond his puzzled expression, without much success.

Finally, he seemed to find his way with words again. "Maureen... I'm not sure what to say." He said it gently, as if he didn't want to hurt her. He placed his right hand on her cheek and looked deeply into her eyes. "We need to talk."

Maureen nodded. They did need to talk. She couldn't argue with that.

Mark got up and held his hand for her, helping her up as well. Maureen took one last look at April's grave before she turned away and followed Mark out of the cemetery.

A/N- Don't you just LOVE cliffhangers?…