A/N: I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! This update took way too long. And I left it at a cliffhanger! (cries oceans) I humbly beg for your forgiveness, good readers. I hope this makes up for it, as the story quickly approaches the end. I'm thinking... two more chapters. Yes. Or... one more chapter and an epilogue. Erck... I'll try to post soon. Meanwhile... ENJOY!
Chapter Fifteen: To be Loved
"Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone. The worst is over, and you can have the best of me."
"The Best of Me" -The Starting Line
(Last Chapter)
"What is it Mai? Tell me."
"I'm in love with you."
XXX
He looked back at her with sadness in her eyes. "Why? It is not meant to be."
"I know. But I had to tell you. I had to say it out loud. I honestly and truly love you with everything that I am. I needed something for closure. Now I can let you go."
Sighing, he pulled her towards him roughly. "Oh damn it Mai, you just have to make everything difficult, don't you? But... what the hell."
Then, taking her totally by surprise, he put his arms around her and drew her even closer to him. He looked at her with an unreadable expression, one that made her positively melt in her shoes. Her eyes closed, and gently, he pressed his lips to hers.
The kiss was beautiful- cold and hot, just like him. It was special, amazing, and it took her breath away. Even though it was bittersweet, she knew that she didn't want it to end. Fire spread from every spot he touched her. It started softly, but turned into a fierce, passionate upheaval of all the feelings that both were sorting through. Confusion, desire, longing, and... in at least one case, bushels and barrels of love.
It ended almost as quickly and surprisingly as it had started. "You... oh wow, you kissed me."
"Hmm, and I was afraid you wouldn't notice."
"Shut up. I just... why did you do that? I know that you couldn't have meant anything by it, so it's like you're leading me on- giving me false hope. And don't you dare do that to me, it will only put me in more pain."
"I'm not trying to 'lead you on' Mai. If you really love me that much, then it was the least I could do for you. I think I might miss you a little, though I'm sorry to say I'll never be able to love you."
"That knowledge certainly doesn't make losing you any easier. I don't know if I'm ever going to get over you now! I'm really starting to hate you!" But though her words were negative, she threw her arms around him in a tight, bone-crushing hug, and he knew that she would never mean that.
"I need to be getting home now. And, I believe, so do you."
"Home? But you... where exactly do you live? I didn't know you had a home."
He rolled his eyes, and pushed her away from him, breaking the physical contact she had been reveling in. "You honestly thought that I lived here, under this tree? I am not that destitute, Mai. This is only more proof that you really are the most foolish thing I've ever come across."
"I'm sorry, I can't think straight. Your fault you know, you fried my brains when you kissed me."
"Nothing has changed; you are making this something when it is really nothing."
Reluctantly, she nodded, and then sighed. He turned, and began to walk away. It was dark then, and the light had all but disappeared. She watched him go, knowing that she was seeing him leave forever. That was it, their last moment before he left her world for good, never knowing just how much he had changed it.
She bit her lip as she weighed her options. Then, not able to let him go, she called, "Hey! Sesshoumaru, wait!" She ran the few feet that separated them quickly, eager to catch him. "Would you... would you walk me home? I'm sorry, I just want one last walk together. Then goodbye."
He seemed to consider it a moment, then nodded. "Fine. One last walk."
As they tread on, she couldn't help but glance at him. His pace was languid- slow even- but he still exuded that sense of urgency and unrest that she had come to know him by. "Have you made a decision yet?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm and level. He had said that he wouldn't be staying in human form, but she was hoping against hope that her words at least forced him to give it a little consideration.
"I've had years to think about this," he replied. "I"ve been able to go over every consequence, consider every path, and exhaust my every option. But still... I wonder if I know what I should do. I could say that my decision is made, but that leaves little room for contemplation."
"Which means?"
"There are still things to be considered." He looked up at the sky, the just-born stars shining through the inky blue darkness. Both people- the girl, lovestruck and lonely, and the man, proud and cold- were silent then, neither one sure what would be appropriate to say. They just kept walking, going on towards the morning.
As it turned out, he didn't walk her home. They wandered aimlessly for a while, as it was obvious to him Mai was trying to prolong the experience as long as she could. He knew where she was staying, she had told him before, more than once. But she would take wrong turns, and lead them farther instead of closer. He knew she didn't want to leave. He was starting to feel the same way himself.
That girl had saved him; he didn't want to hurt her. But he couldn't punish himself any longer. The dilemma he was faced with was a dangerous one. He just didn't know what to do.
"So why did you come here Mai? The situation isn't going to change, I'm afraid."
They had ended up, as he had feared they would, not at Mai's home (or more accurately her aunt's), but at his apartment. Together. She was still so innocent, and he knew it. Didn't she realize the implications of going home with a man? If she was looking for one-night-together-to-remember-him-by or some such romantic bull-shit, she wasn't going to get it. He wasn't that kind of guy, really. Or more truthfully, he knew she wasn't that kind of girl, and he wasn't going to let her do something he knew she would regret later.
"I know that. I-"
"If you know that, then why the hell are you still here?"
Mai looked around and sighed. Picking her coat up from the sofa she asked quietly and a little coldly, "Do you want me to leave?"
There was no reply. His mouth mindlessly opened to speak, but no words were prepared. How could he so callously dismiss the girl who, through nothing more than kindness and a little determination, saved him from an eternity of more torture? The simple fact was, that if he did just send her off with a careless wave, he might actually feel a bit... guilty. And that emotion was so foreign and new that even a hint of it made him apprehensive. Raw and inexperienced though his new-found understanding and acceptance might be, it was still there.
"It is for the best if you do." There. A simple, straight-forward answer. And even better, it was an honest answer.
"I didn't ask what was best. I asked what you wanted."
"Well, you imperceptive child, what I want is the best outcome of this situation." He looked sternly towards her in an attempt to ward off any pleas she might have a mind to make.
"There is something here," she said in response to his rather glare-ish expression. "You actually touched me- of your own free will. You... kissed me." Mai lowered her head, so she was looking at the floor. A rosy blush stained her young, embarrassed face. "But then you told me that we'd probably never see each other again. I confessed my crazy feelings, and you just-"
"I'm not ever going to love you Mai." He hung his own coat on a rack by the door, and with a dismissing look towards her, he went through a door on the far wall and into another room.
She, of course, followed. It was the kitchen, a white and metallic room that spoke of unwelcome intrusions and a solitary self-sufficiency. "You don't have to say it if you don't want to," she said from her position right behind him. "But I know you don't hate me. I know you care- at least a little."
He poured a bottle of water into a cup of ice, and took a deep swallow. Then without a word he walked back into his living room. Agitation rising, Mai stomped after him. He sat down on the big couch and slipped out of his socks.
"Are you being this cruel on purpose?" she asked him, coming up to lean against the back of the couch, just beside where he sat. "I don't think I can handle that, Sesshoumaru."
He almost smiled when she said his name. Cryptically he said, "It takes longer than that to heal a broken spirit."
"What?" she asked him, sliding her hands onto his shoulders. Even through the thin cotton of his shirt, he could feel an uncomfortable shock in every spot she touched him.
"I cannot stop being who I am overnight, you foolish girl. Your influence may be enough to melt the icy exterior, but my heart is hard as diamond underneath. It will take eons before it will even begin to drip."
Slowly her fingers began to roll over his shoulders, the sensation much more pleasant than he would have liked to admit. He shrugged gently, but the foolhardy girl didn't get- or just ignored- the hint.
"I understand," she told him. "But I'm willing to wait. And I think you should give me a chance. I love you a lot. How can I just forget that? Are you telling me to just ignore all my feelings?"
He shook his head lightly. "That isn't what I'm saying. Of course, the situation would be much easier if you had never fallen in love in the first place, but as that cannot be helped now, I would suggest that you simply move on and give your feelings to someone who truly wants and deserves them." He was silent for a brief moment. "And at any rate, I'm much too old for you."
She snorted in laughter. "Well, since you said that you were turned into a human over 500 years ago, then I would say that yes, under normal circumstances you are much too old. But these aren't normal circumstances- not in the least. I don't care if you're a thousand; I really don't care!"
"I'm not that old," he said slowly, "The years have become meaningless to me at any rate. As an immortal being, I just... couldn't bring myself to care."
Mai laughed. "It would be safe to say you're ancient then, hmm?" She leaned down to his ear, and he could feel her soft, warm breath on his cheek, "If it makes you feel any better, you don't look that old at all to me."
He sighed. "No Mai, that does not make me feel any better. And I would appreciate it if you would place a bit more distance between us."
She looked at him for a long moment, and then leaned down on the back of the couch, right beside him. "Should have remembered your personal space issues." She laughed rather sarcastically.
"Look Mai," Sesshoumaru said, placing a hand on her cheek. "I'm sure your intentions are... well, mostly good. But you are too naive and innocent to seduce anyone, you mean too much to be to just be a one night stand, and whatever you think you might accomplish by staying her any longer, I assure you that the plan will fail."
She sighed, and moved slowly from her place behind him to join him on the couch. She looked up at him, sadness deep in her eyes. He had never taken the time to look at her eyes before; they were a lovely, deep, stormy grey. The clock began to chime, but neither creature paid it any mind. The matter at hand was much more pressing.
"I don't want to seduce you," she said, finally looking away and pouting a little. "I just... I don't know what I want. You... this is all your fault! You've thoroughly confused me."
He rolled his eyes, and gave an agitated sigh. "I'll welcome all the blame."
She smiled at him, a smile filled with such love and adoration that he almost had to look away. He didn't want to hurt her- which surprised him- but the guilt- that damned guilt- he felt at turning her affections away was beginning to be enormous.
"You say that you could never love me," her voice stated out of nowhere, "but I think you're wrong."
He scoffed. "I am never wrong."
She almost laughed. "You're human, Sesshoumaru, whether you where meant to be or not. There are always going to be times when you're wrong."
The girl beside him moved closer. "You care about me. I know that. And I am NOT trying to seduce you- you're an idiot for even suggesting it. But I do care about you, too. I know that deep in your heart-" she put her hand on his chest, feeling for the pulse of said organ. "-You DO care for me."
"I know you wouldn't admit it," she said, her hand fidgeting with the side of his collar, "and you would never tell me you cared about me. But there is one thing that you can do for me. I'll leave, I promise. But after just one kiss goodbye."
She was much closer than she should have been, his internal alarms were going off like sirens in his mind. He could smell the lip gloss she had been wearing throughout the day, and he could see the tiny mole she had right under her right eye.
He knew he shouldn't. He would regret it. The girl meant nothing to him.
He knew he shouldn't.
Giving in to temptation was weak.
He wasn't going to honor the request.
It didn't matter how sincere the look in her eyes was; it didn't matter how strongly she loved him. All that was meaningless. It didn't matter that she looked beautiful right at that moment, wanting him and only him. It didn't matter how her hair fell softly over her ears, hiding them from plain view. It didn't matter that she was so close he could feel waves of her body height radiating off of her. All that... Didn't matter...
Cursing to himself softly, Sesshoumaru leaned in and kissed her fiercely, Mai's arms coming up around his neck. There was no coherent thought, only a desperate plea from one soul to another to accept a destiny that held light. That had, above all things... Love.
End A/N: I hope you liked this chapter! Once again, I apologize for the long time between updates. Maybe if I GOT SOME REVIEWS I'd post the next chapter sooner. I almost waited longer because I haven't been getting feedback on my new stuff at all. (sigh) Ah well. R and R!
Love and Peace!
-ADD