The Curse of the Chicken Crossing the Road

House loves the Clinic! Cameron becomes a nun! Foreman and Cuddy play pranks on House! Chase runs from a rubber chicken! Wilson is an alko! What on earth is going on? Why are they all OOC? Find out (or not) inside!

Once upon a time there was a kind, kind friendly doctor called Gregory House. He was a diagnostician. Employed under him were three ducklings. Their names were Yellow Duck, Black Duck, and Normal-Coloured-Duck.

Sorry? What was that? Oh, wrong story.

What I meant was: Employed under him were three other diagnosticians, whom he referred to as his precious ducklings. Their names, in order of Prettiness and Girlishness, were Allison Cameron, Robert Chase and Erica Foreman, I mean, Eric Foreman.

Allison and Erica – I mean Eric. Scratch that. Start again. Allison was the only one of the four supposed geniuses who was actually, well, a girl. Until one day when Robert Chase - but that's another story, so I won't go distracting you, eh?

Anyway, Allison, in all her Prettiness and Girlishness, for some strange reason was known by her surname, as Cameron. Which, paradoxically, is also given to males as a first name and means 'Crooked Nose.' Now, Cameron's nose was far from crooked, but, of course, this is not the point of the story.

We shall return back to Gregory House. He, like Cameron, preferred to go by his surname, and was known by everyone at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (the place where this amazingly kind-hearted doctor worked) as 'That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone-Including-The-Patients-(Which-Is-Very-Strange-Because-Patients-Shouldn't-Like-Doctors)-And-Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House,-Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway'

Or TKDWELITP(WIVSBPSLD)AEHEDCADFL,DH,WDMSA. But most people prefer the 'That-Kind-Doctor…' version, because they find that TKDWELITP(WIVSBPSLD)AEHEDCADFL,DH,WDMSA is far to hard to pronounce as one word (due to a severe shortage of vowels) and has far too many letters to remember off the top of their heads.

'That-Kind-Doctor…' was currently in the clinic, cooing at a baby. He looked up the baby's mother. "Anna is very sweet," he observed, nodding his overlarge head.

The mother smiled at him as though he were a million American dollars. (Well, of course the dollars were American, they are in America, after all.) "His name is Anakin-After-The-Star-Wars-Character, Doctor House. But I can understand how you could get confused, there are so many parents naming their children strange things these days. Why, just the other day I met a poor young mother calling out to someone called 'Buttercup-Eating-An-Apple-After-The-Character-In-The-Princess-Bride-When-She-Was-Eating-An-Apple. "

House nodded. "And I don't think that Buttercup even ate an apple in the course of that novel," he agreed.

The mother frowned in thought. "Well, I suppose she might have, but I certainly can't remember it.

House sighed, overdramatically. "I love the Clinic!"

The nurses in the hallway nodded to the confused patients in the waiting room. "That's Doctor House in there," they'd whisper conspiratorially. "Most people call him 'That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone-Including-The-Patients-(Which-Is-Very-Strange-Because-Patients-Shouldn't-Like-Doctors)-And-Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House-Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway'"

The patients nodded, awe flooding through their features. "Please, Mummy," said an annoying little kid with an Australian accent.

"I want to see That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone…" the kid trailed off, obviously having forgotten part of Doctor House's title, before picking up brightly, "…Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House." Cleverly forgetting the 'Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway' part.

This, being a parody, will also include a multitude of characters that would not be out of place in a Harry Potter novel. AKA: Dudley Dursley. Now, no-one really knew why Dudley seemed to have acquired an Australian accent, much less what he was doing in America, but that was far from The Point!

(The Point was actually on the tip of The Needle, which Mary-Sue was probably holding, probably someplace in England. Probably Surrey. Probably while she was pashing Harry Potter. Probably while he was defeating Voldemort. Probably while he was the Heir of Merlin and Godric Gryffindor. It was also probable that the situation was very clichéd.)

The point was, that young Dudley Dursley was here to see 'That-Kind-Doctor," who, incidentally, hand more hyphens in his title that Dudley's cousin, who was probably in the situation mentioned above.

After House had dispelled of Anakin-After-The-Star-Wars-Character and his mother, Dudley was granted his wish. He got to see Doctor House.

"Doctor, what is wrong with me!" he cried. "My skin has become discoloured, and I had to pay for two Business Class Seats on the Aeroplane to get here!"

Doctor House surveyed him, and, being the kind and sensitive Doctor that he was, tried not to poke at his rolls too much. He was about to announce that Dudley had some rare and impossible disease, before Cameron (remember? The prettiest and girliest one?) burst into the room.

"Blasphemy!" she shouted, letting out a warrior-like shriek.

House, Dudley and Petunia turned to her, their faces paling dramatically. "Who would commit blasphemy in my hospital?" he demanded. It was actually Cuddy's hospital, but we will deal with that topic later.

Cameron, her complexion pale, turned slowly to point at Dudley. "Him! He said the word discolored with a 'u'!" There were several dramatic gasps from the audience, despite the lack of one.

"Cameron my dear!" House exclaimed, falling to his knees. "What are you going to do about such a heinous crime?"

Cameron frowned, not having thought of this. "Well, um, I suppose it will have to be something drastic, non?"

"Yes! It always s in these stories! But ma chérie, when did you become French?" House queried politely as Dudley and Petunia faded away, no longer useful to the plot.

Cameron shrugged. "I decided this morning, thought it was kind of cool. Do you likeneaux?"

House stared at her. "Really hip, baby. But I'm not sure that that last bit was French."

Cameron frowned. "Really? You aren't allowed to make stuff up?"

House shook his head. "Aww, damn!" Cameron muttered, but smiled dazzlingly at him. "I know!"

At House's confused look, she elaborated. "About Dudley and his Blasphemy."

House rubbed his hands together and pulled on some fancy doctors gloves. "I shall become a NUN (in capital letters)!" Cameron exclaimed.

House threw his cane to the side and fell to his knees for the second time in this ridiculous tale. "But Cameron! You do realise that if you were to become a NUN (in capital letters), we would have to stop our Midnight Meetings (with capitals and fancy alliteration)?"

Cameron nodded solemnly. "Really, House. I love the sex. I love you. Hell, I even love Foreman, but the Midnight Meetings (with capital letters and fancy alliteration now known to have Foreman also) have to stop. It is for the greater good.

House nodded sadly and the scene faded, revealing Foreman and Cuddy in Cuddy's office.

Authors Notes:

Merry Christmas!

This, my dear friends, is what you get when you mix talking to your little brother and writing fanfiction. None of this was actually any of his ideas, but he was talking about my toy monkey placing bets on horse and wouldn't shut up despite being hit over the head with a long pole. No, seriously. I wrote this to stop random things like this happening in my more serious stories. Would you like me to continue? It could stand as a one shot, I suppose, but I'd have to change the summary.