The Curse of the Chicken Crossing the Road
House loves the Clinic! Cameron becomes a nun! Foreman and Cuddy play pranks on House! Chase runs from a rubber chicken! Wilson is an alko! What on earth is going on? Why are they all OOC? Find out (or not) inside!
I, the narrator, take time off my planning to bring you… the second chapter in this stunning epic! Cameron has, by now, acquired a crucifix and a habit. Holding her crucifix, she walked reverently into That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone-Including-The-Patients-(Which-Is-Very-Strange-Because-Patients-Shouldn't-Like-Doctors)-And-Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House,-Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway,-But-Has-Been-Amended-To-Remove-The-Part-About-Doctor-Cameron-Because-She-Became-A-NUN-(In-Capital-Letters)'s office. Leaning in front of his desk, she folded her hands together in prayer. "Lord, make me an inztrament of your war," she began.
"Where zere is love, let me zow 'atred…" Realising that That-Kind-Doctor had walked into the room, she stood up quickly, managing to knock everything off the bookshelves five meters away, even though this feat was completely impossible. "And please, Lord," she finished, "'Elp me to be a good NUN (with capital letters)."
That-Kind-Doctor smiled widely, spreading his arms wide to reveal his tar and feathered body. "Look at me!" he squeaked in excitement.
Cameron frowned, and clutched her crucifix to her chest. "What in the ruddy hell happened to you?" She seemed to be channelling the fanfiction version of Ron Weasley, though quickly snapped out of it and turned into a character that would put most people off TV.
"Oh dearie, ma chérie! What a problematic dilemma we have! You've been Tar-and-Feathered!" She seemed to have lost her French accent halfway through, because it was becoming too difficult to type, and it was crappy anyway.
That-Kind-Doctor nodded. "That's right! Lisa and Erica-, wait, I meant Eric, sprung me on my way to the clinic! They said that it was an attempt to get me out of the clinic because I love it so much!" That-Kind-Doctor seemed to have realised what he just said.
"I can't go in the clinic?" Cameron nodded enthusiastically, glad that someone had had mercy on the poor citizens of Atlantis, oops, the Clinic, and saved the depressed people from That-Kind-Doctor's OVER ENTHUSIASM! (In capitals)
That-Kind-Doctor's lip wobbled. "Whah! I WANT MY MUMMY!"
Cameron gaped at him. "My poor dear, you need a hug!" she cried, and leant over to do just that.
Unfortunately, That-Kind-Doctor hadn't completely been covered in feathers and the tar was still sticky. When Cameron went to pull away, she found that she was stuck. "My habit!" she moaned in distress. "I shan't leave it behind! We'll just have to walk around stuck together. Besides, the only consequences will be rumours about our hot, sweaty sex life!" she finished brightly.
That-Kind-Doctor smiled dreamily. "Those were the days," then, "MUMMY! I WANT MY MUMMY!"
Cameron attempted to rub her head. "Please, That-Kind-Doctor-Who-Everyone-Including-The-Patients-(Which-Is-Very-Strange-Because-Patients-Shouldn't-Like-Doctors)-And-Especially-His-Employees-Doctor-Cameron-And-Doctor-Foreman-Like,-Doctor-House,-Which-Doesn't-Make-Sense-Anyway,-But-Has-Been-Amended-To-Remove-The-Part-About-Doctor-Cameron-Because-She-Became-A-NUN-(In-Capital-Letters)-And-Was-Then-Re-Amended-Because-They-Were-Spotted-Stuck-Together-By-The-Tar-And-Feathers-That-Cuddy-And-Foreman-Stuck-On-That-Kind-Doctor, you're making my head hurt."
"Oh." That-Kind-Doctor said flatly. "Sorry. Want to go find out what Chase and Foreman are up to?"
Cameron shrugged. "Whatever."
Chase and Foreman were in a patient's house. They were in there because the patient was going home that day and she was very hot and neither of them had been laid in ages, so they figured that the patient whose name they didn't know was as good as any.
Foreman ducked his head under the bed because he felt like it, and started pulling out numerous objects, because he thought it was funny. After throwing a rubber duck, a packet of condoms, a towel, a priceless necklace, a toy monkey, a stuffed squirrel, a cork, a portable computer, a cell phone, and a 'home video' out on the floor, he found what he was looking for, and flung it onto the floor with the ret of the things.
"What is that?" Chase squeaked, terrified. Chase shook, staring in horror at the object on the floor.
Foreman came out of the closet (which used to be a bed,) leant over, and picked it up. He squeezed it. "It's a… rubber chicken?" Chase let out a wail of horror, and fell onto the floor, scrambling to his feet and running.
"I know you! You're going to kill me! I know it!" he shouted, and disappeared from the house.
Foreman looked at the rubber chicken. "Cool! Thanks, chicken. Now I get a hot chick all to myself!" he chuckled at his own lame joke. However, all his dreams were shattered in the next moment.
Wilson came drunkenly swaggering in to the bedroom. "Foreman?" he slurred happily. "I thought you didn't love me!"
Foreman looked a the rubber chicken. He then looked at Wilson. Throwing the rubber chicken at Wilson, he ran just like Chase had.
"Hey," Wilson slurred, squinting at the chicken. "Is that Julie's?"
That-Kind-Doctor and Cameron came swaggering in. "Yeah," they nodded. "Hey, Jimmy-James, how do you feel about coming with us to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting?"
Wilson nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that." He agreed, using bad grammar. That-Kind-Doctor was very kind and dragged Wilson there with the help of Cameron, because he couldn't stand on his own two feet.
(Well, actually, he thought he could, and managed to kick them off him and them apart from each other. He was so drunk that he beat them into blissful unconsciousness.)
"Well," Wilson sighed. "They're sleeping. I'm tired."
So he carefully laid himself down next to them and pretended to be a bear, which resulted in a fight with a dog in the gutter.
Chase and Foreman, meanwhile, had stopped running. "You too?" Chase asked, wide eyes, with reference to the rubber duck.
Foreman nodded, traumatised. "Wilson!"
Chase looked at him in sympathy, "Stacey," was his only reply.
Both promptly threw up.
Authors Notes: That wasn't as good as the first chapter, methinks. Never mind. The prayer that Cameron says at the beginning is actually an evilised version of my school prayer. I had to do that… You can probably tell… House and Cameron are my favourite characters, and I hate Stacey. Anyway, I think that is it. Unless I decide to add more later, which is highly unlikely, but possible, since there was no actual conclusion, see?