Synopsis: Kimura has his class do a production of Shakespeare's classic, A Midsummer Night's Dream. Lightly based upon my experiences in my college Shakespeare course. Some familiarity with the plot of the play might be helpful.
Azumanga Tales: Shakespeare Style!
The auditorium was gradually filling up with people. Even though the play about to be shown was just a class project by Class 3 and not an production officially sanctioned by the Drama Club, the rest of the school were quite interested in watching.
After all, Kimura was the strangest teacher in school after Yukari, and any class with Tomo Takino in it could hardly be said to be normal.
Peering out through the curtains, Yomi muttered nervously, "There sure are a lot of people out there."
"Really?" Tomo asked. She immediately stuck her head out and yelled, "Hello, everybody!"
Yomi yanked the short-haired girl back. "Please try not to make this day worse than it already is. What the hell was Kimura-sensei thinking?"
A week ago, the class was going over William Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream when the Classics teacher announced that they were going to perform the play.
"Reading a play is good," Kimura said. "But it can only be truly understood in the way it was meant to be conveyed. There are not enough parts for everyone, of course, so the class will divide into groups and each group will be responsible for one or two acts. And because I want to test your comprehension and not just your memorization, everyone will translate their character's lines into modern Japanese to perform in the front of the class."
The class buzzed excitedly about this change in routine.
"Since this is an informal performance, costumes will not be required, but if the girls would like to act in their gym clothes..." Kimura's jaw drooped over the thought.
The class ignored this odd behavior as usual.
Somehow over the week this simple class project evolved into a full-blown school event. Yukari had somehow gotten the idea that Kimura was intruding into her domain by doing plays written by an English playwright, so she had posted up fliers promoting a free audience performance in an attempt to embarrass him.
"Didn't you give any thought to how that would affect us?" Chiyo had asked.
"Not a single one," Yukari replied without blinking an eye.
Far from being embarrassed, Kimura thought it would be a good way to increase school spirit. The rest of the school seemed to feel similarly as the Fashion Club provided costumes and the Audiovisual Club reserved the auditorium and offered to run the lights and equipment for the class.
"We're doomed," Yomi moaned. "We never even had a full rehearsal."
Her group had agreed to practice at Chiyo's house, but through a series of strange circumstances, including Osaka having to leave town to attend a funeral, Kagura coming down with a three-day fever, Sakaki constantly wandering off after Tadakichi-san, and Tomo being Tomo, rehearsals were never completed.
"You worry too much," Tomo declared. "We're one of the acts in the middle. Everybody's going to remember the beginning and the end. Nobody's going to care about us."
"Really?" Yomi asked hopefully.
"Nah, we're screwed," Tomo replied cheerfully.
Act 1 through the first part of Act 2, Scene 1 went by smoothly. At the end of the first Oberon's speech, there would be a shift in actors. Tomo would replace Chihiro as Helena and Yomi would replace another male classmate as Demetrius.
"Here we go," Yomi breathed.
Tomo gave Yomi her trademark peace sign. "I want to wish you good luck!"
Yomi smiled at her friend. "Thanks."
Tomi then kicked Yomi in the shin.
"Ow! What the hell was that for?" Yomi yelled, rubbing her leg.
"I was wishing you luck," Tomo replied, looking confused.
"By breaking my leg...? Oh," Yomi said in realization. "Well, let me return the favor!"
Tomo had already started running.
"No, wait! You idiot, you're supposed to be chasing me on stage!" Yomi shouted, running after her.
As the two girls sorted out who was supposed to be chasing whom, Chiyo, in her capacity as narrator for this hodgepodge of a play, was already speaking.
Her high voice spread over the audience. "The fair Hermia, not wanting to marry Demetrius as her father commands, ran off with Lysander to be secretly married. Hermia's friend, Helena, learns of this and decides to inform Demetrius, whom she loves. Demetrius, though, loves Hermia and is not all that fond of Helena. The pair set off after the wayward couple and hope they will all meet in the forest."
(Act 2, Scene 1. The forest.)
Enter Demetrius with Helena following him.
YOMI (DEMETRIUS)
I don't love you! So stop following me!
Where's Lysander and Hermia?
You told me they went into the woods
And here I am in the middle of nowhere
Because I can't find Hermia.
Go away and stop bothering me!
TOMO (HELENA)
WAH! This sucks! You suck! It's your own fault that I'm following you. If
you stopped being so damn sexy, I'd stop following you.
YOMI
(Rolls eyes)
Am I giving off signals? Do I give you compliments?
I am telling you the honest truth
That I will never, ever, ever love you!
TOMO
That just makes me love you more! Because I'm apparently a masochist.
I am your spaniel! Demetrius, the more you beat me,
the more I'll suck up to you.
Tomo made a gagging nose. "Oh my god, I am sick! Isn't there a hotline I can call for this?"
"Tomo!" Yomi hissed. "Acting!"
Tomo instantly put on a weepy face and dropped to her knees.
TOMO
Spurn me, strike me,
Neglect me, insult me.
Use me as your whipping boy, uh, girl.
Treat me as you would a hated dog
As long as you let me stay with you!
Tomo ceased her melodramatic acting, frozen in realization. "Holy crap! I'm Helena! Just less whiny!"
Yomi smacked her forehead and muttered, "That's debatable."
"And Yomi, you fit the role of abusive lover perfectly!" Tomo concluded.
"The hell you say!" Yomi thundered, blushing fiercely. She shook with rage and spat out her next line with relish.
YOMI
You're so pathetic
That I feel sick when I look at you.
TOMO
I sicken me too, but I'm even sicker when you're not around! Who doesn't
love the four-eyed, chubby look?
Yomi's fist suddenly met Tomo's face.
Tomo staggered around the stage woozily then fell down. She mumbled into the floor, "You're not exactly disproving my point."
YOMI
You do impeach your modesty too much
You're rather brave or maybe just stupid
to be alone at night with someone who dislikes you intensely
and risk your (Yomi blushes) virginity so.
Tomo jumped to her feet with a deeply serious look on her face.
TOMO
I trust you more than you can know.
It is not night when I see your face
Because you shine bright enough to burn away the darkness.
Tomo suddenly looked at Yomi with shining eyes and Yomi started to feel uneasy.
TOMO
The woods are not lonely with you around
I respect you so much
How can I ever be alone in the world
When the world is you?
YOMI
I'm going to run away and let the bears eat you!
Yomi couldn't help noticing that Tomo was easing closer to her with every line, and that her eyes held a disturbing, predatory gleam.
TOMO
There's definitely no one like you
You can run but you can't hide.
The hunter will become the hunted in this new game of ours
So run, run as fast as you can,
I will catch you because I'm Tomo-chan!
Yomi dodged Tomo's lunging hug then gave a nervous giggle. "I had no idea you could act so well, Tomo."
Tomo didn't reply but simply kept advancing.
Yomi was not fully acting when she backed away in fear and squeaked, "If you follow me, I'll knock you into next Tuesday!"
Tomo spread her arms and abandoning any pretense at reading her lines, screamed, "Come to me, Yomi baby!"
Yomi's nerves finally broke and she ran screaming from the stage with Tomo at her heels.
(Exit Helena and Demetrius.)
Enter Oberon.
KAGURA (OBERON)
Good luck, lady. Keep him from leaving the woods
And if things go well, he'll end up seeking your love.
(Turns to face off-stage)
Ah, welcome, Puck. Do you have the flower I asked for?
Kagura waited, but no one came onto the stage. Kagura repeated her line, slightly louder, "Welcome, Puck! Do you have the flower I asked for? Osaka, get your butt out here!"
Chiyo's strained voice rang out at her. "Osaka's helping me with something. Just continue!"
"What's going on?" Kagura demanded.
"Kimura-sensei went crazy when he saw the fairies... Just keeping going!"
"Okay..." Kagura muttered.
KAGURA
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips --
There was a female scream backstage.
"Kagura, come help us!" Chiyo yelled.
"But my lines!" Kagura protested. Another scream cut off Chiyo's reply. Kagura stomped off the stage, swearing up a storm.
The sounds of shuffling, stomping, and clanging could be heard back-stage. Five minutes later, Sakaki's voice was heard saying, "Chiyo-chan, I think the audience is growing restless."
"I know," Chiyo said wearily. "We're going to have to skip the fairy sequence. Sakaki, you and Kaorin need to get out there."
(Act 2, Scene 2. Another part of the woods.)
Enter Lysander and Hermia
KAORIN (LYSANDER)
We've been walking all day, Hermia. I think we should stop and rest for the night.
SAKAKI (HERMIA)
Go find yourself a bed, Lysander. I will be fine lying here.
KAORIN
The ground will be fit for the both of us.
After all, we are as one, the two of us.
One heart, one bed, two bosoms, (Kaorin blushes)
And one troth.
SAKAKI
Good Lysander, for my sake,
Please do not lie so near.
Kaorin's eyes filled with tears. "Don't you like me, Miss Sakaki?"
Sakaki stared at her, bemused. "Uh..."
Kimura came rushing onto the stage, yelling, "I like you, Kaorin!"
Kaorin shrieked in horror.
Chiyo announced desperately, "Unknown to Lysander and Hermia, there was a monster in the woods that liked to prey on young girls..."
Sakaki and Kaorin were running in circles around the stage while Kimura chased them. Kimura took a mighty lunge and managed to grab hold of Kaorin's leg.
Kaorin tumbled to the ground with a shriek. She struggled and kicked and looked to be on the verge of chewing her leg off.
Sakaki took a step forward and Kaorin cried, "No, go on without me! Save yourself!"
"That is not an option," Sakaki replied quietly. Then in one fluid move, she took a running jump onto Kimura's back, scooped up Kaorin, and ran off-stage.
Kimura got to his feet with a groan then stumbled after them.
Osaka wandered out onto the stage, dressed in an elaborate fairy costume. She held a staff with what appeared to be a hockey puck taped to it.
OSAKA (PUCK)
Double, double, toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
If you prick us, do we not bleed?
If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead!
Out, damned spot!
Chiyo ran out onto the stage and shoved a script into Osaka's hands.
Osaka looked down at Chiyo with a disapproving expression. "Et tu, Brute?"
Chiyo didn't know whether to be impressed or exasperated at Osaka's impression of a schizophrenic Shakespeare.
Improvising quickly once again, Chiyo said, "Oberon, our master, told you to put love potion on the eyes of Demetrius as punishment for his churlish treatment of Helena. I beg you to come with me because I have found that vile Athenian."
Osaka waved her staff grandly and said, "Then lead on, Macduff."
As the two girls were leaving the stage, Osaka leaned over and whispered, "The expression is actually, 'Lay on, Macduff,' but that wouldn't make any sense in this context."
"What is this 'sense' you speak of?" Chiyo replied wryly.
Yomi and Tomo ran past them into the fake forest.
Tomo was wheezing heavily as she gasped, "You're killing me here, Yomi."
Yomi yelled, "Maybe you shouldn't have been chasing me while we were backstage then!"
Tomo took another leap at the other girl. Yomi ducked then dashed away.
Helena aka Tomo turned to face the audience with a depressed look.
TOMO
Look at her run away to Sakaki, Hermia, whatever.
What does she have that I don't? Besides 8 centimeters on me.
I guess compared to her I'm an ugly duckling.
I'd run away from me too if I was Demetrius.
(Tomo sighs)
Hey, wait. What's this? Lysander on the ground...
"...or not," Tomo finished. She looked around in confusion. "Am I in the wrong scene?"
Sakaki came running on, still holding Kaorin in her arms. "Kimura's after us. Chiyo-chan says to adapt as best we can."
Tomo doesn't seem to be paying attention to Sakaki's words. "Oh ho, Lysand-man! How can you betray your friend Demetrius like this? Running off with his girl. Haven't you heard of the guy code?"
"Uh... I'm Hermia. Kaorin's Lysander," Sakaki replied.
"Enough! I will not hear your lies! I challenge you to a duel for my beloved's honor!" Tomo cried.
"I accept," Sakaki replied as she set a disappointed Kaorin down.
There was an awkward pause before an exasperated sigh could be heard from backstage and two plastic swords were thrown out.
Tomo picks up hers and waved it experimentally. Then an evil smile appeared on her face. "En garde!"
But before she could take a step, Kaorin jumped onto her back and yelled, "I'll protect you, Miss Sakaki!"
Tomo managed to pry the girl off, but with her center of gravity already thrown off, she tripped and fell off the stage.
There was a clattering sound by the steps then Yomi's voice could be heard from the area below the stage. "Are you okay, Tomo?"
"I just fell off the freaking stage! What kind of question is that?"
Kaorin dizzily got to her feet and was about to go apologize to Tomo when she was grabbed by two arms.
"I was wondering where you got off to," Kimura said, smiling at her.
"Somebody save me!" Kaorin shouted.
Osaka came rushing onto the stage, screaming, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
Then with a mighty wave of her staff, she clonked her Classics teacher on the head. He dropped like a sack of potatoes.
There was a stunned silence.
Yomi stumbled onto the stage with Tomo leaning on her. The bespectacled girl stared at the scene in disbelief then said, "Osaka, you're not even doing Shakespeare anymore!"
Tomo weakly tugged on Yomi's sleeve. "Osaka's armed, dangerous, and apparently a wizard. Do you really want to complain?"
Osaka smoothed out the wrinkles on her costume. Then she said, "I've been looking all over for you. Come here so I can curse you."
The other actors collectively shrugged.
Osaka took on an ominous tone. "In the name of the dark forces of evil, I command you to hell, you mother-"
"OSAKA!" the other girls screamed.
'"Not that kind of cursing," Yomi said.
Chiyo's voice rang out again, obviously going for damage control. "So Puck curses Lysander and Demetrius to fall in love with Helena, sundering the bonds of love between Lysander and Hermia."
Tomo turned to Yomi with a grin. "Well, well, well. How the tables have turned. Pucker up, sweetheart."
Yomi pushed Tomo's face away and groaned, "No grade is worth this."
Tomo shrugged. "There's always Sakaki. Hey, you free Friday night?"
Kaorin made a gargled sound.
"Hey, I thought you loved me!" Yomi exclaimed.
"I thought you wanted to get rid of me," Tomo replied.
Yomi yelled, "I do! It's the principle of the matter!"
Kagura yelled from backstage, "The subtext is beating me over the head here, guys!"
Somehow, some way, the play was put back on track before the next Act began and the cast members rotated again. The beleaguered girls of Act 2 gathered into the backroom and collapsed on the couches.
"That was rather fun," Osaka commented.
"I barely got to say my lines!" Kagura complained.
Chiyo gestured angrily about her night, having lost her voice from too much shouting.
"I must not be enough of a pessimist," Yomi muttered. "Because this was far worse than I ever dreamed."
"Oh please. The audience loved it!" Tomo replied. "But yeah, things didn't go too well for you, Yomi. Don't worry though, I won't tell anyone you're a lesbian."
"Tha... WHAT!"
Tomo continued on, oblivious to her friend's reddening face, "I mean, I was just acting, but the way you worried about me when I got hurt then got all jealous later reveals the truth about your unnatural urges. Fear not, Yomi, I will not think less of you..."
"Die," Yomi snarled, her hands clenching convulsively. "No, hurt, break, suffer, agonize, then die."
"I'm not into S&M either," Tomo replied before she ducked out the door.
With a crazed roar, Yomi leaped out after her.
After a short silence, Osaka asked, "Do you think Kimura-sensei will give us extra credit for how we kept the play going despite everything?"
"It depends on how much he remembers when he wakes up," Kagura replied dryly.
AN: This story may not be as in tune with the spirit of Azumanga Daioh as the first one, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone, so for better or worse, here it is. I'm rather proud of it though, but I can see how it can be a little confusing to the average reader. The next chapter should return us to more Azu-like wackiness.