Holiday- An Instant Star Christmas Story
Chapter 4- Trouble Me
Author's Note: Okay... I just looked at the calendar. Less than two weeks to go until Christmas. I just hope this story gets there "on time"! Seriously, next year I start my "fanfic" shopping in July...
Chapter 4- Trouble Me
"I thought you were a dream." he repeated in disbelief.
"Oh? Do you dream about me, Quincy?" Jude teased him.
"Yeah" he replied. "More than you know" he thought.
"Seriously. You look awful." she replied, noting the deathly gray pallor of his skin and darkly shadowed eyes. "Didn't you sleep?"
"No. Not really. I guess I don't sleep well without you."
"Sweet"
"How did you get in here, anyway?"
"You gave me the keys before we left. Don't you remember?"
"Of course" How much he had wanted her to have them.
"I mean, why did you come?"
"I don't know. I guess I was worried. You never called me last night. You didn't answer your phone when I called you."
"I didn't hear it." he replied honestly.
"That's it. You never do that."
"I guess I was tired."
"Yeah. But you never sleep that soundly." she answered him, recalling how, on tour, the slightest noise woke him.
"You're right." he confessed.
"Something's wrong, isn't it? Really wrong?" she guessed, perceptively.
"Yes"
"Tell me" she said, gently.
"No" he responded.
"No?"
"I'll show you."
Tommy rose from the bed and tugged at Jude's wrist until she stood next to him. Then he took her hand and led her to the living room, where he played the tape.
"What the..." Jude gasped.
"That was my reaction too. Only stronger. With a few four letter words thrown in!" Tommy blurted out, before abruptly lapsing into silence.
Jude looked at his anguished face.
"Tell me what you're thinking" she urged, with her voice and her compassionate eyes.
"Let's just sit down."
Tommy situated himself on the leather couch as Jude curled up besides him. Automatically, his arm slipped around her shoulders and she looked right at him, as he began to speak.
"Jude, I really don't know what to think. You know who he is. What he did. Everything. After the accident, I never wanted to hear from him again. I froze him out. It was the only way I could deal. He killed her! He hurt me! Again and again!"
She just nodded, encouraging him to continue.
"Finally, I walked away. He swore I'd come back. "Crawl back!". I didn't. Never would. But now, suddenly, he's the one "crawling". Why? It's messed up!"
"So, you still don't want to talk to him?"
"No. Not really. What good would it do? He can't change anything! I swore I'd never let him hurt me again!"
"But it's not that simple. Is it?" she asked gently.
A soft smile appeared on Tommy's tense face.
"What?" Jude questioned.
"You. You really are amazing. You always know. You understand me better than I understand myself."
"I guess I do." Jude returned his smile. "So? Go on."
"Much as I don't want to deal with him at all, part of me has this repulsive curiosity. A need to find out. What does he want to talk about? Now?" Tommy wondered.
"I don't know. But what about you? Do you have anything you need to say to him?" she replied delicately.
"I don't know!" Tommy cried out, in obvious agony.
"Do you want to hear what I'm thinking now?' she asked quietly.
"Yes"
"I know he hurt you. Terribly. More than I can ever imagine. I know you don't feel like you can forgive or even look at him again. And I'm not gonna tell you you should." Jude began.
Tommy nodded, completely agreeing.
"But I do know that you've been carrying a lot of pain around because of him. You need to find a way to let some of it go. It's messing you up inside."
She paused, allowing her words to slowly sink in.
" I know you, Tommy Quincy. You don't like to admit when stuff bothers you. You just ignore it. Try not to feel it. But you do feel it; it still bothers you. He's still hurting you. And ignoring it won't make it stop." she elaborated, taking a deep breath.
"Look at you right now. It's clearly not working this time. And you have to find something that does. A way to make things better for you. You are what matters here." she wisely concluded.
She focused her eyes on him, trying to gauge his reaction. Jude knew her words were risky; perhaps she had gone too far. How would he react? Would he hate her?
He remained silent for several long minutes, absorbing all she said. He then met her worried gaze and quickly spoke, wanting to assuage her fear.
"I love you." he assured her.
"For never hesitating to tell me the real truth. For saying exactly what you think, exactly what you know I need to hear. Even if I don't like it. You do know me better than anyone. You make me face things, confront stuff. And you may be right. I may need to speak to him, someday. For my own sake. I just don't know yet if now is that time. I'm afraid..."
She waited patiently, knowing he needed time.
"I'm afraid I'm going to turn out like him..."
"Tommy, no."
"Who's to say I won't? I get angry, too... When I heard his voice before... I felt crazy...Violent. Just like him."
"No. That's completely different. He provokes you. Understandably."
"I know that, logically. But I can't help myself..."
"He causes you to be irrational. But that's all it is.."
"Maybe...But I'm terrified of how he makes me feel. That's a big reason why I don't think I can see him." Tommy confessed.
"Except maybe that's exactly why you need to."
"To face my fear? To prove to myself I'm different?"
"Yeah... And I already know that you are . You could never hurt anyone like he did." she stated with complete certainty.
"I just don't know what to do. I gotta think about a lot of stuff, Jude."
"I know that. And I'm here if you need me. I want to help, if I can."
"You can. You do. Just having you in my life..." his words trailed off as his lips lightly brushed her own.
"I think I'd better try to get some sleep right now." he said.
"Me too. I got up too early today!"
"You up early? You must really love me, then."
"I really do."
"Good. Then you'll stay here with me? I just need to be close to you right now."
"How can I resist that?" Jude smiled.
"You can't" he replied arrogantly, sounding and feeling a little more like himself.
She changed quickly into another one of his shirts and curled up in his arms. Thus comforted, sleep finally came easily to them both.