Chapter 8
Issei woke abruptly, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. The sheets were sticky and his body was throbbing with the aftermath of the dream, but not all his shaking was from residual pleasure.
What the hell was that? he wondered, struggling to get his heart rate and breathing back under control. That had been both like, and unlike, the moon dreams he'd had previously.
For one thing, every other time he'd dreamed of his past life, he'd simply been Enju. There had been no sense of him as 'Issei'; yet in this dream, he'd felt more like an observer, watching over their shoulders, than a part of the dream.
For another thing, the dream had been entirely from Shusuran's perspective. He hadn't gotten any sense of what Enju was feeling or thinking, but Shusuran's thoughts had been clear, even though he hadn't felt connected to her in any other way.
Could it have been Sakura's dream, that he'd shared? Granted, he'd shared moon dreams with Jinpachi before, but he'd always been Enju in them. He'd never shared a dream with Jinpachi that didn't involve both Enju and Gyokuran. If he'd shared Sakura's memory of the past, why hadn't he taken Enju's part? It wasn't possible for Shusuran to have a memory of the two of them that Enju didn't share.
So had it only been a dream? If so, the question still remained; had it been his dream, or Sakura's?
There was only one way to find out, loathe as he was to face her right now. Slowly he dragged himself from under the clinging blankets, then gathered them up and tossed them in a bundle in the corner. He'd have to get new linens from the closet. He only had the one pair of pyjamas still, so he was forced to change into his jeans and a t-shirt.
Barefoot, his hair rumpled from tossing and turning, Issei padded out of his room and into the hall, where he paused to listen. He could hear Sakura's father snoring in her parents' room down the hall, occasionally punctuated by the lighter snores of her mother. Sakura herself was a quiet sleeper, albeit a restless one, so it was harder to tell if she was still asleep.
Taking a deep breath, he dropped his shields and reached outwards along the connection he had to her. Immediately he was struck by a staggering sense of mingled shame and desire, a mix of emotions that matched his own fairly well.
Well, whoever's dream it was to start with, obviously we both got to experience it, he concluded, slapping his shields back up hastily. When he was able to focus on the world around him again, he found himself leaning back against the wall, his knees watery and threatening to give way. And I know whose fault that is. Damn my empathy, anyway!
Once his feet were steady under him again, he relaxed his shields just enough to let him locate Sakura by the roil of emotions emanating from her. She was in her room... no, she was just beyond her room. How was that possible?
Then Issei remembered the porch that wrapped around the side of the house. It wasn't really visible from the front, and he'd only been in the back yard a handful of times in the few weeks he'd been living there, so he kept forgetting about it. Now that he thought about it, her room had large french windows that could probably do double duty as doors onto the porch.
Instead of knocking on her door, he went around to the back door, shivering as he stepped outside. There was frost rimming the grass, limning each blade in white and creating a surreal effect in the moonlight. The boards of the porch were freezing beneath his feet. There were no clouds in the sky, and despite the interference of light from Tokyo, the stars were bright and plentiful.
At least, plentiful compared to what they normally look like from here, he thought with a sad smile as he moved towards the corner of the house. Compared to what you could see from the moon base, this is pathetic.
He turned the corner and froze, eyes wide. For a wild moment he thought Enju was standing in front of him, hands on the railing as she looked up at the full moon and the stars beyond. Then reality reasserted itself, and he realized it was Sakura, her long hair bleached to colourlessness by the moonlight, her face partly hidden by the way she was angled away from him.
Still, it was an eerie reproduction of the dream they'd just shared. Sakura was standing in a pose almost identical to the one in which Shusuran had found Enju. Issei felt his heart turn over as he saw the glitter of tear tracks shining on her face. She'd been crying, or was still crying softly, it was hard to tell.
He wasn't sure if she'd seen him yet, but he didn't think so. He stood there for a long moment, his breath clouding before him, feet aching from the cold, as he tried to decide what to do. How did you ask your best friend if she'd been dreaming about your past incarnations sleeping together? It had been awkward enough discussing it with Jinpachi after they'd first dreamed of Enju and Gyokuran together, and at least they'd already both been aware that they were sharing the dreams.
"Shusuran," he said softly, to get her attention. Then he cursed himself; that wasn't the name he'd meant to use. There was a part of him still caught up in the dream, still reacting as Enju and not Issei, and that was going to complicate this discussion considerably.
She spun, on hand on her heart, her eyes wide. Quickly she ran a hand over her face to brush the tears away, and gave him an unconvincing smile. "Issei! You startled me! What are you doing up so late? And why are you out here in your bare feet, it's freezing!"
"You're not any better dressed than I am," he said softly, nodding at her thin silk pyjamas and the equally thin robe she'd tossed on over it. She at least was wearing slippers, however. Still, she didn't look any warmer than he felt.
"Oh, I... had a dream that woke me up, and I needed some air," she said, a dark blush staining her cheeks as she turned hastily away from him again. "I didn't wake you, did I? Don't worry about me, I'm..."
"Sakura." Just the one word, but it stopped her half-hysterical babbling. That sort of run-on speech was uncharacteristic for her, and showed just how rattled she'd been by the dream. He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair, grimacing at the feel of frozen sweat. How was he going to handle this?
"You dreamed it too, didn't you?" she asked, her voice flat and a little hopeless, beating him to the punch. He blinked at her; he hadn't expected her to ask that. She turned enough to give him a wary smile. "I was afraid you might have. You've mentioned that you'd shared dreams with Jinpachi before, and with you being right in the other room..." she shrugged. "I'm sorry. That must have been very uncomfortable for you."
"So it was your dream, then?" he asked, moving forward to stand at the railing beside her. He was careful to give her the space she seemed to need, staying far enough away not to brush against her, and looking out at the stars instead of at her. "I wasn't sure if it was mine and I'd forced it on you, or if I was just picking up on your dream."
"No, it was mine," she admitted softly. "I'm sure of it."
There was silence between them for a moment as he tried to figure out what to say to that. Finally he asked, "Was it a memory? Or only a dream? I couldn't tell..."
"It was just a dream," she assured him quickly, still not looking at him. He could sense her embarrassment, and the frustrated desire she always radiated around him, though it was stronger than usual at the moment. Unsurprising, considering the nature of the dream they'd just shared.
"I've... I've had them before," she added, her embarrassment increasing. He projected back a quiet sense of support, wordlessly reassuring her that he wasn't upset with her, and her voice gained a little strength. "They always involve Shusuran convincing Enju to go with her, and it's always the 'first time', even though it's different circumstances. And Enju is often a little out of character. I think it's just a result of Shusuran's wishful thinking."
That surprised him; if anything he'd have thought it was an odd projection of her desire for him onto their past personae. "Shusuran was in love with Enju? Really?" he blurted out, eyes wide.
She turned and gave him a very wry look. "For an empath, you're remarkably unobservant sometimes, Issei. It's a trait you share with Enju."
Now it was his turn to blush and look away. "I knew about... your feelings for me," he said, daring to break their mutual silence on the subject for the first time. "I don't think Enju ever suspected Shusuran's feelings, though. She hid them well."
"Something I dearly wish I could learn to do," Sakura sighed, leaning against the rail again. "I'm sorry, Issei. I don't mean to put you through this. I know it must be hard on you, but I can't seem to help myself."
"Love never happens where it's convenient," Issei replied softly. "I know that better than anyone."
They were both quiet again, each thinking about that in their own way. Issei's thoughts turned to the 'revelation' he'd had in the club a few weeks prior, about his reaction to Sakura's desire for him. When he'd woken alone in his room the next morning, sober, he'd been heartily grateful he hadn't said anything to her at the time. While he hadn't exactly been drunk, his thought processes that night had been somewhat lacking in his usual inhibitions.
He'd brushed the whole thing off as a bad idea, not wanting to hurt Sakura by pretending or fooling her in some way. He'd often caught himself giving her thoughtful glances across the classroom or dinner table, however, wondering to himself if it really would have worked.
In the dream, Enju had basically done exactly what Issei had been contemplating; she'd used Shusuran's desire for her to stimulate her own. Sakura's dream or not, Issei was fairly certain that bit had been his own contribution. It wasn't the sort of possibility that generally occurred to a non-empath.
Yet, in the dream, Shusuran had been aware of what Enju was doing, and hadn't been put off or hurt by the thought. Was that a reflection of Sakura's likely reaction? Was it possible to try the experiment after all, without hurting his friend?
Was he denying them both a chance at happiness out of his own fear of losing a good friend?
"Issei? What are you thinking?" Sakura's voice was hesitant, as if she wasn't certain she wanted to know the answer. "You have the oddest look on your face."
He turned and, without warning, pulled her into his arms. She resisted the movement, looking a little panicked. "Issei, please don't, not right now," she protested, her eyes wide and shimmering with barely suppressed tears. "I can't..."
"What if I said I thought I might be able to make myself return your feelings?" Issei interrupted her, looking down into her bright eyes. The moonlight struck a halo off her hair, a sort of reflective glow that heightened the smoothness of her skin and the beauty of her features.
"That's not funny," she said flatly, her brows drawing together. "Not at all. You can't force yourself to love with someone, you should know that better than I do."
"I don't have to force myself to love you," he replied, his eyes not wavering from hers. "I already do, you know that. What's missing is the sexual element of the relationship. Even though I can freely admit that you're beautiful, I've never desired you."
She blushed at the compliment, but didn't look any happier at his words. "And you can't force that any more than you can force love!" she retorted, placing her hands flat on his shoulders and shoving. He locked his arms around her, refusing to release her. "Issei, let me go! Please?"
In answer he bent his head and captured her lips, deliberately dropping his shields at the same moment. He was flooded with a sense of panic and denial as she struggled against him, entwined with a rising sense of helpless desire. In moments she had stopped fighting and was responding to the kiss, her hands clutching at his shirt instead of trying to push him away as her mouth opened beneath his.
And as he absorbed her desire his own body reacted, and he deepened the kiss. It felt a little odd, like the emotion didn't quite fit him properly, but his body responded nonetheless. And as her ardour increased, so too did his, in a perfect mirror of her feelings.
They were both panting when they broke apart, and he opened his eyes to see that Sakura's were still closed, various emotions flitting across her expressive features as she tried to calm herself.
Finally she opened her eyes and looked back at him. "What did you do?" she asked, worrying at her bottom lip with her teeth. Still caught by her feelings, Issei had to suppress the urge to sooth the tiny hurt with his own tongue.
Instead he swallowed, and smiled at her. "The same thing Enju did in the dream," he told her, his voice just a little husky. She shivered in his arms, and he knew it wasn't from cold. "I used your feelings to encourage mine. I first realized I could do it when we were dancing at the club," he added in explanation. "I never said anything because I didn't want to hurt you or make you think I was using you as a substitute."
"It... it won't work, Issei," she said, but he could feel her desperate hope, deep inside her heart. She wanted it to work, even more than he did. She wanted to believe she could have what she'd always wanted. And, if these feelings of her extended into their past lives and weren't just a single-lifetime crush, as he'd first assumed, then she'd been waiting a very long time for him to want her back, just as he'd waited for Jinpachi.
"It wouldn't be real," she continued, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "I don't want you to fake emotion just to make me happy, I want you to be happy, too!"
He raised his hands from her waist to her cheeks, and used his thumbs to gently brush the tears away. She closed her eyes and drew in a shuddering sigh at the light touch, swaying slightly towards him.
"But I would be happy," he told her. "If I can't have Jinpachi - which has been proven beyond a doubt at this point - I can't think of anyone I'd rather be with than you. I wouldn't be 'faking' the emotions, anymore than you are. Besides," he tilted her face up and kissed her gently again. "I think I might learn to desire you for myself, given enough time. My problem has always been that I've never been able to see past Jinpachi to want anyone else; anymore than Enju could see past Gyokuran. This might be exactly what I need to do to break that destructive loop."
She was considering it, he could tell, and he held his breath while she thought. His eyes were pinned hopefully on her face, watching her expression for a sign that she'd decided to try it.
"I don't want to break my heart over you, but I'm going to do that anyway," she finally said slowly, her eyes lowered so he couldn't read them. It didn't stop him from sensing her emotions, however; resignation, frustration, and a growing hope. "I know this is a bad idea. A really bad idea. I can't help feeling like we're both going to be hurt by this."
Her breath caught on a sob, and she looked up at him with glittering eyes. "But, damn it, I want this chance," she whispered, and leaned up to kiss him again, pouring all her frustrated passion into the embrace. It took him a moment to respond, but then he was returning the kiss with equal enthusiasm, pulling her closer still as they kissed.
Maybe she was right, and this was a bad idea. But damn it, wasn't it about time the two of them had some happiness in their lives? Sarjareem, if you have any sense of fairness, let this work! he prayed desperately. Please, let this work. I don't want to hurt her, and I think my heart might shatter almost as badly as hers if this goes wrong.
There was no answer from their deity, only the soft light of the moon falling upon them as they broke apart again. Somewhere up there was the crater that was all that remained of the base after they'd blown it up. He almost felt like he could feel Enju and Shusuran's spirits, looking down on them from the conservatory that no longer existed, hands locked together as they prayed for the happiness of the humans they had been reborn as.
"Let's go inside," Sakura said, sighing softly, laying her head on his shoulder. "And back to our own beds. I don't want to push things too far, too fast."
"I agree," he said, though he rested his chin on her hair rather than moving towards the door. "I think we're going to have to take things very slowly, to let me keep my equilibrium," he added thoughtfully. "It's probably for the best anyway."
She nodded, then pulled away from him and turned towards her room. "Issei... I love you," she said as she reached the window and turned back to him.
He smiled back at her, suddenly not feeling the cold at all. He was too warm from the emotions within him, his and hers both. "I love you too, Sakura," he replied. "Sleep well." She nodded and vanished inside her room, and he turned and headed back towards the door, feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time.
Issei woke abruptly, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. The sheets were sticky and his body was throbbing with the aftermath of the dream, but not all his shaking was from residual pleasure.
What the hell was that? he wondered, struggling to get his heart rate and breathing back under control. That had been both like, and unlike, the moon dreams he'd had previously.
For one thing, every other time he'd dreamed of his past life, he'd simply been Enju. There had been no sense of him as 'Issei'; yet in this dream, he'd felt more like an observer, watching over their shoulders, than a part of the dream.
For another thing, the dream had been entirely from Shusuran's perspective. He hadn't gotten any sense of what Enju was feeling or thinking, but Shusuran's thoughts had been clear, even though he hadn't felt connected to her in any other way.
Could it have been Sakura's dream, that he'd shared? Granted, he'd shared moon dreams with Jinpachi before, but he'd always been Enju in them. He'd never shared a dream with Jinpachi that didn't involve both Enju and Gyokuran. If he'd shared Sakura's memory of the past, why hadn't he taken Enju's part? It wasn't possible for Shusuran to have a memory of the two of them that Enju didn't share.
So had it only been a dream? If so, the question still remained; had it been his dream, or Sakura's?
There was only one way to find out, loathe as he was to face her right now. Slowly he dragged himself from under the clinging blankets, then gathered them up and tossed them in a bundle in the corner. He'd have to get new linens from the closet. He only had the one pair of pyjamas still, so he was forced to change into his jeans and a t-shirt.
Barefoot, his hair rumpled from tossing and turning, Issei padded out of his room and into the hall, where he paused to listen. He could hear Sakura's father snoring in her parents' room down the hall, occasionally punctuated by the lighter snores of her mother. Sakura herself was a quiet sleeper, albeit a restless one, so it was harder to tell if she was still asleep.
Taking a deep breath, he dropped his shields and reached outwards along the connection he had to her. Immediately he was struck by a staggering sense of mingled shame and desire, a mix of emotions that matched his own fairly well.
Well, whoever's dream it was to start with, obviously we both got to experience it, he concluded, slapping his shields back up hastily. When he was able to focus on the world around him again, he found himself leaning back against the wall, his knees watery and threatening to give way. And I know whose fault that is. Damn my empathy, anyway!
Once his feet were steady under him again, he relaxed his shields just enough to let him locate Sakura by the roil of emotions emanating from her. She was in her room... no, she was just beyond her room. How was that possible?
Then Issei remembered the porch that wrapped around the side of the house. It wasn't really visible from the front, and he'd only been in the back yard a handful of times in the few weeks he'd been living there, so he kept forgetting about it. Now that he thought about it, her room had large french windows that could probably do double duty as doors onto the porch.
Instead of knocking on her door, he went around to the back door, shivering as he stepped outside. There was frost rimming the grass, limning each blade in white and creating a surreal effect in the moonlight. The boards of the porch were freezing beneath his feet. There were no clouds in the sky, and despite the interference of light from Tokyo, the stars were bright and plentiful.
At least, plentiful compared to what they normally look like from here, he thought with a sad smile as he moved towards the corner of the house. Compared to what you could see from the moon base, this is pathetic.
He turned the corner and froze, eyes wide. For a wild moment he thought Enju was standing in front of him, hands on the railing as she looked up at the full moon and the stars beyond. Then reality reasserted itself, and he realized it was Sakura, her long hair bleached to colourlessness by the moonlight, her face partly hidden by the way she was angled away from him.
Still, it was an eerie reproduction of the dream they'd just shared. Sakura was standing in a pose almost identical to the one in which Shusuran had found Enju. Issei felt his heart turn over as he saw the glitter of tear tracks shining on her face. She'd been crying, or was still crying softly, it was hard to tell.
He wasn't sure if she'd seen him yet, but he didn't think so. He stood there for a long moment, his breath clouding before him, feet aching from the cold, as he tried to decide what to do. How did you ask your best friend if she'd been dreaming about your past incarnations sleeping together? It had been awkward enough discussing it with Jinpachi after they'd first dreamed of Enju and Gyokuran together, and at least they'd already both been aware that they were sharing the dreams.
"Shusuran," he said softly, to get her attention. Then he cursed himself; that wasn't the name he'd meant to use. There was a part of him still caught up in the dream, still reacting as Enju and not Issei, and that was going to complicate this discussion considerably.
She spun, on hand on her heart, her eyes wide. Quickly she ran a hand over her face to brush the tears away, and gave him an unconvincing smile. "Issei! You startled me! What are you doing up so late? And why are you out here in your bare feet, it's freezing!"
"You're not any better dressed than I am," he said softly, nodding at her thin silk pyjamas and the equally thin robe she'd tossed on over it. She at least was wearing slippers, however. Still, she didn't look any warmer than he felt.
"Oh, I... had a dream that woke me up, and I needed some air," she said, a dark blush staining her cheeks as she turned hastily away from him again. "I didn't wake you, did I? Don't worry about me, I'm..."
"Sakura." Just the one word, but it stopped her half-hysterical babbling. That sort of run-on speech was uncharacteristic for her, and showed just how rattled she'd been by the dream. He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair, grimacing at the feel of frozen sweat. How was he going to handle this?
"You dreamed it too, didn't you?" she asked, her voice flat and a little hopeless, beating him to the punch. He blinked at her; he hadn't expected her to ask that. She turned enough to give him a wary smile. "I was afraid you might have. You've mentioned that you'd shared dreams with Jinpachi before, and with you being right in the other room..." she shrugged. "I'm sorry. That must have been very uncomfortable for you."
"So it was your dream, then?" he asked, moving forward to stand at the railing beside her. He was careful to give her the space she seemed to need, staying far enough away not to brush against her, and looking out at the stars instead of at her. "I wasn't sure if it was mine and I'd forced it on you, or if I was just picking up on your dream."
"No, it was mine," she admitted softly. "I'm sure of it."
There was silence between them for a moment as he tried to figure out what to say to that. Finally he asked, "Was it a memory? Or only a dream? I couldn't tell..."
"It was just a dream," she assured him quickly, still not looking at him. He could sense her embarrassment, and the frustrated desire she always radiated around him, though it was stronger than usual at the moment. Unsurprising, considering the nature of the dream they'd just shared.
"I've... I've had them before," she added, her embarrassment increasing. He projected back a quiet sense of support, wordlessly reassuring her that he wasn't upset with her, and her voice gained a little strength. "They always involve Shusuran convincing Enju to go with her, and it's always the 'first time', even though it's different circumstances. And Enju is often a little out of character. I think it's just a result of Shusuran's wishful thinking."
That surprised him; if anything he'd have thought it was an odd projection of her desire for him onto their past personae. "Shusuran was in love with Enju? Really?" he blurted out, eyes wide.
She turned and gave him a very wry look. "For an empath, you're remarkably unobservant sometimes, Issei. It's a trait you share with Enju."
Now it was his turn to blush and look away. "I knew about... your feelings for me," he said, daring to break their mutual silence on the subject for the first time. "I don't think Enju ever suspected Shusuran's feelings, though. She hid them well."
"Something I dearly wish I could learn to do," Sakura sighed, leaning against the rail again. "I'm sorry, Issei. I don't mean to put you through this. I know it must be hard on you, but I can't seem to help myself."
"Love never happens where it's convenient," Issei replied softly. "I know that better than anyone."
They were both quiet again, each thinking about that in their own way. Issei's thoughts turned to the 'revelation' he'd had in the club a few weeks prior, about his reaction to Sakura's desire for him. When he'd woken alone in his room the next morning, sober, he'd been heartily grateful he hadn't said anything to her at the time. While he hadn't exactly been drunk, his thought processes that night had been somewhat lacking in his usual inhibitions.
He'd brushed the whole thing off as a bad idea, not wanting to hurt Sakura by pretending or fooling her in some way. He'd often caught himself giving her thoughtful glances across the classroom or dinner table, however, wondering to himself if it really would have worked.
In the dream, Enju had basically done exactly what Issei had been contemplating; she'd used Shusuran's desire for her to stimulate her own. Sakura's dream or not, Issei was fairly certain that bit had been his own contribution. It wasn't the sort of possibility that generally occurred to a non-empath.
Yet, in the dream, Shusuran had been aware of what Enju was doing, and hadn't been put off or hurt by the thought. Was that a reflection of Sakura's likely reaction? Was it possible to try the experiment after all, without hurting his friend?
Was he denying them both a chance at happiness out of his own fear of losing a good friend?
"Issei? What are you thinking?" Sakura's voice was hesitant, as if she wasn't certain she wanted to know the answer. "You have the oddest look on your face."
He turned and, without warning, pulled her into his arms. She resisted the movement, looking a little panicked. "Issei, please don't, not right now," she protested, her eyes wide and shimmering with barely suppressed tears. "I can't..."
"What if I said I thought I might be able to make myself return your feelings?" Issei interrupted her, looking down into her bright eyes. The moonlight struck a halo off her hair, a sort of reflective glow that heightened the smoothness of her skin and the beauty of her features.
"That's not funny," she said flatly, her brows drawing together. "Not at all. You can't force yourself to love with someone, you should know that better than I do."
"I don't have to force myself to love you," he replied, his eyes not wavering from hers. "I already do, you know that. What's missing is the sexual element of the relationship. Even though I can freely admit that you're beautiful, I've never desired you."
She blushed at the compliment, but didn't look any happier at his words. "And you can't force that any more than you can force love!" she retorted, placing her hands flat on his shoulders and shoving. He locked his arms around her, refusing to release her. "Issei, let me go! Please?"
In answer he bent his head and captured her lips, deliberately dropping his shields at the same moment. He was flooded with a sense of panic and denial as she struggled against him, entwined with a rising sense of helpless desire. In moments she had stopped fighting and was responding to the kiss, her hands clutching at his shirt instead of trying to push him away as her mouth opened beneath his.
And as he absorbed her desire his own body reacted, and he deepened the kiss. It felt a little odd, like the emotion didn't quite fit him properly, but his body responded nonetheless. And as her ardour increased, so too did his, in a perfect mirror of her feelings.
They were both panting when they broke apart, and he opened his eyes to see that Sakura's were still closed, various emotions flitting across her expressive features as she tried to calm herself.
Finally she opened her eyes and looked back at him. "What did you do?" she asked, worrying at her bottom lip with her teeth. Still caught by her feelings, Issei had to suppress the urge to sooth the tiny hurt with his own tongue.
Instead he swallowed, and smiled at her. "The same thing Enju did in the dream," he told her, his voice just a little husky. She shivered in his arms, and he knew it wasn't from cold. "I used your feelings to encourage mine. I first realized I could do it when we were dancing at the club," he added in explanation. "I never said anything because I didn't want to hurt you or make you think I was using you as a substitute."
"It... it won't work, Issei," she said, but he could feel her desperate hope, deep inside her heart. She wanted it to work, even more than he did. She wanted to believe she could have what she'd always wanted. And, if these feelings of her extended into their past lives and weren't just a single-lifetime crush, as he'd first assumed, then she'd been waiting a very long time for him to want her back, just as he'd waited for Jinpachi.
"It wouldn't be real," she continued, tears welling up in the corners of her eyes. "I don't want you to fake emotion just to make me happy, I want you to be happy, too!"
He raised his hands from her waist to her cheeks, and used his thumbs to gently brush the tears away. She closed her eyes and drew in a shuddering sigh at the light touch, swaying slightly towards him.
"But I would be happy," he told her. "If I can't have Jinpachi - which has been proven beyond a doubt at this point - I can't think of anyone I'd rather be with than you. I wouldn't be 'faking' the emotions, anymore than you are. Besides," he tilted her face up and kissed her gently again. "I think I might learn to desire you for myself, given enough time. My problem has always been that I've never been able to see past Jinpachi to want anyone else; anymore than Enju could see past Gyokuran. This might be exactly what I need to do to break that destructive loop."
She was considering it, he could tell, and he held his breath while she thought. His eyes were pinned hopefully on her face, watching her expression for a sign that she'd decided to try it.
"I don't want to break my heart over you, but I'm going to do that anyway," she finally said slowly, her eyes lowered so he couldn't read them. It didn't stop him from sensing her emotions, however; resignation, frustration, and a growing hope. "I know this is a bad idea. A really bad idea. I can't help feeling like we're both going to be hurt by this."
Her breath caught on a sob, and she looked up at him with glittering eyes. "But, damn it, I want this chance," she whispered, and leaned up to kiss him again, pouring all her frustrated passion into the embrace. It took him a moment to respond, but then he was returning the kiss with equal enthusiasm, pulling her closer still as they kissed.
Maybe she was right, and this was a bad idea. But damn it, wasn't it about time the two of them had some happiness in their lives? Sarjareem, if you have any sense of fairness, let this work! he prayed desperately. Please, let this work. I don't want to hurt her, and I think my heart might shatter almost as badly as hers if this goes wrong.
There was no answer from their deity, only the soft light of the moon falling upon them as they broke apart again. Somewhere up there was the crater that was all that remained of the base after they'd blown it up. He almost felt like he could feel Enju and Shusuran's spirits, looking down on them from the conservatory that no longer existed, hands locked together as they prayed for the happiness of the humans they had been reborn as.
"Let's go inside," Sakura said, sighing softly, laying her head on his shoulder. "And back to our own beds. I don't want to push things too far, too fast."
"I agree," he said, though he rested his chin on her hair rather than moving towards the door. "I think we're going to have to take things very slowly, to let me keep my equilibrium," he added thoughtfully. "It's probably for the best anyway."
She nodded, then pulled away from him and turned towards her room. "Issei... I love you," she said as she reached the window and turned back to him.
He smiled back at her, suddenly not feeling the cold at all. He was too warm from the emotions within him, his and hers both. "I love you too, Sakura," he replied. "Sleep well." She nodded and vanished inside her room, and he turned and headed back towards the door, feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time.