Holiday- An Instant Star Christmas Story
Chapter 7- Catharsis
Tommy and Jude then stopped for an early dinner at their favorite Mexican restaurant. Several plates of nachos, quesadillas, chimichangas, rice and beans later, he drove her home.
"So, I'll see you here tomorrow night?" she asked.
"Yeah. What time?"
"Around 6:00 would be good."
"Ok" he agreed.
"You sure you're up to this? I know you're having a hard time right now. You don't have to..."
Tommy pressed his lips on Jude's, silencing her.
"I want to." he replied softly.
"Ok, then" she breathlessly said. "Goodnight"
"Goodnight, sweetheart"
After one more kiss, she slipped out of the car, running inside.
Tommy quickly drove the short distance to his apartment, and entered. It was the night before Christmas eve. He still had some organizing to do. Wisely, he requested that the specialty store wrap Jude's present. However, the others remained for him to take care of. He also needed to sign and attach all the cards.
He reached for the large shopping bag where he stashed all his presents. Removing the first box, he reached for the gift bags and tissue paper purchased earlier. However, he could not focus; the task at hand stymied him. The shinny red bags and sparkly tissue mocked him with their festive glitter and glow; his mood contradicted this. Disgust, rage and confusion prevailed in his head.
As if they burned his fingers, Tommy abruptly dropped the wrapping materials. As he had each night since receiving his father's phone call, he surrendered to his dark thoughts. Seeing Ryan earlier that day made it even worse, reviving even stronger emotions. Once again, the voices played in his head, this time even more vividly.
"Stupid boy. Idiot!"
Slaps and punches, his voice too frightened to scream.
His mother's tears... blood flowing... bruises discoloring skin.
"I hate you! I never want to see you again!" Tommy screamed in his empty apartment.
Trembling, he curled up in a fetal position on the cold floor. This posture was even more reminiscent of Ryan, of a frightened, abused little boy trying to hide.
"It's not his fault. It's mine. I'll never see him again. He hates me..."
"He did something wrong. It's not your fault he hurt you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You may see him again..."
"Who says I want to!" Tommy yelled again.
"He's my boy. Go fly that plane! You can do it!" James Quincy confidently proclaimed.
"I love you, daddy!"
"I love you, too." he answered, hugging Tommy.
"Why? Tell me why?" Tommy wailed.
"He said he loved me, but then he hurt me... He was proud of me, sometimes... I'll never understand... I can't read his mind... If I don't work this out somehow... I'm gonna go insane!"
"He's still hurting you" Jude had told him.
"Damm it!" Tommy cried out, sick of his schizophrenia.
"Am I gonna listen to this crap for the rest of my life... Back and forth... What kind of future will I have if it's always like this... I'm crazy... Just like him... Unless... Jude's right... Unless I find a way to deal... But how?"
This time, the voices in his head helped out, offering a constructive suggestion.
"Sometimes, when I'm sad, I like to sing. It makes me feel better..."
As if his life depended on it, Tommy desperately reached for the notepad on his desk and a pen. Denying himself the comfort of table and chair, he sunk back down to the floor, leaning his back against the couch. Placing the notebook on his lap, he wrote, rewrote and edited. Twilight deepened the outside sky to deep black and then bleached it to greyish blue as morning dawned. A storm clearly was brewing outside. Tommy was oblivious to that, or to anything but the music he so painstakingly created. Clutching his completed song in his hand, he put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket. Running out the door, he drove automatically and without thought back to Jude's house.
He parked once again outside the Harrison residence. Now possessing some awareness of the early hour, he removed his cell phone from his pocket, and pushed some button. His anxiety increased, as the most familiar ringtone sounded again and again.
"Answer me, Jude. Please answer!" he willed the inanimate object.
After what seemed like an endless wait, her voice responded, sleepy and confused.
"Hello?"
"Jude, it's me."
"What's wrong?" she asked, immediately starting to panic.
"I'm sorry. I know I scared you. I'm sorry I woke you. I'm okay. I just need to show you something. Now"
"Where are you?"
"Look out your window"
She parted her curtains and he waved at her, somewhat embarrassed.
"Tommy" she sighed.
"I know. I'm crazy. But I really need you to look at this. I didn't want to wake your mom or Sadie. Can you just come downstairs? Please. It's important."
"Of course" she said, knowing he really needed her.
Wearing his sweatshirt over faded flannel pajamas, she padded down the stairs and opened the front door.
"Tommy, it's barely 6:00. What's going on?' she asked.
He took her hand and led her into the living room. They sat down next to the Christmas tree.
"Will you just sing this for me?" he requested, handing her the crumpled paper.
Jude quickly read the contents.
"No" she answered.
"But..." he began to protest. She cut him off.
"I think you should be the one to sing this."
"I don't know if I can."
"Just here. Right now. With me. Try" she urged.
"Well, ok" and he began.
"In the dark, I try to read his mind"
"But I'm frightened of the things, I might find."
"Oh, there must be something he's thinking of"
"To tear him away, hey, hey"
"But I tell him that I'm falling in love..."
"Why does he say, hey, hey..."
"Hush, hush"
"Keep it down now..."
"Voices carry."
"Hush, hush"
"Keep it down now..."
"Voices carry."
Tommy's voice faltered, but he continued with the next verse.
"I try so hard not to get upset."
"Cause I know all the trouble I'll get."
"Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide,"
"Something to fret, hey, hey."
"And I try so hard to keep it inside"
"So no one can say..."
"Hush, hush"
"Keep it down now."
"Voices carry."
"Hush, hush"
"Keep it down now"
"Voices carry"
Tommy's voice became an anguished wail, as he sang the final chorus.
"He wants me"
"But only part of the time..."
"He wants me..."
"When he can keep me in line..."
"Hush, hush"
"Keep it down now..."
"Voices carry..."
Tommy felt himself crashing, breaking down. He trailed off uncertainly, as tears saturated his eyes, slipping out to soak his face. He sobbed, hysterically, uncontrollably and seemingly endlessly, as he finally released all the pain of a lifetime.
"Why? Why did he have to change? Why made him so angry? What happened? Why did he have to kill her? Why did she have to die? Leaving me all alone!" he ranted.
Jude's arms wrapped around Tommy, her hands stroking his hair and back as she wordlessly offered him all the comfort and love she could. She felt him shaking. She had never seen him like this before. She wondered if anyone ever had.
Tommy eventually stopped crying. Exhausted, he lifted his head from her shoulder. Jude's hands tenderly cupped his red face, as she stared into his bloodshot, swollen eyes. For once, she had no idea what to say to him. But he spoke first.
"I really flipped out on you, huh?"
"It's ok."
"I'm crazy, you know."
"Yes. But not because of this. This is you hurting."
"I never cried before." he confessed.
"Not ever?"
"No. Not like this. And just once at all. Briefly. The morning of my mother's funeral."
"Maybe you needed to" Jude replied.
"Maybe. But I could never allow myself to do it. You know why."
"Yes"
"I really miss her, Jude. She was so special. She encouraged me. Believed in me. Loved me. I never had a chance to tell her how I felt..."
"She knew. She was your mom."
"Maybe she did. Wanna hear something?"
"Yes"
"I just wish she could meet you. Cause you are everything she ever wanted for me."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"I wish I could have known her too. She sounds terrific!"
"She was" Tommy agreed.
Remembering his deep love for one parent only triggered his rage towards the other.
"But my dad... I really hate him!" he proclaimed again, but much more calmly this time. His earlier outburst temporarily neutralized his potent anger.
"He screwed everything up! Why? I need to know why? And I need to tell him how I really feel. Then maybe these voices, these memories will stop haunting me..."
"Does that mean?" Jude began, the obvious question in her clear blue eyes.
"Yeah. I think it does." Tommy answered.
"I'm going to see him. Confront him, confront this. Then maybe I can finally put it to rest."
He held Jude close, as he continued, whispering softly in her ear.
"I'm scared. Scared to be so close to him. But I gotta do this. Cause clearly, if I go on like this, something could happen to me. This anger makes me wacko! I could really go nuts! Just like him! I don't want to be like that! I can't be! Besides, I could end up hurting you, destroying us. I won't let that happen. Not when it took so long for us to finally be together... If confronting him is what I gotta do to prevent it, then that's what's gonna happen. For you, for me and for us."
"Tommy, I just don't know what to say..." Jude replied.
"You? Not know what to say?" he teased her, then his demeanor changed, becoming serious.
"Don't say anything. Just hold me. I love you. I need you. I can't do this without you."
"I'm here. Always. I love you." she assured him.
Time stood still. They just sat in front of the brightly lit Christmas tree, entwined and lost in their embrace.