Chapter 12
The two boys just stood looking at each other for a long moment, while Sakura's mother looked back and forth between them in confusion. "Oh, no," Sakura muttered. "Ogura, now is really not a good time for this... can you please come back later?"
Jinpachi rounded on Sakura, pointing an accusing finger at her. "You told me you didn't know where he was! Has he been here with you the whole time?"
Under other circumstances Issei would have protested being spoken about as if he weren't present, but at the moment he was more than happy to stay quiet and let Sakura handle this. He was shaking again, not just trembling; seeing Jinpachi, his first instinct had been an overwhelming urge to just throw himself into the other boy's arms and huddle there, protected and safe. He'd first met Jinpachi when the other boy had saved him from bullies; ever since then, the redhead had been looking out for Issei.
More than that, he wanted to feel Jinpachi hold him, to wash away the memories of his near-rape. He knew he was dreaming if he thought Jinpachi would do anything other than push him away; his long-time best friend hadn't been comfortable touching him since the day Issei had broken down and kissed him. That didn't stop the desire for it from pushing at him, though.
"I told you he'd contacted me and that he was transferring schools, and that I'd tell him you called the next time I spoke to him," Sakura countered evenly, hands planted on her hips. She stepped in front of Issei, putting herself halfway between him and Jinpachi in what was probably a subconscious protective gesture on her part. "All of which was true."
Jinpachi growled and shook his head, looking past her at Issei. "Look, I'm not leaving until you either talk to me, or physically throw me out. Take your pick."
"Please, Jinpachi, can't it wait until later?" Issei begged, his voice wavering. He was on the edge of breaking down again, and the swirl of anger and hurt feelings the other teen was radiating at him wasn't helping the matter.
"No!" Jinpachi exclaimed. "If I leave, you'll probably be gone by the time I get back. Why is it so difficult for me to just talk to you all of a sudden, Issei? Are we friends or not?"
Issei closed his eyes, and fought for control of his fluctuating emotions. "All right. We'll talk. I'm sorry to be the cause of so much trouble," he added formally to Sakura's mother.
"That's all right, Issei-kun," she said, still sounding faintly confused. "Why don't the three of you use the living room, then? Would any of you like something to eat or drink?"
"We're fine, Mom," Sakura said softly, jerking her chin at the living room doorway. Jinpachi gave her one last hard look, then turned and re-entered the room. Sakura caught Issei's arm before he could follow. "You sure you're up to this?" she asked, her eyes worried.
"I don't think he could possibly have picked a worse moment to show up, but I don't really have much choice, Sakura," he replied wearily. "I'll be fine. It's not like he's going to hurt me." I don't think so, anyway, he added silently to himself. Right now, the way he felt, he wasn't sure he trusted anyone not to hurt him, not even Jinpachi or Sakura.
"You want me in there with you for support?" she asked, and he shook his head silently. "All right. But I'm staying out in the kitchen with Mom, in case you need me, okay?"
"Thank you," he said, then stepped forward and broke free of her hold on him.
Entering the living room, he saw Jinpachi standing near the front window, arms crossed over his chest. He turned at the sound of Issei entering the room, and the empath froze in place, feeling pinned by his friend's gaze.
Jinpachi studied him for a long moment, then his eyes went to the icepack Issei was still holding to his eye. "What happened? Bullies?" he asked, his voice slightly softer than it had been.
"Yes," Issei said shortly. That was a subject he really didn't want to discuss right now. Especially not with Jinpachi. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep from breaking down if he had to think about how close he'd come to being raped, while the person who should have been there to watch his back watched him with unfriendly eyes. "It's not a big deal," he said instead, the lie sticking in his throat and coming out a little hoarse. "What do you want, Jinpachi? Why are you here?"
At his flat, unfriendly tone, the redhead gave him a look that was as much bewilderment as anger. "Why am I here? I'm here looking for you, you idiot! Where the hell have you been? You say you'll see me in school the next day, and then never show up. When I tried to call you, your cell phone was out of service. I called your house three or four times, and either your mother would burst into tears on me, or your father would slam the phone down. Hell, until Sakura told me she'd heard from you, I was starting to think you were dead or something!"
Issei lowered his eyes. Part of him wanted to feel bad for the worry he'd put Jinpachi through. Another part of him was warmed by the knowledge that Jinpachi did still care about him at least that much. But any time he thought about forgiving his friend as his heart urged him to do, the sound of laughter and a dial tone echoed in his ears.
Jinpachi had abandoned him, when he'd needed his friend the most. Not on purpose, no... but he hadn't made any real effort to find out why Issei was calling, only brushed him off. And even now, knowing that Issei had disappeared immediately following that night, it still hadn't occurred to him to wonder if maybe the phone call Issei had made to him, out of the blue and late at night, might have had something to do with the whole mess.
He loved Jinpachi, he really did, and he was starting to think he always would... but the redhead was not particularly good at putting random details together to come up with the whole story.
Issei sighed, and rubbed at the side of his face that wasn't bruised, trying to think past the confused emotions knotted inside him, feeding off Jinpachi's anger and hurt. "Jinpachi... look. I'm sorry I put you through that, all right? My intention wasn't to hurt you. I asked Sakura not to tell you I was there when you called because I... I just couldn't face talking to you right then, all right?"
"Why the hell not?" Jinpachi wanted to know. "Issei, are we friends or not?"
If it had been another time, if Issei hadn't just been dragged through hell and back, if Jinpachi hadn't taken such a defensive tone, if he hadn't been radiating so much anger... if, if, if. As it was, though he knew he'd probably regret it later, Issei couldn't keep himself from lashing back at the other boy.
"We were friends, Jinpachi. We were good friends, once. Then we were not so good friends, and then I don't think we were anything more than people who used to be friends." His grey eyes snapped with anger that was as much his own as reflected from Jinpachi. "When was the last time we went out and did something together? When was the last time one of us stayed over at the other's house? When was the last time we even hung out in between classes, Jinpachi?"
Jinpachi actually took a step back, shocked at the sudden surge of anger from his normally placid friend. "That's as much your fault as mine, Issei! You never made any effort to..."
"Didn't I?" Issei cut him off. "Think long and hard before you make that accusation, Jinpachi. Did I not make any effort to keep our friendship alive? None at all?"
The redhead shifted uncomfortably, unable to meet Issei's eyes. They both knew Issei had tried, in the beginning, to keep things working between them. How could he not have? Jinpachi was his life. And that had been the problem.
As Jinpachi decided to remind him now. "Yeah, well, if you hadn't kissed me in the first place, I wouldn't have been so damned uncomfortable around you!" he burst out, turning back to glare at Issei. "But that doesn't mean I wouldn't get worried about you when you just vanish like that, Issei!"
"It really doesn't matter whose fault it is, Jinpachi. What's done is done." Issei's voice went abruptly from angry to weary. He felt so drained, swinging wildly from one emotion to the next the way he had been since school had ended. He couldn't take much more of this before he snapped completely. "You hurt me too much, too often, and then you finally went too far. I can't take any more, Jinpachi. I just can't."
His friend stared at him for a long moment, and for that moment, Issei felt nothing but shock from him. Then the anger returned, and the hurt, doubled and doubled again. "What the hell did I do?" he shouted. "Just tell me that much, huh? The last time I talked to you, you said you'd see me in school the next day! You didn't seem angry at me then, and if you were angry at me in school earlier that day, you were hiding it damn well!"
"The fact that I even have to tell you what you did wrong just proves my point for me, Jinpachi!" Issei yelled back. "We're not friends anymore, and there's no point in beating a dead horse! Just let it go while we're still on civil terms, at least!"
"What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jinpachi demanded. "Gods, Issei, you think like such a damn girl sometimes!"
The ringing sound of flesh striking flesh hung in the room, and the two boys stared at each other for a moment in silence, chests heaving. It wasn't until Issei saw the red mark spreading over Jinpachi's cheek, and felt the stinging in his hand, that he realized what had just happened. He'd slapped Jinpachi!
The redhead was looking at him in astonishment, one hand raised to touch the red mark on his face. Issei had put enough force behind the blow to make it sting, and sting hard, but with an open-handed slap like that Jinpachi was unlikely to end up with a bruise. Still, the shock of it hung between them, choking them both with its force. Neither of them had ever raised a hand to the other, not even in play.
"Go ahead," Issei growled finally. "Say it. Tell me that was a feminine thing to do. I dare you."
"Issei..." Jinpachi's voice faltered off, like the other boy had no idea what to say. Issei was shaking with reaction again, and he knew he needed to get out of there quickly, before he broke down entirely.
"It's over, Jinpachi. Ogura," he corrected himself deliberately, and Jinpachi's eyes widened. "It was a good friendship while it lasted. Now go away and leave me alone for a couple of years, until it doesn't hurt so much to look at you."
With that he spun and bolted, ignoring Jinpachi's startled protests from behind him. Sakura had appeared in the doorway, probably brought from the kitchen by the sound of him slapping his friend; he pushed roughly past her and ignored her concerned inquires as well, running down the hall to his room and slamming the door behind him.
Once he was securely shut in, he collapsed in the corner of his bed, pulling his knees up tight to his chest and sobbing into them as though his heart would break. Would break, hell, it had broken.
The worst of it was, despite everything, he still loved Jinpachi with all his heart. The contrast between his panicked need to avoid contact with Sakura and his desperate desire to throw himself into Jinpachi's arms only highlighted what he'd known all along. It was still Jinpachi that he loved, and he was beginning to think it always would be.
Distantly he was aware of raised voices from the front of the house. It sounded like Sakura was telling Jinpachi off, but Issei couldn't bring himself to care. He felt like there was a gaping wound in his soul, that he was slowly bleeding out through the hole. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was begging Sarjareem to shelter him from this horrible pain, but there was no rush of divine glory or sacred warmth. There was only him and the turmoil of his own emotions.
He'd badly hurt, maybe permanently crippled or even killed three boys today. Three boys who had been trying to rape him. He'd been forced to feel the pleasure of his would-be rapist, and now that sick feeling was twisting what he'd been trying to do with Sakura. And to top it all off, he'd just driven the one person who might have been able to help him put himself back together out of his life for good.
There was a knock on the door, and he huddled a little tighter into his corner. "Issei?" Sakura called softly. "Can I come in?"
He shook his head, not wanting her to see him like this, but couldn't force any sound to emerge from his throat. "Issei, please, I need to talk to you... you can't stay like this!" Sakura sounded genuinely upset, like she was crying, though he couldn't imagine why she would be.
"Go away," he managed to say, but his voice was too quiet to even reach past the end of his bed, let alone to the door. Before he could try again, the door opened and Sakura entered, her face streaked with tears. She was still sniffling and crying, biting her lip as if in an attempt to stop herself.
Issei pulled still farther in on himself, burying his face in his knees. "Go away," he repeated, a little louder this time.
"I can't," Sakura said, her voice wavering with a fresh wave of tears. "Issei, love, you have to calm down! You're projecting all over the house, probably over half the block given how strong this is. Mom's in hysterics, and Dad looks like he wants to kill somebody. Even Ogura was crying when he left."
Issei closed his eyes. He knew she was right, that he had to get control over himself before he gave his powers away, but could he not just once be able to feel as bad as he deserved to feel, without having to feel guilty about inflicting it on everyone else?
Slowly, painfully, he yanked his shields back into place. They were paper-thin and would break at the slightest outside pressure, but they were enough to keep his emotions locked inside him, at least for now. He could tell it was working when Sakura's muffled sobs slowed to the occasional sniffle.
"There," he growled, still not looking at her. "Now go away!"
He felt her hesitate, then the futon shifted as she settled next to him, far enough away that she wasn't touching him, but still much too close for his comfort. "Did you not hear me, Kokusho? Go away!" He deliberately used her last name, something he hadn't done since the first days he'd known her, trying to drive her away.
"No," she said, simply. "You're hurting, and you're only going to keep hurting if I let you sit here and brood. Talk to me, Issei."
"About what?" he snarled, still reacting to the emotions now locked within him rather than actually thinking about what he was saying or doing. "You want to hear about why I hit Jinpachi? Or maybe what I did to those three bullies, in detail? Or hell, maybe about what they almost did to me? Or..."
"Stop it!" She grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and shook him. "Issei, stop it! You're being irrational! I'm not here to hurt you, I want to help! I love you, remember?" She stopped shaking him and pulled him into a tight embrace, resting her chin on his hair and wrapping her arms around his back, with his knees pressed up against her chest.
Slowly, Issei let the anger slide away from him under the weight of her love and concern. Even more slowly, some of the pain slid away as well, though by no means all of it. And he knew it would be back to haunt him, later when she was gone.
"Sakura..." he whispered, and choked on the name, crying again. For the second time that day she just held him while he cried himself out, and for the second time that day she was successful in calming him down.
"I'm sorry," he said at last as he uncurled slightly and turned so his head was resting properly on her shoulder. She shifted into a more comfortable position as well, and they settled there, just breathing quietly and listening to each other's sniffles. "I wasn't projecting again, was I?" he asked when he realized she was crying too.
"Not past me, I don't think," she said quietly. "I got it because I was touching you. I didn't hear my mom start up again, anyway."
"I'll have to find some way of apologizing to them for that without letting them know it was me," Issei remarked. "I've never just lost control like that before."
"You've had a rough day," Sakura pointed out dryly. "Having Ogura waiting here was like the cosmic icing on the cake. You want to talk about what happened? I thought I heard someone get hit..."
"I... I slapped him," he admitted, and her eyes went wide.
"You did not!" she exclaimed, and he only nodded. "Oh my gods. Why?"
"He wanted to know what he'd done wrong. He still hadn't figured out that my phone call to him that night might be related to the fact that I disappeared the next day." Issei sighed again. "I told him that him needing to ask me what he'd done wrong was just proof that our friendship wasn't much of a friendship anymore, and he accused me of acting like a girl."
"Ouch." Sakura winced. "All right, I can see why you hit him. Coming from someone who didn't know about Enju, that would have been tactless, but somewhat accurate; that is a very female sort of accusation to make. Coming from him, it was just thoughtless."
"I can't believe I slapped him," Issei moaned, burying his face in his knees again.
"Why? I think he had it coming, from what you just said," Sakura replied, confused.
"No, I mean, I can't believe I slapped him!" Issei clarified with a hint of a smile as he lifted his head again. "I proved his point for him!" Seeing her continued blank look, he shook his head. "Look, Sakura. If a guy gets angry with another guy, he punches him. Women are the ones who slap people when they're pissed off."
"Oh." Sakura considered that for a moment, then giggled. "You're right, actually."
"It's not funny," he complained. "It's not exactly the best response I could have picked to an accusation that I was behaving like a girl!"
"So you've found another thing where you react in a feminine way instead of a masculine one," she countered. "What's one more?"
He glared at her, and she flushed slightly. "That... didn't come out quite like I meant it to," she said hastily. She raised one hand and stroked it through his hair. It was probably supposed to be a comforting gesture, but he tensed, remembering the way Kanai's hand had felt gripping him by the hair to pull his head back. "You feel a little better now?"
"A little," he agreed warily. "This isn't all going to go away after a few minutes of comforting words, Sakura."
"I know that," she said hastily. "But you were scaring me for a few minutes there, Issei. Given the way everyone was reacting to what you were projecting, I was half afraid you'd either go murderous or suicidal on me."
"I don't think I'd ever be able to kill someone," he replied. "The emotional backlash would kill me, too. Suicidal... maybe. Especially if I was drawing from someone else who was that depressed. If you hadn't taken me in the night my family threw me out, after Jinpachi's rejection... I might have done it then," he admitted.
She hugged him close again. "Well, don't," she said firmly. "I'd have to chase you to hell to kick your ass for it. It'd kill me to lose you, you know that, right? Not just for this life, but for all our lives to come, too."
"I know," he said, almost too soft for her to hear. "I won't, I promise."
"Good." Happy with the promise, she turned to kiss him lightly. He drew back so quickly that he smacked his head against the wall hard enough to see stars briefly.
"Issei?" When he could focus again, he saw her looking at him with wide, concerned eyes. "What is it? You haven't minded me touching your skin for the last half hour, why'd you pull away just now?"
He closed his eyes, trying to figure out how you explained the revulsion all touch evoked after a near rape, to someone who'd never experienced anything like that in any of her lives that he knew about.
Briefly he tried to force himself back into the proper mindset, reminding himself that this was Sakura, who wouldn't hurt him if her life depended on it. He cast about for something to block the memory of the feel of Kanai... and came up with an image of Jinpachi, as he had looked at the moment when he'd seen Issei standing in the hallway next to Sakura.
That was when he was forced to admit defeat to himself. "I can't," he said, his voice broken. "Sakura, I can't do this. It's not working, and after today..." he shuddered.
"What?" she asked, subdued. "What happened, Issei?"
"You don't understand what it's like for an empath, Sakura," he whispered, fighting the memory again. "You know I can't block someone out when they're in that kind of close contact with me. Think about that would mean, in terms of being raped."
"You... oh, gods." She sounded sick. "You were forced to feel what they were feeling?"
He nodded. "They didn't get far enough to overwhelm me completely; but the experience has brought a lot of Enju's darker memories to the surface. Empaths were a favoured target for rape, on the homeworld. Because once you got close, they stopped struggling, and even started to enjoy themselves. They couldn't help it."
"Enju went through that?" Sakura said, horrified. "I... I knew she'd been badly mistreated as a child, but..."
"She never talked about it. Not even to Gyokuran or Shusuran," Issei said. "I don't think I'd have ever remembered it, except for what happened today." He finally turned to look at her, his grey eyes haunted. "Sakura... my subconscious is refusing to distinguish between that, and what I was trying to do by feeding off your desire for me. I'm reacting the same way to that now as I was to the bullies whose minds I blew out. And I'm afraid I might do the same thing to you, if I push myself too hard."
"No." Sakura sounded like she was torn between despair and a kind of hysterical humour. "No, damn it, it's not fair! Why did this have to happen now, damn it? I was just starting to believe this would really work!"
He could feel the tears hovering just under the surface, her sorrow catching at him and making him feel even guiltier than he already did. "I'm sorry," he whispered, hanging his head low. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
She stood with a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "I know. We both knew from the start that this might not work. I... I'm not blaming you, but... I think maybe I ought to go to my own room before I start spilling over onto you and trigger you into projecting again," she babbled as she fled for the door.
He watched her go, peering up through the dark fall of his bangs. If she thought being on the other side of the hall was far enough for him to keep from feeling her heart break along side her, she was very much wrong. He didn't need to be able to see her fling herself onto her bed or hear her sobbing to feel the sharp pain that resonated through her.
He'd offered her everything she'd ever wanted, then taken it away again. And it wasn't his fault, damn it! He didn't want to feel this way, he didn't want to associate what they did together with what those bastards had done to him.
Sarjareem, it's not fair! I know life isn't fair, I know that better than anyone, but this is going too far! he railed at their goddess, burying his face in his knees again and feeling his body shake with Sakura's sobs. Can't you allow any of us to be happy? Just for a little while, please?
The two boys just stood looking at each other for a long moment, while Sakura's mother looked back and forth between them in confusion. "Oh, no," Sakura muttered. "Ogura, now is really not a good time for this... can you please come back later?"
Jinpachi rounded on Sakura, pointing an accusing finger at her. "You told me you didn't know where he was! Has he been here with you the whole time?"
Under other circumstances Issei would have protested being spoken about as if he weren't present, but at the moment he was more than happy to stay quiet and let Sakura handle this. He was shaking again, not just trembling; seeing Jinpachi, his first instinct had been an overwhelming urge to just throw himself into the other boy's arms and huddle there, protected and safe. He'd first met Jinpachi when the other boy had saved him from bullies; ever since then, the redhead had been looking out for Issei.
More than that, he wanted to feel Jinpachi hold him, to wash away the memories of his near-rape. He knew he was dreaming if he thought Jinpachi would do anything other than push him away; his long-time best friend hadn't been comfortable touching him since the day Issei had broken down and kissed him. That didn't stop the desire for it from pushing at him, though.
"I told you he'd contacted me and that he was transferring schools, and that I'd tell him you called the next time I spoke to him," Sakura countered evenly, hands planted on her hips. She stepped in front of Issei, putting herself halfway between him and Jinpachi in what was probably a subconscious protective gesture on her part. "All of which was true."
Jinpachi growled and shook his head, looking past her at Issei. "Look, I'm not leaving until you either talk to me, or physically throw me out. Take your pick."
"Please, Jinpachi, can't it wait until later?" Issei begged, his voice wavering. He was on the edge of breaking down again, and the swirl of anger and hurt feelings the other teen was radiating at him wasn't helping the matter.
"No!" Jinpachi exclaimed. "If I leave, you'll probably be gone by the time I get back. Why is it so difficult for me to just talk to you all of a sudden, Issei? Are we friends or not?"
Issei closed his eyes, and fought for control of his fluctuating emotions. "All right. We'll talk. I'm sorry to be the cause of so much trouble," he added formally to Sakura's mother.
"That's all right, Issei-kun," she said, still sounding faintly confused. "Why don't the three of you use the living room, then? Would any of you like something to eat or drink?"
"We're fine, Mom," Sakura said softly, jerking her chin at the living room doorway. Jinpachi gave her one last hard look, then turned and re-entered the room. Sakura caught Issei's arm before he could follow. "You sure you're up to this?" she asked, her eyes worried.
"I don't think he could possibly have picked a worse moment to show up, but I don't really have much choice, Sakura," he replied wearily. "I'll be fine. It's not like he's going to hurt me." I don't think so, anyway, he added silently to himself. Right now, the way he felt, he wasn't sure he trusted anyone not to hurt him, not even Jinpachi or Sakura.
"You want me in there with you for support?" she asked, and he shook his head silently. "All right. But I'm staying out in the kitchen with Mom, in case you need me, okay?"
"Thank you," he said, then stepped forward and broke free of her hold on him.
Entering the living room, he saw Jinpachi standing near the front window, arms crossed over his chest. He turned at the sound of Issei entering the room, and the empath froze in place, feeling pinned by his friend's gaze.
Jinpachi studied him for a long moment, then his eyes went to the icepack Issei was still holding to his eye. "What happened? Bullies?" he asked, his voice slightly softer than it had been.
"Yes," Issei said shortly. That was a subject he really didn't want to discuss right now. Especially not with Jinpachi. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep from breaking down if he had to think about how close he'd come to being raped, while the person who should have been there to watch his back watched him with unfriendly eyes. "It's not a big deal," he said instead, the lie sticking in his throat and coming out a little hoarse. "What do you want, Jinpachi? Why are you here?"
At his flat, unfriendly tone, the redhead gave him a look that was as much bewilderment as anger. "Why am I here? I'm here looking for you, you idiot! Where the hell have you been? You say you'll see me in school the next day, and then never show up. When I tried to call you, your cell phone was out of service. I called your house three or four times, and either your mother would burst into tears on me, or your father would slam the phone down. Hell, until Sakura told me she'd heard from you, I was starting to think you were dead or something!"
Issei lowered his eyes. Part of him wanted to feel bad for the worry he'd put Jinpachi through. Another part of him was warmed by the knowledge that Jinpachi did still care about him at least that much. But any time he thought about forgiving his friend as his heart urged him to do, the sound of laughter and a dial tone echoed in his ears.
Jinpachi had abandoned him, when he'd needed his friend the most. Not on purpose, no... but he hadn't made any real effort to find out why Issei was calling, only brushed him off. And even now, knowing that Issei had disappeared immediately following that night, it still hadn't occurred to him to wonder if maybe the phone call Issei had made to him, out of the blue and late at night, might have had something to do with the whole mess.
He loved Jinpachi, he really did, and he was starting to think he always would... but the redhead was not particularly good at putting random details together to come up with the whole story.
Issei sighed, and rubbed at the side of his face that wasn't bruised, trying to think past the confused emotions knotted inside him, feeding off Jinpachi's anger and hurt. "Jinpachi... look. I'm sorry I put you through that, all right? My intention wasn't to hurt you. I asked Sakura not to tell you I was there when you called because I... I just couldn't face talking to you right then, all right?"
"Why the hell not?" Jinpachi wanted to know. "Issei, are we friends or not?"
If it had been another time, if Issei hadn't just been dragged through hell and back, if Jinpachi hadn't taken such a defensive tone, if he hadn't been radiating so much anger... if, if, if. As it was, though he knew he'd probably regret it later, Issei couldn't keep himself from lashing back at the other boy.
"We were friends, Jinpachi. We were good friends, once. Then we were not so good friends, and then I don't think we were anything more than people who used to be friends." His grey eyes snapped with anger that was as much his own as reflected from Jinpachi. "When was the last time we went out and did something together? When was the last time one of us stayed over at the other's house? When was the last time we even hung out in between classes, Jinpachi?"
Jinpachi actually took a step back, shocked at the sudden surge of anger from his normally placid friend. "That's as much your fault as mine, Issei! You never made any effort to..."
"Didn't I?" Issei cut him off. "Think long and hard before you make that accusation, Jinpachi. Did I not make any effort to keep our friendship alive? None at all?"
The redhead shifted uncomfortably, unable to meet Issei's eyes. They both knew Issei had tried, in the beginning, to keep things working between them. How could he not have? Jinpachi was his life. And that had been the problem.
As Jinpachi decided to remind him now. "Yeah, well, if you hadn't kissed me in the first place, I wouldn't have been so damned uncomfortable around you!" he burst out, turning back to glare at Issei. "But that doesn't mean I wouldn't get worried about you when you just vanish like that, Issei!"
"It really doesn't matter whose fault it is, Jinpachi. What's done is done." Issei's voice went abruptly from angry to weary. He felt so drained, swinging wildly from one emotion to the next the way he had been since school had ended. He couldn't take much more of this before he snapped completely. "You hurt me too much, too often, and then you finally went too far. I can't take any more, Jinpachi. I just can't."
His friend stared at him for a long moment, and for that moment, Issei felt nothing but shock from him. Then the anger returned, and the hurt, doubled and doubled again. "What the hell did I do?" he shouted. "Just tell me that much, huh? The last time I talked to you, you said you'd see me in school the next day! You didn't seem angry at me then, and if you were angry at me in school earlier that day, you were hiding it damn well!"
"The fact that I even have to tell you what you did wrong just proves my point for me, Jinpachi!" Issei yelled back. "We're not friends anymore, and there's no point in beating a dead horse! Just let it go while we're still on civil terms, at least!"
"What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Jinpachi demanded. "Gods, Issei, you think like such a damn girl sometimes!"
The ringing sound of flesh striking flesh hung in the room, and the two boys stared at each other for a moment in silence, chests heaving. It wasn't until Issei saw the red mark spreading over Jinpachi's cheek, and felt the stinging in his hand, that he realized what had just happened. He'd slapped Jinpachi!
The redhead was looking at him in astonishment, one hand raised to touch the red mark on his face. Issei had put enough force behind the blow to make it sting, and sting hard, but with an open-handed slap like that Jinpachi was unlikely to end up with a bruise. Still, the shock of it hung between them, choking them both with its force. Neither of them had ever raised a hand to the other, not even in play.
"Go ahead," Issei growled finally. "Say it. Tell me that was a feminine thing to do. I dare you."
"Issei..." Jinpachi's voice faltered off, like the other boy had no idea what to say. Issei was shaking with reaction again, and he knew he needed to get out of there quickly, before he broke down entirely.
"It's over, Jinpachi. Ogura," he corrected himself deliberately, and Jinpachi's eyes widened. "It was a good friendship while it lasted. Now go away and leave me alone for a couple of years, until it doesn't hurt so much to look at you."
With that he spun and bolted, ignoring Jinpachi's startled protests from behind him. Sakura had appeared in the doorway, probably brought from the kitchen by the sound of him slapping his friend; he pushed roughly past her and ignored her concerned inquires as well, running down the hall to his room and slamming the door behind him.
Once he was securely shut in, he collapsed in the corner of his bed, pulling his knees up tight to his chest and sobbing into them as though his heart would break. Would break, hell, it had broken.
The worst of it was, despite everything, he still loved Jinpachi with all his heart. The contrast between his panicked need to avoid contact with Sakura and his desperate desire to throw himself into Jinpachi's arms only highlighted what he'd known all along. It was still Jinpachi that he loved, and he was beginning to think it always would be.
Distantly he was aware of raised voices from the front of the house. It sounded like Sakura was telling Jinpachi off, but Issei couldn't bring himself to care. He felt like there was a gaping wound in his soul, that he was slowly bleeding out through the hole. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was begging Sarjareem to shelter him from this horrible pain, but there was no rush of divine glory or sacred warmth. There was only him and the turmoil of his own emotions.
He'd badly hurt, maybe permanently crippled or even killed three boys today. Three boys who had been trying to rape him. He'd been forced to feel the pleasure of his would-be rapist, and now that sick feeling was twisting what he'd been trying to do with Sakura. And to top it all off, he'd just driven the one person who might have been able to help him put himself back together out of his life for good.
There was a knock on the door, and he huddled a little tighter into his corner. "Issei?" Sakura called softly. "Can I come in?"
He shook his head, not wanting her to see him like this, but couldn't force any sound to emerge from his throat. "Issei, please, I need to talk to you... you can't stay like this!" Sakura sounded genuinely upset, like she was crying, though he couldn't imagine why she would be.
"Go away," he managed to say, but his voice was too quiet to even reach past the end of his bed, let alone to the door. Before he could try again, the door opened and Sakura entered, her face streaked with tears. She was still sniffling and crying, biting her lip as if in an attempt to stop herself.
Issei pulled still farther in on himself, burying his face in his knees. "Go away," he repeated, a little louder this time.
"I can't," Sakura said, her voice wavering with a fresh wave of tears. "Issei, love, you have to calm down! You're projecting all over the house, probably over half the block given how strong this is. Mom's in hysterics, and Dad looks like he wants to kill somebody. Even Ogura was crying when he left."
Issei closed his eyes. He knew she was right, that he had to get control over himself before he gave his powers away, but could he not just once be able to feel as bad as he deserved to feel, without having to feel guilty about inflicting it on everyone else?
Slowly, painfully, he yanked his shields back into place. They were paper-thin and would break at the slightest outside pressure, but they were enough to keep his emotions locked inside him, at least for now. He could tell it was working when Sakura's muffled sobs slowed to the occasional sniffle.
"There," he growled, still not looking at her. "Now go away!"
He felt her hesitate, then the futon shifted as she settled next to him, far enough away that she wasn't touching him, but still much too close for his comfort. "Did you not hear me, Kokusho? Go away!" He deliberately used her last name, something he hadn't done since the first days he'd known her, trying to drive her away.
"No," she said, simply. "You're hurting, and you're only going to keep hurting if I let you sit here and brood. Talk to me, Issei."
"About what?" he snarled, still reacting to the emotions now locked within him rather than actually thinking about what he was saying or doing. "You want to hear about why I hit Jinpachi? Or maybe what I did to those three bullies, in detail? Or hell, maybe about what they almost did to me? Or..."
"Stop it!" She grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and shook him. "Issei, stop it! You're being irrational! I'm not here to hurt you, I want to help! I love you, remember?" She stopped shaking him and pulled him into a tight embrace, resting her chin on his hair and wrapping her arms around his back, with his knees pressed up against her chest.
Slowly, Issei let the anger slide away from him under the weight of her love and concern. Even more slowly, some of the pain slid away as well, though by no means all of it. And he knew it would be back to haunt him, later when she was gone.
"Sakura..." he whispered, and choked on the name, crying again. For the second time that day she just held him while he cried himself out, and for the second time that day she was successful in calming him down.
"I'm sorry," he said at last as he uncurled slightly and turned so his head was resting properly on her shoulder. She shifted into a more comfortable position as well, and they settled there, just breathing quietly and listening to each other's sniffles. "I wasn't projecting again, was I?" he asked when he realized she was crying too.
"Not past me, I don't think," she said quietly. "I got it because I was touching you. I didn't hear my mom start up again, anyway."
"I'll have to find some way of apologizing to them for that without letting them know it was me," Issei remarked. "I've never just lost control like that before."
"You've had a rough day," Sakura pointed out dryly. "Having Ogura waiting here was like the cosmic icing on the cake. You want to talk about what happened? I thought I heard someone get hit..."
"I... I slapped him," he admitted, and her eyes went wide.
"You did not!" she exclaimed, and he only nodded. "Oh my gods. Why?"
"He wanted to know what he'd done wrong. He still hadn't figured out that my phone call to him that night might be related to the fact that I disappeared the next day." Issei sighed again. "I told him that him needing to ask me what he'd done wrong was just proof that our friendship wasn't much of a friendship anymore, and he accused me of acting like a girl."
"Ouch." Sakura winced. "All right, I can see why you hit him. Coming from someone who didn't know about Enju, that would have been tactless, but somewhat accurate; that is a very female sort of accusation to make. Coming from him, it was just thoughtless."
"I can't believe I slapped him," Issei moaned, burying his face in his knees again.
"Why? I think he had it coming, from what you just said," Sakura replied, confused.
"No, I mean, I can't believe I slapped him!" Issei clarified with a hint of a smile as he lifted his head again. "I proved his point for him!" Seeing her continued blank look, he shook his head. "Look, Sakura. If a guy gets angry with another guy, he punches him. Women are the ones who slap people when they're pissed off."
"Oh." Sakura considered that for a moment, then giggled. "You're right, actually."
"It's not funny," he complained. "It's not exactly the best response I could have picked to an accusation that I was behaving like a girl!"
"So you've found another thing where you react in a feminine way instead of a masculine one," she countered. "What's one more?"
He glared at her, and she flushed slightly. "That... didn't come out quite like I meant it to," she said hastily. She raised one hand and stroked it through his hair. It was probably supposed to be a comforting gesture, but he tensed, remembering the way Kanai's hand had felt gripping him by the hair to pull his head back. "You feel a little better now?"
"A little," he agreed warily. "This isn't all going to go away after a few minutes of comforting words, Sakura."
"I know that," she said hastily. "But you were scaring me for a few minutes there, Issei. Given the way everyone was reacting to what you were projecting, I was half afraid you'd either go murderous or suicidal on me."
"I don't think I'd ever be able to kill someone," he replied. "The emotional backlash would kill me, too. Suicidal... maybe. Especially if I was drawing from someone else who was that depressed. If you hadn't taken me in the night my family threw me out, after Jinpachi's rejection... I might have done it then," he admitted.
She hugged him close again. "Well, don't," she said firmly. "I'd have to chase you to hell to kick your ass for it. It'd kill me to lose you, you know that, right? Not just for this life, but for all our lives to come, too."
"I know," he said, almost too soft for her to hear. "I won't, I promise."
"Good." Happy with the promise, she turned to kiss him lightly. He drew back so quickly that he smacked his head against the wall hard enough to see stars briefly.
"Issei?" When he could focus again, he saw her looking at him with wide, concerned eyes. "What is it? You haven't minded me touching your skin for the last half hour, why'd you pull away just now?"
He closed his eyes, trying to figure out how you explained the revulsion all touch evoked after a near rape, to someone who'd never experienced anything like that in any of her lives that he knew about.
Briefly he tried to force himself back into the proper mindset, reminding himself that this was Sakura, who wouldn't hurt him if her life depended on it. He cast about for something to block the memory of the feel of Kanai... and came up with an image of Jinpachi, as he had looked at the moment when he'd seen Issei standing in the hallway next to Sakura.
That was when he was forced to admit defeat to himself. "I can't," he said, his voice broken. "Sakura, I can't do this. It's not working, and after today..." he shuddered.
"What?" she asked, subdued. "What happened, Issei?"
"You don't understand what it's like for an empath, Sakura," he whispered, fighting the memory again. "You know I can't block someone out when they're in that kind of close contact with me. Think about that would mean, in terms of being raped."
"You... oh, gods." She sounded sick. "You were forced to feel what they were feeling?"
He nodded. "They didn't get far enough to overwhelm me completely; but the experience has brought a lot of Enju's darker memories to the surface. Empaths were a favoured target for rape, on the homeworld. Because once you got close, they stopped struggling, and even started to enjoy themselves. They couldn't help it."
"Enju went through that?" Sakura said, horrified. "I... I knew she'd been badly mistreated as a child, but..."
"She never talked about it. Not even to Gyokuran or Shusuran," Issei said. "I don't think I'd have ever remembered it, except for what happened today." He finally turned to look at her, his grey eyes haunted. "Sakura... my subconscious is refusing to distinguish between that, and what I was trying to do by feeding off your desire for me. I'm reacting the same way to that now as I was to the bullies whose minds I blew out. And I'm afraid I might do the same thing to you, if I push myself too hard."
"No." Sakura sounded like she was torn between despair and a kind of hysterical humour. "No, damn it, it's not fair! Why did this have to happen now, damn it? I was just starting to believe this would really work!"
He could feel the tears hovering just under the surface, her sorrow catching at him and making him feel even guiltier than he already did. "I'm sorry," he whispered, hanging his head low. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
She stood with a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "I know. We both knew from the start that this might not work. I... I'm not blaming you, but... I think maybe I ought to go to my own room before I start spilling over onto you and trigger you into projecting again," she babbled as she fled for the door.
He watched her go, peering up through the dark fall of his bangs. If she thought being on the other side of the hall was far enough for him to keep from feeling her heart break along side her, she was very much wrong. He didn't need to be able to see her fling herself onto her bed or hear her sobbing to feel the sharp pain that resonated through her.
He'd offered her everything she'd ever wanted, then taken it away again. And it wasn't his fault, damn it! He didn't want to feel this way, he didn't want to associate what they did together with what those bastards had done to him.
Sarjareem, it's not fair! I know life isn't fair, I know that better than anyone, but this is going too far! he railed at their goddess, burying his face in his knees again and feeling his body shake with Sakura's sobs. Can't you allow any of us to be happy? Just for a little while, please?