Disclaimer: I don't own the food I eat, I don't own the bed I sleep in and I certainly don't own Dr Who.
A/N: I'm part of a small film company which my friends and I set up at school. We never take anything seriously so when we were asked to make a news report as part of a competition someone shouted out "Ohh...why don't we make a spoof of Doctor Who?" at which point I had the duty of writing the script thrust upon me. With no more than "It has to start in a news studio and be under three minutes long" this is what I came up with.
This is a script and so not written in story format, sorry if that annoys you.
Everything in bracketsare stage directions.
I've edited this at the suggestion of one of my reviewers to make it easier to read. I really don't know why I didn't put gaps in it to begin with, I was going to but then I didn't. I also took out the italics because I realized reading large blocks of text in italics does funny things to your eyes and I don't wish to blind my readers.
(News presenter in studio)
Presenter: And finally, a troop of tap-dancing hamsters from Titsup…
(News presenter is interrupted through earpiece, she makes a show of pausing, finger to ear, nodding etc)
Presenter: Um…right…news just in. Strangely a mysterious UFO has inexplicably appearedon the coast of south Wales. Teresa Green, our reporter of unexplainable and weird events, otherwise known as our political reporter, is there at the scene.
(Cut to long shot of reporter, cameraman and soundman running along a headland towards a tall cardboard box "Tardis" which has "Bad Wolf" written on the side. The reporter is carrying step ladders.)
(Cut to closer shot of the box. Reporter puts up the step ladder, climbs up and jumps into the box. The cameraman does the same. The soundman jumps in but the sound boom gets caught on the edge of the box, there's a bit of a struggle then the boom finally disappears. All this is done in very slapstick manner.)
(Cut to a large room with a mess of wires and classic green alien blood The camera is quite low showing a patch on the floor. The reporter drops in landing in a crouch then walking off camera. Cameraman does the same. The soundman drops in landing on his backside, the sound boom falling on his head and knocking him unconscious.)
(Cut to a shot of the rest of the room with the reporter and cameraman just at the side of the frame. The Doctor lies on the floor dying. His companion lies, apparently unconscious, in the background. The reporter runs over to the Doctor kneeling down and taking his hand.)
Reporter: Are you alright?
Doctor: I'm alright. I'm only dying. It's happened before, doesn't hurt that much. (Brightly) I'm the Doctor by the way.
(Cue "Who Are You" by The Who on the word "doctor".)
Reporter: Doctor? Doctor who?
(Cue "Who Are You".)
Doctor: Just Doctor.
(Cue "Who Are You".)
Reporter: But…
Companion: (Loudly) Ohh…colours…
(Reporter looks at the companion rather confused but the Doctor grabs the reporter's face to look at him again.)
Doctor: No, listen, you have to help me, the whole universe is in trouble.
Reporter: But…
Doctor:(Dramatically over acting, sitting up, grabbing the reporter by the shirt and making other wild movements. Said all in one breath. )Didn't you hear me, the whole universe is in trouble, impending doom, death, destruction, the end of the world as we know it! Our nine lives are up, the chips are down, our luck is out, fortune has crapped in our faces, our porridge is cold!
(The Doctor and reporter drop out of character and start stage whispering.)
Doctor: How was that?
Reporter: It was great.
Doctor: Thanks, I was a little worried about it.
Reporter: No, it was fine.
Companion: (Loudly)Leave it alone it's only a sock!
(After that outburst the reporter looks rather stunned. The doctor falls back down, resuming his "dying". There's a silent pause. The reporter takes a deep breath and looks around as if taking things in for the first time.)
Reporter: But Doctor…
(Cue "Who Are You".)
Reporter: (Sighs)But how did this happen?
Doctor: (As if telling epic story)We…we were travelling through the deepest part of space when it suddenly became dark, so dark you couldn't see your hand in front of your face, so dark you couldn't see your nose in front of your face, so dark you couldn't see your eyes…
Reporter: Was it a black whole?
Doctor: (Bluntly)No, I forgot to pay the electricity bill(Back to epic story telling voice) Anyway, so there we were stranded in the dark, in the middle of space when we were attacked by the awfulest, horriblest, horridest, terriblest race in the universe…
Reporter: (Getting louder and faster after each one)Godzilla? King Kong? Sauron? Moriarty? Darth Vader? Magneto? Hyde? Dracula? Frankenstein's Monster? Voldemort? (exaggerated deep breath.)The Sheriff of Nottingham? Zombies? The Living Undead? Moby Dick? Film producers? News Reporters? (Shouting)The Care-Bears? (The Doctor looks like he is about to interrupt after each of the suggestions but can't get the words out fast enough.) (1)
Companion: (Shouting)Tap-dancing Hamsters!
Doctor: (Shouting) No!
Reporter: Not…not the Daleks?
Doctor: (Stage whisper)No…worse.
Reporter: What could be worse the Daleks?
Doctor: Listen, there isn't much time. We were forced to flee and we crash landed here. But I'm afraid they're still on board.
Reporter: But Doctor…
(Cue "Who Are You".)
Doctor and Reporter: Cut it out with the music already!
Doctor: You must help, the fate of the world is in your hands.
Reporter: (In panic and high pitched) But my hands aren't big enough!
Doctor: If you don't help they'll destroy the world.
(There is a sudden eerie metallic clanging, the camera moves to focus on an empty patch of floor.)
(Cut back to Doctor and reporter.)
Doctor: (Deadpan)I really must get that plumbing seen to.
(Cut back to spot. More metallic clanging. But still nothing there.)
(Cut back to Doctor and reporter. They suddenly gasp as if they have seen the alien.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Cut back to Doctor and reporter. They gasp again.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Very quick cutting between shots.)
(Cut the Doctor and reporter. Gasp.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Cut the Doctor and reporter. Gasp.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Cut the Doctor and reporter. Gasp.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Cut the Doctor and reporter. Gasp.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Cut the Doctor and reporter. Gasp.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Cut the Doctor and reporter. Gasp.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Cut the Doctor and reporter. Gasp.)
(Cut to spot. Nothing.)
(Cut the Doctor and reporter. Gasp.)
(Final cut to the spot and suddenly there's a glove puppet rabbit with paper fangsand red pen "blood" on them.)
(Cut to Doctor and reporter. Reporter screams.)
Doctor:(Pulling carrot from pocket)Why's there a carrot in my pocket? (2)
(Cut to rabbit which attacks the camera which breaks as it it's the ground.)
(Fuzzy screen and buzzing.)
(Cut back to the studio. The presenter is kissing the weatherman who is sat on the desk. They are unaware that they are on air for a few seconds but when they realise the presenter pushes the weatherman onto the floor. We don't see him hit the floor because the desk fills the bottom of the frame but we hear the thud. The presenter has lipstick smeared around her mouth and her clothes are a bit ruffled.)
Presenter: (Unsettled)Ah...well…We seem to have lost that live feed from Teresa Green. Um… well… that's all for this evening. Goodnight.
(Credits, including fake ones e.g.:
Tap-dancing Hamsters trained by: Ben Dover etc
And everyone will have a silly nickname (like on The Simpsons) e.g.:
Sylvia "A-man-duh" Doyle etc
At the end:
No animals, stuffed or otherwise, were harmed during the filming of this production.)
Voiceover: And now for the weather with Hugh Garse.
(The weatherman, similarly ruffled and with lipstick smeared around his mouth, is stood in front of a (poorly) hand drawn map of Britain. "Here Be Monsters." is written over the Irish Sea, there's an old fashioned map compass points thing in the corner, a pirate ship drawn in the sea etc. Weather symbols are already stuck on the board.)
Weatherman: This evening will be mostly clear in the west with the occasional shower in the east. However look out for increasing numbers of killer rabbit showers spreading north and east through the night. (As he says this he sticks little pictures of Killer Rabbits on the board, some fall off.)That's all from me, goodnight.
(Fade to black.)
Footnotes:
(1) Although this sounds like the bit in the Christmas episode this was written a month before that. What can I say, the writers and I are obviously on the same wavelength.
(2) Ok, that line was written after watching the Christmas episode.
A/N: So, what do you think? Please tell me by reviewing. I'm also open to suggestions for changes as filming hasn't started yet.
A/N/N: My sister would like to claim part of the credit as she helped think of names for the Godzilla... thing.