Chapter 15
The first knock on his bedroom door was lost in the music playing on the headphones Issei had on. He was sprawled over his futon, humming along to the music, just enjoying the rare feeling of being home with nothing to do in the middle of a Monday morning. School was over; he'd graduated with top honours. The results for the university entrance exams would be posted soon, but he wasn't letting himself think about that. If he did, he'd be tied up in knots.
A spike of impatience directed straight at him penetrated his shields, making him blink and look up from the magazine he was reading. It was a fashion magazine, snitched from Sakura's room - he still felt guilty about borrowing her things, though he was always careful to return anything that might be missed. If he'd had any money he'd have bought his own clothes, makeup and books, but for now he had no choice but to borrow them.
He pulled his headphones off, and that allowed him to hear the second knock on the door. Hastily he shoved the magazine under his pillow and scrubbed his lips with his hand to get rid of the lip-gloss he'd put on earlier. He was edging closer and closer to confessing his actions to Sakura, but he wanted to tell her himself, at the right time, not have her walk in and catch him wearing her makeup.
A quick glance in the mirror to make sure there was nothing to give him away, and then he called, "Come in!" as he sat up on the futon.
Sakura opened the door and poked her head in, grinning at him. "Took you long enough," she chided. "How loud do you play that music, anyway?"
"Loud enough to block out any other sounds, that being the point," Issei replied dryly. "You don't have to stand in the doorway, you can come in, you know."
She slipped inside, leaving the door ajar, and he smiled at her. Things were definitely improving between them; this was the first time she'd come into his room since the day he'd broken it off with her. He no longer sensed the sort of overwhelming negative emotions that had gripped her in the first few weeks whenever she was around him, either. She was, slowly, getting over him. Now if only he could do the same thing with Jinpachi.
"What's up?" he asked her, curious. "I thought you were going out today?"
She waved her cell phone at him, grinning. "Natsumi just called," she told him, her eyes sparkling. "She was on a bus that was going by Toudai, and she saw the message boards. The universities have posted the exam results!"
"What? Already?" Issei scrambled to his feet, eyes wide and heart pounding. So much for the calm, relaxed feeling he'd been enjoying; suddenly he was far too aware that his entire future rested on exactly where his examination number was written among the hundreds of other similar numbers on those boards. He was certain he'd passed, there was no question of that. What mattered now was how high he'd scored. If it wasn't high enough to get him a full scholarship, he wasn't going to be able to attend.
"Let's go and see!" she urged, and he nodded, following her out the door and down the hall. They'd both get letters in the mail informing them of their results, of course, but that wouldn't be for days yet. He wanted to know now if he was going to have a future as a student.
They jostled each other trying to get their shoes on, and it turned into a shoving match that helped them relieve at least a little of the tension they were both feeling. Sakura's parents had taken the car, so they ran to the nearest bus stop and waited impatiently until the bus arrived.
"You want to check Toudai?" Sakura asked once they were on the bus and heading farther into the city.
"I'm not sure," Issei admitted. "It's not like I can afford to go even if I got in. I'm fairly certain I did get in, but I know I wasn't anywhere near a high enough score to get a scholarship. On the other hand, it would put off finding out whether or not I can go to school next year, which isn't necessarily a bad thing."
Sakura laughed. "Right. Straight to Waseda University, then. If you put it off, you're just going to give yourself an ulcer from nerves."
"That obvious, am I?" Issei asked wryly, but he didn't try to argue. He clung to the overhead straps with a shaking hand as the bus neared the stop they'd have to get off at if they wanted to get to the main Waseda campus.
By the time they actually found the posting boards and started making their way through the crowds of other hopeful students looking for their examination numbers, Issei thought he just might be sick. So much rested on the one tiny detail of where his number fell in the ranking order on the boards. And he had such a narrow margin of error! They didn't give out many full scholarships, and while Waseda's exams weren't as difficult as Toudai's, they hadn't exactly been easy, either.
Sakura got them to the front by pushing and shoving relentlessly, her hand clamped around Issei's wrist. Whether that was to keep the crowd from separating them, or just to keep him from bolting, Issei wasn't sure. "I can't do this," he said, looking anywhere but the boards and swallowing hard.
"Yes, you can," Sakura insisted, scanning the lists for her own number. Like everyone else in the crowd, they both had their numbers memorized, though Issei was carrying his ID paper in his pocket just to double check that he hadn't mentally transposed a digit or something.
A moment later Sakura squealed and jumped up and down, jarring the wrist she was still clinging to. "Oh my gods! Issei! I did it, I got in! Look, look, there's my number!" She was pointing wildly to the middle area of the lists.
"I can't, I can't look," Issei said, turning away and hiding his face in her shoulder. His whole body was shaking, and he felt like he couldn't get enough air. He felt Sakura startle, then she released his wrist to wrap her arm around him and hug him.
"Give me your paper, I'll look for you," she said. He fished it out and handed it to her still without raising his face, and she chuckled softly as she took it.
A moment later, her arm tightened on his waist. "Issei. Issei, you have to look. I'm serious, you have to look!"
She actually physically shoved him around so he was facing the boards before he realized what she was intending. Swallowing hard, he raised his eyes to the lists, telling himself that Sakura surely was above torturing him by making him look if his number wasn't there.
He started at the top and scanned down, and it took him all of one second to find his number. He froze, staring, his jaw dropping in shock. "Wh-what? That's... that's not possible..."
Sakura hit him lightly on the back of the head. "Of course it's possible! Gods, Issei, you've been doing nothing but study for the last six months! And it paid off! The top five entrants are guaranteed a free ride!"
"I placed third?" he said, still not believing what his eyes were telling him. Not only had he taken the third spot, but there was a very good chance the two people above him had also applied for Toudai, and been accepted there as well. And unless they were facing money issues like Issei, they would probably choose to attend the more prestigious school. Which would make him the top student in the year.
When it finally began to sink in, Issei started laughing and couldn't stop. With tears of relief and joy running down his face, he caught Sakura in a tight hug and whirled her around. "Blessed Sarjareem, I did it! Sakura, I did it! I can go to school!"
"Yes, you did, and you can!" she agreed, laughing just as hard as he was. "And so can I!" In the excitement of the moment all the awkwardness between them was suspended, letting them just revel in the joy of accomplishment together.
When he stopped whirling her, she grabbed his hand again and tugged him out of the crowd, making way for other anxious students. "This calls for a celebration," she said firmly. "We are going out tonight, and we're going to party so hard they'll be talking about it for years. But first, I'm treating you to lunch, and then..." she gave him an almost feral grin, "then I'm taking you shopping."
He blinked, and flushed. "Sakura, I don't have any money, you know that," he objected, trailing along behind her. "I won't get any of the scholarship money until school starts, and it's all going to need to go to tuition and expenses anyway."
"I said I'm taking you shopping, not that we were going shopping," she said, releasing his hand when they were out of the crowd and no longer in danger of being separated. She stayed close to him, though, and he was pleased to sense only a faint edge of discomfort in her despite their proximity.
"We had this argument the last time you insisted on buying my clothes, remember?" he prodded her, frowning. He didn't like having her just spend large amounts of money on him, even if she could afford it. It felt too much like charity, and he was already taking enough of that from her family.
"Yes, I remember," she agreed serenely. "I also remember that I won that argument, and I'm going to win this one, too. So why don't you just give in and enjoy it, instead of fretting over every penny like you usually do?"
Issei sighed and dropped the subject for the moment, but resolved not to give in so easily this time. It wasn't as if he needed any new clothes; well, nothing that he had the nerve to ask Sakura to buy for him, anyway.
They found a cafe and took over a booth in the far corner. When Issei would have ordered something small and plain in defiance of her insistence on spending money on him, Sakura beat him to it, and ordered pretty much exactly what he really wanted.
"You know me too well," he accused with a sigh when the waiter had brought them their milkshakes and left again. She merely smiled at him and took a sip of her own drink as he played with his straw. "Why this sudden insistence on shopping, anyway?" he wanted to know. "I've got more than enough clothes to last me until school starts. I wouldn't mind just window shopping, but I know you... you'll buy everything you see me looking wistfully at."
"You're right," she agreed, smirking. "But you need something to wear tonight, because when we go out, you're going as a girl."
Issei choked on the sip of milkshake he'd just taken. He grabbed a handful of napkins and pressed them over his mouth as he coughed, eyes watering. "Excuse me?" he gasped when he was able to speak again. He stared at Sakura, certain he'd misunderstood her. Or worse, that this was some sort of horribly cruel joke on her part, maybe in belated revenge for him breaking up with her.
"I said, you're going as a girl," she repeated placidly, stirring her drink with a straw. "Honestly, Issei, did you think I wouldn't notice that my things kept going missing, and then mysteriously turning up again? Well, most of them, anyway. I assume you've still got some stuff in your room."
When he just continued to stare at her, she sighed and reached out to pat his hand. "You could have trusted me, you know," she said softly. "I know we haven't been on very good terms for a while, but I would have helped you."
He flushed darkly, and ducked his head to hide his eyes behind his bangs. "I was too scared," he admitted in a low voice. "It's not that I don't trust you, Sakura, I just..."
"It's all right," she murmured, voice soft and comforting. "I think I understand. I'm not sure I'd have been able to bring myself to tell you, if our situations were reversed. But I've figured it out, so now you don't have to hide any more. And I am going to help you."
He shook his head, raising his eyes enough for her to see his expression, which was a mixture of intense longing and desperate fear. "I... I can't. I'm not ready yet. I can't go out in public like that!"
"Then when are you planning to?" she asked, leaning forward and looking at him intently. "Issei, think about it. Right now, you've got a month before school starts. When we get to university, the only person there who's going to know you is me. What better time will you ever have to make the transition? If you wait until later, you'll have to face other students and professors who know you're a guy. If you wait until after school, then you'll have to face a company who probably followed your progress in the last years of school, and who'll be expecting a guy to show up for the first day of work."
He wilted under the stream of words, feeling like he'd been kicked in the gut. She was right. If he was going to do it, now was the best time. Maybe the only time. If he waited, it would only become more difficult, and he'd be more likely to chicken out. And he'd already decided that he didn't want to spend his life trying to force himself to be something he wasn't. He'd go insane before he was twenty-five.
"How do you know all this stuff?" he asked, stalling for time as his brain ran in little circles and refused to actually commit to a decision.
"I went to talk to Sakamoto-sensei after the last day of class," she answered, surprising him. "I asked her if there was anything I could do to help you. She said she couldn't tell me anything you'd said to her, but when I proved I already had a pretty good idea of what was going on, she gave me the same websites she gave you. That was enough."
"Really? You did that for me?" Issei was more than just touched by the gesture. With everything that had happened between them, Sakura had still gone out of her way to do something like that, just so she could better understand and help Issei with his problems. "Sakura... I appreciate the trouble you went to, and I agree that you're probably right about the timing, but I still don't know if I'm ready to make a step that big," he said, lowered his eyes again.
She caught and squeezed his hand. "Just this once. Do it tonight; what will it cost you? We'll go to a club that isn't a hangout for our friends. If you can't handle it, we can always go home. If you can, then you'll have learned something important, right?"
Slowly, feeling like he was taking an irrevocable step, Issei nodded. "All right," he whispered. "Just this once." Sarjareem, please let this NOT be the biggest mistake of my life since I chose to be born male in the first place!