Chapter 18
Issei lay sprawled over his futon, hugging the pillow to his chest, his eyes fastened on the digital clock on the floor beside him. It read three minutes to seven in the evening; their friends would be arriving any minute to collect Sakura and him for the pub crawl.
He should have been spending at least the last hour getting ready for the night out. He didn't get out very often, needing to spend insane amounts of time studying to keep his grades up, and when he did go out he tended to take advantage of the free time to really cut loose.
Tonight, however, he'd simply collapsed onto his bed the moment he returned from classes, and stayed there. He'd spent the whole week debating whether or not he was going to back out of this, given that he was certain Jinpachi was going to be there. He'd changed his mind a dozen times already, wavering between wanting to see his friend again, and being afraid that any further contact would only lead to the redhead recognizing him.
Nor did he want to lead Jinpachi on, make him think that Issei was interested in a relationship. Not that he wasn't... Sarjareem knew, Issei had wanted nothing else for so long that having the possibility dangled before him now was almost torture.
But even if he could somehow pull off hiding his identity from Jinpachi, he'd only end up hurting them both, badly. Physically Issei was still a hundred percent male, and he had no intentions of changing that any time soon. Although he'd eventually gotten over Jinpachi enough to be able to enjoy the flattering attention other males paid to 'Isako', he'd never dared get involved in anything other than flirting.
He didn't think Jinpachi was the type of person who would get upset enough to hurt him upon discovering that the pretty 'girl' he'd been flirting with was actually a boy, but he couldn't be sure. You could never be completely sure how someone would react, until it happened. And whether or not he got violent, Jinpachi would be hurt and shaken by the discovery. Issei had no desire to put his friend through something like that.
And even if, by some miracle, he managed to keep things light and break it off before Jinpachi realized the truth, he'd still end up breaking his own heart over the handsome redhead all over again. Enju had been hurt by Gyokuran's persistent infatuation with Mokuren; Issei had been crushed by Jinpachi's rejection of him in high school. If it happened a third time, he didn't think he could bear it.
The doorbell rang, and Sakura called "I'll get it!" as she thundered down the hall in her sock feet. He heard the door open and the sound of feminine giggling; it sounded like at least a couple of the crowd had gotten a head start on their drinking.
He rolled over and buried his face in the pillow, closing his eyes. Well, that was it. The act of indecision had caused the decision to be made; he wasn't ready, so he wasn't going. He was female enough at heart not to want to be seen in jeans and a t-shirt for a night on the town.
"Isako? Hurry up, we're leaving!" Sakura called from the main room. Issei curled into a slightly tighter ball around his pillow.
"I'm not going!" he shouted back in return. "I've... I've got too much homework to do. You guys have fun without me." If he'd wanted to be truly convincing he should have gone out to the main room and looked glum about being stuck studying while everyone else was out having fun, but he wasn't a good enough actor to be sure he could pull it off.
There was an exclamation of surprise from the main room, and he mentally willed Sakura to just accept it and go out. To his dismay, he heard her footsteps heading back towards the bedrooms.
He sat up and quickly scrambled for his bag, yanking out the first textbook he came to an throwing it open on his bed, flopping down in front of it as if he was studying. Not a moment too soon; Sakura knocked briefly before opening the door just as he was settled again.
"I thought you were going to make an effort to get all your work done early this week so you could come out with us?" she asked, dismayed.
"I had a paper assigned in my last class today," Issei lied, keeping his eyes on the textbook. He could lie convincingly to anybody else, but she knew him too well. If she could see his eyes, she'd know something was wrong. "It's due on Monday, I need to get started right away."
She was silent for a long moment, and he tightened his shields a bit, making sure nothing was leaking out to give him away. "That might be a little more convincing if you weren't reading the textbook for the one class you and I share," she pointed out dryly. "Upside down, at that."
Actually focusing his eyes on the book, he groaned as he realized she was right. Not only was it upside down, not only was Sakura well aware that they didn't have any unexpected assignments in that class, they hadn't even had a lecture for that class today. He had the text in his bag because he'd been reading ahead at lunch today.
"So you want to tell me what's really going on?" she asked, as he gave in and looked up at her. He grimaced. He hadn't told Sakura about the second meeting with Jinpachi earlier that week; not from any real desire to hide it from her, but because they really didn't see much of each other, despite living in the same apartment, unless they made time for it. Like this night out they'd planned for tonight.
"Jinpachi's going to be there," he admitted, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging them tightly. "I ran into him at the cafe the other day after you went to your lab. He asked me to go with him tonight; I turned him down, but I did it by telling him I'd already planned to go with you and the others."
"Ohhh, shit," Sakura said with feeling, giving him a sympathetic look. "You just have the worst luck, don't you?" He nodded, and she backed out of the room, shaking her head.
He thought that was the end of it... until he heard her telling the others to go on ahead, that they'd meet up with the group later. He bolted to his feet and went to the door of his room, staring at her as she closed the main door behind their friends. "Sakura!" he protested, his voice breaking slightly. "What are you doing? I'm not going!"
"Oh yes you are," she countered, turning and giving him a scolding look. "You can't just hide in here, Issei. Are you planning to skip class from now on, too?"
"No, of course not," he said, wincing. The truth was, he wished he dared to do exactly that, but he couldn't afford to miss that many classes if he wanted to keep his scholarship. "But seeing him in class is different from going to a bar where he's going to be waiting for me! With my luck, given the way I turned him down, he probably thinks I was just being coy or playing hard to get!"
He realized his voice was starting to rise hysterically when she came over and gripped his shoulders, shaking him slightly. "It's okay! Issei, he's not the sort of person to pursue someone after she's said 'no'. So, just tell him 'no', outright, and he'll back off. You know that!"
He gave her a despairing look. "It's telling him 'no' that's the hard part, Sakura! I'm not sure I can do it convincingly." Not when his heart was begging him to say 'yes'. He doubted he'd be able to put enough conviction into the refusal to make it seem like anything but more 'hard to get' coyness.
She studied his eyes for a moment, then sighed. "You still love him, don't you?" she asked softly. He nodded miserably. "After all this time... I thought you'd gotten over him."
"I thought so, too," he replied "Right up until the moment I saw him again and my heart jumped into my throat."
"Well, you still can't run from him forever," she asserted, dropping her hand to grab his wrist. She tugged him back into his room. "You're going to get dressed, and you're going to go out tonight, just like we'd planned. The last thing you want to do is let his presence dictate your life, Issei."
"This is a really bad idea," Issei asserted, dragging his feet. "Beyond bad. Horrible. Sakura, why are you doing this to me?"
"You're doing this to yourself," she told him with a quick grin. "Trust me. Go out there tonight, face him, tell him 'no' and mean it. Then it'll be over, and you'll never have to deal with it again. You can work up enough conviction for one 'no', can't you?"
"I wouldn't be so sure of that," he muttered, but he already knew he was going to give in. Sakura could be damned stubborn when she was doing things 'for his own good'. It was easier just to go along with her and let her have his way.
He watched in bemusement as she went through his closet methodically, picking up and discarding shirts and skirts. "Why are you going through my most attractive outfits?" he asked warily. "Are you trying to get him more interested in me?"
"Look, we both know he's the kind of guy who loves a challenge, right?" she tossed over her shoulder. Without waiting for him to agree, she continued, "He's going to chase you no matter what you show up wearing."
"I still don't see the point of making him more interested!" he objected, collapsing down to sit on his futon, watching her.
"You're in love with him, right?" she asked without bothering to turn around. He made a noise of assent, unable to really deny it. "But you're stuck having to turn him down. Which sucks, but hey, that's life. Still, wouldn't you rather he regretted having you turn him down?"
"Well..." He had to admit he could see the logic in that. If he had to turn Jinpachi down, it would be nice to have the thought that the redhead mourned the lost chance. "I suppose so."
"So, you're going to look as good as you possibly can," Sakura concluded, emerging from the closet in triumph. She was holding an outfit that Issei had bought the year before but never actually had the guts to wear; a tight black lycra spandex dress with a white oriental dragon winding over the front.
"I can't wear that!" he protested immediately, eyes wide. "I never should have bought it in the first place!"
"Why?" she wanted to know, examining it curiously. "It looked so fantastic on you!"
"Because it's so tight," he explained, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. "You know I prefer loose clothes because they hide me better." He blushed. He had a special bra that was made for women who'd had mastectomies, so he no longer had to worry about losing stuffing in the middle of the dance floor, but... there were other problems to be considered.
Seeing Sakura's stubborn look, he realized she didn't understand just what the problem was. He sighed, and elaborated. "Sakura... do you really think I could wear a skirt that tight around Jinpachi - who will no doubt be dressed to kill as well - and not have someone clue in to my secret?"
It took Sakura a second to work that through, but once she'd clued in, she blushed just as hard as Issei. "Um. Right. Okay, I can see where that would be a problem," she conceded. "But not an insurmountable one. Just a second."
She dropped the spandex dress on his bed and darted across the hall into her own room, where he heard her going through her drawers. A moment later she returned with a heavy black suede skirt. "Wear this over top, and no one will see a thing," she said, grinning as she dumped the skirt on top of the dress.
"You're determined to make me go through with this, aren't you?" he asked her with a sigh. She only grinned at him, and he rolled his eyes. "When this blows up in my face, I'm going to know exactly who to blame," he muttered, reaching for the dress and skirt. "I was going to do the sensible thing and stay home!"
Half an hour later they were walking out the door. The suede skirt was a couple inches longer than the skirt of the dress, so it really did look like he was just wearing a tight shirt, or maybe a bodysuit. Issei had to admit that the outfit looked damn good on him. Sakura had helped him with his makeup, and put his hair up in a high ponytail with two long pieces left out of the tail on either side of his face. She'd wanted to put all his hair up, but he'd pointed out that having all his hair off his face made him look more like his old self, so they'd compromised.
Sakura was wearing heels, which put her at almost the same height as him, since he was wearing pumps. They drew more than a few whistles and appreciative glances as they walked down the street towards the campus, heading for the bar district that catered to the students nearby. Each sign of admiration made Issei feel a little better about the entire situation; it always felt good to receive confirmation that he not only passed as a girl, but made a damn attractive one at that.
By the time they caught up with their friends, most of the other girls were well on their way to being drunk. Issei grabbed the one drink that he allowed himself when he went out; any more than that and he started to get drunk enough that he lost fine control over his power, and that was the last thing he wanted to do tonight.
He danced with Sakura for a while, doing his best to enjoy himself and trying to seem like he wasn't spending all his time watching nervously for some sign of Jinpachi. When they'd hit the third club on the crawl and there was still no sign of his old friend, Issei was starting to think the redhead had decided not to show up after all. He scolded himself for the sharp ache that overcame him at the thought. He didn't want to have to face Jinpachi, so he had no right to be disappointed that he wasn't going to have to.
"Looks like he's not going to be here after all," he shouted to Sakura over the pounding music. She nodded, and shrugged.
"Yeah, looks like it. Maybe he had an assignment or something." She glanced around, and gave Issei a sheepish smile. "That cute guy from my bio lab is here, you mind if I go try my luck? I'll stay with you if you'd rather not be alone...'
"No, you go ahead," he assured her. "I'll be fine, and there's no sense in both of us going home lonely tonight if we don't have to." He summoned a smile from somewhere, and it must have looked convincing, because she patted him on the shoulder and drifted away through the crowd, presumably heading towards the guy she'd set her sights on.
He danced for a little while longer by himself, but eventually he got tired of having to discourage everyone who kept trying to hit on him. Flattering as the attention was, he wasn't really in the mood for it at the moment. There was only one person he really wanted to have looking at him that way, and it was the one person he couldn't have.
The next time they changed clubs he hung back, staying off the dance floor and claiming a small table for himself instead. After a moment of debate he snagged a passing waiter and ordered another drink for himself as well; they'd been out long enough now that the effects of the first had completely worn off, so he felt safe getting another.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there when he felt a surge of interest from behind him, accompanied by a brief taste of elation. It was just enough warning for him to brace himself; a moment later Jinpachi came into view from his left, grinning at him.
"Hey," the redhead greeted him, lifting his beer in salute. "I was starting to think I'd either missed you, or you hadn't shown up after all."
Issei nodded in return, his eyes guarded as he tried to keep himself from visibly reacting in any way. The other boy was dressed in very tight jeans and a button-down tan silk shirt that hung open over a black tank top. His hair was mussed and there was sweat on his face; presumably he'd just come from dancing, but to Issei's overactive imagination, he looked more like he'd just returned from a wild bout of sex.
"I was just about to give up and go home," Issei lied, feeling his heart pounding in his throat. It wasn't fair that Jinpachi could look so damn sexy without even really trying. How was he supposed to stay level-headed and in control when faced with the object of his every fantasy, looking like he'd just stepped out of one of said fantasies?
"You can't give up now!" Jinpachi protested, waving a chiding finger at him. "We're only two clubs from the end of the crawl. It's like, sacrilege to give up now."
"I have a lot of work tomorrow," Issei insisted, ducking his head and fiddling with his bottle. "Scholarship, remember? I almost never stay to the end of the night."
"Well, then it sounds like it's about time you did," Jinpachi replied firmly. "You don't want to turn into one of those library-bound geeks, do you? C'mon, it's another hour at most. Will that really make a difference?" He paused, and when Issei said nothing, he continued, "You're not leaving because of me, are you? If you want me to get lost, all you have to do is say so, you know. I promise, I'm a big boy, I can handle a 'no', even from a girl as pretty as you."
It was the perfect opening, and Issei had been ready to take it, until Jinpachi had added that last bit. He glanced up and was caught by the sincere intensity of the other boy's eyes. It was the sort of compliment a guy like Jinpachi probably gave to every girl he pursued without really thinking about it, but damn if he didn't look like he meant every word. Issei floundered, tongue-tied.
Jinpachi chuckled, seeing the flustered look Issei was giving him. "I know, I'm a forward son of a bitch, aren't I? I keep promising myself I'll learn when to back off, but I never seem to get the hint. So, since I've already put my foot in my mouth..." He set his beer down on the table, and held a hand out towards Issei. "Dance with me? Just one dance, to be fair. So you'll know what you're turning down."
"I shouldn't," Issei murmured, staring at the offered hand like he was afraid it would snap out and hit him. His heart was pounding so fast he could hardly draw breath, and he felt dizzy.
"Why not?" Jinpachi asked reasonably, and Issei gave him a tortured look.
"Because I don't want to get my heart broken again," he almost whispered. Jinpachi had to lean in to hear him over the beat of the music, and that put them entirely too close for Issei's liking. Or not close enough, depending on how he looked at it. Oh gods, what was he thinking? He was already in over his head. He needed to say 'no' and get out of there before he went under for good.
"I've been accused of having a high opinion of my own attractiveness, but even I've never claimed to break hearts with one dance," Jinpachi laughed. "So I think you're safe to risk that much."
If you only knew, Issei thought wretchedly. Say 'no', damn it, he instructed himself harshly. Just say 'no' and get the hell out of here! You can't afford to do this, no matter how much you want to.
He looked into the beautiful eyes he'd spent so much time studying as a teenager, and he knew his heart was going to win out over his head. "All right," he heard himself say, as he reached out and took the proffered hand. "Just one dance, then I have to go. Really."
Jinpachi's face lit up with a broad grin, and Issei was lost. The defences he'd so painstakingly wrought around his heart crumbled, and he finally admitted what he'd really already known for a long time. Gyokuran, Jinpachi, or any other incarnation, this was the soul he'd been born to love, and nothing he did was ever going to change that.
He let himself be pulled onto the dance floor, and realized to his dismay that the steady stream of dance music had shifted gears into the range of slow songs, leaving people pairing off all over the dance floor. "Just my luck," Jinpachi laughed, still smiling down at him. "Now you're going to think I timed this deliberately. We can wait until the music changes again if you want."
Issei shook his head silently. The music would stay slow for at least a couple songs, and waiting would mean having to sit there with Jinpachi, talking. He didn't think his nerves could take it. Better to get it over with now, so he could bolt with a clear conscience.
And, if he was being honest with himself, the idea of having he memory of even one slow dance with Jinpachi to hold close in the long, lonely years ahead of him was more than a little appealing. The chances of a sickness or accident cutting this life as short as the last had been were slim, which meant he was going to have a long time to be alone if he didn't manage to get over Jinpachi.
He allowed the redhead to pull him close, though he was grateful that Jinpachi was careful to keep some space between their bodies. It meant he didn't have to pull away and make things awkward, but he couldn't afford to get too close. The skin contact between them was letting him pick up Jinpachi's attraction towards him, and that combined with his own shivery excitement at being held by the man he loved was causing his body to react in a predictable fashion. The heavy skirt Sakura had lent him could only do so much to cover it; if he ended up pressed close to Jinpachi, the other boy would notice eventually.
He let Jinpachi lead the dance, closing his eyes and just savouring the feel of the strong hand wrapped around his, and the redhead's arm around his waist. After a minute or so, greatly daring, he shifted slightly closer and laid his head on Jinpachi's shoulder. He heard the redhead make a slightly startled noise, before tightening his grip slightly and continuing to dance.
The beat of the music seemed to sing in his veins in time with his heartbeat, and beneath his cheek he could sense Jinpachi's heart beating as well, almost as fast as Issei's. He could feel desire rising inside the redhead, desire for him, though Jinpachi made no move to try to urge Issei into closer contact. At that moment Issei realized he'd miscalculated; as with Sakura, his ability to feel Jinpachi's lust was triggering his own. Except in this case, the outside emotion wasn't filling a lack on his part, it was feeding fuel to the fires that already existed.
"Are you all right?" Jinpachi murmured in his ear. Issei opened his eyes and pulled away slightly to look up at him quizzically, and the redhead gave him an uncertain smile. "You're shivering, but it's like a hundred degrees in here. You can't be cold."
Cold? No, he wasn't cold, he was burning up, but it had absolutely nothing to do with external temperature. "This was a mistake," he said, hardly aware he was speaking the words aloud. He tried to pull away, but Jinpachi captured his hands, holding him there. "Please, let me go. I shouldn't be doing this."
"Why not?" Jinpachi persisted, frowning. "What are you so afraid of? I won't hurt you."
"Not on purpose," Issei countered, tugging ineffectively at his captive hands. He gave Jinpachi a pleading look, and shivered again at the heat in the other boy's eyes. He cursed as he realized some of his emotions were slipping past the cracks in his shield; the soul-deep connection he'd always shared with Jinpachi was still there, and if he wasn't careful Jinpachi was going to realize that not all the emotions he was feeling were his own. If that happened, he could hardly fail to draw the correct conclusions about Issei's identity.
"You can't live your whole life running away from the possibility of being hurt," Jinpachi argued, pulling him a little closer despite Issei's token resistance. He wasn't truly forcing anything, Issei could have broken away if he'd truly wanted to, but the conflict between his head and his heart was enough to keep him from breaking Jinpachi's hold over him. "If you do, you'll never really live at all."
"I don't have a choice," Issei replied, not even sure what they were talking about any more. They'd stopped dancing and were just standing there in the middle of the crowd, Jinpachi leaning down towards him to hear him over the music, and they were far too close together for Issei's peace of mind. He was finding it hard to think about anything except how much he wished he dared to lean up and feel Jinpachi's lips against his in a kiss as willing as the one they'd shared in high school had been unwilling.
Perhaps subconsciously picking up on Issei's desire, Jinpachi closed the distance between them. Before Issei could do more than make a faint protesting noise they were kissing, an embrace as hot as it was sweet. The slow burn of it scorched them both, emotions running high as Issei's empathy picked up what they were both feeling and threatened to turn it into a feedback loop.
The moment Jinpachi's mouth closed over his, Issei knew his relationship with Sakura had been doomed from the start. What he'd felt kissing her was nothing compared to the way this felt, and the difference in intensity was almost mind shattering. Jinpachi released his hands, but Issei was only able to raise them to clutch helplessly at the taller boy's shoulders, needing the anchor to keep him fastened to reality. Otherwise he felt like he might burn up and drift away, reduced to nothing more than emotion and need.
Some part of him was vaguely aware of the wolf whistles they were drawing; university bar or not, this was still Japan, and public displays like this were unusual. At that moment, Issei really couldn't have cared less. Jinpachi was kissing him the way Issei had always dreamed of being kissed, the way even Gyokuran had never kissed Enju; as if there was nothing more he wanted to be doing at that moment than kissing the person he was holding. There was nothing he could sense that indicated Jinpachi was using him as a replacement of any kind; the redhead wanted him, and him alone.
Except, of course, that it wasn't Issei that Jinpachi wanted, it was Isako. This kiss was no more real than the ones Gyokuran had shared with Enju, pretending the empath was Mokuren. It was still an illusion, passion fostered by a lie, and if the truth were brought into the light of day, the passion would vanish like the mirage it was.
That thought allowed Issei to break free of the spell at last, and he pulled away, gasping for air. He almost fell, dizzy with emotion, and only Jinpachi's strong hands on his shoulders kept him from going over.
"Don't," he begged, shifting his grip on Jinpachi's shoulders so he could push against the other boy, buying more distance between them. "Please, don't. I can't do this."
"What is it?" Jinpachi asked, sounding confused. "Nakayama-san, I don't understand. You enjoyed that as much as I did..."
"I just can't!" Issei exclaimed, breaking free at last. He gave Jinpachi one last tortured look, his eyes filled with tears, before he bowed deeply in apology. "Forgive me. I didn't intend to lead you on. Please don't let this happen again."
With that he turned and fled, dodging through the crowd, ignoring Jinpachi's half-shouted protest behind him. If he stayed another moment, even to try to explain, he'd only break down and do something stupid, like try to kiss Jinpachi again. And it was pretty obvious at this point that Jinpachi wasn't likely to stop him.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? he thought bleakly as he ran, trying to see through the tears in his eyes. Why can't I just learn from my mistakes? Am I going to spend the rest of this life running away every time I encounter him? If there was a better answer, he hoped he would find it soon, before his heart shattered completely beyond repair.
Issei lay sprawled over his futon, hugging the pillow to his chest, his eyes fastened on the digital clock on the floor beside him. It read three minutes to seven in the evening; their friends would be arriving any minute to collect Sakura and him for the pub crawl.
He should have been spending at least the last hour getting ready for the night out. He didn't get out very often, needing to spend insane amounts of time studying to keep his grades up, and when he did go out he tended to take advantage of the free time to really cut loose.
Tonight, however, he'd simply collapsed onto his bed the moment he returned from classes, and stayed there. He'd spent the whole week debating whether or not he was going to back out of this, given that he was certain Jinpachi was going to be there. He'd changed his mind a dozen times already, wavering between wanting to see his friend again, and being afraid that any further contact would only lead to the redhead recognizing him.
Nor did he want to lead Jinpachi on, make him think that Issei was interested in a relationship. Not that he wasn't... Sarjareem knew, Issei had wanted nothing else for so long that having the possibility dangled before him now was almost torture.
But even if he could somehow pull off hiding his identity from Jinpachi, he'd only end up hurting them both, badly. Physically Issei was still a hundred percent male, and he had no intentions of changing that any time soon. Although he'd eventually gotten over Jinpachi enough to be able to enjoy the flattering attention other males paid to 'Isako', he'd never dared get involved in anything other than flirting.
He didn't think Jinpachi was the type of person who would get upset enough to hurt him upon discovering that the pretty 'girl' he'd been flirting with was actually a boy, but he couldn't be sure. You could never be completely sure how someone would react, until it happened. And whether or not he got violent, Jinpachi would be hurt and shaken by the discovery. Issei had no desire to put his friend through something like that.
And even if, by some miracle, he managed to keep things light and break it off before Jinpachi realized the truth, he'd still end up breaking his own heart over the handsome redhead all over again. Enju had been hurt by Gyokuran's persistent infatuation with Mokuren; Issei had been crushed by Jinpachi's rejection of him in high school. If it happened a third time, he didn't think he could bear it.
The doorbell rang, and Sakura called "I'll get it!" as she thundered down the hall in her sock feet. He heard the door open and the sound of feminine giggling; it sounded like at least a couple of the crowd had gotten a head start on their drinking.
He rolled over and buried his face in the pillow, closing his eyes. Well, that was it. The act of indecision had caused the decision to be made; he wasn't ready, so he wasn't going. He was female enough at heart not to want to be seen in jeans and a t-shirt for a night on the town.
"Isako? Hurry up, we're leaving!" Sakura called from the main room. Issei curled into a slightly tighter ball around his pillow.
"I'm not going!" he shouted back in return. "I've... I've got too much homework to do. You guys have fun without me." If he'd wanted to be truly convincing he should have gone out to the main room and looked glum about being stuck studying while everyone else was out having fun, but he wasn't a good enough actor to be sure he could pull it off.
There was an exclamation of surprise from the main room, and he mentally willed Sakura to just accept it and go out. To his dismay, he heard her footsteps heading back towards the bedrooms.
He sat up and quickly scrambled for his bag, yanking out the first textbook he came to an throwing it open on his bed, flopping down in front of it as if he was studying. Not a moment too soon; Sakura knocked briefly before opening the door just as he was settled again.
"I thought you were going to make an effort to get all your work done early this week so you could come out with us?" she asked, dismayed.
"I had a paper assigned in my last class today," Issei lied, keeping his eyes on the textbook. He could lie convincingly to anybody else, but she knew him too well. If she could see his eyes, she'd know something was wrong. "It's due on Monday, I need to get started right away."
She was silent for a long moment, and he tightened his shields a bit, making sure nothing was leaking out to give him away. "That might be a little more convincing if you weren't reading the textbook for the one class you and I share," she pointed out dryly. "Upside down, at that."
Actually focusing his eyes on the book, he groaned as he realized she was right. Not only was it upside down, not only was Sakura well aware that they didn't have any unexpected assignments in that class, they hadn't even had a lecture for that class today. He had the text in his bag because he'd been reading ahead at lunch today.
"So you want to tell me what's really going on?" she asked, as he gave in and looked up at her. He grimaced. He hadn't told Sakura about the second meeting with Jinpachi earlier that week; not from any real desire to hide it from her, but because they really didn't see much of each other, despite living in the same apartment, unless they made time for it. Like this night out they'd planned for tonight.
"Jinpachi's going to be there," he admitted, pulling his knees to his chest and hugging them tightly. "I ran into him at the cafe the other day after you went to your lab. He asked me to go with him tonight; I turned him down, but I did it by telling him I'd already planned to go with you and the others."
"Ohhh, shit," Sakura said with feeling, giving him a sympathetic look. "You just have the worst luck, don't you?" He nodded, and she backed out of the room, shaking her head.
He thought that was the end of it... until he heard her telling the others to go on ahead, that they'd meet up with the group later. He bolted to his feet and went to the door of his room, staring at her as she closed the main door behind their friends. "Sakura!" he protested, his voice breaking slightly. "What are you doing? I'm not going!"
"Oh yes you are," she countered, turning and giving him a scolding look. "You can't just hide in here, Issei. Are you planning to skip class from now on, too?"
"No, of course not," he said, wincing. The truth was, he wished he dared to do exactly that, but he couldn't afford to miss that many classes if he wanted to keep his scholarship. "But seeing him in class is different from going to a bar where he's going to be waiting for me! With my luck, given the way I turned him down, he probably thinks I was just being coy or playing hard to get!"
He realized his voice was starting to rise hysterically when she came over and gripped his shoulders, shaking him slightly. "It's okay! Issei, he's not the sort of person to pursue someone after she's said 'no'. So, just tell him 'no', outright, and he'll back off. You know that!"
He gave her a despairing look. "It's telling him 'no' that's the hard part, Sakura! I'm not sure I can do it convincingly." Not when his heart was begging him to say 'yes'. He doubted he'd be able to put enough conviction into the refusal to make it seem like anything but more 'hard to get' coyness.
She studied his eyes for a moment, then sighed. "You still love him, don't you?" she asked softly. He nodded miserably. "After all this time... I thought you'd gotten over him."
"I thought so, too," he replied "Right up until the moment I saw him again and my heart jumped into my throat."
"Well, you still can't run from him forever," she asserted, dropping her hand to grab his wrist. She tugged him back into his room. "You're going to get dressed, and you're going to go out tonight, just like we'd planned. The last thing you want to do is let his presence dictate your life, Issei."
"This is a really bad idea," Issei asserted, dragging his feet. "Beyond bad. Horrible. Sakura, why are you doing this to me?"
"You're doing this to yourself," she told him with a quick grin. "Trust me. Go out there tonight, face him, tell him 'no' and mean it. Then it'll be over, and you'll never have to deal with it again. You can work up enough conviction for one 'no', can't you?"
"I wouldn't be so sure of that," he muttered, but he already knew he was going to give in. Sakura could be damned stubborn when she was doing things 'for his own good'. It was easier just to go along with her and let her have his way.
He watched in bemusement as she went through his closet methodically, picking up and discarding shirts and skirts. "Why are you going through my most attractive outfits?" he asked warily. "Are you trying to get him more interested in me?"
"Look, we both know he's the kind of guy who loves a challenge, right?" she tossed over her shoulder. Without waiting for him to agree, she continued, "He's going to chase you no matter what you show up wearing."
"I still don't see the point of making him more interested!" he objected, collapsing down to sit on his futon, watching her.
"You're in love with him, right?" she asked without bothering to turn around. He made a noise of assent, unable to really deny it. "But you're stuck having to turn him down. Which sucks, but hey, that's life. Still, wouldn't you rather he regretted having you turn him down?"
"Well..." He had to admit he could see the logic in that. If he had to turn Jinpachi down, it would be nice to have the thought that the redhead mourned the lost chance. "I suppose so."
"So, you're going to look as good as you possibly can," Sakura concluded, emerging from the closet in triumph. She was holding an outfit that Issei had bought the year before but never actually had the guts to wear; a tight black lycra spandex dress with a white oriental dragon winding over the front.
"I can't wear that!" he protested immediately, eyes wide. "I never should have bought it in the first place!"
"Why?" she wanted to know, examining it curiously. "It looked so fantastic on you!"
"Because it's so tight," he explained, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. "You know I prefer loose clothes because they hide me better." He blushed. He had a special bra that was made for women who'd had mastectomies, so he no longer had to worry about losing stuffing in the middle of the dance floor, but... there were other problems to be considered.
Seeing Sakura's stubborn look, he realized she didn't understand just what the problem was. He sighed, and elaborated. "Sakura... do you really think I could wear a skirt that tight around Jinpachi - who will no doubt be dressed to kill as well - and not have someone clue in to my secret?"
It took Sakura a second to work that through, but once she'd clued in, she blushed just as hard as Issei. "Um. Right. Okay, I can see where that would be a problem," she conceded. "But not an insurmountable one. Just a second."
She dropped the spandex dress on his bed and darted across the hall into her own room, where he heard her going through her drawers. A moment later she returned with a heavy black suede skirt. "Wear this over top, and no one will see a thing," she said, grinning as she dumped the skirt on top of the dress.
"You're determined to make me go through with this, aren't you?" he asked her with a sigh. She only grinned at him, and he rolled his eyes. "When this blows up in my face, I'm going to know exactly who to blame," he muttered, reaching for the dress and skirt. "I was going to do the sensible thing and stay home!"
Half an hour later they were walking out the door. The suede skirt was a couple inches longer than the skirt of the dress, so it really did look like he was just wearing a tight shirt, or maybe a bodysuit. Issei had to admit that the outfit looked damn good on him. Sakura had helped him with his makeup, and put his hair up in a high ponytail with two long pieces left out of the tail on either side of his face. She'd wanted to put all his hair up, but he'd pointed out that having all his hair off his face made him look more like his old self, so they'd compromised.
Sakura was wearing heels, which put her at almost the same height as him, since he was wearing pumps. They drew more than a few whistles and appreciative glances as they walked down the street towards the campus, heading for the bar district that catered to the students nearby. Each sign of admiration made Issei feel a little better about the entire situation; it always felt good to receive confirmation that he not only passed as a girl, but made a damn attractive one at that.
By the time they caught up with their friends, most of the other girls were well on their way to being drunk. Issei grabbed the one drink that he allowed himself when he went out; any more than that and he started to get drunk enough that he lost fine control over his power, and that was the last thing he wanted to do tonight.
He danced with Sakura for a while, doing his best to enjoy himself and trying to seem like he wasn't spending all his time watching nervously for some sign of Jinpachi. When they'd hit the third club on the crawl and there was still no sign of his old friend, Issei was starting to think the redhead had decided not to show up after all. He scolded himself for the sharp ache that overcame him at the thought. He didn't want to have to face Jinpachi, so he had no right to be disappointed that he wasn't going to have to.
"Looks like he's not going to be here after all," he shouted to Sakura over the pounding music. She nodded, and shrugged.
"Yeah, looks like it. Maybe he had an assignment or something." She glanced around, and gave Issei a sheepish smile. "That cute guy from my bio lab is here, you mind if I go try my luck? I'll stay with you if you'd rather not be alone...'
"No, you go ahead," he assured her. "I'll be fine, and there's no sense in both of us going home lonely tonight if we don't have to." He summoned a smile from somewhere, and it must have looked convincing, because she patted him on the shoulder and drifted away through the crowd, presumably heading towards the guy she'd set her sights on.
He danced for a little while longer by himself, but eventually he got tired of having to discourage everyone who kept trying to hit on him. Flattering as the attention was, he wasn't really in the mood for it at the moment. There was only one person he really wanted to have looking at him that way, and it was the one person he couldn't have.
The next time they changed clubs he hung back, staying off the dance floor and claiming a small table for himself instead. After a moment of debate he snagged a passing waiter and ordered another drink for himself as well; they'd been out long enough now that the effects of the first had completely worn off, so he felt safe getting another.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there when he felt a surge of interest from behind him, accompanied by a brief taste of elation. It was just enough warning for him to brace himself; a moment later Jinpachi came into view from his left, grinning at him.
"Hey," the redhead greeted him, lifting his beer in salute. "I was starting to think I'd either missed you, or you hadn't shown up after all."
Issei nodded in return, his eyes guarded as he tried to keep himself from visibly reacting in any way. The other boy was dressed in very tight jeans and a button-down tan silk shirt that hung open over a black tank top. His hair was mussed and there was sweat on his face; presumably he'd just come from dancing, but to Issei's overactive imagination, he looked more like he'd just returned from a wild bout of sex.
"I was just about to give up and go home," Issei lied, feeling his heart pounding in his throat. It wasn't fair that Jinpachi could look so damn sexy without even really trying. How was he supposed to stay level-headed and in control when faced with the object of his every fantasy, looking like he'd just stepped out of one of said fantasies?
"You can't give up now!" Jinpachi protested, waving a chiding finger at him. "We're only two clubs from the end of the crawl. It's like, sacrilege to give up now."
"I have a lot of work tomorrow," Issei insisted, ducking his head and fiddling with his bottle. "Scholarship, remember? I almost never stay to the end of the night."
"Well, then it sounds like it's about time you did," Jinpachi replied firmly. "You don't want to turn into one of those library-bound geeks, do you? C'mon, it's another hour at most. Will that really make a difference?" He paused, and when Issei said nothing, he continued, "You're not leaving because of me, are you? If you want me to get lost, all you have to do is say so, you know. I promise, I'm a big boy, I can handle a 'no', even from a girl as pretty as you."
It was the perfect opening, and Issei had been ready to take it, until Jinpachi had added that last bit. He glanced up and was caught by the sincere intensity of the other boy's eyes. It was the sort of compliment a guy like Jinpachi probably gave to every girl he pursued without really thinking about it, but damn if he didn't look like he meant every word. Issei floundered, tongue-tied.
Jinpachi chuckled, seeing the flustered look Issei was giving him. "I know, I'm a forward son of a bitch, aren't I? I keep promising myself I'll learn when to back off, but I never seem to get the hint. So, since I've already put my foot in my mouth..." He set his beer down on the table, and held a hand out towards Issei. "Dance with me? Just one dance, to be fair. So you'll know what you're turning down."
"I shouldn't," Issei murmured, staring at the offered hand like he was afraid it would snap out and hit him. His heart was pounding so fast he could hardly draw breath, and he felt dizzy.
"Why not?" Jinpachi asked reasonably, and Issei gave him a tortured look.
"Because I don't want to get my heart broken again," he almost whispered. Jinpachi had to lean in to hear him over the beat of the music, and that put them entirely too close for Issei's liking. Or not close enough, depending on how he looked at it. Oh gods, what was he thinking? He was already in over his head. He needed to say 'no' and get out of there before he went under for good.
"I've been accused of having a high opinion of my own attractiveness, but even I've never claimed to break hearts with one dance," Jinpachi laughed. "So I think you're safe to risk that much."
If you only knew, Issei thought wretchedly. Say 'no', damn it, he instructed himself harshly. Just say 'no' and get the hell out of here! You can't afford to do this, no matter how much you want to.
He looked into the beautiful eyes he'd spent so much time studying as a teenager, and he knew his heart was going to win out over his head. "All right," he heard himself say, as he reached out and took the proffered hand. "Just one dance, then I have to go. Really."
Jinpachi's face lit up with a broad grin, and Issei was lost. The defences he'd so painstakingly wrought around his heart crumbled, and he finally admitted what he'd really already known for a long time. Gyokuran, Jinpachi, or any other incarnation, this was the soul he'd been born to love, and nothing he did was ever going to change that.
He let himself be pulled onto the dance floor, and realized to his dismay that the steady stream of dance music had shifted gears into the range of slow songs, leaving people pairing off all over the dance floor. "Just my luck," Jinpachi laughed, still smiling down at him. "Now you're going to think I timed this deliberately. We can wait until the music changes again if you want."
Issei shook his head silently. The music would stay slow for at least a couple songs, and waiting would mean having to sit there with Jinpachi, talking. He didn't think his nerves could take it. Better to get it over with now, so he could bolt with a clear conscience.
And, if he was being honest with himself, the idea of having he memory of even one slow dance with Jinpachi to hold close in the long, lonely years ahead of him was more than a little appealing. The chances of a sickness or accident cutting this life as short as the last had been were slim, which meant he was going to have a long time to be alone if he didn't manage to get over Jinpachi.
He allowed the redhead to pull him close, though he was grateful that Jinpachi was careful to keep some space between their bodies. It meant he didn't have to pull away and make things awkward, but he couldn't afford to get too close. The skin contact between them was letting him pick up Jinpachi's attraction towards him, and that combined with his own shivery excitement at being held by the man he loved was causing his body to react in a predictable fashion. The heavy skirt Sakura had lent him could only do so much to cover it; if he ended up pressed close to Jinpachi, the other boy would notice eventually.
He let Jinpachi lead the dance, closing his eyes and just savouring the feel of the strong hand wrapped around his, and the redhead's arm around his waist. After a minute or so, greatly daring, he shifted slightly closer and laid his head on Jinpachi's shoulder. He heard the redhead make a slightly startled noise, before tightening his grip slightly and continuing to dance.
The beat of the music seemed to sing in his veins in time with his heartbeat, and beneath his cheek he could sense Jinpachi's heart beating as well, almost as fast as Issei's. He could feel desire rising inside the redhead, desire for him, though Jinpachi made no move to try to urge Issei into closer contact. At that moment Issei realized he'd miscalculated; as with Sakura, his ability to feel Jinpachi's lust was triggering his own. Except in this case, the outside emotion wasn't filling a lack on his part, it was feeding fuel to the fires that already existed.
"Are you all right?" Jinpachi murmured in his ear. Issei opened his eyes and pulled away slightly to look up at him quizzically, and the redhead gave him an uncertain smile. "You're shivering, but it's like a hundred degrees in here. You can't be cold."
Cold? No, he wasn't cold, he was burning up, but it had absolutely nothing to do with external temperature. "This was a mistake," he said, hardly aware he was speaking the words aloud. He tried to pull away, but Jinpachi captured his hands, holding him there. "Please, let me go. I shouldn't be doing this."
"Why not?" Jinpachi persisted, frowning. "What are you so afraid of? I won't hurt you."
"Not on purpose," Issei countered, tugging ineffectively at his captive hands. He gave Jinpachi a pleading look, and shivered again at the heat in the other boy's eyes. He cursed as he realized some of his emotions were slipping past the cracks in his shield; the soul-deep connection he'd always shared with Jinpachi was still there, and if he wasn't careful Jinpachi was going to realize that not all the emotions he was feeling were his own. If that happened, he could hardly fail to draw the correct conclusions about Issei's identity.
"You can't live your whole life running away from the possibility of being hurt," Jinpachi argued, pulling him a little closer despite Issei's token resistance. He wasn't truly forcing anything, Issei could have broken away if he'd truly wanted to, but the conflict between his head and his heart was enough to keep him from breaking Jinpachi's hold over him. "If you do, you'll never really live at all."
"I don't have a choice," Issei replied, not even sure what they were talking about any more. They'd stopped dancing and were just standing there in the middle of the crowd, Jinpachi leaning down towards him to hear him over the music, and they were far too close together for Issei's peace of mind. He was finding it hard to think about anything except how much he wished he dared to lean up and feel Jinpachi's lips against his in a kiss as willing as the one they'd shared in high school had been unwilling.
Perhaps subconsciously picking up on Issei's desire, Jinpachi closed the distance between them. Before Issei could do more than make a faint protesting noise they were kissing, an embrace as hot as it was sweet. The slow burn of it scorched them both, emotions running high as Issei's empathy picked up what they were both feeling and threatened to turn it into a feedback loop.
The moment Jinpachi's mouth closed over his, Issei knew his relationship with Sakura had been doomed from the start. What he'd felt kissing her was nothing compared to the way this felt, and the difference in intensity was almost mind shattering. Jinpachi released his hands, but Issei was only able to raise them to clutch helplessly at the taller boy's shoulders, needing the anchor to keep him fastened to reality. Otherwise he felt like he might burn up and drift away, reduced to nothing more than emotion and need.
Some part of him was vaguely aware of the wolf whistles they were drawing; university bar or not, this was still Japan, and public displays like this were unusual. At that moment, Issei really couldn't have cared less. Jinpachi was kissing him the way Issei had always dreamed of being kissed, the way even Gyokuran had never kissed Enju; as if there was nothing more he wanted to be doing at that moment than kissing the person he was holding. There was nothing he could sense that indicated Jinpachi was using him as a replacement of any kind; the redhead wanted him, and him alone.
Except, of course, that it wasn't Issei that Jinpachi wanted, it was Isako. This kiss was no more real than the ones Gyokuran had shared with Enju, pretending the empath was Mokuren. It was still an illusion, passion fostered by a lie, and if the truth were brought into the light of day, the passion would vanish like the mirage it was.
That thought allowed Issei to break free of the spell at last, and he pulled away, gasping for air. He almost fell, dizzy with emotion, and only Jinpachi's strong hands on his shoulders kept him from going over.
"Don't," he begged, shifting his grip on Jinpachi's shoulders so he could push against the other boy, buying more distance between them. "Please, don't. I can't do this."
"What is it?" Jinpachi asked, sounding confused. "Nakayama-san, I don't understand. You enjoyed that as much as I did..."
"I just can't!" Issei exclaimed, breaking free at last. He gave Jinpachi one last tortured look, his eyes filled with tears, before he bowed deeply in apology. "Forgive me. I didn't intend to lead you on. Please don't let this happen again."
With that he turned and fled, dodging through the crowd, ignoring Jinpachi's half-shouted protest behind him. If he stayed another moment, even to try to explain, he'd only break down and do something stupid, like try to kiss Jinpachi again. And it was pretty obvious at this point that Jinpachi wasn't likely to stop him.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? he thought bleakly as he ran, trying to see through the tears in his eyes. Why can't I just learn from my mistakes? Am I going to spend the rest of this life running away every time I encounter him? If there was a better answer, he hoped he would find it soon, before his heart shattered completely beyond repair.