Disclaimer: Dante, Trish, Vergil, Lucia, Lady, Arius, Jester and Mundus do not belong to me. They belong to Capcom. Reiko and Arson and all others who have never been in any of the games all belong to me. And I am free to torture them as I so please. BWAHAHA!

And no, Lilo and Stitch does not belong to me but I think it's a good film to watch at Christmas for some odd reason.

No characters were harmed during the production of this fic. Howevery my tendon was pulled in my left wrist.

Never cross a pissy vampire.

I'm joking.

But it's still a good idea not to.

Just a note to say that this is one hell of a long read, so I'm going to try and make this easier for everyone by splitting it up into smaller pieces or rather, chapters. It was originally going to be a one shot but I just couldn't end it so quickly somehow. Also, this takes place after the events of Devil May Cry 2.

I have to apologize but they demanded to be included. Hence Arson and Reiko, my two original characters, are also in this fic, though they don't really play that huge a role. Compromise for those who hate OCs, and for those who love OCs.

Also, leave me alone, this fic is OOC! OOC! HUGELY OUT OF CHARACTER! Vergil for example is one mean brute who doesn't understand the concept of giving people Christmas presents, as you shall soon see.

I've tried to make this fic as enjoyable for everyone as it was a joy for me to write it.

Thus, I've tried to cater to the tastes of those who love OCs, hate OCs, love yaoi, hate yaoi, love Dante/Vergil pairings, hate Dante/Vergil pairings. You get the relative picture.

Also, I have nothing against little old ladies, or "A Christmas Carol" or Lucia. I have nothing against anyone or anything, I've simply used anything and everything I can think of and just shoved it all into here in a huge bubble and squeak of a fic.

So now it comes to the main event. I bring to you the unlikely combination of angst and comedy. Serious style writing, with a tinge of humour, or humorous writing with a bucketful of angst. Or something. Geh…

Hope you all like this fic!

And please, lend your support. I worked really hard on this with everyone in mind. (grins)

I have to thank my friends for being by my side for the whole of the last year 2005.

So now, on the 1st January, I bring you my very first fic of the year. Exciting, right? Also, any person that gives me a review can also request a fic from me. Any pairing, any style.

Just a small reward for supporting me throughout my time at the site. And a small reward for giving me reviews for my first fic of 2006. If I get any reviews that is.

Meh.

Read, review if you want to…

But most importantly, friends…

Enjoy.

Chapter 1 – We Three Things of a Funny Farm

The time of Advent had arrived, and it seemed that the whole world had been thrown into a state of chaos. Trees were hastily being bought and sold, food lists were being hurriedly created as mothers everywhere sat at the kitchen table trying to plan the perfect Christmas meal. It appeared that even Trish had picked up on the frantic festive mood as she scribbled busily onto various bits of paper.

'Box of tissues…Christmas crackers…tinsel…vegetables…starters and snacks…crisps…mince pies…pudding…turkey…' And so the list went on. 'Breaded Onion rings…crispy curly fries…' she intoned to herself, completely preoccupied. Dante sat at the kitchen table, watching her through narrowed eyes, a sour look on his face. 'Those dishwasher things…two other thingies…eggs, juice, Ribena, milk…biscuits…'

'Cookies,' Dante corrected promptly.

'Biscuits!' Trish looked up at him and noticed the surly face. 'What's up with you?'

'Nothing,' came the moody reply. Normally, Trish would have picked up on his sullen mood and would have been far more attentive. However, Christmas Fever had her in its deadly grasp and was not about to let go. So it was that Trish was rendered completely oblivious and carried on with her list enthusiastically.

'Christmas Presents!' she cried happily. 'One for Dante, one for Arson, one for Reiko, one for Vergil, one for Lady, one for Lucia…aaaaaaaaand one for Mundus!'

'Mundus!'

'Well he was my boss at one point. I'm trying to keep up good relations, I'm trying to become friends. Most other people around here try to stay in touch with their former bosses. At least, that's what I've learnt from over-hearing the neighbours.' Dante could only stare at her blankly, vaguely wondering whether he should try and explain to her why it wasn't a good idea trying to send Mundus a Christmas present. Then he saw the shopping list again and he decided against it, feeling too mentally exhausted to undertake a huge task like that. Instead, he snorted.

'Don't bother getting me a present.'

'Why not?'

'Just…' Dante flailed his arms about by way of answer.

'Just what?' At that point the conversation was interrupted by the sound of the door slamming open. There was a sudden gust of wind that blew at them viciously. Then another gust of chill this time entered the room and flopped down in one of the wooden kitchen chairs, forcing it to creak alarmingly.

'Hello Vergil!' Trish sang cheerfully. A scathing look was what she got at first as Vergil turned his sight towards her.

'Bah!' he replied. Trish smiled at him indulgently, rather like how a mother would gaze upon her most spoilt son.

'Do you want some gingerbread men?' she asked, reaching into the oven and placing a freshly baked batch down in front of them. Vergil grinned and reached out for one but promptly burnt his hand.

'Bah!' he said moodily, glaring at the offensive treat. Dante waited for them to cool before munching on one thoughtfully.

'You know, I always feel bad when I eat these. It's mean, eating their limbs, then their torsos before finally eating their heads. It's almost cannibalistic!' Vergil stared at his brother in surprise, his mouth hanging slightly open. Usually, he was the thoughtful one. Determined not to be outdone by the younger twin, he savagely bit off the head of one of the sugary treats and chewed forcefully.

'They are biscuits, Dante,' he said, spraying crumbs everywhere. 'They have no feelings. Besides, I gain much pleasure from eating them. They make me feel powerful!' Dante stared at him in open horror.

'My brother is a cannibal…' he whimpered, traumatized.

Vergil decided to honour this statement with a scornful laugh. Trish immediately began clattering pots and pans together loudly, distracting them both.

'Simmer down you two!' she bellowed. The twins immediately pouted and watched as Trish stuffed a rotting head into a box. Nonplussed, they stared as Trish closed the box and began wrapping up this monstrosity with something even more terrifying. Power Ranger wrapping paper.

'What on earth is that?' Vergil said, looking at the wrapping techniques in open disgust. Trish beamed at him.

'It's Mundus' Christmas present,' she explained patiently. Vergil snorted into his cup of hot milk before looking up at her mockingly, a milky white moustache decorating his upper lip, matching his silvery hair perfectly.

'Well done, Trish,' he began, an awful sense of disdain flooding his voice. 'Destroy half of the Underworld by sending a Christmas card and a present to its darkest confines!' Vergil laughed again, a bitter sound. Dante allowed a slight smile to grace his own features. Trish blinked, merely looking confused.

'What are you talking about?'

'Christmas is a festival that is holy, that celebrates the birth of who Christians call Jesus.' Vergil said, trying to keep his tone patient when talking to this inferior being.

'Jesus? Isn't that a Spanish name?' Trish asked at that point.

'JEE-SUS! Not "Hey-soos"!' Dante yelled at the top of his voice, looking utterly scandalized.

'Oh…'

'God,' Dante grumbled to himself, rolling his eyes upwards to the heavens. Vergil smirked at him.

'What's wrong, little brother? In a bad mood again? And I wonder why that would be, eh?' Dante glared at him silently. Trish caught Vergil's attention at that point by asking him another question.

'So Christmas is all about celebrating the birth of Jesus?'

'More or less, yes.'

'I thought it was just a happy time where we give people presents and we get some in return!' Vergil blinked as Trish continued. 'I thought it was a festival where it encourages people to be kind and charitable and stuff.'

'I guess you could say that too,' Vergil muttered, looking a little apprehensive, wondering what was coming next. He did not have to wait long.

'Well, if that's the case, why would I be destroying the Underworld if I gave Mundus a present?' Trish asked, her tone earnest, her eyes alight with curiosity. Dante reached out silently for another gingerbread man, refusing to answer Trish's question. Vergil, always eager to educate what he considered to be stupid, drew himself up to his full height and cleared his throat.

'Devils and demons are meant stereotypically to spread hatred, disease, death and just general havoc and evil. So something as kind as giving a full-blooded demon or devil a Christmas present would make them confused. Demons aren't the brightest of creatures, unlike Devils, they need all their wits about them in order to survive. So, if doing something kind makes a demon confused, do you know what you get?' Vergil looked at Trish expectantly, with the air of a maths teacher waiting for an exceptionally dim student of nine years of age to give the answer to 2+2. When Trish next spoke, she sounded suitably sheepish.

'No…' Vergil sighed and shook his head in a way that simply screamed of long-suffering, which was ironic considering Dante had been living with Trish for the past ten years. If Trish still hadn't grasped the concept by now, then it seemed that she never really would. Still, Vergil thought to himself, he had embarked on the lesson and it was up to him to finish it.

'You get a demon that is utterly incapable of living. Or you get a Devil that is so horrified by the charitable deed that they spontaneously combust.' He paused at that point. 'It's such a shame that it does not also hold true for humans. It would certainly make the world a lot more bearable.' And with that, he stole the gingerbread man from Dante's grasp and crammed it into his mouth, watching Dante with a fiendishly malicious glare. Dante stared at him and made a little pathetic sound as he watched Vergil eat his purloined biscuit in dismay. His eyes began to well up with tears.

'Trish!' he bellowed. Trish turned away from where she was putting another tray of 'men into the oven to bake. 'Trish!' Dante cried again in added distress. Trish sighed in frustration before bustling over to the two.

'Now what, Dante?' she sighed, obviously frustrated, not that either of the boys noticed. Vergil continued to stare smugly at his younger twin.

'Ooooooh! Is ickle Dantekins telling on meeeeee?' he whined, forcing his voice to become high-pitched, making it rise and fall in a mocking sing-song tone. 'Yeah that's right, tell Mommy Dante-Wante snugglie-poo! Go crying to MOMMY!' Vergil taunted.

'Yeah well at least I don't have a milk moustache!' Dante retorted, standing up as quick as a flash and stamping his foot in petulant anger. The younger watched in satisfaction as the older gasped and flushed red with embarrassment. He quickly wiped it off, trying to appear as refined as possible, using a handkerchief that had gold piping delicately lacing the edges. What poor Vergil didn't know was that Trish and Dante secretly thought that the whole napkin thing was really far from refined. It was simply, poncey, as far as they were concerned. The two weren't quite sure what their other friends thought on the matter. Dante didn't care too much at any rate right now; Vergil had stolen his food from his very hand and he was pissed off. The holiday was already crummy enough without Vergil coming to wreck the good parts. It was then that Dante realized he had made his first ever pun. He took a few seconds to allow himself to feel proud before returning to the matter at hand. Trish was standing between them, glaring from one to the other. The smug look had all but disappeared from Vergil's face. Dante could still see traces of it in his cobalt blue eyes but even so, Dante couldn't help but notice that his older twin was beginning to look somewhat afraid. Dante gave a quick glance towards Trish and immediately began to feel fearful himself. Her eyes had turned into a wild orange colour as she began to ready herself, preparing to transform. Vergil quickly muttered an apology and sat down, watching Trish warily. Dante managed to snaffle the gingerbread man out of Vergil's grip and quickly shoved it into his mouth. Sweet justice. Vergil could do nothing but glare at him angrily, not daring to do a single thing while Trish towered over them. Trish smiled to herself as the two boys calmed down. Sometimes it was a real bonus, looking like Eva. She didn't feel any type of attraction towards the twins, just an overwhelming desire to look after them. She paused as she felt Dante tug on the sleeve of her black jumper, threatening to stretch it out of shape.

'Trish?' he began to whine, 'Trish? When is Lady coming over?' he demanded. Trish rolled her eyes and prayed for strength, in the fashion that all mothers have used at some point or another throughout their lives.

'Soon, darling, soon,' she promised without really knowing the answer.

'Good, because Vergil keeps hogging all the gingerbreads to himself!' Dante burst out indignantly. Trish whirled around, her patience finally snapping at Dante's childish behaviour. Enough was enough, she was tired of being motherly for now!

'Dante! How old are you?' she growled. Dante narrowed his eyes.

'I'm guessing that I'm about forty or so.'

'You're guessing?' Trish squawked, her eyebrows trying to fly right off her face, such was her surprise.

'Well yes,' Vergil said, unexpectedly rising to his brother's defence. 'Nothing is certain. We don't even know whether Dante is an alcoholic! I mean, at one point he's glugging down bottle after bottle of beer and the next he's drinking nothing but cans of tomato juice!'

'Yeah…the manga crapped up a lot of stuff and made some things really confused,' Dante sighed softly. 'But I know that I was definitely 19 when Temen-Ni-Gru was erected!' Dante finished happily. Vergil started giggling to himself.

'Erected…heh heh…' Dante and Trish knew better than to say anything regarding Vergil's laughing at naughty words or vague double-entendres. Dante had been in the human world for all of his life and had reached this phase and had passed through it until he reached the age of twenty, saw that he had a two in his age acting as the first digit and immediately began to feel too old. That was about the same time when all the "WHOOOOHOOOOOO"s came to a blessed end. Vergil however hadn't been quite so lucky and hadn't been able to develop in the normal fashion, never being able to experience such phases. Instead he went through the markedly different phase of wanting to cause as much destruction as was possible. Now that he was back in the human realm though, he was beginning to resume development as normal but at a very late stage. Dante considered himself very generous in not allowing himself to use this as ammunition against Vergil. Still, sometimes it was all he could do not to tease his unsuspecting brother. Trish sighed and turned away, hoping to actually get somewhere with the washing up. Dante blinked before looking at her owlishly.

'Why did you ask me about how old I am, Trish?' he asked worriedly. 'Am I beginning to get lines? Am I beginning to look old? My teeth aren't turning yellow are they?' He looked at her fearfully, causing Trish to roll her eyes yet again. Vergil started chuckling to himself, his eyes gleaming the way they always did whenever he was amused. If someone wanted to see Vergil at his scariest, they only needed to make him laugh. Trish ignored the older blue-clad twin and glared at the younger.

'Calm yourself you melodramatic prat!' she snapped. Dante snivelled, his whimpering reduced to a mere sniffle every now and again. Trish took a fortifying deep breath of air, which couldn't really be described as fresh considering it was being polluted by pizza boxes that contained long stale pizzas, week old garlic bread and empty beer bottles. Trish gagged slightly at this cacophony of scents, no, of malodours. She steeled herself before putting on her most stern face. 'I merely asked after your age because of the fact that you act so bloody immature! Look at Vergil! Look at how he acts for the majority of the time!' She finished, looking vaguely triumphant. Dante frowned before looking towards Vergil's general direction. The evil older twin merely sat there, his face shadowed half in darkness, his steely blue eyes glinting coldly in the light. Dante hissed, his bad mood quickly escalating. He turned back to Trish.

'Yeah well at least I'm not a walking cliché!' He hollered, his face becoming a colour that matched his coat. 'Vergil thinks he's so cool but really we see people like him in nearly every single film, or book or anime!' Vergil gasped, incensed. He jumped out of his chair and smashed his fist against the table, causing the various items to rattle noisily. Vergil didn't seem to care as he glared at Dante, his eyes flaring.

'I am not a cliché!' he growled, struggling to keep his voice under control. At that point, his pet shadow, Cuddles walked in through the cat-flap, mewing for his favourite meal. Human flesh. Vergil automatically calmed down and picked up the cat demon, cooing and petting it. Dante looked at him, open disgust written on his face. Trish had used black marker pen while Dante had been distracted. It was a sad fact that Dante had never really mastered the art of being able to notice things around him when he was utterly focused on the target. Thus, he remained oblivious to the fact that he had words written across his forehead and his cheeks.

'Nerd!' he growled back. Vergil's newly regained calm immediately broke as he tossed Cuddles through the window, feeling that he needed all his concentration to teach Dante a lesson. He glared at him and bared his teeth, grinding them together, the sound more than audible.

'You overgrown…overgrown…fart!' he gasped, his eyes bulging, his face apoplectic with frustration. His rage sapped him of all mental strength, resulting in the rather lame comeback. Dante curled his lip upwards, the word "scorn" written across one cheek.

'Dork!'

'You overdressed piece of crap!'

'Geek!'

'You…cretin!'

'Wait! What's a cretin?' Vergil was about to answer what he was expecting to be an insult, paused when he recognised it as a query and stopped. He blinked blankly before his face clouded over.

'Do you know,' he said slowly, musingly, suddenly falling into a British accent, 'I do believe I've actually forgotten!' Dante blinked at him.

'Fair enough. Who's turn was it?'

'Yours.'

'All right. Thank you. FREAK!'

'You compensating gimp!' Dante fell into silence at Vergil's last attack. He turned quiet, but not because he didn't know the meaning of the word "gimp". He had watched "Pulp Fiction" more than enough times than was normal and considered himself to be reasonably knowledgeable on all matters regarding or even remotely pertaining to gimpage. He knew he had to run from them, he knew that they were demons that were too dangerous to try and kill outright. But, as said before, Dante was not silent because he was thinking on all of these matters. No, the red coated demon hunter had turned mute because he knew that he was defeated. Trish had made him promise not to trash talk until New Year's Day. Had he been able to access his questionable talent, Dante knew that Vergil would have most likely been rolling about on the floor in throes of agony. Coarse language had always bothered his brother, for reasons he had never really been able to understand. He was forced to sit in sullen silence as Vergil sat at the table, a supremely stupid smug smile on his face, his eyes shining with a malicious light. A slight movement at the kitchen window caught Dante's attention. Vergil's idiotic demon cat was sitting on the window-sill, staring in and watching him balefully. Dante hissed with irritation as he noticed that the cat-demon was imitating Vergil's expression perfectly. Just before Dante was about to kick some ass, the doorbell rang. Trish turned to open the door happily, leaving the two brothers by themselves in the kitchen.

Dante smirked.

Now was his chance.