Chapter 5 – Ding Dong! Merrily with Pies!
As soon as Dante stepped inside and slammed the door close on the neighbour's cat's tail, Trish bounded out to meet him joyfully.
'Dante! I'm so glad you're back! I was getting worried about you!'
'Yes. And now we can finally open the presents,' Lady announced, depositing a small box on Vergil's lap. Vergil blinked in bewilderment before grinning and ripping it open. He looked confused as he pulled out a dildo.
'It's something to replace the stick that's always up your ass,' Lady cackled, her eyes shining with malicious glee, giving her a rather maniacal look. Vergil said nothing and handed her a parcel. Lady blinked as she carefully unwrapped the present, and screamed with horror.
'What's wrong, human,' Vergil asked smoothly, looking smug. 'Don't like your present? I thought you'd like it, considering your fashion sense and your penchant for revealing yourself quite happily.' Lady glared daggers at him. It was a playboy bunny outfit. Reiko decided to try and break the tension by giving Lady his present to her. Inside it, there was a jewellery box, which in turn contained a necklace. For his pains, he got a kiss from her, which left him crying with fear into his present from Trish, a large black T-shirt with a livid yellow smiling face on it. Vergil, jealous as ever, kicked Reiko in the groin and claimed it was his Christmas present. Reiko decided to do one better and tried to wrench at what Dante referred to as Vergil's "woo-woos". Both men were in pain for the rest of the night. Then Reiko handed Vergil his real present, the least expensive present he had bought for anybody, ever. It was a token of his extreme dislike for the blue clad twin. It was a box of condoms.
'In case you ever get lucky,' Reiko said smugly, inferring that Vergil was still a virgin. At that point, Lucia gave them both their presents, a year old stale baguette each. The two promptly started beating each other over the head with their improvised swords.
As for Arson, he had been given strawberries from everyone and had given strawberries to everyone.
Dante gave Vergil a kiss on the cheek after fluttering his eyelashes in what he hopes was a demure manner and in return gained partial deafness as Vergil shrieked in alarm down his ears.
An hour passed of idle chatter before the group broke off on their own, admiring their spoils. Arson was indeed pleased, having received six containers of fresh strawberries for Christmas. Lady was a more than a little less than pleased, Dante having presented her with a crotch guard, saying that she had balls and was like a man and therefore she had to protect her family jewels. She was happy with Trish's present, which had been a pair of strappy shoes for if she went out in the evenings. Reiko's present was beautiful, and had been thoughtful, a jewel hanging from the chain that changed colour depending on how the light hit it, either turning blue or red, setting off either eye nicely. The gift vouchers that Lucia had presented her with had been quite a bonus, especially considering what the rest of Lucia's presents had entailed. Arson's present was already in her stomach, safe and sound. But the worst present by far was Vergil's and she showed her displeasure by setting it alight and chucking it at him.
After Vergil had put out the flames from his coat, he stopped to admire his own spoils. He still wasn't sure what exactly Lady's present was used for or what it did. All he knew was that it was a horrible obscene shape and that he would give it to Lucia when Lady wasn't looking. Dante's present had been surprisingly good, having received a white skull for Christmas, something to put in his library back at his place. It had also been obvious that Trish had been watching too much Harry Potter lately, for she had knitted him a jumper. It was too tight and it was lumpy but Vergil was pleased all the same. It was blue. He might never wear it but it was blue. Lucia's present had been quite…unusual but amusing. He had never guessed that bread could be such a dangerous weapon. It would have to go into his armoury when he got back. The strawberries were also nice, but he wished that they could have been blue instead but you couldn't have everything. And as for Reiko's present, well, that had been thrown in the bin almost as soon as he had got it.
Dante was also a little concerned with what Trish had been watching on TV lately, for he had also received a badly knitted jumper, that wasn't even red. It looked more orange. But the thought was nice and he couldn't be bothered to tell Trish otherwise. Part of his new thing of being tolerant of people. Dante had also received a little book of useless pick up lines from Lady, which had sent him in a rage. He didn't need a book to tell him how to get chicks to like him. Then he flicked through the book and realized that half of the pick up lines he used were actually included, much to his shock and shame. Lucia had given him a necklace of garlic cloves, which he thought would be quite useful in trying to get rid of Reiko. He threw it at him and frowned when Reiko glared at him, completely unaffected. Reiko. His present had been odd too. Why had he given him cologne? But Vergil's present had also been rather mean, especially after he had given him a skull. Vergil had presented him with a bag filled with poo, and Vergil had claimed that it represented everything that Dante was. He had then told everyone that if they wanted to know what Dante was all about, all the had to do was stare at the bag.
Everyone had been grossed out to say the least.
Trish had also received a necklace of garlic, and she had wondered briefly whether she should chance cooking with it. Reiko had also given her a bracelet, and he had been rewarded with a hug accordingly, which had made the vampire oddly weepy. She had also received clothes from Vergil, but there was something wrong with them. They had sleeves. They had no way of showing her cleavage. The trousers were too baggy…Vergil really had no idea about her fashion sense and the thought never occurred to her that maybe he had been trying to give her sensible clothes for once in her life. Dante had bought Trish a photo frame, which she had been immensely happy about, loving photos with a passion. Lady had also had the same idea but had done one better, getting her a photo album instead, much to Dante's abject humiliation. Bested by a girl, again.
Lucia was happily sitting and reading through the book that Lady had given her, entitled "The Little Book of Bunny Suicides". Beside her lay her presents, a shaver from Trish, instant noodles from Dante, a beret from Reiko, strawberries from Arson and of course, a wonderful memory of what Vergil had given her. Vergil hadn't known that Lucia was going to be there so as a result hadn't bought her anything. Instead he had given her a little peck on the cheek. And then the dildo. The kiss was much more to her liking, and she smiled fondly as she thought of him again. It looked as though she had a new crush…
Reiko was somewhat put out as he poked at the strawberries with a finger, wondering how on earth he was meant to enjoy them when he was a vampire and couldn't taste anything but blood. His Christmas present from Vergil had been less than satisfactory, having been kicked in the groin one too many times and having been beaten over the head til he was black and blue. He started to punch the present that Lady had bought him. It wasn't because he was upset with it, but because that was what he was meant to do. After all, what else was a stress ball for if not to punch and kick and squeeze it? He eyed the rest of his presents balefully. A stale baguette from Lucia, which he would carry with him always, in case he ever lost his true weapon. It would be a handy back up if nothing else. Trish had forced him to wear the T-shirt he had been given by her, the lurid yellow face appearing to leer up at him. Dante's present really hadn't been a present at all, but had actually been permission. To bite Trish if he got hungry. Reiko was not impressed with his present turn out to say the least.
After various other insults had been swapped and exchanged, and after all the snacks and beer had finally been finished, they began to calm down and Trish switched on the TV, only to find that there was some sort of insipid family film on. Something about Laia and Knit. Or was it Milo and Bitch? Dante couldn't remember but he enjoyed himself all the same, as did the others, cooing at all the right bits, laughing at the correct moments. At one point, Reiko burst into hysterical tears and had to be taken to a separate room by Trish until he had calmed down enough. Even Vergil was able to have some fun with it as he dreamed of all the glorious fun he would have if he had Stitch as a pet.
It might have been a bizarre day but it had been a good one, one of the best.
Dante realized at that point that he had been so pathetically foolish. He had been searching for a way to get his family back for such a long time, never realizing that there was one right under his nose.
"It may be broken, but it's still good."
They may annoy him, but he loved them all the same.
He smiled.
He wouldn't want it anyway else.
Emd
I wish you all a very very Happy New Year and I hope you all had a brilliant Christmas