Author's Note: Sorry this is so late; I had trouble removing parasites (popup) from my computer but it's fixed now so I'll continue work on my stories.
Chapter 5: Luke Skywalker
Luke headed to his quarters after a long, tiring day practicing with the fighter squadron. Being on the squadron was all he had dreamed of, yet today he had kept making the dumbest of mistakes. His firing at targets had been off or he found himself pulling up either too soon or too late. Yet the more he tried to concentrate on flying the X-wing the more he kept goofing up. The worst moment had been when he had almost collided with a fellow wing mate. Luckily the other pilot had managed to get out of his way just in time. Disgusted, the leader of the squadron had called practice to a halt until tomorrow, hoping that one certain pilot would clean up his act by then.
/This has got to be the worst day of my life!/
Running a hand through his hair, Luke let himself in and keyed the door locked. Of course, there was nothing really wrong with his piloting skills and his dead accuracy on target shooting was as perfect as the Force would allow. No, the real problem was inside his head and eating away at him. All the time he should have been concentrating on practicing with the squadron he had been really thinking … no, worrying … about his penpal and the possibility he was an Imperial. It had started almost the moment he had sent the email off. The doubt and second thoughts had kept him awake almost all night and no amount of meditation could help. Finally around the same time the sun was peeking up over the jungle-covered hills, he had passed out from sheer tiredness. Even then he hadn't really slept but twisted around in bed tormented by vague nightmares until he had crashed to the cold stone floor.
/What am I going to do? I can't go on like this./
Sighing, Luke collapsed into the chair before his computer and rubbed at his weary eyes. This morning when he had slowly picked himself up off the floor, untangling his legs from the sweat-soaked sheets, he had been aghast at his appearance in the small mirror. He had looked utterly terrible! His clear blue eyes had been stabbed through with ugly red blood vessels that made him look like some horrible monster! And where had those lines under his eyes come from, those dark blotches of color? Surely just staying up one night couldn't make a person look that bad?
/Didn't Han stay out drinking all night at cantinas sometimes?/
Luke was pretty sure sometimes the older man did and it didn't affect his appearance so much. Not that Luke was vain, but he didn't want anyone asking him questions he wasn't sure how to answer. Like the ones Han had asked him at dinner today after the squadron practice had been canceled.
/Hey Kid, having a tough day, huh? Anything bothering you?/
/I couldn't sleep last night./
/"Don't let this war get to you, Kid. You'll be fine. Anything you want to tell me, you know where to find me./
Han had patted him on the shoulder lightly, and then had followed Leia out of the room, calling to her.
/It figures. I finally meet a beautiful girl and she only has eyes for someone else!/
Luke groaned and slouched in the hard, wooden chair. If his aunt had seen him sitting like this, she would have yelled at him for sure, saying it was bad for his posture. But she was dead and long gone.
/I didn't even look this bad when my Aunt and Uncle died./
And that made Luke feel even guiltier than he already was.
He rubbed at his burning eyes, knowing he should really get some sleep. But he couldn't sleep last night and he doubted if he could sleep now. How did Han handle such things? He had seen Han shoot people with his blaster, casually flip a coin onto a table and just walk away. How could the Corellian take life so indifferently? Didn't he worry about it later or feel guilty? Somehow Luke got the impression that he didn't. It was probably just a matter of business to the smuggler.
/If only I knew how to meditate properly I could dispel these emotions./
Well, maybe.
Truth is, Luke really hadn't learned very much from Ben before he had been killed. The only thing he really had was his father's old lightsaber and a few basic Jedi moves to practice. He also knew a Jedi was supposed to feel at peace, to be one with the Force. And how was he ever to become a true Jedi if he didn't have anyone to teach him?
/It's hopeless! I'll never be a Jedi now. Who am I trying to fool? Besides, I'll probably be hung for treason!/
And that, Luke knew, was his real problem. His mind had gone full circle yet again and brought himself right back to the same topic.
/I never should have started this!/
Yet he eyed the computer before him. All he had to do was reach out and turn it on, a simple flick of a switch. Perhaps an answer would be waiting in his account from Podracer, an answer that would lay all his worries to rest. His penpal would say he lived on some peaceful planet somewhere. Or maybe it wouldn't be so peaceful, but he wouldn't be an Imperial.
/Yeah, right./
Luke stared at the computer with his bloodshot eyes. The room grew cold around him and goose bumps broke out on his skin, causing him to shiver. He didn't know if it was the Force or not, but for whatever crazy reason he didn't want to read a reply from his penpal. Truth was, he was scared of what it may say. He felt like he were five-years-old again and afraid to admit to Aunt Beru that he had broken a plate. He was grown now and it was childish of him to act this way, yet that's how he felt.
/It's stupid! Just go and read it!/
Luke shook his head, laughing a bit. He was beginning to get slaphappy now from lack of sleep. Then again, maybe he was building up enough courage to finally read his mail.
/Maybe I enjoy torturing myself./
Realizing that he'll never get to the bottom of his problem until he did read the next letter from Podracer, Luke signed onto the galaticweb. And there, sitting in his mailbox looking oh so innocent, was the next letter from his penpal. He stared at it for a few long minutes, the dread building in his body. So much depended on what was in that simple email. The whole thing sounded preposterous, but it was true. Of course, if Podracer was an Imperial Luke had no idea what he would do, so he just hoped that he wasn't. Maybe that was a copout, but he just didn't want to deal with the reality of it yet. It had preyed on his mind all too much lately.
/Is this friendship worth all the torment I'm going through?/
Things had been so much simpler when he had lived on his Uncle's farm. But he had never appreciated the simple life he had had back then. People rarely appreciate what they have until its gone. Feeling sad, he clicked open the letter and began to read.
/Tatooine?/
Luke bolted out of his seat and almost collided with his computer. Suddenly he was wide-awake, his fatigue disappearing like a stray breeze. He gaped at the monitor in shock, excitement bubbling in his body. His penpal was from Tatooine, his home world? Why, that was amazing! It was more than amazing, it was … well, Luke didn't know what it was but it was great! His joy dimmed when he read how Podracer had been a slave and almost disappeared together when he learned of the Tusken Raiders.
/This is incredible! I'm actually writing to someone from Tatooine! What are the odds of that?/
He started on the next paragraph, growing more miserable by each sentence. All those injuries…
/How could someone survive that?/
Luke grew depressed, imagining what a miserable life his penpal must lead.
/No wonder he's so lonely. No one probably won't friend with him because of how he looks./
The young Jedi-want-to-be shook his head sadly. People could be so cruel and thoughtless sometimes. Nor did it matter what species you were dealing with. In the end, mostly everyone ended up acting the same. The unattractive were shoved on the side in favor of the beautiful, even if the beautiful ones behaved ugly. It wasn't fair, but that's how it worked. He could imagine everyone avoiding Podracer, perhaps even whispering about him behind his back or making dirty remarks to his face.
/How could I be worrying about myself when he has it so much worse?/
Luke's empathy was going full force now as he imagined what a miserable life his penpal was forced to live. It would be terrible to live a life in isolation while being surrounded by people that ignore you, or worse, laugh at you. And such a life would be doubly hard for someone who had once looked handsome and had been popular with the ladies. Luke knew what it was to be snubbed, for he had never been all that popular in school. He had had just a few close friends and that had been enough for him. One of those friends, Biggs, was now dead. As he read the last line, he began to realize how his penpal must have looked before his accident.
/Why, he must have looked a bit like me!/
Since he had left Tatooine and it's double suns, Luke had noticed his hair had started to darken just a wee bit. Perhaps it was just because he was growing up but the lack of sun constantly bleaching it was more likely. Luke shook his head again, the blonde strands flying into his eyes. He had hoped that the letter would calm his anxieties, but so far it had just raised more questions. And his emotions were flip-flopping so quickly that he didn't know what he was feeling. At the mention of the Clone Wars, Luke wanted to jump again but felt it wouldn't be appropriate.
But the Clone Wars!
/Did Podracer know my father?/
Surely as a Jedi, his father had been fighting out on the front lines, too? Could they have known each other, possibly even had been friends? The possibility of knowing more about his father excited Luke to no end.
/But then I'd have to tell him my father's name and if I told him that, he'd know who I am./
What a predicament! To be so close to information on his father and yet so far at the same time, it was like a pratical joke the galaxy had played on him! It was so unfair!
Then Luke read the next line.
/THE EMPIRE??!! OH NOOOOO!/
Luke groaned loudly, his fingers tangled in his hair. Even though he had sensed this was coming, the news still shocked him. He leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed, just moaning his bad luck.
/I am in such deep foo-doo./
Now that it was before him in black-and-white, he couldn't just ignore it or say it wasn't so. But what exactly was he to do about it? Podracer was just so fascinating and maybe could even tell him about his father. But he was an Imperial, too, and they were supposed to be the enemy!
/But how can he be the enemy when he's my friend?/
Luke covered his eyes with a hand, moaning louder. This was growing more confusing by the second!
/And why would the Empire help Podracer after he was injured?/
That made no sense to Luke at all. Wasn't the Empire supposed to be evil? That's what Leia kept telling him anyway. And surely an evil Empire wouldn't help a badly injured person? The information just wasn't adding up right or something, for surely they both couldn't be right? Could they?
And to think that Podracer lived on a Star Destroyer!
/But I have to fight Star Destroyers, shoot at them. What if I accidentally kill my penpal?/
Luke knew that would make him feel more wretched than he already was. Up until now, the enemy had just been the enemy. Well, he had felt guilty about blowing up the Death Star and he still did, but the Empire had pretty much been faceless. Just mindless Stormtroopers dressed in white-and-black armor. Leia claimed they didn't even have names but used numbers instead, just like droids.
But droids were people, too. Why, 3PO even had a personality!
If the Princess ever found out he was conversing with an Imperial she'd have one of her fits. But no matter how Luke wished he could go back and change things, he couldn't. His enemy now had a face and a name, too, along with a long and colorful history. There was no way he could erase the knowledge from his own mind, even if he wanted to. But how was he supposed to do his job, now?
/I can't shoot Podracer, can I?/
For sooner or later, it may come down to that.
/But what am I to do? I just can't tell Mon Mothma, can I?/
Luke tried to imagine the leader's reaction to his sad tale. First she'd be shocked, than angry. Yes, that was easy to see. But what would happen next? Would she throw him in the brig for treason, even though he had never really told Podracer anything remotely important? Well, nothing that he deemed important, anyway. Would Mon Mothma see things in his letters that he didn't see? What if she thought it was all some secret code to look innocent? What if she actually thought he was a spy? It would all be some horrible misunderstanding and no one would believe him! Then everyone would treat him like they were treating Podracer, like some pariah.
/It would be horrible!/
Or what if it went the other way? They might want him to exploit his friendship to gain information from his penpal.
/I couldn't do that, either. Podracer has had enough misery in his life./
For the time being, Luke had stalled out and didn't know what he should do. So he read more of the letter.
/What kind of school forbids a person to get married or to have friends?/
The idea was shocking, to say the least. It seemed the only happy note in Podracer's whole life had been Padme and that obviously hadn't lasted very long. But his penpal was interesting and Luke wanted to learn more about him and all the things he had seen. What kind of school had he been attending and why in the galaxy had they been so strict? And although it made Luke feel dirty, he had questions about the Empire, too.
/Maybe I'm starting to skate on the edge of treason now…but I want to know why the Empire helped Podracer./
Could his penpal be right?
/Am I on the wrong side in this war?/
And what exactly is the war about? He had just fallen in with Han and Leia, but a short time ago didn't he dream about going away to the Academy, the Imperial Academy? The truth was, he had. Yet now he found himself a Rebel fighting against the Empire.
Exchanging letters with Podracer was muddling his head!
/I could just stop writing to him./
Yes, he could, but hadn't he already gone through that scenario last night? He knew he couldn't just abandon the poor lonely man; that would be too cruel. Besides, they had so much in common! They were both from Tatooine, were lonely, superb pilots, had blue eyes and fair hair, had lost people they cared for; the list of similarities was practically endless! The whole thing was so uncanny it was darn right spooky!
/I just couldn't disappoint him that way, not after the life he led./
So what did that leave him? Continue to exchange letters with an Imperial and not tell anyone? Luke rolled the idea around in his head, frowning. He didn't exactly like how that sounded. Somehow now that he knew for sure Podracer was an Imperial it was different; it was closer to real treason.
But what exactly was treason?
Luke moaned, knowing he was trying to justify his letters now in his own mind.
/I am in so much trouble!/
And what did Podracer mean he had no father? Luke just didn't understand how that was possible. And what was that about a prophecy? It was just so fascinating and he wanted to ask a gazillion questions to satisfy his own curiosity. Besides, it wasn't like he was saying where the Rebel base was…
Could it maybe be OK?
/He could know my father! And it's not like I have anyone here to talk to…/
Luke reread Podracer's entire letter a second time, paying more attention to detail. Catching the bit about the man loosing his infant son, Luke almost cried. It was all just so sad!
/Maybe if I keep writing to him he won't me so lonely./
But Luke wondered if he'd be able to handle the stress and strain of having such a controversial secret relationship with an Imperial. If the guilt were just going to keep him up all night every night, he'd be forced to stop. And what about the constant worry about getting caught? How would he handle that? He'd never done such a thing in his whole life before.
/What would I say if Han asks me again what's wrong?/
Luke didn't want to lie to his friends and he certainly didn't want to put his friends in danger.
/Is writing to Podracer dangerous?/
Luke had just assumed that as long as he didn't say anything top-secret, it was OK. But what if it didn't work that way? Could his friend find out where he was just from the email itself? Luke admitted he had no idea. Sure, he knew some mechanics from fixing stuff on his uncle's farm, but this was a whole different level. Was it possible that Podracer already knew where he was? He knew he'd never be able to live with himself if something happened to Leia and Han because of him.
/I guess it comes down to trust./
Can I trust an Imperial?
No, Podracer was a man before he was an Imperial.
/So, can I trust my penpal?/
Luke hoped he could. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine Podracer living on the Star Destroyer. What job would his buddy have? Since he was skilled in flying, would he be a Tie pilot? Or would his massive injuries confine him to some low-level job, something like a janitor cleaning toilets? Would a janitor have access to a computer to send emails? Luke sighed, realizing he didn't have enough information about the Empire and life aboard a Star Destroyer to make such a guess. If he wanted to know, he'd just have to ask him.
/And pray that Podracer doesn't ask where I live!/
Yes, that would be …tricky to answer, to say the least!
/I hope no one finds out about this…/
Hoping he wouldn't be sorry later for this rash decision, Luke started to write a letter to Podracer.
Dear Podracer,
Thanks for your fascinating letter. I must admit I wasn't totally surprised that you live on board a Star Destroyer. I kind of guessed you lived in the Empire somewhere. What did surprise me was that you're from Tatooine. I'm from there, too! I was raised on a small moisture farm. What are the odds of that? That we're both from Tatooine, I mean. It's incredible, don't you think? This galaxy is just so big and the chance that we'd start writing to each other and both from the same planet, it's just incredible!
I guess I really don't know much about the Empire. The things I hear, well, I guess they're not too nice. And the more I think about it; I guess I don't know what this war is really about. From the things I heard, I don't understand why the Empire helped you when you were injured. I've been trying to figure that out with the other stuff I heard, and well, it just doesn't match up. Could you maybe explain it?
What Star Destroyer do you work on? What do you do all day? Today I had to practice flying with a squadron, but I didn't do very well. I was worrying again and it interfered with my practice. I wish I knew how to meditate, but I don't. I don't suppose you know how to meditate, do you? I just have so many questions I want to ask you but I don't want to come across as a pest. It's just you lived such a fascinating life I want to learn more about you. Come to think of it, you're the only really interesting person I know. Everyone else is just so … dull!
I can't imagine a school being so bossy like that! Geesh! I guess they weren't very social, were they? What kind of stuff did they teach, if you don't mind me asking? I had a teacher of sorts for a short while but he died. Well, I THINK he died. Truthfully, he just sort of vanished and I still didn't figure that out yet. I was hoping to follow in my father's footsteps but I just realized I don't know how to do certain things, so I'm at a lost. I guess that means I can't become what he was. Unless I can find a new teacher and that's very unlikely.
I suppose you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, do you? That's OK. I don't understand about your lack of a father or the prophecy thing, either. So I guess that makes us even. I don't think it was right that the school forbid you to marry or to have friends. Everyone deserves to have friends. Friendship is what keeps us going. And a true friend is worth more than all the riches in the galaxy; they'll do anything for you. The only reason I'm even alive is because this friend of mine came back and saved me. At first I thought only the money was important to him and he thought that way, too, but he changed his mind and because of that I can write to you. Otherwise I would have had my atoms spread all across the galaxy.
You said you served in the Clone Wars? My father was supposed to be in that war. I don't suppose you knew him, did you? Well, I'm kind of hoping maybe you did so you could tell me a few things about him. I'm just not too sure if I should tell you his name yet…I mean, if I tell you his name than maybe you'd know who I am… and we are using aliases, right? The only thing I have of my father's is this, umm, weapon he had. I just wish I knew how to use it better.
It's very sad all the things that happened to you. I can't express that enough. You've had more than your share of sadness and bad luck. If I could change the past, I would, just to make your life happier. But I can't. The only thing I can do is write letters and maybe they can make your day a bit brighter.
I'm sorry that you lost both your wife and son. But maybe you're son is out there somewhere and you'll find him someday. You have to stay positive and trust it'll come out all right in the end. I guess I should follow my own advice and stop worrying. But that's very hard to do! My teacher was always saying to "trust in the Force". Maybe that's what you should do. I know it's an old saying, but it seems to work sometimes.
Yes, I know about the Tusken Raiders. I was chasing some droids out into the desert and those Sandpeople almost got me! I was saved though by my teacher. That's how I met him. I miss him.
Well, I should go and try to get some sleep. Last night I was up all night and when I finally did fall asleep I think I had a nightmare and fell out of bed! How embarrassing! I look terrible, with my eyes bloodshot and all. And as for how a person looks, I feel what's inside their heart is more important. So don't let those co-workers on the ship bother you because you had all those injuries from serving in the War.
Your friend,
Farmboy
Luke reread his letter and sent it on its way, then went to his bed hoping to get some much-needed sleep.
To be continued…