Heh. A little late, but I think this chapter turned out good. Some new developments…
Note: Song once again is mine. It's the same one I used in "make you mine" Go read it if you haven't. I'm proud of that one shot! Only this time, I have the whole song in here. No stealing without my permission. But other thatn that. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Same old same old.
(……)
I was so tired. Just so damn tired.
This…secrecy, its wearing me out. It's getting harder and harder to be around them. I just want to tell them now. But that would mean ruining our relationship. It was rocky as it was but…I couldn't do that. After everything…One, I don't want to intrude on their perfectly happy lives and two, my relationship with them would change. So what if I didn't have that happy life? Hn, they could never love a screw up like me anyway. They're just too…perfect.
I don't know what came over me this morning. After all, Wufei was just trying to reaffirm our relationship. But…I didn't want to. I was…afraid, that if things went back to the way they had been before, I would run away. Again. It was the reason that I had left in the first place. I couldn't stay near them without drowning myself in self-pity. And yet it seems that I am doing the same far away from them.
I took Sammy back to the children's room, laying him down in his little bed and pulling the blankets over him. Brushing away a few stray bangs from that innocent face, I pressed a kiss to the small forehead and left the room quietly.
As I walked past the living room, I spotted Heero and Wufei sitting on the couch, talking in low tones. The twins lay on either side of them asleep, Kristina in the curve of Heero's right arm and Wufei in the curve of his left, head tucked under Heero's chin, while Adam lay under the curve of Wufei's left arm. They looked…so homely. I wondered what they were talking about.
I saw Heero place a tender kiss on top of Wufei's glossy hair and felt my chest tighten. They looked so sweet together, so…untainted. Not like me, who is plagued my nightmares almost every night. They don't have to stifle their horrified screams. Did not have to push all the painful memories down by day and relive them by night. And even if they did, they had each other for comfort.
I was startled out of my thoughts when Heero's eyes slid towards me and captured my stare. I felt the blood drain away from my face. I knew that Heero was a person who valued privacy a lot and he had just caught me intruding on them. Those blue eyes seemed to pierce me open in their hard, unforgiving stare and I felt my breath catch. I whirled away from them, running upstairs and to my room, slamming the door shut almost desperately, just wanting to get away from that piercing stare.
God, what was wrong with me? I couldn't even look at them anymore. Why? Why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt so much more than it did five years ago?
I found myself on the floor, my back against the door and curled up with my arms around my legs. I could feel tears in my eyes but blinked them back. I couldn't be that weak. Tears would get me nowhere. It would make me vulnerable. And I know that Heero and Wufei hate people who are weak. Its…the only thing that I have left. Their respect. Though it seems to be wavering right now.
I was being immature. I knew I shouldn't have intruded but their love for each other was just so sweet that…that I wanted to be a part of it too. Even if it was in the smallest way. Even if it was only by watching. By observing. By loving…lords, I need to get a hold of myself.
A sharp knock sounded in my door, and I heard Quatre's voice call to me. "Duo?" I chose not to reply. I did not want him to see the state I was in. Why was he here anyway?
"Duo, open this door right now. I know you're in there."
Surprised by his commanding tone, I found myself opening the door reluctantly. I saw Quatre frowning but as he saw me the frown immediately eased away, replaced by concern. Slipping into my room, he shut the door and immediately pulled me into a hug, arms tight around me.
I was startled. "What's wrong, Quatre?" I asked, concerned. Did something happen while I was in my room?
He pulled back and looked at me incredulously. I was a little slow, I didn't get it. "Did something happen?" I asked again. Something happened to Trowa? Or Wufei or Heero? What about the kids?
"Duo…" He sighed out, closing his eyes. Oookay. Now it's getting weird.
"Is everything all right?" I asked gently. Maybe I had been approaching this wrong.
Then he did something really strange. He growled. Not only that, he growled, threw his hands up in the air, stalked over to my bed and sat down exasperated.
"Why can't you be more SELFISH?!?!"
Excuse me?
"Um…" I fumbled for an answer but really how would you answer such a question? "I could try?" I responded confused.
"Gee, that would be a start." He retorted sarcastically and I held back a wince. I did not need more that one ex-gundam pilot mad at me. I brought a hand to the back of my neck and rubbed sheepishly, looking at the worn carpet on the floor.
"God, Duo, I came to see you." He said in a voice so full of pain that I jerked my head up to stare at him. I walked hesitantly towards the bed and sat down beside him, reaching out one hand to touch his shoulder.
"Are you okay? Did you need something?" I asked, squeezing his shoulder. "You know I'm here to help."
"Are you okay?" He asked me back and I blinked.
"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Duo…I know." He placed a hand over his heart then and I understood. Quatre knew. That's why he came to see me. Something was wrong with me.
My hand fell away from his shoulder and I dropped my gaze, turning away. Why wasn't anything going right today? I clenched my fist and shut my eyes. God, I wanted to cry so bad.
Warm hands touched my cheeks and turned my face. I blinked my eyes open slowly and saw Quatre gazing at me.
"You haven't slept well at all." He murmured, his thumb rubbing my cheek just underneath my eyes. "I can see dark circles and your eyes are red. Like that day. And you look so pale and fragile. God, Duo, I felt so much pain radiating from you just minutes ago and you're telling me that you're fine? How much pain are you bottling up inside you?"
I was so close to tears then. I was sure that Quatre could see them too. Couldn't I just be weak just for once?
"I…I'm...I…"
"Please, let me be there for you, Duo. I wasn't there all those years ago and I'm so very sorry." He whispered. Tears fell on their own accord and I did nothing to stop them. By the gods, I didn't think I had any strength left to stop them.
"That's it. Just let go. I'm here for you." He drew me into his embrace and I just cried. I was clutching at him, my face buried against his neck, warm tears flooding me but…it wasn't sobbing. Sure, I had tears pouring down my cheeks but I didn't make a sound. Not one.
Then the door opened and someone stepped in. "Quat? Wh-" the words stopped and Trowa took in the scene. I pulled away from Quatre quickly and wiped my eyes, keeping them lowered.
I knew that a staring match was going on above me and I felt Quatre tense behind me as I heard footsteps walking away.
"Goddamnit." I heard the Arabian mutter as he got up and left the room, closing the door softly behind him. What had been going on?
The door had not been closed completely and I could hear the talking softly, but loud enough that I could hear them.
"Damn it, Trowa, I was just comforting him."
"…"
"Can't you see that he needs us?!?"
"…" Footsteps.
"Tro, please. Don't walk away."
"…I trust you. But I don't know if can trust him."
"What?! Trowa, he's my best friend."
"You know that I was never close to him, Quatre."
"Then get close to him, damn it!" Silence. And then softly, "He needs us. He can't go to Wufei or Heero. Please, this is killing him slowly. He's been in pain for so long. I need to help him."
"…okay."
I stayed rock still, going over what I had just heard. I was causing problems between Trowa and Quatre now. Argh! Can't I do anything right? I stood up and straightened my clothes, rubbing my face clear of any tear tracks. Damnit, I would not cause any problems. Not anymore. I grabbed my keys from my table and opened the door, to be greeted with the sight of them embracing. Quatre pulled back as he heard the door open.
"Duo…" when he saw the dangling keys in my hand, he looked back at me with concern. "Where are you going?"
"Out." I replied simply. I turned and walked down the hall, well aware of both of them watching me. I halted, finding it necessary to say something. "I…apologize for the misunderstanding. It…will not…happen, again." With that I quickly walked towards the stairs again.
"No, Duo! Wait! I-" But I was running down the stairs by then, down the hallway and out the front door. I got into my old car and slammed the door shut, revving up the engine and pulling out. I could not stay there any longer. Not right now. I needed some time alone.
I drove for a long time…I don't know how long. All I know is that I ended up at the memorial of the Maxwell church. Why was this happening? After five years? I was content with the what I had and then these guys pop up and all of a sudden my life goes haywire.
I'll admit I've never been close to Trowa. I mean…me being the jokester and him being the silent one all the time…we didn't really fit. So more that friends, I would have to say that we were acquaintances. I didn't not like him; I thought he was an okay guy. But he definitely didn't seem to like me. Cold, aloof…yup that pretty much describes his attitude towards me.
I sighed and got out of the car. This was getting me nowhere. Might as well catch up on some of my music. I hadn't played in a while. I walked to the back of my car and took out my old guitar from the trunk. I felt urges to play my music too often and many times I didn't have my guitar or anything that I could play with. I had a better one back at the orphanage but this one was cheaper and could survive being in the trunk. Not the best place to store it but it'll have to do.
I walked a little further of from the memorial to a small deserted park and sat near the lake. Tweaking my strings a bit, I got it in tune. I knew what song I wanted to play.
I see you gazing at me
When the lights are low
I find myself staring back
Baby, you know
That I love you so…
Not strangers, no more…
In your embrace
I feel like I'm in heaven
You make me want to
Lose myself in you
Let me hold you forever
Baby my love…
Let me through…
Baby, Lend me your love just for tonight
And I'll show you that dreams do come true.
Open your heart for once and let me through.
Baby, Lend me your love for tonight
And I'll show that there is nothing without you.
All I need is you with me all night
And then we'll face the day together, just me and you…
All this time, I've been so lost
Searching for something, I didn't know what…
But then I found you…
And realized that there was nothing I could do without you…
I would reach for the stars if I could
And I would bring you back a special one
Just to show you my love
If you lend my your heart just once
I would cherish it with my life,
Oh my love
Take my hand and I'll show you the world
All you have to do is trust me…
Baby, I just need you by my side
Holding my hand…
Baby, Lend me your love just for tonight
And I'll show you that dreams do come true.
Open your heart for once and let me through.
Baby, Lend me your love for tonight
And I'll show that there is nothing without you.
All I need is you with me all night
And then we'll face the day together, just me and you…
Together…
Just me and you…
I finished the ending chords and sat there for a long time, just…doing nothing. Not even thinking. It felt good to not worry about such things right now. It was just me. My music and me.
By the time I headed back, it was sundown. I didn't really care that I had missed lunch, never did eat more than two meals a day. I got into my car and started back, putting on the radio in my car. It felt good. Felt…nice.
However all that vanished as I headed up the street to the orphanage. Which happened to be swarmed with fire trucks and the orphanage itself was…!!!
"Duo!!" Quatre yelled as he came running. I slammed my car door closed and met him half way.
"What the hell happened???" I shouted over the sirens as both of us ran towards the flaming wreckage. Oh my god, this was not happening. Not again.
"A fire somehow started in the kitchen and before we knew it the whole thing was up in flames!!" He informed me as we skidded to a stop in front of it.
"Is everyone okay? Heero, Trowa, Wufei??" I asked urgently.
"Yes, they are fine."
"What about the children?" I looked around frantically and found Tricia a little further off with a cluster of kids around her.
"They're okay. We got them out." I nodded and then ran towards the children, finding Kira nestled in Tricia's arms. I counted the heads of the children and found only eleven. What the hell? I counted again and still found only eleven. I scanned the group of children and my eyes widened as I realized who wasn't there.
Sammy.
Goddamit!! He must still be in there. I left the children and ran towards the flaming building only to be stopped by fire fighters.
"Sir, you can't go in there!"
I glared at the man fiercely, struggling against his hold. "Let me go, dammit. There's still a kid in there!!"
"None of us can go it there now, sir! It's too dangerous! There is no way anyone can get out alive!"
"I…DON"T…CARE!" I renewed my efforts and succeeded in breaking his hold only to have someone else stop me.
"Are you fXcking nuts?!?!" Heero yelled as he held my arms behind my back. "You'll die if you go in there!"
"Goddamit, Heero! Sammy's still in there! Let me go!" I yelled, pulling as hard as I could.
"You can't go in there!!" He repeated.
"The hell I can't!" I wrenched my arms out of his hold, surprising him with my strength and sprinted towards the orphanage. The last thing I heard before I entered was a loud shout.
"DUOOO!"
(……)
and well that's that. Once again, Thanks you J! for the betaing of course! huggles please REVIEW! point point