Penpals 19

Darth Vader stood on the bridge of Executor in his favorite spot next to the tall windows, exhausted. For some unknown reason he had tossed and turned most of the night and when he woke up this morning he felt terrible, as if he hadn't gotten any sleep at all. Although he couldn't look in a mirror, he knew there were dark circles under his eyes and that they were no doubt puffy from lack of sleep. And just perhaps a few new wrinkles had joined the mass of scars on his face, most likely under his eyes. Even now his eyes burned and he couldn't help yawning, glad the mask hid this from his men.

/If they knew I was standing here dead on my feet…/

The news would be scandalous. They all thought he was some fearsome super-being just because they had never seen his face. Of course, the Force added a lot to his reputation. Who wouldn't respect and fear a man that could choke someone to death while being several decks away? They depended on him to make the right decisions and choices. Their very lives rested upon his broad black-clad shoulders and it was a duty he took seriously. Yet here he was half asleep!

/Why couldn't I sleep last night?/

It had been years since he had experienced sleeping problems. And although his day had been emotional with a few upsetting revelations, he doubted if that had been what had kept him awake last night. No, it wasn't guilt over Obi-Wan's death or even Palpatine tricking him, if that was what truly had happened all those years ago. It had been something else.

/Am I worried about Luke discovering the truth?/

His letter had hinted at things, but Vader doubted if the boy was clever enough to put it all together. Yes, someday he'll have to face that, but not today, not now. The Sith Lord closed his tired eyes and wished he could massage them with a hand, but that was impossible with the mask on. Stifling yet another yawn, he yearned to head to his quarters and get some sleep. But how would that look to the men if Lord Vader were caught napping on duty? At any moment reports from the probes could come in and the hidden Rebel Base discovered. He would need to be here for that, not to mention awake. And there was always the slim chance the Emperor might contact him. It certainly wouldn't do to be caught yawning to his Master.

/Yet I'm not doing the ship any good in this state of tiredness./

It was a fact that sleepy, exhausted crew made mistakes. The mind forgets things and doesn't realize that it has done so. And in some situations, such a mistake could be deadly. He could always go to Sickbay and request a sleeping aide, but preferred not to. Drugs could affect his connection to the Force and he'd like to avoid starting rumors on the ship. Besides, he had enough physical problems the way it is without adding yet another to his too-thick medical file. The proper solution was to discover what had kept him awake and then to solve it.

And that led him right back to the beginning!

/I am getting nowhere!/

Opening his eyes, Vader stared out at the stars. He had been standing there for some time, partly drowsing, when it suddenly occurred to him. Waking up, he was confused for a few brief seconds as to where he was and then remembered he was on the bridge of his ship. Moving his helmet slightly from side to side, he peered at the bridge crew to see if anyone had noticed he had fallen asleep. But the well-trained crew was busy at their posts and no one paid him any heed at all. When he was in his spot, Admiral Ozzel saw that no one disturbed him unless it was absolutely necessary. They had probably all believed he was busy with Sith things and had no desire to draw his wrath. His unscheduled slumber had lasted only a few seconds, but it was enough to set off warning bells in his head. The behavior was inexcusable, even for him. He was not above his crew when it came to rules and proper conduct of duty.

/It is the photo…/

Still, he had better take care of the photo he had promised Luke, as that was no doubt what was disturbing his slumber. He had been avoiding the issue and putting it off, but he couldn't do that any longer. Briskly telling Admiral Piett he'd be in his quarters, Darth Vader got into the lift and left the bridge. He had thought on the matter of the photograph and had come up with several solutions. The easiest was simply to give his son a photograph of someone else and say that it was he. This idea Vader discarded almost immediately. He didn't like lying and he certainly wasn't going to start now. Just because a person was on the Dark Side didn't mean he had to be a chronic liar.

The second solution was also simple but it required getting another involved. Mainly it meant he would order someone to take a photograph of him with the mask off, perhaps a droid or even the doctor. The problem with this scenario was that the person would wonder why he wanted a photograph in the first place. Speculation would set in and before he knew it the word would be all over the ship. Of course, he could kill it in the bud by choking the photographer to death, but Vader hated waste and that would be a wasteful, unnecessary death. Worse, word could reach the Emperor's ears. The last thing he wanted was for someone to find out about his secret communications with his son.

So that left him the third way, meaning he would take the photograph himself. He had already assembled the tiny gizmo he would hook onto the computer in his quarters. Then it would take the photograph and store it in his computer, ready for his use. But there were many details he hadn't worked out yet. He was skilled at combat and command, not photography. Before the photo was snapped, he had to make certain there was nothing incriminating in the background that would scream LORD VADER to his innocent child. No doubt both his son and Captain Solo would study the picture with a magnifying glass to learn whatever they could. That meant he had to be certain his breath mask or the respirator couldn't be seen behind him.

Darth Vader walked down the long hallway of Executor and he slowly began to feel more awake. Perhaps it was the physical activity or the thoughts of his son, but he was starting to feel better. He finally reached his quarters and went inside. But now that he was there and the dreaded moment had arrived, he felt nervous. After all those years he was about to see himself again. Even his heart seemed to beat a bit faster within his chest and his pulse raced ahead, even if Vader knew that was physically impossible. A machine controlled his heartbeat and pulse and machines did not speed up do to excitement. Still, it did feel that way and a slight sensation seemed to move down his spine. Was it a thrill of anticipation or a chill of fright? The Sith Lord didn't know but he set about getting ready for his big photo shoot.

First he moved to his computer and checked the attachment he had done the previous night before falling into that restless sleep. Everything seemed fine and so he turned around to check the background behind him. Good, a blank wall that looked like so many other walls throughout Executor. Even Captain Solo wouldn't be able to learn anything from that. So what was he forgetting or had he covered anything?

/Surely the moment hasn't come so fast, has it?/

Vader tilted his helmet so he could better stare into the lens of the tiny camera hooked onto his computer. It would be the first thing to see his face in so long … and then HE would see it. His stomach started to churn a bit in nervousness but he told himself it was necessary. This wasn't the first difficult or unpleasant thing he had done in his life nor would it be the last.

/It was difficult leaving home and going with Qui-Gon…/

Yes, it had been but he had done it. Through incredible odds he had actually succeeded in catching up with the other Jedi students and had excelled in his studies. He had passed his trials and had become a full Jedi. Surely this was no harder? Besides, it would be worth it to read in Luke's next letter how pleased he was to receive the photo…

/Luke's next letter!/

Darth Vader abruptly realized that his son's next letter should be in his mailbox right now and it was something he just didn't have the power to resist. Forgetting the camera for the moment, Vader signed onto the galaticweb. As he waited to be connected to the web, he smiled at himself and his crazy behavior concerning his son.

/Some Sith you are!/

Yes, he was getting to be a terrible excuse for a Sith and a big softie. The screen changed and he was on the galaticweb. Clicking on his mailbox, he eagerly scanned through the list of new mail for a letter from his son and was fairly surprised when he didn't see one.

/Where is Luke's letter? It should be here by now…/

All their other letters had gone like clockwork and Vader had come to rely on them. Now the sudden and unexpected lack of a letter stunned him. Surely nothing had happened to Luke?

/I'm sure he is fine. The boy is just busy with the Rebels is all…/

But was that really true? A dark foreboding began to fill the room, like the icy cold of a glacier at midnight and Vader shivered. Had that been why he couldn't sleep, because Luke was in danger?

/I must not jump to conclusions. The letter is just late is all./

Darth Vader knew sometimes the galaticweb could be strange. Often mail could get held up somewhere for unknown reasons and appear in mailboxes days after it was sent. Still others seemed to vanish entirely and never reached their intended destination. Apparently somewhere out there on a web that only existed through connected computers an invisible black hole lurked. Like real black holes that sucked in everything within its reach and even light, this black hole ate emails. Had such a fate happened to his son's latest letter?

A slight smile creased his lips as he imagined his last Master instructing him for what seemed the thousandth time on patience. Obi-Wan would wave a finger at him and prattle on how important patience was to a Jedi.

/Perhaps all I need to do is wait a bit longer…/

Yes, if he waited a tad longer the letter would appear in his mailbox and all would be fine. His son was no doubt keeping warm on Solo's ship and sipping some warm drink. Perhaps they were laughing about something this very moment.

/Then why don't I believe that?/

Curse those Rebels and their secret Rebel Bases! His son could be lying dying somewhere for all he knew and he'd arrive too late to save him! Why did they have to move to a freezing planet? Didn't they realize how easy it was to freeze to death?

/If only Luke had told me where they were I could order the ship there now!/

Yes, he could and that was the beauty of it. No more waiting for permission from the Jedi Council to go somewhere. That's why his poor mother had to die in such painful misery. And here he was in charge of the galaxy's biggest ship and yet he was powerless to act save for a planet's name! Clenching his black-gloved hands into fists, Darth Vader stalked around and around his quarters in an attempt to burn the anxiety that raced inside himself.

If only he knew for certain his son WAS in danger! Darth Vader paused and tried to consider the situation rationally. Most likely he was jumping to conclusions. The stress of being a new parent was getting to him, even if technically his son was a full-grown man. He didn't like the idea of his son in danger and he realized he would have to get used to it. Still, it grated on his nerves something awful. Worse, he had discovered he was prone to worry and a vast imagination at the slightest little thing, like a missing piece of mail!

/I have no proof Luke is in danger. There was no Force-Vision./

No, just a very unusual sleepless night.

Resting a leather finger on his black mask, Vader decided upon a solution. He would sign off the net and take the photograph. Once that was done, he would sign back on and re-check his mail. If Luke's letter still hadn't arrived, he would re-access the situation. It was possible his sleepless night had been caused not by the anxiety over the photograph but because something had happened to his son.

Reaching upward with both leather-clad hands, Darth Vader carefully removed the helmet and set it gently on his bed. Next he took the black breath-mask off and laid it alongside the helmet. Reaching for the respirator hose, he hooked it onto himself so he could breath freely. Well, perhaps not as freely as everyone else but as free as he could get anyway. Then he paused, uncertain of his next move.

Yesterday he had snuck a mirror into his quarters, hiding it within the folds of his cape and keeping it there with the Force. No doubt the ones he had borrowed it from were even now perplexed as to where it had vanished to and were probably blaming each other. So were the lower and more undisciplined ranks on a ship, especially when you stuck a bunch of men into a small room with each other. But he wouldn't need the mirror for very long, that is, if he decided to use it at all.

Yet his thoughts kept drifting back to Luke and he wanted desperately to check his mail again, especially since his computer was within easy reach. Checking his mail would be useless if the letter wasn't there and it would just waste time. And if he wasn't careful, the missing letter could easily grow into another excuse not to take the photograph and put off for even longer what he had avoided for twenty years.

/I must be brave and face this challenge head-on!/

Going to his closet, Vader carefully slid the mirror off the shelf where he had placed it the night before. He was careful when he grabbed it to hold the reflective surface, the mirror, away from himself so he wouldn't see himself by accident. The backing to the blinking lights on his chest, he carried it to the blank gray wall. A nail protruded there, meant for hanging a painting. Perhaps someday he would hang a breathtaking landscape of Naboo's Lake Country there, but for now it would hold the purloined mirror. Closing his eyes, he turned the mirror around and hung it up. His stomach tossed like the waves on a stormy sea and sweat broke out on his brow, but he was determined to do this.

/For Luke…/

And then Vader opened his deep blue eyes and saw himself in the mirror.

/By the Force! Am I really that pale?!/

It surprised him that the first thing he noticed was how extremely white his skin was and not the terrible scars he had been expecting to see. Yes, there was some nasty mark on his cheek and all his hair was gone, but besides that he really didn't look as bad as he had feared. Of course, there were dark circles under his eyes just as he had feared, proof he hadn't gotten a decent sleep last night. He stared at himself for a long time, wondering who that stranger in the mirror was. It was without doubt the oddest moment in his life.

/I really need to remove the rest of the armor…/

The mirror showed him the famous black armor was all too visible. It even covered the lower part of his chin and anyone seeing the photograph was sure to recognize it. Moving away from the mirror, Darth Vader busied himself in taking the armor off. He didn't have any idea what he could wear in place of the armor. Luke thought he was a Commander on Executor so probably expected him in one of the gray outfits the officers wore. The problem was the Sith Lord didn't have any of the gray uniforms and he certainly couldn't go borrow one. Besides, they wouldn't fit him anyway. None of the bridge crew personnel could match Vader in height or width of shoulder. So what to do?

/This is an unexpected difficulty…/

Here he had been needlessly worried about how his face might look and the bigger problem turned out to be a lack of proper Imperial Clothing! If the business with Luke wasn't so serious, he might have laughed.

/I do hope he is all right…/

Wearing only his briefs, Vader went once again to his closet and examined the contents with a calculating eye. Surely he owned at least one piece of clothing that didn't scream Vader, didn't he? Annoyed at the seemingly total blackness of his closet contents, he shoved the extra sets of armor aside. There! That streak of blue! Reaching for the only non-black item he apparently owned, he pulled it out and discovered it was a soft bathrobe made of some fuzzy material. It must have lurked in his closet for so long he didn't even remember it.

/OK, so maybe the photograph wouldn't exactly pass an Imperial dress inspection…/

Shaking the dust off the robe, he pulled it on and discovered how wonderfully soft it was. The dust, of course, made him sneeze. And that made him think of Luke stuck on some frozen iceball.

/I do hope he doesn't catch a cold. And perhaps he'll like the casualness of the robe…/

Family pictures were more casual, weren't they? Not that his mother ever had enough money to waste on such frivolous things like photographs. Being slaves, it was difficult to get credits and what little they had was mostly spent on food. Watto had been nice enough to let Shmi take on a few independent jobs of her own as long as it didn't interfere with the cleaning of his house.

Finally feeling that he was ready, Vader moved in front of the tiny camera and pressed the button so it could take the picture. Almost instantly his photograph appeared on the computer screen and he carefully scrutinized the background to make sure nothing incriminating showed. Satisfied, he saved the image and signed onto the galaticweb again. A considerable amount of time had passed while he fussed with the photo and by now surely a letter waited for him. But as he searched through his mailbox the hope in his heart sunk and disappeared all together.

/Luke IS in trouble!/

Dread gripped his guts like an icy claw and Vader now knew for certain what had been disturbing his sleep. Although his connection with Luke wasn't yet as strong as the connection he had shared with Shmi or Obi-Wan, it was still powerful enough to reach him while he was unconscious in sleep. Removing the blue robe, he started to put his armor on once again. It was time to head up to the bridge and see if any probes had sent in reports yet. He HAD to find Luke before it was too late!

The mask and helmet securely in place, Vader hurried from his quarters and took the nearest lift to the bridge. The doors swooshed open before him and he entered the command center for the entire ship. Just as he headed for Admiral Ozzel, one of the bridge crew called out.

"I think we have something, Admiral." Captain Piett said. "The report we have is only a fragment, from a probe droid in the Hoth system. But it's the best lead we had in…"

"We have thousands of probe droids searching the galaxy!" Ozzel said angrily. "I want proof, not leads!"

Vader approached Piett. "You have something?"

"Yes, Sir." Piett carefully replied. "We have visuals. The system is supposed to be devoid of human forms…"

Anxious to find his son, Vader turned to study the image on the screen. It was an icy, cold world just as Luke had described in his letter. He could almost feel his son out there, somewhere, among all the snow on the screen. The Force seemed to call to him as if to say HERE! HERE!

Turning away from the monitor, Vader faced Admiral Ozzel and Captain Piett. "That's it! The Rebels are there! Set cource for the Hoth system!"

To be continued…

Author's Note: sorry if the last chapter was basically a re-write of the movie scene but one needed that to get to this chapter.