Penpals 20: Luke Skywalker
Luke opened his eyes and was confused for a moment, wondering where he was. Then he sighed in relief as he remembered he was in Sickbay on Hoth. He lazily stretched in bed, the soft material rubbing against his still-sensitive new skin. The nearby medical equipment beeped and hummed, the sounds flowing together to make a pleasant background sound that had helped him drift off to sleep. Currently he was the only patient in the facility so he had the entire room to himself and all the privacy that he could ask for. Although the bacta tank had healed his frostbite, the new skin was still tender. Han had actually found him out there in the storm and had saved his life. He had been so sure he was going to die that night, actually freeze to death without ever seeing any of his friends ever again. He had delusional, seeing things that weren't really there. Luke thought of his nightly visions of Vader and Ben, both of them standing there unaffected by the cold, snow, ice and blowing wind.
/Boy, a person's mind sure cooks up weird stuff!/
More frightening was while it had been happening; he had thought it totally real.
/Yeah, like Darth Vader really would come to this miserable ball of ice looking for me!/
But then the grin disappeared off Luke's face as his last normal conversation with Han drifted back into his mind. His best friend still thought that the sinister Sith Lord was his penpal! Why couldn't Han see that his Father was obviously a caring man who just happened to be working for the Empire? Yet he had to admit that Han had pointed out some very good reasons to prove his point, the main one being that Vader was severely wounded at one time – just like his Father was.
/I really need that photo!/
Luke's mood nose-dived as he considered once again that Han might be right. What if he really WAS writing to Darth Vader? Writing to Vader would be a lot different than writing to a common Imperial, even if that Imperial happened to be a bridge officer. For one, Vader had the power to command the entire fleet. It was also rumored that he often killed his own crew for making mistakes. He was a hard taskmaster and unforgiving of errors.
/What if I bring the Empire down on our heads?/
He knew it was possible. He had known that from the beginning.
/But Darth Vader…!/
Luke placed both hands over his eyes and moaned. He was caught in the middle of a spider's web and all wrapped up in unbreakable silk. No matter what he did it would be wrong. Besides, he really didn't want to stop writing to Anakin. Yet if the Rebel leaders caught him, he stood a good chance of being severely punished, possibly killed, for his treason! On the other hand he ran the risk of telling Anakin too much and he might actually show up one day with Executor to get him! He was in too deep to get out and he knew it. He was putting all the other Rebels in danger just to satisfy his own personal needs for a Father.
/What am I going to do?/
He had hoped that a current photo would prove to Han than Anakin isn't Vader, but now Luke was beginning to think it wouldn't work. His buddy would just say he took the mask off. Yes, that's what Han would say!
/I don't want to admit Darth Vader is my Father or my penpal./
The thought sent a cold shiver through his body and Luke pulled the warm wool blanket up to his chin. The itchy material touched his bare skin and was awful, but he'd rather suffer contact with itchy wool than a Sith as a father. The medical droid had informed him before his nap that he'd be stuck here for at least another day as he recovered from his near death. But unfortunately that left him with nothing to do than sleep and think. And he certainly had some thinking to do.
/I can't keep ignoring it. I have to consider that Vader could be my penpal./
But Luke once again got stuck on how unlikely it seemed. He just couldn't imagine Darth Vader sitting at a computer writing letters! The idea, well, it was crazy.
/I can't think it's crazy. I have to take this seriously./
Why would Vader want a penpal? Luke thought and decided that Han would say it was all a scheme to get Rebel information, but his pal seemed totally sincere. Besides, Anakin was being open and honest, telling him all sorts of personal things. Surely a Sith Lord couldn't pull such a skilled deception off? No way! It would be impossible. But what if it all started by accident and he's just as trapped in this mess as I am? After all, he had got into this mess by accident. Well, not that it was a real mess… he truly enjoyed Anakin's letters and looked forward to the next one.
/Drat!/
Luke pounded a fist onto the bed's soft yet firm mattress. It was some kind of addiction that he couldn't stop no matter how insane he knew it to be!
/But what if it IS Vader and he really thinks I'm his son?/
Now that could be a serious problem, that is, if he was writing to Vader and not Anakin.
/He might come looking for me!/
Luke imagined an Imperial Shuttle landing out in the snow near the Rebel Base. The ramp would lower and Darth Vader would stalk out. He would walk up to the big door and wrap on it. Mon Mothma would answer, shock on her face at seeing the Sith Lord. Then words would issue from the frightening black mask. "I'm looking for my son, Luke Skywalker. Is he here?"
Pulling the wool blanket up over his head, he groaned even louder. It would be terrible!
Not of course that it would happen like that. The Empire would move in with weapons blazing and superior firepower. But the shock of his friends' and comrades' faces would be the same if they ever found out.
/They'd never trust me again!/
Slowly Luke pulled the blanket off his face and stared up at the icy ceiling overhead, the ripples suddenly fascinating.
/Is that what I'm doing, breaking their trust? Am I an untrustworthy person?/
His mind drifted back to Anakin's letters and how he had secretly gotten married to Padme. That secret was what had destroyed his life. Was he doing the same thing by keeping this secret? He knew it was wrong to write to Imperials and yet he was doing it anyway. Surely it couldn't end well, could it?
/I want to believe I'm a good person and that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm helping Anakin./
/And if I'm helping Darth Vader?/
Was helping a Sith Lord a GOOD thing?
/Do I want to be helping Darth Vader?/
Luke's thoughts had definitely drifted off all the marked space-lanes into unexplored territory. It was a peculiar, unsettling feeling to be actually thinking he was helping the monster that had killed Ben. He just couldn't see how the two men could be the one and same person. They seemed too different.
He wasn't even sure how he really felt about Darth Vader. He didn't like him that was for sure. The man was scary and powerful and made those odd breathing sounds, had that deadly reputation. But what if he wouldn't have had killed Ben? How would he have felt about Vader then? Luke tried to think back to when he was still living on his Uncle's farm on Tatooine and how he had felt then.
/I had wanted to go to the Imperial Academy and become a pilot./
That had been his dream for years and years, along with the fantasy of finding his father. But back then Vader never played a part in his idol daydreams. He had barely known the Sith Lord even existed. He certainly never dreamed he'd actually see him in person and watch him cut down a friend and neighbor!
/I'm really in deep poodoo this time!/
Luke rubbed his itchy nose and considered what he knew about the Sith, which was close to nothing. They were dark Jedi who had gone to the Dark Side. The real question was what was Anakin doing on the other end with his letters? As far as Luke knew, he wasn't doing anything, well, Imperial with them. Could Darth Vader have a split personality? Han had said people might act differently in private than in person. Could Vader be such a person? Was it possible he was warm and emotional on the inside but acted cold and uncaring on the outside?
/Oh great! Like that's any better!/
If a person acted two different ways, then they'd be almost unpredictable.
/But no one would ever guess I'm writing to a Commander on Executor, either./
If Anakin was his Father, he certainly was walking in his footsteps all right. Which might not be a good thing.
/I could end up just like him!/
But how could Darth Vader be anyone's father? The idea of a woman wanting to smooch with someone in that black breath- mask… ewww! It gave Luke the willies. Although rich and powerful, he just couldn't see Vader attracting females.
/Unless it happened just like Anakin said in his letter…/
Luke closed his eyes, a pain in his chest. The idea that Han was right was too much to bear and tears leaked from under his closed eyelids. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Luke placed his bare feet on the cold, icy floor. Wrapping the wool blanket around himself, he fled from Sickbay. The gray blanket flapping over the white robe he wore, he sped down one of the many ice tunnels towards the bay where the Falcon was parked. Passer-bys gave him startled looks and a few even called after him, but he ignored them and hurried on his way. He just had to read the next letter from Anakin before the distressing thoughts that crowded his brain drove him mad.
/He's not; he's not Vader! He just can't be!/
With blurred vision and freezing feet, Luke realized exactly how much alike he and Anakin were.
/He was keeping secrets from his friend and I'm doing the same thing! I don't want to end up like he did!/
What if things escalated? If the Imperials found the secret Rebel Base and attacked, would Han think it was his fault? Would his best buddy go to the Rebel leaders and explain how he had been writing to someone on Executor, his Father no less? But how could Han think anything else? Would he and Han fight then, like Anakin had fought with Ben? Would one of them get badly injured or even die? And then the others would find out! What would Leia think if she knew?
/She'd never trust me again!/
And who could blame her? She'd say he was a double agent or something like that, a spy!
/I don't want to end up on the Dark Side!/
Luke skidded around one final corner and raced through the hangar bay right up the ramp onto the Falcon. Inside, he stopped when he saw Han talking to Leia, both their hands covered in grease
"Luke! What are you doing out of bed? Why, you're not even properly dressed! You'll catch pneumonia running around like that!". Leia protested loudly as she looked at him, a concerned expression on her face.
"I…" Luke stuttered nervously.
To be continued…