Author's Note: Though I've been reading rentfics for a long time this is the first time I post a story here. Therefore I would be really, really grateful if you reviewed this and told me your thoughts. This one is short, but it's supposed to be. I have started writing something longer with chapters though. If I have any grammatical errors or spelling mistakes it's because I'm not really fluent in the language. I'm looking for a beta so email me if you're interested!
Disclaimer: I don't own Rent or any of the characters.
The Small Details
Mark wasn't happy. Roger who had lived with him for years could tell that. Sure he smiled, laughed, joked around and everything but nothing seemed real anymore. He'd become like a robot who did everything that was expected of him but only because it was expected of him. And he was good at it. No one did ever suspect that it was just an act he had put on. That behind the sparkling eyes and the cheerful smile was a wretched boy, broken to pieces.
No one but Roger. Because even if he could fool the world he could never fool Roger. Roger had learned how to read him. How to see the small details that for most people passed unnoticed. He could see the smile fade on Mark's lips when he thought no one was watching him. Or how his sky blue eyes would suddenly be covered with dark storm clouds every time Roger took his AZT.
Sometimes Roger woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the projector in Mark's room. He could hear all their voices; Collins, Maureen, Joanne...Angel, Mimi, even Benny. And then himself of course, acting like an asshole in front of the camera while Mark's narrating voice tried to get something out of his laughing friends. Sometimes the joyful voices and the laughter were joined by another voice. Someone sobbing, crying when he thought no one was listening.
Mark didn't know that Roger was awake in the next room with his ear pressed against the wall, listening carefully to the sound of Mark's anguished breathing. If Mark had known he would have stopped his sobbing immediately, disappearing into his happy shell again. He would have stopped given out the small details that only Roger could catch, and he would most likely never cry again.
Only when Roger wasn't home would he let the smile fall and the sobs escape from his throat. Only then would he allow himself to be unhappy because he had the future Roger hadn't. He would cry over the fact that he would live twice as long as his friend and have time to do twice as much when all he wanted was to die. The ungrateful, selfish feelings would drown him in contempt over his own self, but no one would be there to hear him. No one would even know.
That's why Roger never told Mark what he had heard, what he had seen. Because Roger needed the details. Roger needed to know that he mattered to Mark. That Mark couldn't see him wither away to a bony corpse without having to cry at night. Because if Mark could smile all the time even when his best friend was dying, Roger would start to think that he hadn't made any impact at all on this world. Not even on his closest friend. If Mark didn't cry over his death, who would? The small details that Mark didn't want anyone to know about were Roger's only guarantee that his life hadn't been a total waste of time.